The Therapist

My eyes shoot open, and my gaze dances around the room. Breathing short, heavy breaths as sweat beads run down my face and my hands, I jump up from bed. “Alonzo, I had the worst nap. Nakita . . .” My words evaporate in the air as I witness the doleful look painted across his face.

“I’m sorry, Candice. I wish it were just a nightmare. I wish I could bring her back. I am so sorry.”

“I need her here, Alonzo. Adrianna needs her mommy. I can never take her place in her life. Why did she do this?”

“No one expects you to take her place. You have always been a second mom to Adrianna, the same way Nakita was with the boys and Amiya.”

“We cannot have a funeral. I will not put the kids through that. I wouldn’t be any good to them. I’ve never been to a funeral, and I will not start now. We have to do something different. Alonzo, do you hear me? We cannot have a funeral. I will literally fall apart, seeing her like that. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it. If there’s one, I am not going, and neither are the kids. We can’t. We just can’t, Alonzo.” He embraces me, and I weep in his arms.

“Did she give you power of attorney, or are you her next of kin?” he asks me when my sobbing stops.

“Y-Yes, I am. After we moved in, we went and had a will and everything drawn up for the kids. She said she didn’t want anyone but me to make her last decisions for her or for Adrianna.”

“Great. That’s a start. You can plan a memorial for her. Whatever you want to do to remember her. We can put our heads together and do something special for her.”

“I’d like that. Thank you for being my knight in shining armor, Alonzo.”

“I’ll be whatever you need me to be, Candice. I love you with everything in me.”

“I know, Alonzo. I can feel it. Please give me time to love you back.”

“I will love it out of you.”

Blushing, I shake my head.

Just then there is a knock on the door.

“Come in,” I say.

Ms. Jasmine and Jenna enter my bedroom.

“Hey there, baby girl. We just had to check up on you. Do you need anything?” Ms. Jasmine asks as she and Jenna make their way over to the bed. Ms. Jasmine squeezes herself between Alonzo and me.

“I’m just so lost, Ms. Jasmine. I can’t do a funeral service. I just cannot,” I confess.

Ms. Jasmine nods. “Well, it’s up to you how you want to do this.”

“We don’t have to have a traditional service, Candice. We can do a memorial tree planting or something like that,” Jenna interjects tearfully.

“I’d like that. Can you also do me a favor and ask Brianne and Mrs. Bartlett—I mean Joanne—to make the arrangements to postpone the opening of New Beginnings? I am in no condition to deal with any of that.”

“That’s what you hired them for, Candice. You don’t have to do it all. The opening will be rescheduled. You have all the time that you need,” Jenna says, consoling me.

“You’re right. I appreciate all of you,” I reply.

“You know, if Nakita were here and she walked in and saw you crying, she’d flip out and ask questions later,” Jenna muses.

Smirking, I say, “Yes, you’re right. She had a temper on her.”

“She sure did. Especially when it came to you and the kids,” Ms. Jasmine interjects, her eyes tearing.

“How about we go downstairs and get some food in you, Candice?” Jenna proposes. “We can make arrangements, talk, or whatever you want while you eat something.”

“Thank you, Jenna. I am not sure how much I’ll be able to eat, but I’ll try.”

* * *

Instead of putting off the dreadful day, we have decided to have a memorial for Nakita on the fourth day after her passing. Four was her favorite number. She’d say, “There are four seasons, and on the fourth day of creation, the physical universe was completed.” Nakita loved the way the seasons changed, and she thought it was amazing how the weather changed drastically with each season. I, however, find the seasons less desirable because I hate when it’s too hot or too cold. There’s no happy medium when it comes to the weather. We get two to three good days, and then, bam, the weather changes.

Nakita also used to say, “All good things happen on the fourth day. Pay attention.” She felt we all got three chances to mess up any and everything in life. But the fourth chance, in her opinion, was always the charm. She just loved the number four. But I just wish this fourth day didn’t have to come to pass.

After Jenna mentioned doing a tree-planting memorial, the idea stuck in my head like glue. I did some additional research and learned that a tree serves as a long-lasting memorial for loved ones. Our tree’s greenery will symbolize that Nakita’s legacy will continue to grow and flourish with us. She will be able to enjoy the different seasons, just the way she loved to when she was here. Well, the tree will, and I know she’d like that idea if she were still here.

Nakita loved lilacs. After Dr. Binet told her about the calming effects of lilacs, she went lilac crazy. From oils to air fresheners, everything was lilac with her. This made it easy to go with a Bloomerang purple lilac tree as the memorial. Purple and lilacs on one tree was the best tree to choose in her honor. Both of her loves on one tree. The tree will bloom twice a year, in mid-May and then again from July to the first frost. What I love most about this particular tree variety is that it fills the air with that lilac scent.

We’re going to have it planted at the entryway to her place, which will eventually be torn down and turned into a playground for the kids. I cannot see myself going back in that house after finding her the way that I did. It will just bring back bad memories. I want all future memories of my beloved sister to be good. Initially, I wanted to have the playground done for the memorial service; however, that was pushing my luck.

In any event, we are headed out back to celebrate and remember our beloved Nakita. Our little tree, its root ball still in burlap, is standing by a row of chairs.

Mr. Derek is going to lead us in the tree planting, considering the rest of us don’t have a clue about planting a tree. We don’t even know how deep the hole in the ground should be or anything. And he volunteered to officiate over the memorial as he is a minister for his church. Either way, it’s time to say good-bye or see you later to my sister.

Once everyone is seated, the memorial begins. Mr. Derek approaches the podium that he has erected, then stands in front of us, silent. When a hush falls over us, he addresses us.

“I will start off by reading from the Gospel of Mathew, chapter five, verse four. It reads, ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.’ And John, chapter fourteen, begins, ‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God. Believe also in me.’ And Luke, chapter twelve, verse thirty-two, says, ‘Do not be afraid little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.’ So, little flock, as we remember Nakita, let our hearts be not troubled. Let us not be afraid. And let us be comforted by the knowledge . . .” He goes on for about ten minutes, and then he looks over at me and says, “Candice will have some words before we give a blessing over the tree.”

I stand, walk slowly to the podium, and face everyone. “This is probably one the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I couldn’t get my thoughts together, so please bear with me. As you all know, I met Nakita at one of the darkest moments in my life. We all did. She then blossomed into the sister that I never had. As well as into one of the only persons that I know for a fact loved me and didn’t want anything in return. She’d rather endure pain before I had to. I wish she were here, so I could tell her one last time how much I love her. I miss her. Sista friends, as we referred to one another, are hard to come by, so when she left, a part of me left with her. Through it all, I vow to love Adrianna and all of you with the same love that she shared. I may not be as blunt as she was, but I promise to be what she’d expect me to be.

“Nakita, I love you so much, and you will be missed. There will be a void in my heart, until we meet again. I love you, my beloved sista friend. I just want to add that after reuniting with my dad, I found out Nakita was actually my cousin. So what we had was blood deep.” At this moment, I lose control, and Ms. Jasmine has to assist me from the podium.

“It’s all right to cry,” Mr. Derek assures me as he steps up to the podium. “The Bible tells us there’s a season and a purpose for everything. A time to be born, die, weep, laugh, dance, and mourn.”

“When can we send our balloons up for my mommy?” Adrianna whines.

Mr. Derek nods in Adrianna’s direction and then turns and looks at the little lilac tree. “Let us pray blessings for the tree so we can move to the balloon release. Dear God, creator of life, we come in this prayer of dedication and blessing to dedicate this tree in memory of Nakita Mathews. We thank you, dear God, for her life and come to you in a time of sorrow. May this tree remind us of Nakita and grow full branches as a representation of your love. May we always honor and remember our Nakita, who is a mother to Adrianna, a sister, and a beloved friend to all of us. We ask for your blessings upon this tree and upon us who mourn the passing of Nakita. In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” everyone utters in unison.

“Now for the balloon release. Each of you will step forward, and Jenna will hand you your balloon. Then I will play a song on this device. Each person can take their time releasing their balloon to our beloved Nakita.”

We form a line and receive our balloons from Jenna, who carefully passes them out. I ordered dove balloons for everyone, with note cards attached. Each person in line already penned a note to Nakita on a notecard and wrote his or her name in big letters on the back. Letting go of doves is said to promote healing, as their flight represents a person’s spirit going to heaven. So one by one, we release our balloons, and tears and laughter saturate the atmosphere. Everyone instantly reminisces about the impact that our beloved Nakita had on each of our lives. When I release my balloon, my purple dove, I feel I release so much more. I am instantly consumed with a sense of relief and feel like everything is going to be all right. Nakita’s not hurting anymore, and I can feel her here with me. For the first time since her passing, I smile.

“I love you, Nakita, and I will always love you. I feel you here with me. I will talk about you to Adrianna until the last breath leaves my body. I won’t ever forget you, my sista friend. You will remain fixed in my heart always and forever, until we see each other again. I love you always and forever,” I say as my dove sails up, up into the azure sky.