CHAPTER ELEVEN
Disappearing Acts Simone . . .
It all started around the age of thirteen, when my foster brother Todd went from fondling me to penetrating me. He said if I said anything about it, Mimas would never believe me and I’d end up being sent to another foster family and it’d be worse. I was young dumb and naïve, and I fell for it. He was my big brother. He protected me from the kids who picked on me at school. Todd just couldn’t protect me from himself, or myself. I resorted to cutting myself.
I had convinced myself that by making myself bleed, the numbness I felt inside would disappear. If I could see it in red, then I could believe that it was not only in my head. Seeing it made it real, and it made the pressure in my chest fade a little bit. It made the pain and fear lessen.
Long-sleeve shirts and pants were my saving grace. Mimas used to tell me to change out of my warm clothes before I caught on fire, but she never really enforced it. She was too busy cleaning, cooking, talking on the phone, and watching her soap operas. Todd, on the other hand, taunted me and said that I was damaged goods, and that no one would ever want me except him. Every time he uttered those words, death seemed more and more promising.
The day my life changed was when I was separated from the only family that I’d known. It ripped a piece of my soul out, and I thought that piece could never be replaced. Before that day arrived, I had been feeling nauseous for about a month and had been vomiting like clockwork every morning, after or during breakfast.
On the seventh day of this vomiting routine, nausea clawed at my throat during breakfast, which we ate together religiously as a family every morning. I tried to swallow back everything that was forcing its way up, but to no avail. After springing from my seat, I dashed to the bathroom, covering my mouth, trying to contain my partially digested Sugar Smacks. As soon as I graced the toilet bowl, my stomach contracted violently and its contents spewed out.
Terianne rushed to my aid and closed the bathroom door behind her. “Oh, my goodness, Mone. Are you all right?”
I nodded my head no as my stomach turned against me one final time.
After flushing the toilet and then closing the lid, I took a seat on top of it. It felt as if I had just upchucked organs along with my breakfast.
“Here. Take this damp towel and wipe your mouth. How are you feeling?”
“Horrible.”
“The phone rang, so Mimas didn’t see you, thank God.”
“Why are we thanking God? I have a stomach bug or something. I am sick. Why would we thank God for me being sick, Terianne?”
“I think it’s a little more than that, Mone. No one has a stomach bug every morning. You need to see a doctor. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to tell Mimas that you’re pregnant. I know you’re afraid, because she warned us to keep our sacred area in the witness protection program, so no one can find it until we are married. Why didn’t you use protection?”
“Protection? Are you serious, Terianne? Protection?”
“Um, did I say something wrong? Even though Mimas didn’t have that talk with us, you know what you’re supposed to do if you’re going to be out there having sex, Mone.”
“Having sex? Is that what it’s called?”
“You’re being silly. You know what sex is.”
“No, I don’t. I only know what rape is.”
“Rape?”
“Shut up, before Mimas hear you.”
“No, I will not. You have to tell her you were raped,” Terianne insisted. “Why didn’t you tell any of us? Why didn’t you tell Todd, so he could take care of the guy? You know he don’t play when it comes to us.”
“Todd? He doesn’t play when it comes to us. No, he just plays with us.”
“Plays with us? This is serious, Mone.” She teared up and brushed her hand across her face. “Who did this to you? When did it happen? I am so sorry. We have to tell Todd. He will fix it.”
“Fix what he broke? I hate Todd. He can’t fix anything.”
“You cannot blame him for this, Mone. He loves you. He will be devastated to know someone hurt you.”
“Devastated with himself? How does that work, Terianne?”
“With himself? What are you saying?”
“H-He raped me.” I burst into tears.
“Todd? You’re mistaken. Mone, Todd would never hurt us. He’d never hurt you. Is it someone that looks like him? Listen to what you’re saying. He would never hurt you. You know that.”
“I used to think that, but I was wrong, Terianne. He has been hurting me for years.”
“Why would you blame Todd? I know he is overprotective of us, but to make this up and lie about him like that is unforgiveable. What kind of person are you, Mone?”
“What kind of person am I? I cannot believe you’re saying this to me! How could you think I am lying? Why would I lie?”
“I live here too, along with everyone else, and Todd has been great to all of us. He would never hurt any of us, and I know for a fact that he didn’t do this to you. You probably got your feelings hurt when you told your little boyfriend, and now he wants nothing to do with you. If that’s the case, deal with him. Don’t go making things like this up. This could ruin Todd’s life.”
“His life? He has ruined me. He has destroyed me. I hate myself because of him. I’d rather die than have him or—”
“Then maybe you should die.” She stormed out of the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.
“Are you two at it again?” Mimas shouted from the other side of the door.
“Mone is having one of those days. I cannot deal with her right now. I’m over her,” Terianne announced.
“Hurry up in there, Simone, so you can get your tail ready for school,” Mimas scolded.
“Ok-okay.” I turned on the faucet. With tears blinding my vision, I removed the framed picture from the bathroom wall. I gently placed it on the floor. I pulled a tissue from a hole I had made in the wall behind the picture, and I came eye to eye with my comforter. A mischievous twinkle came into my eyes as I extract my special razor blade from its hiding spot. As softly as I could, I turned on the water in the bathtub and left the faucet on, hoping Mimas couldn’t hear the water running. As the tub began to fill, I stepped in, fully clothed from head to toe, to join the water. After taking a seat, I used my buddy to assist me with redesigning the bracelet lines on my wrist. I was not surprised that I felt nothing. No pain. No fear.
After a few minutes, I begin to feel dizzy and faint. As I tried to grip the side of the tub, I felt such heaviness, and my torso slipped down into the water.
* * *
After opening my eyes to see Mimas sitting in front of me, crying, I panicked. Have I died? Is this a dream? “Where am I?”
“Simone, baby, you’re in the hospital. What have you done?” Mimas said, extracting me from my confused thoughts.
Instead of trying to respond, I allowed my fear to be translated into tears. My reality. My disappointment. I’m still here.
“You could have come and talked to me, Simone. You know we have an open-door policy. No secrets. I love you. I would have worked with you through whatever it was that you were going through,” she said, her voice cracking.
Seeing my shero cry terrified me and wounded my heart even more.
A little above a whisper, I sobbed, “I am sorry to make you cry, Mimas. I didn’t know what to do. I was alone and scared.”
“You’re never alone. If you ever feel that way ever again, please talk to me. We are going to get you some help, so you can talk to someone. Just promise me you will never try to hurt yourself again. I would lose my mind if something were to happen to you.”
“I—I promise.”
“How long did you know you were pregnant, Simone?” she asked. Her voice had changed.
Startled by her tone, my words lodged themselves in my throat.
“Answer me, Simone!”
“IIllustrationI don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know? Who is this little boy that done did this to you? You know when Todd hears about this, he is going to be very upset and have words with this little boy, don’t you?”
I shook my head in disbelief, and fresh tears cascaded down my cheeks at a rapid pace. Why does everyone continually bring up Todd? He did this, I scream within.
“You need to start talking, young lady. We need to get all this under control. Do I know him?”
“Y-Yes, you do, Mimas.” I felt the air around me evaporate.
“Who is he? I need to call his parents and let them know he is the father of my grandbaby.”
“I—I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know? You just said I know who he is.”
“N-No, I didn’t.”
“Simone, stop playing with me. We already know you done gone and got yourself knocked up. There’s no turning back now. Now, for God’s sake, answer me, young lady.”
“I don’t know, Mimas. T-Todd and his friend R-Robert r-r-raped me.”
Her gaze cold, she snarled, “You’re talking nonsense. Todd would never hurt you. How dare you blame him after I took you into my home and made my home yours? That is my blood. I know what my blood does, and I didn’t give birth to no rapist. Now take it back. Take it back!” She wrapped her hands around my throat.
At that moment, Todd entered the room. “Mom! What are you doing to her?” He pulled her off me.
“Let go of me! She is a liar. She destroyed her life, and now she is lying to try to ruin your life.”
His gaze hard, Todd stared through me as he and his mother left my hospital room.
That was the last time I saw Mimas, Todd, and the rest of the family. While I was in the hospital, Mimas made arrangements for me to be placed in another foster home. However, since I was pregnant, I was transported to Hope House after a thirty-day stay in a psychiatric hospital as a result of my suicide attempt.