The Therapist

As a result of my training, I am fully aware that injecting my reality into my therapeutic relationships is frowned upon. It’s said to have an adverse effect. However, I see myself in Simone. She is me, and I am her. I relate to the hell she escaped from physically yet still battles with mentally and emotionally. I didn’t start out this way, and I don’t typically comfort a client, as it tends to send the message that therapists in general or I in particular cannot handle emotions. However, my opening up to Simone broke a huge barrier. She connected with me and now trusts me because of my pain. Because of it, Simone has opened up entirely and is comfortable talking about those deep-rooted things that have left her stranded mentally. When she talks, often I hear myself speaking instead of her. It has come to the point where I struggle with fighting back my tears. The more she unloads, the angrier and weepier I become. There’s no way Todd should be able to live freely when Simone remains imprisoned emotionally.

Brianne, you have to regain control of this before she gets here, I tell myself. You’re the therapist, not her. You cannot afford to trade places with her. Get yourself together.

Just then there is a knock on my office door, which is halfway open. From the doorway, Simone says, “Good evening, Dr. Binet. Thank you for rescheduling.”

Simone pulls me from my thoughts as she makes her presence known. “No problem at all. Please come in and have a seat. Is everything all right? You missed the last two weeks.”

“I am falling apart, Dr. Binet. I hate myself. But I love the part of me that has been blessed with the opportunity to birth my angel. Sometimes, I wish I could trade places with Nakita. Death seems so much safer than dealing with the plague that has consumed my entire being. I cannot sleep anymore. It has come to the point that when I close my eyes, I see Todd’s face. No other face. Just Todd’s, and that stupid smirk he’d make right before he vandalized my insides. I wish I had never reopened this can of worms. This is all your fault. I hate you for making me talk about it. Are you happy now! You made me relive the most horrific moments in my life. Now it’s the only image that plays in my head.”

“I understand you being upset. Unwrapping the bandages that have bound you hurts like hell. Although I am not supposed to say this, I can feel and relate to everything you’re feeling and saying, but you have to let it out so you can move from this place. You cannot hold on to any of this. It will kill you.”

Turn it around, Brianne. Don’t allow your emotions to get the best of you, I tell myself.

“Well, that might not be a bad thing.”

“Death isn’t the answer, Simone. Sage needs you. You’ve come too far to just give up.”

“I feel like I am drowning, Dr. Binet. Almost like I have been hit with a bucket of freezing water. The only time I am or appear to be healthy is when Sage and the girls are around. They are the reasons I have a heartbeat right now. I hate myself and my life. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want it all to go away. Please make it go away, Dr. Binet. Please! I cannot take it anymore.” She slides from her seat and crumples on the floor.

Swollen from her tears, her eyes plead with me to rid her of her pain.

Don’t get up from your seat, Brianne, I think. This is her pain, not yours. Separate yourself from this scenario. I ignore your inner self, which wants to join Simone in her wallowing.

No matter how hard I fight myself, it has been challenging for me to disconnect. The feelings, the depression, and everything else that Simone is experiencing mirror my own experiences and condition. It’s as if my skeletons have made their way out of my closet and transformed themselves into a human being named Simone.

I stand, walk over to her, and kneel down. After wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I pull her closer, despite the gnawing heaviness in my stomach.

This is not good, Brianne. You have to try to regain control of this session.

“Please allow me to help you back into your seat, Simone. I know this is tormenting you, but I assure you, you can and will get past this.”

“How? You don’t really believe that yourself, Dr. Binet. You haven’t gotten past any of your stuff. So please enlighten me as to how you know I will get past my issues.”

“This isn’t about me, Simone.”

“I believe it is about both of us right about now. The only reason I’ve bared my truth to you is that you showed me you’re real and not a textbook or scripted doctor.”

“Ethically, I was wrong for doing that, and I apologize. I should never have allowed my personal life and experiences to meander their way into our sessions.”

“Well, baring it all is how we have made it this far. I need real right now, not what’s ethical or nonethical.”

“I cannot give you real. Because what I want isn’t practical and is actually against the law.”

“Against the law?”

“Yes.” I pause. “I could do serious jail time if I uttered my thoughts,” I confess.

Simone erupts in laughter. “You’re hysterical, Dr. Binet. Hell, we’d all go to prison if our thoughts were heard. Thanks. I needed that laugh.”

“It’s good to see you smile. I know this is rough. But as I said, you can and will get through this. I will prescribe you something to assist you with sleeping. Also, for our next session, how do you feel about hypnosis? I think hypnotherapy would be good to interject into our sessions right about now. It is great for healing the mind.”

“Whatever it takes to rid myself of the demons within, I am willing to give it a try. By the way, I want to apologize for earlier. I have so much anger bottled up inside me. I just exploded.”

“It’s part of the therapeutic process, Simone. I am just happy you let it out here, and not on anyone else or yourself. I know it is getting late. However, I would like for you to do me a favor before you leave.”

“Sure. What’s that?” Simone says.

“Promise me if you get to the point where death is trying to swallow you whole, you’ll give me a call. I changed things around in my life so that I am available at any given moment for my clients. I promise that we will get through all this together.”

“I promise to call you, Dr. Binet.”

* * *

The shrill scream of my telephone cuts the silence during my much-needed bubble bath, startling me. I yank my bath towel off the towel bar and wipe the water from my hands. As I hurriedly grab my phone from its spot next to the tub, I notice the name that flashes across the screen.

“H-Hello? Simone? Are you okay?” I blurt out.

“No. No, I am not okay. Terianne got in touch with Candice and asked her to call me and relay a message. I haven’t heard from or spoken to any of them all this time. What could Terianne possibly want from me? Why is this happening? I cannot do this right now, Dr. Binet. I just can’t.”

“So Terianne got in touch with Candice?”

“Yes, Candice said one of the social workers reached out to her and asked if it was okay for Terianne to call. Candice told the social worker to have Terianne leave her number and a message and she’d relay it to me. The message has been transmitted, unfortunately.”

“I see. What we can do is call Terianne on a three-way call, if you’d like to call her. I will be here in whatever way you need me to be. I do feel in order for you to ever have closer, you need to deal with this and her sooner or later. Sooner appears to have sought you out.”

“If you stay on the phone with me, I can do it. I cannot do this alone.”

“No problem at all,” I tell Simone. “Just let me know when you’re ready to make the call. We can do it now or even wait until our next session and call together.”

“I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t do it now. Can you hold on for a second?”

“Yes, I can.” She places me on hold.

“Dr. Binet, it’s ringing. Don’t say anything.”

“Hello,” says a voice on the other end of the line.

“Hello. This is Simone. I am trying to reach Terianne.”

“Simone, this is Terianne. How are you doing? It has been forever.”

“Yes, it has been. I received a message that you wanted to speak with me.”

“Yeah, I thought you’d like to know Mimas passed yesterday in her sleep. They said it was a heart attack that took her. She wasn’t the same after she and Todd had to part ways.”

“Part ways? She passed in her sleep? That is awful,” Simone says.

“Yeah, sometime after you left, Mimas got into it bad with Todd, and she put him out,” Terianne explains.

“After I left? Is that what you said? I am sorry to burst your bubble, but I was put out. I never left. I was thrown away by all of you.”

“I—I am sorry about all of that. I didn’t call to upset you. I just wanted you to know about Mimas. The service is this weekend. If this is your cell, I can text you the address and everything.”

“This is, and that’s fine. Thanks.”

“No problem. Oh, Simone?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re more than welcome to come and stay here with us if you’re coming for the entire weekend.”

“No thanks,” Simone replies.

“Well, the offer is on the table.”

The call disconnects. After removing the phone from my face, I nervously press Simone’s name in my call log, and the phone rings. She picks up immediately.

“Simone, I know that wasn’t easy, but you were great. You handled yourself well,” I tell her.

“How could she say I left? She knows Mimas threw me away.”

“It’s hard for some people to take ownership.”

“What am I supposed to do? Mimas’s passing breaks my heart. I don’t understand how when I haven’t seen her in forever and what she did to me . . . How can I mourn her?”

“You love her like your mother. She hurt you, and you are hurt by her actions. That doesn’t cancel out your love for her,” I say.

“Will you come with me to the service?”

Without thinking, I respond, “Yes, I will.”