CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Unturned Stones Candice . . .
It has been six months since my sister left me. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss Nakita. Amiya has been great. She won’t leave Adrianna’s side. They’re inseparable. I am almost certain the death of Nakita has played a huge part in her not wanting to leave Adrianna’s side. Well, after Nakita’s breakdown, I know for a fact the two girls got closer. Amiya has been so good with Adrianna. She is so brave and smart, for she know intuitively what Adrianna needs.
Ms. Jasmine and I are headed to Amiya’s bedroom to try to separate the two of them and put Adrianna in her old bedroom, the one she occupied when Nakita was away.
“Amiya and Adrianna, it is time for bed,” I announce.
“Okay,” they say in the unison.
“Amiya, get in your bed while I tuck Adrianna in her bed,” I say.
“Mommy, Adrianna has to sleep in here with me.”
I shake my head. “She’s a big girl. She has her own big-girl bed to sleep in.”
“No, Aunt Candy. I can’t go in there. I don’t want to.” Adrianna throws herself on the floor, screaming and crying.
“Adrianna, please calm down. I will lie down with you and will stay until you fall asleep. It’s going to be all right,” I say, trying to comfort her.
“Nooo! I can’t go. I’m going to die in there. Don’t make me die, Aunt Candy,” she wails.
Tearing up, I stoop down to her level. My lip quivers as I assure her, “You’re not going to die, baby. Please don’t say that. I love you so much, Adrianna. It’s okay.”
Ms. Jasmine intervenes by picking Adrianna up off the floor and rubbing her back. “I know you’re scared and feeling very sad, baby. I’m sad too. We both loved your mommy so much, and she loved us too.”
Shaking her head no, Adrianna blubbers through her tears, “She didn’t love me, Glam-mommy. She left me. Mommy don’t want me no more.”
My heart caves in.
“She loves you, princess. Mommy didn’t feel well . . . She loves you so much,” Ms. Jasmine says, choking up.
“I didn’t fix her. She’s mad at me.” Adrianna buries her head in Ms. Jasmine’s chest.
“Why would you think that? Who told you those horrible things? Your mommy loves you with everything in her. The doctors fixed her the best that they could, princess. Mommy was sick. It’s not your fault,” I say as tears run down my cheeks.
“Aunt Kita was in her room by herself, Mommy. Nobody was with her when she died. Adrianna said if she is by herself, she will die like Aunt Kita. I told her Auntie was sick and that she loves her. We all love her. Right, Mommy? I don’t want Adrianna to be sad. Can we fix her?” Amiya says, whimpering.
“I promise we will take care of her. She will get all the help and support she needs,” I say.
Adrianna wiggles her way from Ms. Jasmine’s arms.
“Adrianna, you’re not going to die. I won’t let you,” Amiya declares. The two girls run into each other’s arms and cling to one another, sobbing in unison.
After finally getting the girls settled in bed, Ms. Jasmine and I almost fall apart over a glass of wine.
“My heart is bleeding. For Adrianna to think she killed her mother because she wasn’t there with her at the time of her death punctures a whole other level of holes in my heart,” I say as I sniffle.
Ms. Jasmine nods her agreement, then says, “I cannot even begin to imagine what’s going through that baby’s mind. She really thinks because she was not with Nakita, she killed her. She is too young to walk around with that type of guilt.”
“You’re absolutely right, Ms. J. That will have a lasting effect on her, and that won’t end well, if we don’t do something. I refuse to allow her to grow up with that type of guilt gnawing at her. I am going to do whatever is necessary to find her a therapist.”
The next day I get right to work. After researching, emailing, and phoning classmates and colleagues that I’ve met while in school, I am fortunate enough to find a therapist in New Haven who deals exclusively with children’s emotional issues and their impact on families. I will be meeting with her tomorrow, as I’d like to have all the kids take part in therapy. The last thing I need is for them to grow up damaged as a result of our past. My boys are standoffish and very quiet and keep to themselves. I know the older they get, the more they will gravitate to video games and the others things preteen and teenage boys do. They will not be as receptive to an intervention then.
When I was younger, I used to believe that money could solve any problem. Boy, was I wrong. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or don’t have. If you’re crippled on the inside, this will have a profound effect on your life. Guilt and depression are hungry beasts inside of us, and the more they go unresolved, the more they grow. A recipe money cannot alter. I’ve found myself on the verge of falling into a depression with everything going on.
I used to be able to talk to Nakita when I got to this point, as well as to Alonzo. However, he hasn’t been around much, like he used to be. He makes sure to be here before school to get the kids ready and to see them off. But by the time I turn around, he’s gone behind the school bus. The same thing happens after school: he’s here to help with homework and play with them until dinner, but by the time they sit down for dinner, he’s gone. I know he went back to work, but something is just different, primarily between us. When we converse, it’s almost as if we are delivering lines from a screenplay. No genuine conversation, unless it pertains to the kids.
The kids should be home any minute now, which means he will be here shortly. Once they’re settled, I am going to request a minute of his time. I feel as if he’s pushing me away or pulling away. But why? Dad said he might just need time, since everyone deals with things differently, which I completely understand. However, six months is forever to me. Especially when I had thought things were blossoming between the two of us.
Just then the kids race inside the house. Then I hear a car door slam, and Dad walks to the front door to greet Alonzo.
“Alonzo, can we talk alone for a moment?” Dad asks as soon as Alonzo walks through the door, the kids on his heels. Since Dad has beaten me to it, I hope I get a chance to speak alone with Alonzo.
“Sure thing. Dale. But how about a little later? Right now, do you mind helping Dylan with his math for me?”
“Math? Is that a foreign language you speak of?” Dad jokes.
“Dad, you’re so silly,” I interject as I step into the foyer.
“I feel you, Dale. The math these days does come across a bit foreign,” Alonzo says.
“Yes, it does, but I will do my best. Don’t leave me too long.”
“I’ll help you, Pop-Pop,” Darren tells him, coming to his rescue.
“Thank you, son.” Dad ruffles his curls as he and the boys head to the playroom to hit the books.
I walk warily behind Alonzo as he heads to my office. Once we are inside the room, I close the door behind us.
“How h-h-have you been, Alonzo?” I stutter.
“I am good. Is there something wrong?”
“Honestly, that is what I am trying to find out.”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem so distant these days. Did I do something wrong?”
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Candice. You’re perfect. What would make you think you’ve done something wrong?”
“You aren’t the same. We used to spend so much time together. You were always there when I needed someone. When I needed you.”
“I am still here, Candice. I haven’t gone anywhere. I will always be here when you need me. All you have to do is call me if I am not already here.”
“That’s the problem. I didn’t have to call. You were always here. But it’s not just physically. You’re not with me here.” I place my hand over my heart.
“I carry you and those babies in my heart daily, Candice. You don’t ever have to worry about not being in my heart.”
“We used to lie in bed talking all night. We had breakfast and dinner together often. It just feels like when I lost Nakita, I sort of lost you too.”
“I apologize for making you feel that way, Candice. The love that I have for you has not changed. I just felt like somewhere along the line, in the midst of everything, I lost myself. Don’t get me wrong. I love spending every waking moment with you and the kids, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. With that being said, I had to make time for me. Going back to work is what I needed to do as a man. I have to be able to be a provider to my kids, and I cannot do that without working. As a man, I have to be able to have drinks with the guys and just be Alonzo for a change. Instead, I found myself smothering you, and it didn’t feel right.”
“You weren’t smothering me. I can breathe perfectly fine when you’re around. When you’re not here is when I have trouble breathing. And you have been a great provider to us, but we don’t need anything. We just need you here wholeheartedly. I need you, Alonzo. I don’t like not being able to talk to you, lie next to you. For you to hold me. Kiss me. I need it all. I need you.”
Before I could utter another word, he slams his lips into mine, nearly knocking the wind out of me. I want to pull away before I lose myself, but I can’t seem to. As he breaks our kiss, my heart skips a beat.
With his breathing and heartbeat matching the rhythm of mine, he confesses, “I am going to leave now, before I’m unable to control myself. I want to make love to you, Candice. I know you’re not ready, so I have to go.”
“You don’t have to go, Alonzo. We can just go into the playroom with the kids and finish our day the way we used to.”
“Right now I am unable to give you that. I want you right here and right now, but I also want you to desire me in the same manner. I know you’re not ready and are unable to give me that, so its best I leave, for now. You can call and text me all night long if you want to. I just cannot be next to you like this.”
“I—I understand, and I am sorry.”
“Don’t ever apologize for being you. I love that about you. Like I told you before, I will wait as long as you need. Just don’t stop trying to love me the way that I love you.” He kisses my forehead before exiting.
Little does he know, I love him with everything in me. I’m just not ready to take it to the next level of intimacy. In actuality, I am afraid to. Sex scares me. I know it is a result of what was done to me. I promise myself to open that door in my next therapy session with Dr. Raysor. I believe it’s time. I cannot allow the rapes to control any aspect of my life any longer. I’ve come a long way, and I feel better about myself. The only stone unturned is this one. It’s time to turn this stone into a polished jewel.