The Therapist

My feelings for Brianne had pretty much turned into an obsession. I found myself thinking about her my every waking moment, along with following her to and from home or work without her noticing. The only time that I’d be over at Candice’s was when Brianne was there. I craved being around her all the time. All I wanted to do is soak up her presence. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I’d become obsessed with her.

I hadn’t acknowledged my fixation until Ms. Jasmine and Mr. Derek caught me on one of my stakeouts. At the time I had been staying at their place for a while, since I just didn’t want to be alone. They had become the Mom and Dad that I longed for. Everything about them, from their chemistry to the way they fussed over me, had had me emotionally traveling back to my younger years. The difference this time was in my head. They were my parents. I was loved and catered to. Mr. Derek and Ms. Jasmine gave me their undivided attention. I devoured the affection they gave me so much that I feigned for more. And they were right by my side, supporting me after my breakup with Brianne.

Ms. Jasmine was so bothered by the way Brianne handled things that I used her anger to my advantage by sending flowers to the house, addressed to me, the card signed by Brianne, supposedly. On the first occasion I sent them, I included a note that said, I am sorry. Please forgive me . That ate away at Ms. Jasmine; she felt Brianne was toying with my emotions. She also implied the last thing I need was to try to reconcile with another human being when I hadn’t made peace with myself yet. I disagreed with her, but I loved the attention I received because of it. So, I sent more flowers to myself. It got to the point where I sent flowers, gifts, and cards to myself for five days straight.

Shaking my head, I play back one of the most humiliating days of my life.

A smirk danced across my face as the chiming of the doorbell alerted us that we had a guest.

“I’ll get it,” I announced.

After opening the door to the delivery guy, I shouted, “There’s a delivery. Ooh, Ms. Jasmine, what did you do to deserve these long-stemmed roses?”

“He didn’t,” she said as she came up behind me.

“It looks like he did. Hmm, what did you do to deserve these?” I teased.

“Girl, mind your manners.” She took the flowers out of the delivery guy’s hands as I signed for them.

“What does the card say? This is so sweet. I love how Mr. Derek loves you,” I said.

Ms. Jasmine’s usually calm and pleasant demeanor changed dramatically as she looked from the card up at me. With her nostrils flaring and her eyes flashing and closing into slits, she roared, “Enough is enough! I assure you this will be the last day Brianne toys with you.”

“Mama, what has you so upset? I can hear you over the television,” Mr. Derek shouted from the den.

Storming into the den, Ms. Jasmine threatened, “She has to answer to me now. This is not a game. How dare she toy with Jenna’s emotions! This is the last straw. Every single day, Derek? Who sends something every single day, knowing this girl is fragile? To think she’s supposed to be this high-profile therapist. From the looks of it, her confused tail is the one that requires therapy.”

“Baby, please calm yourself down. You done got your pressure all up. You know good and well that ain’t good for your heart.”

“Yes, you’re right. Let me calm down. Jenna, baby, are you all right? I know this is a lot to deal with and is confusing. Please know it’s a trick of the enemy. God is not the author of confusion, baby.”

“I’ll be okay. I just need air. I am going to go for a drive. I need time to myself to think all this through,” I said, laying it on thick.

“We will be here if you need us. You don’t have to deal with this alone, Jenna. We love you,” Ms. Jasmine said.

“I love both of you more, Ms. Jasmine.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?” she added.

“Let the girl be, Jazz.”

“I’ll be fine. I thank both of you for being here for me. I really appreciate it.”

I remember now that as I walked out the door, my heart beat hard with excitement. I just loved how they fretted over me. No one had ever really made a fuss over me like that. Dad had pretty much moved in with Candice and the kids, and lately he hadn’t had too much time for me. So, the way I saw it, Ms. Jasmine and Mr. Derek had become my saving grace. They were what I needed at that time.

I climbed in my car and headed over to Brianne’s office. I was running a little late that day, so I sped. It was a Thursday, so I knew she should be heading to her office for her 1:00 p.m. session with Simone. I liked to get there early and sit in my hiding spot, so I’d be there when she arrived. I just had to get a glimpse of her. Of course, I make it there in record time, as usual. As I waited, I penned another letter to myself, so I could mail it on my way back to the house. Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t hear or see Ms. Jasmine standing outside of the car, tapping on the window. I have a vivid recollection of what she said and how mortified I felt.

“Jenna? What are you doing over here? Why do you have on that wig and shades? Why are you over here? What are you doing? Open this door right now!”

I nervously opened the car door, and my love letter dropped at Ms. Jasmine’s feet. After picking it up, her eyes stretched as she read the words on the page.

She looked at me. “Are you serious? This is insane. Please don’t tell me you’ve been sending all that stuff to the house too, Jenna?”

“I—I miss her so much. I just wanted her attention.”

“This isn’t normal, Jenna. This is scary. You could be arrested for stalking her like this. You need to get some help, before it is too late.”

“Please don’t tell anyone, Ms. Jasmine. I am so embarrassed,” I said, feeling frantic.

“I cannot believe you right now. You have me over here looking crazy. What if I had barged in there and given her a piece of my mind, like I intended to? I would have looked nuts. I am so disappointed in you right now.”

“Jazz, please calm down. I told you on the way over this isn’t our fight,” Mr. Derek said and placed his hand on her shoulder.

I hadn’t noticed him standing behind her, and now I was even more mortified.

Since that embarrassing day, I have been in therapy. Ms. Jasmine connected me to a therapist, who I have been seeing three times a week for the past five months. I didn’t know how damaged I was until I saw myself through Ms. Jasmine’s eyes that day. Therapy has been my solace. I’ve learned so much about myself in my sessions. It’s crazy how you can walk around feeling happy and even accomplishing things and still be a complete mess on the inside. All my actions had been the result of my abandonment issues. Mom’s death, Dad breaking up our home, and me being forced to live with Camilla had been traumatic, and little had I known I’d been walking around traumatized because of it.

I can now admit that I was attracted to older women because of my lack of a mother’s love. Camilla’s verbal abuse just added fuel to the fire, and so did the fact that Dad was not there physically and emotionally for me. He was never around, and deep down inside I took the blame for this and became insecure when it came to the opposite sex. I never allowed myself to get close to a man in that manner because of my lack of trust in my dad. To me, all men were all the same, and the thought of a man is my life was abhorrent. In turn, I told myself that I was a lesbian, and I lived a lie all those years without even knowing it. So, because of my abandonment issues, I stalked Brianne like a nut. Now that I have realized what I did, I have never been so ashamed of myself. Why didn’t I know something wasn’t right in the first place? All I ever wanted from her was affection, but in the way a mother shows affection to a child. At that time, I didn’t realize that’s what I longed for. It’s clear as day now.

Thank God for Dr. Imberti. She is a genius. I will continue therapy for the foreseeable future, because I want to be able to help other women that are struggling with abandonment, with their identity, or with just knowing who they are. I am a work in progress. Something great will be birthed when I get to the other side of all this.