CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Why Does It Hurt So Bad? Jenna...

No matter how hard I try to relax, sleep will not come to me. I think I rested my eyes a little better in the hospital, at least up until my “rape kit.” Filling out the paperwork was bad enough, but having swabs taken in areas where I never want to be touched again made me feel like I was being assaulted all over again. I thought I’d be able to sleep in this spare bedroom and be all right, but I was wrong. It is clear that it doesn’t matter where I am, where I seek refuge, because my thoughts are always with me, and images from that awful experience have been engraved on my mind, to be replayed over and over again.

I wish I had never gone to Omarion’s place. Why was I so stupid? Did my choice lead to my rape? This is all my fault. I stayed, when I should have left. Why was I so dumb? I should have just come here, like I had intended to do.

“Jenna, is it all right for me to come in?” Candice says as she peeks her head in the room.

“Sure. I can’t sleep. I was just lying here thinking.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“I know Omarion will get away with what he did to me. I hate myself so much for letting this happen.”

“Jenna, you are the victim. You didn’t let anything happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. Omarion is to blame, not you. He’s solely at fault. He took advantage of you and played your vulnerabilities against you.”

“But I went to his place, Candice. I changed my clothes there. I put his sister’s clothes on and slept in his home. I asked for it. It’s all my fault.”

Candice shakes her head. “One of the hardest parts in all this is beating yourself up. I want you to know you did not ask him to rape you, Jenna. You fought him off you. You told him to stop, and he didn’t. That’s rape.”

“I did. I really tried to fight him, Candice, but he held me down. He turned into a monster. ‘You’re no fun, you confused slut.,’ he taunted. I guess I fought a little too much, and that’s when he hit me.”

“I hope he rots in prison. He deserves to be put underneath the prison.”

“Hopefully, he doesn’t get off. I don’t know what I’d do if he does. That’d really show it was my fault,” I say.

“No matter what does or does not happen, it isn’t, wasn’t, and never will be your fault. I am going to retain the best lawyers money can buy if I have to. He will not get away with this. Enough is enough. We will fight until the last breath is in our bodies. Do you hear me? No one will get away with doing anything like this to any of us ever again. No more, Jenna.

“And I want you to know, even though it feels like it’s your fault, the world is against you, and every harsh thing you have floating in your head, it’s all a lie. It will get better. You have a support system like no other. The girls and I have been in the same confused, hurt, vulnerable, and angry frame of mind that you’re in right now, and just like we are progressively healing and moving past it, you will as well. Dad, Ms. J, Mr. Dee, and Alonzo love you with everything in them. You are not alone in any of this.”

“I know. I just need time. Right now I don’t want to be around Dad and Zoe. I can’t look at them.”

“You do know they would never hurt you, right? They love you. Take your time with it all, and like I said, we will be here every step of the way.” She pauses. “Do you want to sleep in my room with me? You know you love my bed.”

“I do love your bed,” I agree. “But I want to just lie here for now.”

“Well, in case you change your mind, I will leave your side of the bed open for you.”

“Thank you, Candice.”

She kisses my forehead before leaving.

I remain in the spare bedroom, but time appears to get the best of me. I cannot sleep, no matter how hard I try. In the middle of the night, with my eyes closed, I try to force myself to sleep. But the snapshots in my mind of Omarion on top of me won’t fade away. I’ve tried thinking of other things, and the only thing I can think of are the images I am trying to delete from my mind. Although I am trying to go to sleep, I am afraid to drift off. I’m sure that’s why it’s so difficult for me to do so. I thought Omarion was different. How could I have compared him to Alonzo? Zoe has never looked at me seductively or made me feel uncomfortable. We’ve slept in the same bed, I’ve had to change my shirt in front of him, and he never once made me feel uncomfortable.

Tears slide from behind my closed eyes.

I grab my cell phone, I search for Zoe’s number and text him.

I know. And thank you.

He texts me back right away. I love you, Jen, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I didn’t have the words to respond. I knew he’d understand what I was saying. I’ll talk to my dad later, I decide. This is just an awful feeling. I’m so afraid. The pain is unbearable. It hurts so much. Dr. Kirby said that beast ruptured my hymen. I may or may not require surgery. I have to wait until my follow-up gynecologist visit to find out. If it’s not necessary, I am going to decline, in hopes it heals itself. He prescribed antibiotics to reduce the risk of an infection. Right now, I have a tampon-like device, called a dilator, inserted in my broken vagina to keep the hole open as it heals. I was hoping he could prescribe something for the growing hole in my heart.

The most challenging part of all this is having to go to my place of work as a rape victim. I don’t want anyone looking at me funny or treating me differently if and when I return. So many things have bombarded my mind recently that I feel like my head is going to explode. I despise taking pills, but they appear to be a part of my new life. Besides, this headache is going to take me out. I have to take something for it. Dr. Kirby also prescribed Valium and Motrin for the pain, considering I refuse to take anything stronger. My mind is weak right now, and I don’t want to self-medicate my worries away, though I am in the lowest place of my life. I think sleep is really what I need right now. I am going to take this melatonin Candice left here for me. Supposedly it’s a soporific.

Boom! A loud noise pulls me from my sleep just after I doze off.

Opening eyes, my heart pounds in my ears, and I open my mouth to scream, but I am unable to utter a sound. I find myself paralyzed too, unable to move, and then I see this menacing shadow hovering over me.

“Listen to me and hear me good,” the shadow says, its hand over my mouth. I realize it is a woman. “I don’t appreciate you rejecting me when I ran to your aid. I was nothing but good to you, and you push me away and embarrass me like that? How dare you! I am going to remove my hand. You better not make a sound.”

I remain still, and she takes her hand off my mouth. But the moment she does,

“Dad . . . Alonzo . . . Candi—“I muster everything in me and shout, “Dad! Alonzo! Cand—” before she jumps on me and slaps her hand over my mouth.

Somehow Alonzo heard me, and he races into my room.

“I have had enough of you, Brianne.” Alonzo tackles her to the floor.

“Dr. Binet! How did you get in my house?” I gasp.

“Get off me, you coward!” she yells as she fights Alonzo.

Suddenly Dad appears in the doorway.

“Dad, call nine-one-one!” I shout. “She broke in. Dr. Binet broke in!”

“How can I break in when I know where the key is? You invited me in,” she screams, trying to break loose of Alonzo’s hold.