The dream felt so real that Tex could smell Quincy’s drunken breath, could hear the cock of the outlaw’s gun, could feel the cold press of the barrel in his side. “You’re gonna give me my map, Tex,” the man snarled. “If I have to take it from your cold, lifeless hand, so be it. Wherever you run, I’m gonna find you. You can’t hide forever...”
Tex startled awake and swung at the air in defense, certain Quincy was standing over him. When he realized he was alone in the parlor, he lowered his arms and stared at the ceiling. His nightshirt was soaked with sweat and his heart still pounded like a runaway horse inside his chest.
While he still felt certain Quincy didn’t know where he was hiding out, the man wasn’t one to let go of a grudge. Tex had figured that out after only a few minutes in Quincy’s presence. Hence the continued nightmares.
Throwing off his blanket, Tex sat, his bare feet on the floor, and willed his heart rate to slow. He’d stowed his saddlebags behind the sofa for safekeeping but also for quick access—day or night. It would be so easy to pull them out now, saddle up Brutus and disappear again. And yet he couldn’t do it. Not when he hadn’t fully completed his commitment to Ravena. And not after last night.
Ravena might not fully welcome his presence here, but she’d offered him an olive branch in the form of the extra piece of pie, the brief but sweet touch to his face and her offer to Tex of her grandfather’s harmonica. And he had to admit, he’d play the instrument for her and the children over and over again if it meant another chance to hear her sing.
The moment she’d started, something inside him had broken loose. He didn’t want to keep up this formal, distant relationship between them anymore; he wanted to be friends again. And after last night, he believed Ravena might want that too.
The thought filled him with both fear and tentative happiness. Tex hadn’t met anyone in years who he could call a true friend. Instead he’d operated under the knowledge that at any moment a comrade could become an enemy if there was money, the law or a woman involved. But he liked being around Ravena and he liked being around the children. And the idea of forming deeper bonds with someone felt good.
Even if it couldn’t be permanent.
Certain he wouldn’t fall back asleep now, Tex rose and dressed for the day. He’d get an earlier start on the morning chores and surprise Jacob. He smiled to himself at the thought of the boy coming downstairs in a few hours to discover everything was already done.
Tex lit a lamp and made his way onto the porch and into the shadowed yard. The warmth and smell of the barn felt almost welcoming as he slipped through the doors and set the lamp down. He threw himself into his tasks, eager to drive away any lingering thoughts about Quincy. But the thoughts wouldn’t depart.
Even if Quincy had followed him after he’d fled Casper, Tex had made sure to keep his trail as untraceable as possible. He’d bought new clothes at the first available store and had purchased multiple train tickets for places he didn’t intend to see, all in an attempt to throw off Quincy’s pursuit. Hopefully the rustler would assume Tex had died as a result of the sheriff’s bullet or that he’d fled farther north to Montana or Canada. But Tex couldn’t know that for certain, and the unknown gnawed at him like a tick on a horse.
Tex had the chores finished and was exiting the barn as the first rays of sunrise were peeking over the hills. His surprise was complete. He whistled to himself as he headed around the back of the house to the kitchen.
A light shone inside, which meant Ravena was likely up and starting breakfast. He would’ve liked to surprise her too, after her kindness last night. Tex wiped his boots and pushed the door open wide enough to see her standing at the stove. The sight of her stole the tune from his lips.
Her dark hair gleamed in the lamplight and her cheeks had been turned a pretty pink from the stove’s heat. But it was more than her physical beauty that stopped him cold. In this moment he could plainly see the way she radiated innocence, compassion and honesty. Qualities his mother had demonstrated to him and Tate, and yet, Tex had chosen a path that encompassed none of those things.
For the first time since coming to the farm, Tex felt as if the dirt and manure that had coated his boots only moments ago covered him inside. He wasn’t just trespassing on Ravena’s hospitality; he was also trespassing on her goodness. His earlier desire to flee rose with greater urgency inside him. He cast a look at the horizon and fell back a step.
“Tex?” Ravena’s voice pierced the choke hold of his panic. “I didn’t know you were up already.”
He swallowed hard and forced himself to step inside the kitchen. The horizon wasn’t going anywhere and neither was he. If nothing else, he hoped keeping his word to her this time would blot out some of the inner stain he’d collected.
“Morning,” he said with forced ease and cheerfulness. “I couldn’t sleep and thought I’d get an early start to the chores.”
“Should I wake Jacob?” She stepped toward the inner doorway.
Tex shook his head. “Let him sleep in for once. Everything’s finished.”
Her bright smile only prompted greater guilt within him. “That was very kind of you.” She returned to the stove, saying over her shoulder, “Next time you can’t sleep, I’d be happy to make some tea for you. It’s guaranteed to put a body to sleep within minutes.”
He offered the laugh she likely expected from him, but he felt no real merriment. “I’ll remember that. For now, I’ll take some strong coffee.”
“Coming up.” When he stood there, unsure what to do next, she waved toward the table. “Have a seat.”
Pulling out a chair, he dropped into it. I’m here to help her, he told himself. And that’s got to amount to something, for both of us.
“Care to talk about why you couldn’t sleep?” He could easily picture her asking the same question of one of the children. But the parallel didn’t offend him. Instead it reminded him of how well Ravena had stepped into the role of nurturing parent, even if it was in a less conventional way.
He shrugged as he put on a nonchalant expression. “Just a bad dream.”
“Like the ones you had when you were sick?”
Since he couldn’t recall any of those dreams, he wasn’t sure, but it was likely he’d been plagued by nightmares of Quincy then too. “I think so.”
“The sofa’s not too uncomfortable, is it?” she asked next.
He’d slept on far worse, especially during his flight from Casper. “No, it’s just fine.”
“Because if you want to switch for the bed again...”
“Ravena,” he said, waiting for her to turn around. Her compassion aggravated his already guilty conscience. “The arrangement we have is more than suitable.”
Her brow furrowed and Tex wondered if she could sense he was talking about far more than the sleeping arrangements. He meant his being here and helping. It was more than suitable, wasn’t it? He could’ve left much sooner as he’d planned, but he hadn’t.
After a few minutes of tense silence, Ravena plunked a cup onto the table in front of him. “Here’s your coffee.” She was irritated with him.
Tex frowned as he took a sip of the drink.
“Thank you for the coffee,” he said in a genuine tone as he twisted in his chair to face her. “And thank you for the use of the sofa.” She could have insisted he stay out in the barn as the other hired hands had done.
Ravena glanced at him, and like the night before, some of the guardedness dropped from her beautiful, dark eyes. “You’re welcome.”
How many times had he gazed into those eyes and thought he was the most fortunate man in the world to have won her heart? The reality that she no longer looked back at him with that same tenderness and adoration hit him hard. Mustering up a feigned smile, he turned back to his coffee.
Jacob rushed into the kitchen at that moment, hastily trying to tuck his shirt into his trousers and pull up his suspenders at the same time. His sudden appearance gave Tex something else to focus on besides the past and he gratefully clung to it.
“You’re late,” he said to the boy. He shot Ravena a look, hoping she’d play along.
“Chores are already done, Jacob. Mr. Beckett did all of them.” She kept a deadpan expression, which prompted Tex to hide a grin behind the lip of his coffee cup.
Jacob ground to a stop as he ran his hand through his mussed hair. “I’m sorry, Miss Ravena. I don’t know what happened. I don’t usually sleep—”
“It’s all right, kid.” Tex let his smile break free and pulled out the chair next to him. “I was up early and thought I’d get everything done and out of the way so you could sleep a little longer.”
Jacob’s face changed in an instant from downtrodden and confused to relieved and happy. “Wow, thanks, Tex,” he said, plopping into the chair.
“Mr. Beckett,” Ravena corrected. Tex cringed, realizing that he probably should have talked to her before giving Jacob permission to call him by his first name.
Jacob spun in his chair, looking uncertain. “He told me I could call him that. Didn’t you, Tex?”
He dipped his head in a nod, even as he kept his gaze on Ravena. He couldn’t quite read the emotions flashing in her eyes. Did she wish for him to keep his interactions with the children stiff and formal? He hoped not. While he knew they shouldn’t get too attached, he liked the idea of being a big brother to them while he was here.
“If Tex said to call him that, then I suppose that’s fine.”
Jacob wasn’t the only one to release a breath; Tex did the same. The rest of the children trooped into the kitchen after that, looking sleepy, except for Mark. The boy moved about with the energy of a jackrabbit. Tex almost envied him.
After Ginny blessed the food, Ravena joined them at the table to eat breakfast. Tex had only managed to down a few bites when Fanny, seated at his left, glanced at him, her young face lit with earnestness.
“Mr. Beckett,” she asked in her sweet voice, “are you comin’ to church with us today?”
Tex coughed with embarrassment as the rest of the children turned expectant gazes in his direction. Lifting his cup, he downed more of his coffee—not just to clear his throat but to stall for an answer. How could he tell her that he had no desire to set foot inside a church?
“I was planning on staying here at the farm today, Fanny,” he hedged.
Her small mouth pursed into a frown. “But you didn’t come last week neither. And Miss Ravena says church is as important as school.”
Glancing at Ravena, Tex silently pleaded for her to help him explain. But instead of jumping in to rescue him, she simply smiled at him over the brim of her cup and said, “That is true, Fanny. Church is as important as school.”
Tex cleared his throat, feeling irritation and shame lodging there. He’d committed to helping with the planting, not attending church. He might have gone regularly with his family when his mother was alive, but he’d gone less and less after her death as the distance increased between him and God—and him and Tate, who had continued to go every Sunday. Besides, he couldn’t afford being recognized in town.
“I’m afraid that isn’t going to work today,” he said, scooting his chair back and standing. “But I’ll get the wagon and the horses ready for you.”
The little girl’s expression remained sad, but he wouldn’t give her false promises. He’d had enough of those from his father growing up.
After clearing his dishes to the sink, Tex slipped back outside. He hated the disappointment he’d seen on all the children’s faces just now. But he was here to do a job, not join them at church as if they were a family.
He busied himself with shaving in the extra room off the barn and then with hitching the horses to the wagon. After that he took a walk to look over the fields they’d already planted. He didn’t have any desire to hear a repeat of Fanny’s request before she and the rest of them left. When he returned to the house, the wagon was gone.
What to do now? He could get a little more of the planting done on his own, but Ravena had told him that he could have the day off on Sundays. Which suited him fine, except he had no place to go and nothing to do. He wandered over to the porch and went to sit in the rocker before remembering it was broken.
One look revealed one of the runners was missing. Perhaps it had been placed inside the barn on the table with Ravena’s grandfather’s woodworking tools. He could recall watching Ezra make the rocker when the older man had taught Tex all about carpentry years ago. The rocker shouldn’t be too difficult to fix and would be something he could surprise Ravena with. It would be a way to thank her, with more than words, for all of her help while he’d been ill.
Hoisting the rocker, he carried it to the barn. He opened the doors to allow in some of the bright morning sunshine, then set the piece of furniture next to Ezra’s woodworking table. Sure enough he found the broken runner lying among the man’s tools. Tex picked up one of the chisels, his mind filling with memories.
As a boy, he’d trailed Ezra Reid around the farm, eager for a man to talk to besides his always-absent father. And Ezra hadn’t let him down. The man had taught Tex how to farm, how to play the harmonica, how to build more out of wood than a fence, how to be a gentleman. Tex had loved hearing Ezra’s stories about heading West as a boy, about meeting his sweetheart Olive, about buying this spread of land. He’d given Tex a glimpse of life beyond this little valley and whetted his appetite to see it for himself one day.
“Guess I did, Ezra,” he murmured as he set down the chisel to pick up a mallet.
How had Ravena’s grandfather felt about him when Tex ran off, leaving Ravena behind? The thought wasn’t a new one, but the possibility of Ezra thinking poorly of him still had the power to bring a sharp ache to Tex’s chest. He’d tried so hard, even before asking Ravena to elope, to prove to her grandfather and to himself that he was worthy of such a woman. But the truth was he hadn’t been. Not then or now.
Worse than that, he’d convinced Ravena to come away with him without telling her grandfather because Tex had been sure Ezra wouldn’t condone their actions. Would her grandfather have eventually given his consent to their marriage if Tex had stuck around? He closed his mind to the prospect. It didn’t matter anymore. He’d done what he’d done and he couldn’t undo it. But he could still try to make things up to Ravena—and in the process, maybe he could feel he’d made peace with Ezra too.
Determined, he located two sawhorses and propped the runner between them. He used a small saw to remove the broken parts of the runner, then went to work carving new dowels from some lumber he found behind the barn.
The smell of wood and shavings filled his nose as Tex worked, bringing a smile to his mouth. It had been far too long since he’d made or repaired something with his own two hands. Regret crept in, stealing some of his contentment.
He’d once envisioned living a life similar to Ezra Reid’s—a loving wife, a family, a home full of people and laughter. That had been his plan when he and Ravena talked of eloping. But first he wanted to see the world outside their valley home. So he’d taken his mother’s earrings, in the hopes of selling them to support him and Ravena as they travelled about the country. Eventually they’d settle down somewhere and he’d become a farmer or a carpenter. It didn’t matter what he did so long as it was in some distant place with Ravena.
No wonder Tate had accused him that night of being a thief. It wasn’t just in regards to taking their mother’s earrings. Tex had planned to steal Ravena away as well, from her grandfather and from her life here, and disappear like a thief in the night.
Tex had felt the truth of Tate’s words and it had burned him inside. He’d been tired of working so hard on a farm he couldn’t call his own, not completely. He’d been tired of living in Tate’s shadow too, of feeling like the rebellious, irresponsible twin just because he wasn’t as serious or because he only liked farming instead of loving it the way his brother did. And when Tate had threatened to ride over to the Reids’ and reveal Tex’s plan to Ezra, Tex had panicked. He’d knocked his twin out cold, jumped on his horse and rode as fast and as far as he could.
When Tex had finally stopped, it was full dark. He felt cold and tired, though no longer as angry. He turned the horse around, with every intention of going back, but fear suddenly gripped him. What would Ravena and Ezra think if they learned he’d taken his mother’s earrings from his own brother and knocked him unconscious? And if Tate had followed through on his threat, would Ezra forgive Tex for wanting to take away the man’s only living family member?
He’d asked himself that night why he wanted to slip away in the first place, without telling anyone. And he didn’t like the answer—that he’d been looking for the easy way out, like his father had always done. Ravena did deserve better. She deserved someone like Tate who was honest and responsible, who didn’t favor their father in temperament like Tex did. Maybe his leaving was more proof that he, like his father, wouldn’t ever change.
With those thoughts as his companions, Tex had pointed his horse south once more and kept riding, without looking back. If Tate thought him a thief, then the life of a thief was what he’d embrace. But he wouldn’t drag Ravena down with him.
Tex gulped in a breath of barn air and wood, desperate to end the parade of recollections through his mind. He’d made his choice, and it wasn’t honorable; still, he’d been successful, happy even. At least to some degree.
As he fitted the runner with the new dowels and put it back on the rocker, he couldn’t help comparing his life to the broken piece of furniture. It had looked purposeful, efficient and even nice until he’d taken the time to examine it up close.
Coming back here to Ravena’s was making him look at his life more closely than he had in years. And while he enjoyed the freedom and adventure of the outlaw life, it looked a bit lopsided, a bit broken, when compared to what she and the orphans had here.
“Enough,” he growled at himself, his voice echoing off the rafters and disturbing a pair of birds. He had half a mind to go to church with them next week, just so he wouldn’t have to face the solitude of his own thoughts.
He set the rocker on its runners and gave the seat a gentle push. The thing began rocking at once. Tex grinned—he’d fixed it. If nothing else, Ezra would surely be proud of him for that.
Carrying the rocker out of the barn, across the yard and to the porch, he set it down in its original spot. He considered pointing it out to Ravena the moment she and the children returned. But then he changed his mind. He’d hoped to surprise her earlier with the chores and hadn’t. So this would be his surprise instead.
His smile deepened when he imagined the look on her pretty face when she discovered the rocker had been mysteriously fixed. It would’ve been the type of thing he would have done had they married. The thought caused his smile to slip, but he forced it back into place.
Things were going well—the planting was coming along, Quincy hadn’t tracked him down yet, and he and Ravena were tentative friends again. He wouldn’t wish for anything more. It would only make things harder when it came time to leave.
* * *
“Children,” Ravena called up the stairs. “It’s time to read the Bible.” Her grandfather had started the Sunday evening tradition when she was a girl and she had kept it up after his passing.
“I suppose it’s time for me to move then,” Tex said from the parlor as he folded the newspaper he’d been reading and set it aside. He rose to his feet. “I think I’ll head outside for some air.”
She chastised herself for the pang of disappointment his words inspired. Why should he stay and listen? He hadn’t last Sunday and today he’d practically expired over Fanny’s invitation to attend church with them.
The rest of the day had been rather nice, though. Tex had gone out into the yard before supper to play a game of blindman’s bluff with the children, and even Ginny had participated. Ravena had caught him smiling secretively to himself more than once too. Not in an alarming way but in a way that reminded her of times past when Tex used to bring her little gifts or plan some adventure for them.
Maybe that’s it, she thought, her discontent changing to sorrow. Maybe he’s just planning his next adventure for after he leaves here.
Well, he had a right to do that. It wasn’t as if he had a real reason to stay or any permanent ties to the farm.
She put on a smile as the children came downstairs and arranged themselves on the parlor furniture. Picking up the Bible from off the side table, she took a seat on the sofa. “Now, does anyone remember—”
“Mr. Beckett?” Fanny called as Tex opened the screen door. “Aren’t you comin’ to Bible reading?”
He cut a look at Ravena and she found herself holding her breath, even as she knew she was being silly. It wasn’t as if his staying to listen to the Bible meant anything. But she couldn’t squelch the hope that Tex would accept Fanny’s invitation this time, though Ravena had no illusions that his faith was stronger than when he’d last been here. Quite the contrary.
“You know, I was just waitin’ for a pretty little girl to ask me,” Tex said, letting the screen fall shut as he walked back into the room. Ravena let her breath out in a puff of surprise. Fanny beamed as if she’d known all along that her solicitation would be accepted this time.
Tex settled onto the opposite end of the sofa and Fanny scrambled up beside him. Though four feet and one happy little girl separated them, Ravena felt suddenly aware of Tex’s presence. Like the way the lamplight revealed the bristles on his face that had grown back since his morning shave, or the way his warm blue eyes held hers just now and made her heart trip.
Clearing her throat, Ravena dipped her chin and opened the Bible to her bookmark. “Now, as I was saying, does anyone remember what story we read last week?”
“Ohhhh.” Mark waved his arm about in the air, then blurted out an answer before Ravena could call on him. “It was about a lost sheep and a lost coin. Ain’t that right, Miss Ravena?”
She nodded, ignoring his grammar in light of his enthusiasm. “Yes, that’s right, Mark. Thank you. And tonight, we’ll be reading about the prodigal son.”
After reading a few verses, and seeing the younger boys’ eyes begin to glaze over, Ravena opted to tell the rest of the story in her own words. When she’d finished her retelling, she read the final verse of the parable from the Bible. “‘It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.’”
“Why did he have to eat with the pigs?” Luke asked when she shut the Bible.
Ravena bit back a laugh at the boy’s repulsed expression. “He didn’t have to—he chose to. And his earlier choices meant he had nothing to eat. We get to choose what we do with our lives, but like the younger son in the story, we don’t get to choose our consequences.”
“How come the older brother got mad?” Mark cocked his head, his brow furrowed in deep thought. “Didn’t he want to come to the party?”
“Well, he was upset because he’d stayed and done all that was asked of him by his father.” A tremor of regret rocked through Ravena as she listened to her own words. Like the older brother in the story, she’d stayed, but she might have made a very different choice if Tex had shown up that night. She reined her thoughts in to finish explaining. “He couldn’t understand why the younger brother would get a reward when he’d made foolish choices while the older brother had made wise choices and never got a party as a reward for them.”
Jacob lifted his arms and leaned his head back on his hands. “It does seem a little unfair that the younger one got a party.”
“Perhaps,” Ravena consented, “but we have to remember he didn’t have a home or a life free of guilt and remorse like his older brother did. He might have had his fun for a time, but he realized, in the end, that what he really wanted wasn’t what he had. It was everything he’d left behind.” From the corner of her eye, she saw Tex visibly wince. Was he comparing the story to his own life? She suddenly wondered how many parallels there were between he and Tate and these two brothers. “Anyway, the father recognized the humble change in his son and wanted him to know he was still welcomed back, no matter what his choices had been.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Jacob said. “He lost out on a lot of things that the older brother didn’t.”
Ravena smiled at the boy. “Yes, Jacob, that’s right. What about you, Fanny? What did you like about the story?”
The little girl leaned forward. “That there was music and dancing.”
Everyone but Tex laughed at that. “Ginny, anything you liked or had questions about?” Ravena asked. “Or maybe you can tell us why you think Jesus told the story.”
Ginny glanced down at her lap. “I think He wanted the people to know that no one is ever lost to Him, no matter what.”
Ravena sat back, both pleased and surprised at the depth to Ginny’s comment. “That is a beautiful way to put it.” The girl blushed, but the briefest of smiles tugged at her mouth. “And now, it’s bedtime.”
Mark led Luke in a squirming groan that ended with both of them wrestling on the floor. With a sigh, Ravena stood and gently pulled Luke to his feet. “Go on, now. Both of you.”
“I’ll beat you,” Mark called, scrambling up and dashing past his brother.
Luke rushed after him. “No, I’ll beat you.”
Jacob and Ginny rolled their eyes and followed at a plodding pace. Only Fanny remained.
“Come on, Fanny,” Ravena reminded. “You too.”
The little girl bobbed her head, then climbing to her knees, she pressed a kiss to Tex’s cheek. He looked startled, but Ravena wasn’t sure if it was from Fanny’s show of affection or from something he’d been mulling over. He recovered quickly though.
“Why thank you, little lady.” He pretended as if he were doffing his hat to her, which made Fanny giggle. “Now scoot along.”
She hopped down from the sofa and took Ravena’s hand. “’Night, Mr. Beckett. Thanks for coming to Bible reading.”
“’Night, Fanny.” The gentleness in his voice made Ravena wish, for a moment, that he was talking to her.
What would they do when he left? she wondered as she and Fanny climbed the stairs. The children were all enamored with him, and Jacob was already calling Tex by his first name. As for herself... She was beginning to see that Tex’s leaving wouldn’t be so different than the last time. He would leave a hole in all of their hearts that only he, and he alone, could ever fill.