A CLEVER CONSPIRACY TO ATTACK MARRIAGE

All right, where are they?

Where are all these gay couples threatening my heterosexual marriage?

I know they’re out there. Why else would our state representatives have spent this much time and energy in the middle of a budget crisis, a health-care crisis, and a schools crisis to pass the Defense of Marriage Act, which robs gays of rights they never had in the first place?

And how stupid am I? When I agreed to marry a man, I didn’t realize all the happily coupled gays we know were rooting against us.

They sure seem happy for us. In fact, every time one of them finds out we’re getting married, they say such nice things like, “What a perfect couple!” and “Congratulations!” and “Let’s see the ring!” (I normally don’t use exclamation marks, but they sound so excited I have no choice.)

Pretty clever, these homosexuals.

But I’m no fool. I’m a journalist. So, I went in search of the Lesbian, Gay, and Transgendered Attack on Marriage Task Force.

I called Patrick Shepherd, president of the gay Stonewall Democrats.

First words out of his mouth: “Congratulations on your engagement!” (See what I mean? Clever.)

“Don’t mess with me, Patrick,” I said. “I want names. Who are the gays threatening my marriage?”

Immediately, he started laughing.

“I love you, Connie.”

Now how confusing is that?

“I mean it, Patrick. How many gays do you know?”

“Five.”

“Patrick.”

“Okay, make that five hundred.”

“How many of them are actively seeking the demise of my heterosexual union?”

Patrick hesitated. “You want exact numbers?”

“Exact.”

“There aren’t any.”

“Not one?”

“No, sorry. Not one of us cares about your marriage. Some of us are jealous, but that’s because your guy is hot.”

Big help he was.

So, I called Patti Harris, managing editor of the Gay People’s Chronicle. She knows thousands of gay people. Surely she could identify the gays threatening my marriage.

“You’re engaged?” she said.

Nice try.

“How?” I asked. “How could you be a leader of the homosexual agenda and not know I’m engaged?”

“Well,” she said, “right now my agenda is as follows: Pick up dry cleaning. Pick up eggs, milk, and bread. Mail brother’s birthday card, which is already late.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You don’t care about my heterosexual marriage?”

“No. I’ve been too busy worrying about how Ohio’s Defense of Marriage Act is the most antigay legislation in the country.”

Oh, that.

I asked her how many gays she knew of who were trying to undermine marriage.

“Let me think,” she said.

I let her think.

“Okay, I’ve counted.”

My heart started pounding. “How many, Patti, and don’t fudge the numbers.”

“Less than zero.”

“Zero?”

“Yeah. Zero.”

Maybe, I said, the Lesbian, Gay, and Transgendered Attack on Marriage Task Force was an underground movement that fell under her gaydar.

“Well,” she said, “you could be right. We’re pretty sneaky, you know. At least that’s what the far right tells me.”

Her words haunt me: We’re pretty sneaky.

I started thinking about our dear friends Kate and Jackie.

These two women have been a couple for ten years now, and they’ve been way too happy about our engagement. Congratulations, this. God’s blessings, that.

They’ve even invited us to dinner.

Yeah, that’s right. Dinner.

Oh, we’re going. You’d better believe we’re going.

I’m on a mission, see. And I’m keeping my eyes on them.