Chapter Four
Biscuits and I teamed up for the canoe race. Biscuits sat at the front. Our canoe tipped forwards. We swopped round which was exceedingly difficult. We got a bit wet in the process, but eventually I was squashed in the front and Biscuits sat behind me. Our canoe tilted backwards. We decided to put up with it. We agreed not to take the canoe race too seriously.
Giles and Kelly took it very seriously indeed. Jake had paired them up in one canoe. Giles stuck his nose in the air at the thought of sharing with Kelly. Kelly held her nose at the thought of sharing with Giles. But they made a very speedy pair and they were soon racing ahead through the water. Laura and Lesley were nippy too, paddling away like crazy.
‘Come on, you Tigers!’ Giles yelled, craning back at us.
There were just two huge Panthers ahead of Giles and Kelly. They had arm muscles like cannon balls and were way out in front. Giles and Kelly paddled frantically, desperate to catch them up.
‘Nutters!’ said Biscuits, wiping his brow. ‘Phew! I don’t think much of this canoeing lark, do you, Tim?’
‘Yeah. This isn’t my idea of fun,’ I said, paddling hard.
‘You can say that again,’ said Biscuits.
‘This isn’t my idea of fun,’ I said.
‘You can say that again,’ said Biscuits.
‘This isn’t my idea of fun,’ I said, cracking up laughing.
‘You can say that again,’ said Biscuits, spluttering.
We were soon laughing so much we nearly capsized our canoe.
Giles and Kelly were getting nearer and nearer the mighty Panthers. They drew close, maybe too close. The Panthers went a bit wobbly – and suddenly Giles and Kelly were ahead.
‘We’re in front!’ Giles yelled triumphantly.
‘We are the champions!’ Kelly sang, and she took something small out of her pocket and gave a victory wave.
She waved a little too vigorously. The small something flew through the air and did a swallow dive into the river.
Kelly screamed.
‘Theresa! Come back! You can’t swim!’ She sounded frantic.
Giles was growing frantic too. He was shouting at Kelly.
‘Sit down! You’ll have us over. What are you doing?’
Kelly twisted and turned, practically paddling backwards.
‘What’s up with Kelly?’ asked Biscuits, blinking at her.
‘She’s dropped Theresa in the water. You know. Her little Troll doll,’ I explained.
We knew all about Kelly’s lucky mascot. Jake and Sally didn’t.
They heard Kelly yelling desperately and came whizzing over in their own canoe.
‘Theresa’s drowning!’ Kelly sobbed.
‘Where? Which canoe? There isn’t a Theresa on the course! Kelly, who’s Theresa?’ they shouted urgently, Jake jumping up to dive to the rescue.
‘She’s her stupid Troll doll,’ Giles said disgustedly, as the mighty Panthers raced past towards the winning post.
Jake sat down again, and he and Sally waved their hands and went Phew!
‘Please, Jake! Can’t you dive in and look for her?’ Kelly yelled. ‘Oh, Theresa. Where are you?’
‘Hey!’ said Biscuits, his eyes beady. ‘Look, Theresa’s just bobbing past!’
I looked – and saw a little purple blob floating off towards the bank.
‘It is Theresa! It’s OK, Kelly,’ I shouted. ‘We’ve spotted her, Biscuits and me. We’ll get her.’
‘Yeah, we’ll get her out for you, Kelly,’ said Biscuits. ‘Er . . . how do we get the canoe to go sideways, Tim?’
‘Like this? Mmm. No. Like this?’
Our canoe wobbled dramatically as we experimented.
‘What are you two playing at?’ Giles yelled. ‘Finish the race first. We’ve all got to finish or we won’t get any points. You can go back for her doll afterwards.’
‘She can’t wait!’ said Kelly.
‘Come on, Biscuits,’ I said. ‘Before she gets swallowed up by a fish or something.’
We made for the bank as best we could.
‘You berks!’ Giles yelled in disgust. ‘You weedy nerdy little cissies.’
‘I wish he’d get swallowed up by a fish,’ said Biscuits. ‘A socking great shark.’
‘He’s going to get us later,’ I said.
‘Oh, pooh,’ said Biscuits. ‘We’ll get him.’
‘To the rescue. Super-Tim and Biscuit-Boy!’
‘D a n - d e - d a n - d a n - d a a a a n,’ Biscuits chanted.
We reached the bank. Theresa was bobbing in the scummy shallows, her purple hair wafting like water-weed. I got my paddle and used it like a fish slice, scooping Theresa up in the air.
She had never been a very pretty little doll. She’d now lost whatever looks she’d had. But Kelly was still thrilled to get her back. She hugged and kissed her. And you’ll never guess what. She hugged and kissed me.
Biscuits said he was very glad that I was the one who fished her out.
When we were in the kitchens clearing up after tea, Kelly tried to tame Theresa’s alarming new hairstyle with a small scrubbing-brush.
Laura and Lesley sighed.
‘You’re hopeless, Kelly,’ said Laura. ‘Look, give her here, I’ll do it.’
She had her own little pocket hairbrush. Kelly held Theresa while Laura brushed and styled her purple tresses.
‘You’re ever so good at hairstyles, Laura,’ said Lesley.
‘Keep Theresa still, Kelly,’ said Laura.
‘She’s shivering,’ said Kelly. She peered round and found a scrunched-up J-cloth. ‘Here. This will keep you warm until we get your little dress dry.’
‘Look, I could do with that cloth, Kelly,’ said Giles, washing dishes at the sink. ‘This one’s all holey and horrible.’
‘Theresa’s need is greater than yours, Giles,’ said Kelly firmly.
‘You and that stupid doll.’
‘She’s not a doll, she’s a troll,’ said Kelly.
‘We were winning,’ Giles wailed. ‘And yet we ended up last because of you and Biscuits and Tim.’
He dug me hard with his elbow, right in my tummy. ‘Why did you have to mess about for hours getting Kelly’s stupid doll?’
‘TROLL!’ Kelly shouted, flicking washing-up water in Giles’s face.
‘Kelly! Cut it out,’ said Giles, splashing her back. He splashed me too. ‘And then you got your canoe stuck in the mud on the bank!’
‘It wasn’t our fault,’ said Biscuits, emerging from the food cupboard, his hand deep in a packet of Frosties.
‘Yes, it’s not our fault we’re not very good at canoeing,’ I said.
‘The thing is, Tim, you’re not good at anything,’ said Giles.
Kelly splashed Giles again.
Giles splashed Kelly. He also splashed Laura by mistake.
‘Giles!’ Laura squeaked. ‘Look at my shirt, it’s soaking!’
‘Oh, Giles, you’ve got Laura all wet,’ said Lesley.
‘Tim’s the one that’s wet,’ said Giles, splashing me again. ‘Wet and weedy and pathetic.’
‘You shut up, Piles,’ said Biscuits, flicking Frosties at him. ‘You’re the one that’s pathetic.’
‘Yeah, Tim rescued Theresa. He’s a hero!’ said Kelly, and she splashed Giles.
He splashed her back. Copiously. Laura and Lesley got soaked this time. So they splashed Giles back. He splashed me again. Biscuits emptied the Frosties all over him. We all burst out laughing because he looked so funny. I threw my wiping-cloth at him. I missed, but it didn’t matter. We all started splashing and shrieking and then Jake suddenly charged into the kitchen and bellowed at us.
‘What on earth are you lot playing at?’
We ended up on our hands and knees doing an awful lot of mopping.
