Friday 26 August

Ben is the cute guy from the photo on Kate’s pinboard. He is standing by the river – like he comes with it. Ady and I watch him and Kate hug. I can tell we’re thinking the same thing: that it’s strange to have someone else in our sphere. What if it puts us out of balance? What if it’s awkward? What if Ben doesn’t like us, or we don’t like him? But we needn’t have worried because he’s great, funny, lovely – like Kate. And inside of ten minutes we’re all gabbing like mad and laughing our arses off at nothing and everything.

We go out on the river. Ady and Kate, me and Ben. I don’t even have to row. I just sit back and listen as he tells me about river sprites and the names of all the plants. When he gets excited about something (land, plants, river, rocks) his cheeks flush a little. It’s not unbecoming. As he gets used to me, he stops talking about the natural world and starts asking questions.

‘Do you like boarding school?’

I shrug. ‘It’s okay. It was lonely at first. It’s getting better.’

‘I couldn’t do it. I know it sounds uncool, but I’d miss my parents. I already miss Kate. I’m a bit lost without her.’

I’m quiet for a bit. ‘It must be good to have someone to rely on.’

‘Wait – don’t you have a twin?’

‘We don’t really get on.’ I stir the water with my fingertip and make up a credo. ‘How about, if you don’t get attached then you can’t get lost?’

Ben looks at me. ‘Nah. I don’t believe you think that for a second.’

I’m trying to give him a brave stare, but I don’t think it’s convincing.

‘Kate says you’re a swimmer.’

‘I was. But I stopped. I don’t want to do it competitively.’ This is the answer I’ve been practicing for when I have to explain to Mum and Dad.

‘If it was summer I could show you all the secret swimming spots.’

‘I’ve never swum in a river.’

‘What? Never?’

I shake my head. ‘Just a lot of pools.’

‘You’ll have to come back. River swimming is the best.’ He ducks his head and there’s an awkward silence – all sorts of thoughts and feelings are swimming in that space – like, is Ben asking me out? Is it crazy to think that maybe I would come back here?

Ben breaks the silence. ‘What’s a Clem dream?’

Stu arrives in my mind. I wish he wouldn’t. I think about how with Stu I felt like I had to work to hold his attention. Ben’s gaze is unswerving.

‘Uh,’ I say. ‘Pass.’

Ben rows us to a point where the river widens. In the middle there’s an island. He stills the canoe. Ady and Kate have gone in the other direction. It’s so quiet.

‘Why are we stopping?’ I mock-whisper.

‘There was a painted snipe’s nest here.’ He guides the canoe around the edge of the island with the oar. It looks less like an island than a swampland, and is covered in grasses. Ben reaches in his bag stealthily and brings out binoculars.

‘Woah,’ I whisper. ‘You brought the big guns.’

‘Impressed?’

I kind of am. He looks through and then hands them over.

‘Do you see him? Look along the ground – more to your right. White on his eye, white on his wing.’

‘I see him!’

‘Can you see the eggs?’

I nod and pass the binoculars back. ‘The male looks after the eggs?’

‘Uh-huh. And they may not even be his. The female is polyandrous.’

‘What’s that?’

‘She gets around.’ Ben uses the oar to push us back into the river. ‘But it’s a good thing, because they’re endangered.’

My fingers skim the water. The sun is sinking and the sky is changing from blue to mauve; the winter sun is like a low fireball. ‘It’s so beautiful here.’

Ben nods. ‘It’s pretty special. There’s nowhere else I’d want to live.’

‘You don’t feel like you’re missing out, not being in the city?’

‘The city makes me nervous. I don’t like crowds, and I don’t care about having to have the latest whatever. I like space.’

I look around. I entertain the idea of living in the country. I could move here and get a job fruit-picking or something. I could work and live life moment to moment. I wouldn’t have to be anything but present.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Ben asks. ‘Sorry. Dumb question.’

‘It’s okay. I was just . . .’

Ben’s listening. His waiting face. I don’t know why but I feel like I can talk to him.

‘Did you ever feel like you really got it wrong?’

He smiles. ‘Which it?’

‘Love.’ I shrug, half smiling because I think maybe I sound stupid, but Ben’s considering, his face serious.

‘My dad says that matters of the heart are always complicated.’ He looks at me. ‘I don’t have a whole lot of experience.’

‘Me neither. I mean, I’ve done stuff . . . but . . . I don’t think it was love. Not really.’

The red rises in Ben’s cheeks. ‘Are you . . . involved . . . with anyone now?’

I hold his gaze and shake my head.

Ben clears his throat, then changes the subject. ‘Is Kate okay? Do you know Oliver?’

‘He’s a good guy. You don’t have to worry.’

I get a lump in my throat because it hits me, the difference: Oliver and Kate, Stu and me. I feel like an idiot all over again. Why did I have to fall for him?

‘Did Kate tell you about Iceland?’ I ask.

‘Uh-huh. I think,’ Ben says slowly, ‘there’s some stuff about here that’s not so beautiful. Maybe everyone wants to put you in a box and stick a label on it.’

‘Imagine if we could just live how we wanted to live, without having to explain it or fit it to other people’s expectations.’

‘What would you do differently?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself all the time.’

‘You shouldn’t feel bad about yourself.’ Ben says. ‘You’re great.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I can just tell.’

How do you know if a boy likes you?

Maybe because they act interested in you. Or they ask you questions and when you answer they actually listen. Because they smile at you shyly and duck their head and there’s no edge in their voice. Ben’s looking at me like he’s just given something of himself away. He pulls the oars back and we move with a sudden surge. I close my eyes for a few seconds and feel the trees, the sky, the clouds – all of it gently waving us back to the bank.