11

Step 6: Call in
the Reinforcements

 

Mary Ann, who we met at the beginning of this book, came into the research meeting with an announcement. Like our other volunteers, she had been struggling with her weight for about as long as she could remember. And one of the things that especially stuck in her mind was her church’s bake sale, where volunteers made enough cakes, pies, cookies, and muffins to feed an army. Year after year she had helped out with the preparations and dutifully stored cases of butter—each weighing thirty-six pounds—in her refrigerator. One day, while lugging a case of butter out to her car and putting it in the trunk to bring to the church, it suddenly hit her: “This is exactly what I’ve been doing every day. Gaining weight is like carrying around a case of butter.” She had set her sights on losing it. So she planned out her menus, using the guidelines you’ll see in chapter 13. Week after week, she gradually lost weight. And on this particular day she said, “I got on the scale, and I want to let everybody know that I’ve now lost an entire case of butter.” The group burst into applause.

While many people find it tough to change eating habits, our volunteers are remarkably successful. One of the big reasons is that they have each other Mary Ann got the enthusiastic support of the whole team, and her success felt like a victory for everybody. In the beginning phase of a study we all get together every week, sit around a table, and talk through our successes and failures. We look at the odd events that have occurred over the past week. We take stock of things as they are, and discuss how we will make them better. Each participant supports each other like a lifeguard helping a struggling swimmer.

What is it about the company of other people that is so important? Well, for one thing, sometimes we turn to food when what we really need is personal contact. So a key part of changing food habits is to give yourself a bit of what you are really looking for. No, you don’t need a torrid affair to save you from chocolate. But the fact is, friendships, love, and even sexual attraction stimulate the same reward centers in the brain that addicting foods work on, as we saw in chapter 1. A personal connection is what your brain is looking for, whether it is a conversation, a friendly encounter, a romp with your dog, or simply being near someone else. When we’re alone, there’s no distraction from foods and no one to shore up our determination to succeed.

Your support network doesn’t have to be big or elaborate, but it can really help you keep your resolve. If you are looking for a little support, let me offer a few suggestions, both for your personal life and at work.

 

Support in Your Personal Life

 

Some people fill their dance cards, so to speak, by joining clubs or religious groups. Organizations centered on activities other than eating—music, languages, athletics, art, and so forth—can build your social network, along with some healthy habits. Some people enjoy cultural groups, such as the Alliance Française or a Jewish community center. If you’re a bit shy of such places, or worried about acceptance, you might do well with a class, or volunteer activity. Art galleries, libraries, nursing homes, animal shelters, and children’s hospitals will be thrilled to have your help. Vegetarian societies combine social interaction with a commitment to healthy eating habits and will give you plenty of healthy food ideas to boot.

The husband of one of our volunteers, Arthur, had a health problem of his own. He had gained a considerable amount of weight, which he blamed on snacking that kicked in more or less every day in the middle of the afternoon. It had started when he was working at a large accounting firm in Washington, D.C. Potato chips and soda were his big thing, but it might also be a hot dog, a pack of nuts, or some other not-especially-healthy food that he ate to get through his long working hours. After retiring, he improved his diet quite a bit, but still got the munchies every day around two or three o’clock.

 

Sometimes we turn to food, when what we really need is personal contact. So a key part of changing food habits is to give yourself a bit of what you are really looking for

 

What cured him was not just some good dietary advice, but also a volunteer job. He took a position in the bookstore of a local art gallery. For one thing, eating was off-limits at the gallery, so there was no temptation, and very soon he found that he had to eat a proper lunch in order to get through the afternoon. But he also made many new friends with a wide range of interests and got invitations to unusual events (most of which did not serve food). He enlarged his social circle with people who were very different from the accountants working at the high-stress firm he had left behind. His life was enriched with friendships and activities that made the pleasures of junk food pale by comparison.

Arthur had managed to schedule volunteer activities for what would otherwise be his prime eating times. Now, your problem may not be afternoon snacking; perhaps you need an evening aerobics class to get you out of the house and into a group of friends at just the time your refrigerator was planning to ring you up. If you’re uncomfortable at slick clubs where everyone seems to look amazingly fit in athletic clothes, you might feel more comfortable at a more down-to-earth YMCA, YWCA, or YM/YWHA. Women-only clubs are also available.

If overeating has become an issue for you, and you would like get together with other people coping with the same challenge, you may benefit from Overeaters Anonymous, a support group that meets in almost every city (call 1-505-891-2664, check your local white pages, or visit www.OvereatersAnonymous.org). Weight Watchers’ support groups have also been very helpful for many people (and, for best results, you’ll want to favor Weight Watcher’s vegetarian menus.) To find a meeting near you, visit www.WeightWatchers.com, or call 1-800-651-6000.

 

Enlisting the Support of Family and Friends

 

When Cecilia joined one of our research studies she knew she was in for some major diet changes, and she welcomed them. The study cut out meat, dairy products, eggs, and fried foods, with the goal of seeing how a drastic cut in fat intake would affect hormone balance. She had had menstrual problems for many years, and she aimed to fix up her diet in order to conquer them. Her one worry was her husband—she had no idea how he would react to her diet change. A diet would clearly be a good thing for him, too, since he needed to lose some weight—but would he give her a hard time? Would she end up having to cook two different dinners? Would he eat out at restaurants, and she’d never see him again?

It turned out that her worries were needless. Rather than resist the diet changes, her husband joined in. Together they made vegetable stews, spinach lasagne, bean chili, and many other foods that lightened the menu considerably. And, while her hormones came into much better balance—bringing marked reductions in PMS, menstrual pain, and other hormone-related symptoms—he lost a substantial amount of weight. Her mother then decided to change her diet, and she lost weight, too.

Not everyone has such a happy story. Ella, another young woman in this same study, found her husband totally resistant. He made fun of her new diet and made it all but impossible for her. After two weeks she quit.

When family members are supportive they can be a tremendous shot in the arm. But, when they give you a hard time they can really slow you down. So, let’s take a minute to understand their resistance and see our way around it.

When friends or family balk at your diet changes, it is usually either a sign that they are having trouble understanding the value of the changes you envision or that they fear that you’ll push them to make the same switch when they don’t feel the need for it.

They might subscribe to various nutritional myths that busily circulate in popular culture. For example, if you were going vegetarian and setting aside fatty foods, like french fries and chocolate bars, they might feel compelled to point out that they’ve heard that kids need lots of fat for brain development, that meat is the best source of protein, that a craving for chocolate is a sign of magnesium deficiency, or other common, but inaccurate, notions. Chapter 13 will help you deal with common nutrition questions. If you need additional nutritional details, you’ll find many more in my previous books and at the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine’s Web site, www.pcrm.org.

Don’t feel daunted when family members resist a diet change. It is natural—and even beneficial—to be a bit cautious about changing your diet. Jane Goodall observed that the chimpanzees in Tanzania are true dietary conservatives. They maintain their eating habits with the same rigidity you’d find in any human culture, and they try to enforce their normal eating patterns in their families—and for good reason. Sticking to the tried-and-true prevents poisonings that could occur from being overly adventurous. If a baby chimp picks up a berry or shoot that is not part of the eating habits of the group, a mother or sister is likely to flick it away. These eating patterns have evolved into fairly rigid traditions. At Gombe, where Goodall recorded most of her observations, chimps eat the fruit of the oil nut palm, while their cousins at nearby Mahale avoid it completely. Table manners hold constant in chimpanzee cultures, too. The Mahale chimps crack open the strychnos fruit with their teeth, while the Gombe chimps open it against a stone.

Many people, too, are naturally shy about new foods and new ways of eating, even though they may come to prefer them later. So, when your reluctant spouse balks at a new dish, it helps you to recognize that this is nature’s way of guarding against potential dangers. Just be glad you’re not trying to teach your poor family how to break open a strychnos fruit.

Having said that, it pays to help your family to move toward healthy eating habits. If you prepare your family’s meals, I would encourage you not to cook a healthy meal for yourself and a fatty, entirely unhealthy meal for your spouse or children, simply because they seem to demand these foods and you have not yet found the assertiveness to prepare healthy meals for everyone. If you’re in this situation, let me encourage you to seize control of the kitchen. Put orange traffic cones outside the kitchen door if you need to. You are the only person qualified to enter. You can’t control what anyone eats outside the house, but you can limit it there.

Several years ago, my mother had a high cholesterol level and decided to go vegetarian. Were she less assertive, she might have continued to cook meat for my father or visiting family members. But instead she made the healthiest possible foods for everyone—stews, soups, and casseroles that fit her diet and that others would like, too. Her decision to revamp the diet not only brought her cholesterol level down, it has been a boon to everyone’s health.

Sometimes unhealthy food habits persist in families because food is used as an awkward expression of caring. A neighbor of mine continually pushed food on her overweight teenage children, including foods they did not want and that she did not eat herself. For years, she felt that if she were anything less than a twenty-four-hour catering service she would not be conveying her love for them. Meanwhile, they felt that saying no would hurt Mom’s feelings. Finally, one of the children developed a fairly serious digestive problem and they were forced to find healthier ways to express their feelings.

People who encourage bad habits in others are sometimes called “enablers,” especially in the context of alcohol and drug abuse. The word applies just as well to those who bring home buckets of fried chicken and sausage pizza when you’re trying to leave those foods behind. If family members seem to be sabotaging you in this way, you’ll have to gently but firmly ask them to quit it. It is time to ask family members for help.

 

Asking for Help

 

To enlist the help of your family or friends, you might start by letting them know that you are reading this book. Point out parts of it that might interest them and let them know that you want to try the program I’ve recommended. Ideally, they will join you. The Kickstart Plan in chapter 14 lasts only three weeks, and your family is likely to benefit as much as you will. If they do not wish to try it with you, at the very least they must not get in your way. Ask them, politely but very clearly, not to offer you foods that you’re avoiding and not to make any comments that are not supportive, even in good humor.

If family members are being less than helpful, often the cure is simply to find the right words. Let them know that they are the most important people in your life and that their encouragement will mean a lot to you. That includes helping you to avoid temptation and not encouraging you to eat any foods you’re trying to set aside. You may be surprised how they will rally to support you, once asked.

It might help to reflect for a moment on what you can do for them. If one partner is trying to make a diet change and the other is trying to quit smoking, they can support each other by planning activities that distract them both.

One of our research volunteers asked for a doctor’s note—which sounded a bit odd at the time—but it actually worked wonders. If you’d like to do the same, just photocopy this note, and give it to anyone you need to:

 

__________________________________

From the Desk of Neal D. Barnard, M.D.

 

_____________________________________________ is making some dietary adjustments that are important for health. Starting a new way of eating can be difficult, and your support can make the difference between success and failure.

 

When people are trying to improve their diets, sometimes their companions, with the best of intentions, encourage them to have foods that are not on their regimen. Instead, you can help by taking the focus off food for the time being. This is a good time to be generally supportive and to avoid comments and jokes about food.

 

Thank you for your concern and participation.

 

Neal D. Barnard, M.D.

__________________________________

 

Support at Work

 

For some health-conscious people the office is a torture chamber. You’re minding your own business, while cookies, brownies, and candy parade by. “Hey! Have you tried one of these?” your coworkers say, shoving a muffin under your nose. Or, “I’m going out for a double-latté-mocha-chocolate espresso and a croissant. Want anything?” Noontime brings invitations to share greasy burgers or a cholesterol-laden business lunch, followed by more junk food in the afternoon.

If your coworkers are continually offering you food, ask them to leave you out of the cookie-and-cake culture. Don’t feel obliged to eat food out of politeness. The truth is, most people offering food really do not care if you eat it or not. They want to appear courteous, generous, or clever in the kitchen, or they might want to show they like you. So long as you tell them how wonderful they are and how appreciative you are, the food itself is irrelevant.

Be proactive. Bring your lunch, or plan in advance where you’ll eat, so you are not at the mercy of others’ suggestions. At an office party or potluck, you might want to bring some healthy items, or skip it for now.

Yvonne, one of our study participants, spoke of a friend who was always pushing food. The answer, she found, was not to confront her friend directly. Rather, she talked to him about another person they both knew “who is so helpful. He never pushes food and, in fact, tells me not to eat foods that are bad for me. That is just what I need.” She found that her friend dropped the food-pushing routine and joined in encouraging her to stick to her resolve. A touch of diplomacy helped everyone save face.

 

Party Platters and Other Torture Devices

 

Many people fear parties. Or, rather, they fear caterers who have perfected the art of seduction with one tray after another of painfully attractive foods. You may be reluctant to shun the spread for fear of offending your host. But if you give in to the Marquis de Sade Catering Company you’ll hate yourself in the morning. What to do? Here are some tricks for breaking party seductions:

 

Offer to bring a healthy dish

 

When I am invited to a party, I mention well in advance that I’ve changed my diet, and, to avoid giving the hosts any extra trouble, I offer to bring something, such as a bowl of cut exotic fruit, a low-fat guacamole with crackers, or some hummus (a Middle-Eastern chickpea pate that has become a popular party spread). The hosts invariably say, no, there will be plenty to eat. Whatever they were really thinking, at least they’ve gotten the idea that some guests will appreciate some lighter items, and it wasn’t sprung on them at the last minute.

 

Bring a healthy gift

 

I often arrive with a packaged food gift in the same way many guests bring a bottle of wine. It might be a couple of interesting dips (e.g., a ranch dressing made with low-fat tofu, instead of dairy-rich versions), some exotic bread, or a small fruit basket. Health food stores now have hundreds of attractively packaged products that are perfect gifts.

 

Don’t arrive hungry

 

Yvonne said, “I eat before going out with friends or to parties. If I’m not so hungry, it’s easier for me to decline those foods I shouldn’t eat at all.”

When overzealous hosts push exactly the wrong foods, you’ll find they will happily leave you alone if you already have something else in your hand. If you are mingling with guests, an appetizer plate filled with crudités or bread will help.

 

Repaying Their Kindness

 

Social support is a two-way street. Your family and friends can encourage you as you adopt a healthier diet, and, in turn, you will have a very positive effect on them. You will be a wonderful role model, showing the path to better health. You will know which recipes work and which do not, and which restaurant items really satisfy the taste buds. Chances are, you’ll have learned plenty about nutrition and health, and they can benefit from this knowledge, too. It is a wonderful thing to see families or groups of friends all getting healthy together, and that, I hope, is what is in store for you.