Paul is the kind of guy who would have been put on Ritalin® if he were in school today, filled with nervous energy that he pours out into everything he does, but that really does not describe what he’s like …
Let me put it this way, if Paul was a dog, he would be a border collie/Jack Russell cross, if you know what I mean? Not that I have anything against border collies or Jack Russells. In fact, as dogs go, border collies are way up there on my list of favourites. Jack Russells not so much, but let’s face it, even a border collie in a gym could be a problem.
A border collie does not know its limitations and will literally run itself to death chasing sheep if the shepherd doesn’t call it in. Border collies are well known to become obsessed with balls and sticks and sheep and … hang on, that’s an Australian. Well, the principle is the same; Paul was unleashed.
The morning after our lengthy lunch and dinner, he rushed off to the shops and bought a weight lifting magazine with a picture of the current Mister World on the cover. Still drunk from the night before, he gazed at pictures of men obsessed with building muscles that have muscles of their own, men with veins popping out of their skin, sporting smiles like constipation sufferers.
He carefully noted the amount of weight they had on the exercise equipment and made a list of all the supplements they were taking. That is, the supplements they could legally admit to in a magazine. He absorbed the statistics about body fat and muscle mass to power ratios, then flipped through an article on advanced abs training and thought he’d give it a go.
Fired up with enthusiasm, he dashed off to the sports shop and bought himself all the gear and the supplements he thought sounded the best. Then, protein shake in hand, he went off to the gym to try out the equipment and exercises mentioned in the mag. Did I mention that this was Paul’s first attempt at lifting weights?
The following morning he woke up and coughed, and pain ripped through his body. ‘It was like someone had stabbed me in the gut,’ he croaked. ‘Hell, just breathing in and out was excruciating.’
And apparently things did not improve when he tried to get out of bed. ‘There was no way I could sit up. You see, my body refused to obey any command that I gave,’ he simpered in a very shaky voice. ‘It was terrible!’ I swear his bottom lip had begun to tremble.
‘So I sort of rolled over and fell out of bed onto my hands and knees.’ The trembling lip evolved into a vocal and body shudder as he remembered the torment that followed.
‘Not a good idea I take it?’ I said trying to sound sympathetic.
‘No,’ he said softly, shaking his head and looking into the distance with a thousand-yard stare. ‘Imagine stubbing your toe really badly, I mean really badly. The kind of stubbed toe that brings tears to your eyes and takes your breath away.’ His eyes came back from that distant place and locked onto me. ‘Now imagine that every muscle in your body feels like that toe all at the same time.’
‘Painful?’
He just nodded. ‘I managed to get to my feet somehow, but I couldn’t really walk or lift my arms … or bend over or anything.’ Tears were pooling in his eyes as he recalled the horror. ‘If Mary hadn’t found me, got me back into bed and called the doctor I’d probably still be standing there.’
‘Well, you obviously overdid it,’ I said stating the obvious.
‘All I did was go to the gym and pick up weights for an hour,’ he sounded confused. ‘I mean, no pain no gain, is one thing, but after that I should look like Arnold what’s-his-face,’ he said and gave me a look as though it was my fault that he didn’t.
He spent the next three days in bed during which time his wife, Mary, returned the supplements and most of the gear. ‘Damn lucky he didn’t kill himself, the old fool.’
His doctor checked him out and gave his opinion, ‘Damn lucky you didn’t kill yourself, you old fool.’
And I handed him his gym programme to have a look at.
‘Is that all?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Hell, I did all that and more on my own the other day.’ Damn fool.
After two weeks, most of his stiffness had disappeared and a re-energised Paul was ready to start his programme. We had agreed that all of us LOFs would train at roughly the same time of the day in order for me to keep an eye on them, and we could help each other if necessary, but I realised that this would not work for Paul. Without one-on-one attention, border collie Paul would be piling on the weight if he saw someone lifting more than he was, or trying to outdo the world-class marathon runner on the treadmill next to his.
This meant that for at least the next two weeks I would have to train with him and that, on top of my own training schedule, was going to be painful.
If you know any LOFs like Paul, please refer them to the section (see page 90) that explains how they can work out their own individual weight maximums and minimums per exercise before they launch themselves into a gym. Speaking of which, Paul’s three-day programme is ideal for LOFs who are out of shape, but otherwise not too bad.
As with most programmes, the three-day programme divides the body into seven different muscle groups: Back – Shoulders – Chest – Legs – Biceps – Triceps – and Abs to be added later.
The three-day programme works two muscle groups a day:
Day 1: Back and Biceps
Day 2: Shoulders and Triceps
Day 3: Legs and Chest
This was ideal for Paul who would quickly become bored if he was to do Mick’s two-day programme, but would probably kill himself if he tried anything more ambitious. We worked out his starting weights and filled them into his programme, then let him loose.
Following, is the full layout of each day’s exercises including reps and sets and diet. Yes, diet you Old Fart, after all you are what you eat … as the actress said to the bishop.
DAY 1: BACK AND BICEPS
You can download this body programme from our website here
NB. This should be done in under an hour.
Check out the section (see page 90) on how to work out starting weights before you begin.
As you become stronger and fitter, add in an abs programme of two exercises per day. Most Old Farts have not done a sit-up for years so don’t expect miracles. Start with three or four in a set and slowly build up. You should be aiming to reach three sets x 40 reps – in a year or two.
After six weeks you might want to add in a 20-minute cardio session per day to finish off, if you have the time or the inclination.
DAY 2: SHOULDERS AND TRICEPS
You can download this body programme from our website here
NB. This should be done in under an hour.
Check out the section (see page 90) on how to work out starting weights before you begin.
Shoulders are easy to injure so go easy and don’t try to impress the boys. Gym is an activity you can carry on doing through retirement so don’t damage yourself by pretending to be 22 again. Listen to your joints and tendons.
Abs when fitter:
As in Day One, slowly build up the bridge to hold for one minute and the sit-ups to three sets of 40. Yes, I know, and no, I’m not joking. Some Old Farts simply do not want to do sit-ups or abs of any kind. If you are one of those, who’s going to know.
DAY 3: LEGS AND CHEST
You can download this body programme from our website here
NB. This should be done in under an hour.
Check out the section (see page 90) on how to work out starting weights before you begin.
A GRAND SET is three or more exercises done in rotation and a SUPER SET is two exercises done in rotation. This is the most demanding day of the programme, but hey, you’ve got the weekend to get over it. So get on with it.
Abs when fitter: once again start slowly, then build up to 20 reps per set.
Stretching and cardio will always be an essential part of all exercise programmes.
This programme should take you between 35 and 50 minutes per day, depending on your fitness level and how hard you push.
Taking a day off between sessions gives your body plenty of time to recover from training, so you can afford to give each session a full go. ‘Give it horns,’ as the bishop said to the actress.
Remember, it is during recovery time that your body will build muscle mass and increase bone density. So until you build up your strength, fitness and bone density, do not overdo it on your day off.
If you’re a Paul and simply have to do something, then a mild cardio exercise such as a brisk walk with the dog or 20 minutes on a bike should be more than enough.