Sometimes slow and steady is not enough. Jerry wanted something more extreme, which, in retrospect, is not all that surprising I suppose.
Dear old quiet, reserved, Jerry might not have moaned as loudly as Mick when the low-GI diet was adopted by the Fellowship (it sneaked in on a vote of three to two, and only after Mick had demanded a recount), but he hadn’t been chomping at the proverbial rice cake bit either. In fact he’d been quite vocal on the matter.
‘Oh crap,’ he’d said, slumping his shoulders and tapping his fingers on the table top in the most derisive manner possible. That’s vocal for Jerry.
What a difference three weeks in the gym and 3.5 kg off the gut can make.
Jerry became a converted, re-born health nut who had finally grasped the potential benefits to body, mind and soul that would surely come his way if he put in the effort. After only three weeks he was feeling stronger, his posture had improved, he was walking with a spring in his step, sleeping like a log and farting a lot less, much too his wife’s delight.
For him, changing over to the low-GI eating plan had been painless. In fact, he’d found the diet delightful and was frequently to be found in the kitchen creating new recipes, much to his wife’s surprise.
Three days a week in gym, with a brisk walk on the other days, was a breeze. His family was enjoying the walks and his dog had fallen in love with him all over again … something was not right.
‘If you can achieve all that in three weeks by following a low-GI diet and only spending three hours a week in the gym,’ reasoned his re-born sense of propriety, ‘imagine what you could achieve if you tried even harder and actually suffered?’
Religion has a lot to answer for, especially when people confuse fasting with diet … and exhaustion with exercise. Like all zealots, Jerry could not resist the call. It wasn’t vanity as much as potential that moved him. Who can resist that?
***
Two days after this revelation he overheard a conversation between two muscled and chiselled male models at the low row machine.
‘Howzit Joel, looking great, hey. Is that a new tat I see?’ said a mincing Brad (who’s real name is Albert).
‘Brad, my man … Ya, well, I felt the need for some new ink, know what I mean?’ replied Joel flexing his right arm triceps and making the new tat of a barbed wire vine come alive. ‘It’s come out lekker.’
‘No, it’s nice,’ said a slightly tweezer-lipped Joel, wondering how he could show off his own barbed wire vine tat that twined around a part of his anatomy he could not legally flash at gym. ‘So anyway lissssin … you know that bitch André from ‘Just So’ magazine?’ he asked in a rhetorical kind of a way.
‘That photographer queen with the amazing abs and the nose ring?’ asked Joel.
‘That’s the bitch,’ winced Brad, ‘I swear, he thinks he’s such a show boat, with his tribal tats and his nose ring and his amazing abs … I hate that slut.’
‘I know, me, too! The slut!’ hissed Brad. ‘Oh my God, you had a shoot with him yesterday, right?’
‘Right,’ from Joel.
‘… And?’ from Brad.
‘And,’ said Joel, ‘… anyway, there I am at the shoot standing around in my jocks looking amazing and doing my best to impress this dishy client when the slut arrives wearing a tank-top vest, cut off just under the nipples, flashing his abs for everyone to see, like he was the model or something. I mean, the client took one look at my abs and said to André, ‘Well, thank God it’s a jersey ad or we’d have to photoshop your abs onto old flubbergut here. I was like mortified, you know.’
‘Shame … so how does he get his abs to pop like that anyway, do you know?’ asked Brad, still flexing his triceps.
‘He says it’s diet,’ said Joel. ‘I mean, I asked him if he’s into hanging leg lifts or what, and the bitch says to me,“You get amazing abs in the kitchen, not the gym, stupid.”’
‘No!’
‘Yes. Apparently he’s on this low-fat, high-protein diet that’s cut him down to like five percent body fat, but it’s savage.’
‘Oh shit,’ said a disappointed Joel. ‘I was hoping it was some kind of drug we could get our hands on.’
The two of them catwalked their way off to the bicep curl machine, leaving a perplexed but intrigued Jerry alone at the low row.
***
Jerry did not want a new tat or a tank-top cut under the nipples, but he wanted to try this lowfat, high-protein diet for a few weeks to see what would happen. After all, if it could make two chiselled male models jealous of an ab-popping photographer, imagine what it could do for him, or so his re-born sense of propriety whispered. It continued, ‘Savage is what you need.’
‘You must have a low-fat, high-protein diet I can try while I’m on the five-day programme?’ pleaded Jerry.
I did, and he forced it out of me. I call it ‘The Show Boat’ because it’s all about appearance.
‘That’s the one,’ enthused the convert as he walked up the gang-plank and boarded. ‘The thin one with the gelled hair and the lip piercing even called the abs guy a show boat … it’s a sign!’ He would have made a great monk, especially in one of those silent orders.
It’s not an easy diet and can be boring (beyond belief) to follow, but if you can stay the course the results are incredible. This is my take on a well-known training diet designed to promote muscle development and reduce body fat. It is also the basic diet John was on, only with more carbs.
You could probably find a more comprehensive plan from a dietician, but I have personally been on this version a number of times when I’ve needed to lose weight rapidly for a production and it has worked for me and (apparently) some photographer named André.
So here it is, the ‘Show Boat’, my China.
To achieve the maximum fat-loss and muscle-building benefit possible from the Show Boat diet:
***
200 g oats (porridge) cooked in 1 cup of fat free milk and sweetened with a teaspoon of honey or fruit sugar
OR
200 g low-GI muesli served with 1 cup of fat-free milk (200 g is about a cup full)
OR
A 3-egg white (no yolk!) omelette with 150 g cooked salmon or trout
1 x 180 g can of tuna in water (drained) with 80 g cottage cheese
OR
1 x 180 g can of tuna in water (drained). Mix in 1 tablespoon of low-fat mayonnaise and serve with half a sliced tomato
OR
High-protein shake with water or fat-free milk as recommended on the label
Make a meal using one ingredient from each of the following categories:
1 Carbohydrate
160 g brown rice (about a handful)
OR
A baked potato (no bigger than your clenched fist)
OR
Any cooked yellow vegetable (e.g. butternut, squash, carrot, sweet potato, pumpkin) Served with:
Protein
180 g baked skinless chicken breast (or substitute with turkey breast, ostrich or Guinea fowl)
OR
180 g grilled extra-lean red meat (a good-sized hamburger patty)
Any fruit (e.g. 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 pear, a cup-full of grapes or a cup-full of strawberries)
Supper is any combination of a protein and a green vegetable or green salad, so:
Any green vegetable (including cauliflower, broccoli or Brussels sprouts)
OR
A mixed green salad made with lettuce, cucumber, celery, watercress, green pepper and raw broccoli (note, green salad does not include carrot or sweet corn)
Make a salad dressing with macadamia nut oil or double virgin olive oil and balsamic vinegar
Serve with
A 200 g baked or grilled portion of fish or chicken or extra-lean red meat (a portion is roughly the size of your open palm)
1 Fruit (see page 47 if you don’t know what a fruit is … I heard that Brad!)
OR
A handful or two of mixed nuts
OR
A high-protein shake with water or fat-free milk as directed on the label
And to finish …
Jerry was disappointed it wasn’t more monastic, especially when it came to Sunday.
***
Sunday is a day off the diet. Sunday is ‘eat whatever you like’ day. It only comes around once a week so use it well.
Initially, gorging on sweets, chocolates, pastries and pies will help to take the sting out of the rest of the week’s culinary disappointments and keep you on the diet. Believe me when I say you are going to want food like a junkie wants a fix. The Sunday roast will become a religious experience to be savoured and lingered over. You will find yourself dreaming of pizza and gravy and forbidden pleasures such as leg of lamb and … I’d better stop, I’m getting hungry.
The first time I was anchored to this diet was at the age of 44. Then, needing to lose 12 kg in eight weeks, my trainer said, ‘This is the diet to do it’, along with a six-day gym programme.
By Friday of Week One, I remember sitting on the toilet thinking, ‘This is either a bad case of constipation or I haven’t eaten enough food this entire week to build up one decent crap.’
Sunday is your fix day. Use it …
By the end of Week Three, your ability to gorge will be limited to fist-sized portions and by the end of Week Four even your gorging dreams will have reduced to a chicken leg and a roast potato.
By the end of six weeks I had lost 14 kg and looked like a township dog who dreamed of Sundays and whimpered at the sight of food.
And that’s the Show Boat.