Fitness for Old Farts

John would be on the treadmill pounding out the miles whenever I came to the gym.

Running had always been a form of meditation for him. Stride by stride he’d feel the worries of the world fade away as his mind focused on the steady rhythm of breath and harmony of motion.

The hypnotic effect of body and mind working in perfect balance stilled his thoughts and offered him the kind of solace he could find nowhere else. Unfortunately, in our modern world of outcome and result, even running needs a reason to make it an acceptable activity, and so competing in marathons had been the ‘rationale’, the end goal of all his training and dieting, the excuse he offered the world to explain the hours on the road.

But in reality it was about returning to that inner land of harmony and quiet, back to that place where only running could take him.

Life rarely leaves good enough alone. Have you noticed? The more marathons he competed in, the more they changed his focus until, without realising it, that joy and love of running became less important than the outcome of the race.

And so time passed and in a uniquely South African manner, John’s life imitated sport, with outcome and result holding a higher status than love and joy.

It happens to most of us as we grow up, I suppose. Life takes over and before you know it success is more important than friendship, and status has become a goal of its own with that car and this watch and those designer labels being the mile-markers we count off as measures of our importance.

John was that in spades, leaving ex-wives, ex-comrades and ex-competitors scattered detritus-like in his wake. It all changed at 50 when, to put it in running terms, John hit the wall. Well, no, he literally hit the wall at 85 km an hour driving home drunk after a business dinner. The Merc was a right-off, and John was to spend the next six weeks recovering from multiple broken bones, a broken back and a cracked skull.

‘Anything but a Merc and he would have been dead,’ opined Wife Number Five. ‘I’m telling you, I am absolutely devastated … I loved that car.’

After three days of blissful oblivion, John had found his way back from that dark road, opened his eyes and decided that this was the light he’d walk into.

‘No promises,’ said his specialist, ‘but I think the chances of you walking again are pretty good.’

And so began six weeks on his back, strapped, wrapped and body-cast into immobility with his view of the world reduced (in a sublime parody) to a rear view mirror fixed into the cast holding his head together.

Totally dependent on the kindness (and patience) of others, John’s only escape from the humiliating world of catheters, bowel movements and bed baths, was to look inward. How he wished that that view could be reduced, because the truth of what he had become shamed him into silence. He had become the kind of selfish prick that only producers and bureaucrats can aspire to be.

Six weeks is a long time to spend contemplating your navel and it forced a fundamental metamorphosis of the mind to take place in that cocoon-like body-cast.

John emerged a kinder, more patient man who had come to realise that life was not a sprint where the guy who dies first with the most stuff wins. The medals of love and friendship and joy once again held pride of place. He understood, that in them, lay true value.

Slow but steady progress on the walking front saw John graduate from Zimmer frame to walking sticks to the occasional hand on the elbow to set him right. After a full year of rehabilitation, John had clawed back 60% of his pre-crash test dummy movement.

‘That’s as good as it’s going to get,’ smiled his specialist physician, ‘so take it easy and count yourself lucky to be walking at all, old man.’

He did and decided to accept his limitation. The descent into FOF-ness had begun.

Five years later, surrounded by friends in deed, he was celebrating the life of Bill and wondering why friendship and love made time flash by so fast.

That night he dreamed of running and that memory touched his conscious mind, churning up old emotions and feelings. He yearned to visit the land of quiet harmony he’d left behind all those years ago and now, through gym, strength building and diet, he was back on the road pounding out the miles and loving every moment of it.

John finished his run and made his way over to the stretching mats set behind the rowing machines and facing onto the pool. It was now six weeks into Club Fitness for Old Farts’s commitment to gym, and four weeks since they had been forced onto the low-GI diet. All of us (even Mick) were looking leaner and stronger.

John’s high-protein diet and muscle-building weights programme had combined to rejuvenate both muscle and mind; his body looked vital. There was now a fullness to his limbs that age and accident had once stripped away.

He started his stretching routine, legs braced and dropping forward to hang, puppet loose with floppy arms dangling a good 30 cm above his once touchable toes.

‘Oh, well … never thought I’d get this far,’ he thought, marvelling at the childish joy he felt at being able to look at the upside down world between his legs at all.

‘You must be realistic,’ his specialist physician had said. ‘You’ll never run or dance the tango again, and considering the damage you’ve done to your back, you’ll be lucky to touch your knees, okay? Sixty percent mobility is more than I thought you’d have.’

He believed that for five years, but now six weeks at gym had clawed back another 20%. Knees be damned, he could reach mid-shin. His physician was stunned, and so was John.

Done correctly, diet, weights and cardio can lift you up and change your life for the better, no matter what level you’re at.

What follows is John’s six-day gym programme and his diet. To do this programme properly requires time in the gym. This is not a quick 35-minutes-and-I’m-out-of-here routine, but then again, if you have reached the point where you are seriously contemplating John’s programme, you already know this. It becomes a way of life.

For the Old Farts who are reading this with absolutely no intentions of getting off the couch, enjoy all that sweat you’ll never have to spill.

The six-day body programme

This programme is designed to build muscle and tendon strength. At the same time, it will shape that muscle and increase your overall fitness. Each exercise consists of five sets and progress from high reps and low weight to low reps and high weight in the following way:

Set 1: 15 reps using 60% of your maximum.

Rest for 20 seconds.

Set 2: 12 reps using 70% of your maximum.

Rest for 20 seconds.

Set 3: 10 reps using 80% of your maximum.

Rest for 20 seconds.

Set 4: 8 reps using 90% of your maximum.

Rest for 20 seconds.

Set 5: 2 reps at 100%+ of your maximum (this is a wish-for, don’t-hurt-yourself, but aim high set to be added when you are strong enough).

Sip water and rest for at least 60 seconds before beginning the next exercise.

Your maximum is the highest weight you can push/pull/lift/squat for one rep before failing. This is a task you will have to perform for each exercise in the programme.

Take a day at the gym to set your weights, then write them down in the appropriate column next to that exercise. I suggest you use the layout in this book, take copies of the appropriate programme schedules and paste them into your daily exercise book. Every time you complete a set, tick it off in your book and record how you did. I use a simple shorthand, the words ‘strong’, ‘good’ and ‘weak’ describe how I managed and a ‘S’ or ‘G’ or ‘W’ next to a set will remind me how I did when I get to that set the following week.

It’s amazing how motivating the recording of every exercise and progress in your programme book can be. In some ways, your book becomes your training partner and pushes you through the tough days.

As you become stronger, that maximum weight will increase. After four weeks, the initial weight you loaded for the two reps at 100%+ maximum, should be easily managed as your 90% maximum set.

Check your maximum every four weeks and adjust your weights accordingly.

THE 6-DAY BODY PROGRAMME

This programme, in conjunction with a low-carb diet, will give you incredible results over a twelve-week period. To maintain the progress you have made, step back to Jerry’s programme and go onto the permanent low-GI diet. By the by, to all who are tempted to join the Fellowship, it is a good idea to change up your training programme every so often to challenge your muscles and build your overall fitness.

But what do you do when your body begins to let you down and gravity has finally won the battle of the bulge and the jowl? Is a midlife crisis unavoidable? Can you accept growing old gracefully … and what the hell does that even mean?