‘At night it crawls right into the back of your nose where it makes a nest and lays thousands of eggs,’ said Vivien.
‘Yuck,’ I said.
‘Outstanding,’ said Hils.
Sorry. Wait a minute.
I should tell you what is happening.
Sorry again. Wait a minute. Again.
Hello.
I should tell you what is happening.
It is morning.
I am at school.
I am sitting in class.
I am talking with my best friend Hils and my new friend Vivien.
I’m me. Charlie Ian Duncan.
Three Things You Should Probably Know About Me (Charlie Ian Duncan)
• I am a digital orphan. (That means that my parents spend so much time on their iPhones they have forgotten I exist.)
• Last year I made a granny explode.
• I never want anything to crawl right into the back of my nose, make a nest and lay thousands of eggs.
‘My best friend Hils’ is my best friend Hils.
Three Things You Should Probably Know About My Best Friend Hils
• Hils says ‘negative’ instead of ‘no’ and ‘affirmative’ instead of ‘yes’ because that is what they say in the army. Hils really wants to join the army. She acts like she is already in the army.
• Hils lives in a caravan on the front lawn of her mum’s house. Last year Hils built a flamethrower and accidentally set fire to the toilet. The next day Hils’s mum bought a caravan and told Hils to go and live in it.
• Secretly Hils would like it if something crawled right into the back of my nose, made a nest and laid thousands of eggs.
‘My new friend Vivien’ is my new friend Vivien.
Three Things You Should Probably Know About My New Friend Vivien
• She moved here two months ago from South Korea.
• She knows a lot about insects.
• A lot of the insects she knows a lot about spend a lot of their time crawling right into the backs of people’s noses, making nests and laying thousands of eggs.
Sorry. Again again.
Wait a minute. Again again.
You probably need to know one more thing.