Last year – not long after we had won the war against the grannies – Hils came to visit.
Hils never comes to just ‘visit’.
‘You never come to just visit,’ I said to Hils as she walked in.
‘Let’s start upstairs,’ she said.
‘Let’s start what upstairs?’
‘Your house is not secure,’ said Hils as she walked to the top of the stairs. ‘If our recent conflict with the grannies has taught us anything, it is that we must be more security-conscious.’
Hils pointed up at the skylight.
‘Right there you should have an “Arr-arr-grr-owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ooo-ooo-pooouuuuuuurrrrrr!”’
‘A what? Where?’ I said.
Hils was already downstairs looking out at the alcove where the gas meter is.
‘Here you’ll need a “No-no-no-fff-ff-ahhhhhh-hhhhhh-aaarrrrr-fuuuuuufff!”’
‘Hils, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.’
She’d moved again.
‘These two doors leading out to the patio present a major risk of incursion.’ (Army-talk = burglary.) ‘I would suggest a “Please-no-aaaiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeee-eeeee-ee-e-grrroooggggg!”’
I had decided to stop asking what Hils was going on about. She would tell me when she was ready.
I caught up with Hils. She was standing back by the front door.
‘Hmmmm,’ she said. ‘Here I think you will definitely need something very strong and simple, probably an “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhh-no-no-not-again-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”’
‘Hils, what are you talking about?’
‘Booby traps,’ said Hils. ‘I think you need to fit all the entrances to your house with booby traps. I have been developing a new range of booby traps. Each booby trap is named after what an enemy will yell out when they are caught in the booby trap.’
‘They all sound very horrible and painful.’
‘Affirmative.’
‘How much will they cost?’
‘Peace of mind doesn’t come cheap,’ said Hils.
‘Does that mean your new booby traps cost a lot of money?’
‘Affirmative.’
I did not have a lot of money.
I did not get the booby traps installed.
Now I was being burglarised by a walking-mountain-man.
A walking-mountain-man who had THREATENED TO RIP OFF ONE OF MY ARMS AND USE IT TO POUND MY BRAIN INTO HUMMUS.