60

THE ANSWERS

‘There are billions and billions of insects – and frogs – on Earth,’ said the conductor. ‘Almost all of them make sounds. Some of them can make music. A very small percentage of them can be trained to perform music. Oswald Orchestra – his name really was Oswald Orchestra – started this orchestra sixty years ago as a way of making sure that musically talented insects and frogs were given a chance to perform music and have people enjoy it.

‘For a while Oswald Orchestra’s Insect Orchestra was the most popular orchestra in the land. Perhaps even in the world. People would come from everywhere to hear them. They made records, got played on the radio and even performed for kings and queens.

‘But tastes change. Audiences started to find the music too odd. Too difficult to listen to and impossible to dance to. People stopped coming to see the orchestra. Their records stopped selling. The radio didn’t play them. Kings and queens were no longer interested.

‘By now Oswald’s son – Orson Orchestra – had taken over the orchestra. He kept it going even though audiences were becoming smaller and smaller.

‘Orson had no children. Several years ago, as he lay dying, he asked me to take over. I was honoured. I swore to him I would do my best to make Oswald Orchestra’s Insect Orchestra popular again. To make this music loved once more.’

‘Would it help,’ I said, ‘if you had some singers?’

‘That would change everything,’ said the conductor. ‘Oswald and Orson always dreamt of finding an insect that could sing. Neither of them ever did.’

‘Great,’ I said. ‘Because, as it happens, I know three singing cockroaches who need somewhere to live.’

As a child, Oswald Orchestra was only interested in two things: insects and playing the trombone. Unfortunately he was an awful trombone player. So awful that he wasn’t allowed to practise in the house. He had to practise in the dark, damp washing house (‘washing house’ is an old-fashioned word for the laundry) tucked down the back of his family’s overgrown garden.

One Saturday afternoon Oswald leant his trombone against the wall while he took a break from practising. He was having a drink of water when sounds started to come from his trombone. Amazing sounds. Beautiful sounds. Strange sounds.

Oswald looked into his trombone and there he saw a large cicada. This cicada was rubbing its legs together like normal cicadas do, however, the noise this cicada was making was not like normal cicada noise. Not at all.

Oswald had an idea.

He put the cicada in a jar and took him into his room. He found a long, thin stick, put a record on and started conducting the cicada.

After a few minutes the cicada got the idea and started playing along with the music.

Oswald couldn’t believe it.

He wondered if there might be more insects like this cicada. More insects he could catch, who could be taught to play along with real music.

The young Oswald Orchestra became obsessed with catching insects. (His parents were very pleased as it meant he stopped practising the trombone.) After two years he had found thirteen insects who were able to play along to records.

Oswald Orchestra’s Insect Orchestra was born.

The orchestra’s first ever performance was at Oswald’s school talent show. The orchestra was a hit. (Oswald didn’t win the talent show. The winner was Olive Scunthorpe, who could move her pigtails up and down without using her hands.)

As soon as Oswald turned eighteen he packed up his orchestra and headed overseas to find fame, fortune and more musicians for his orchestra.

The orchestra grew and grew, as did Oswald’s celebrity and wealth.

Soon, Oswald Orchestra’s Insect Orchestra was the most famous orchestra in the world.

Unfortunately, at the height of his fame Oswald died suddenly. He was riding along on his bike when a fly flew into his mouth and he choked.