I jump back through the window and sprint all the way over to the front door. Even though I’m scared they’ll see me, I open it and look out. There’s only one gap left in the fence. It’s at the bottom of the steps, just in front of the spot where Ma usually begs.
Traffic is crawling by and there are Yellow Jackets scurrying past the gap. I hide behind the boards and take a few deep breaths.
I stick my head out through the opening. I see a few people but none of them are Ma. Then a man in a yellow jacket comes towards me and I dart behind the boards again.
She’s coming back. She has to be.
I hear Caretaker’s voice. It’s up to you now.
And that feeling comes again. The feeling that there’s something I should be worried about and I don’t know what it is.
Except suddenly I do.
The thing that’s been annoying me all this time. It’s that I don’t remember how we got here.
I mean, I remember that night in the alley. I remember I ran and hid in the next doorway when the Yellow Jackets came. I stood as straight as I could and tried to stay invisible. And they never found me.
But I don’t remember how we got here. To the Castle.
I remember them lifting something up onto that tray. It took two men to carry it between them. I know there was a blanket on the tray. But it wasn’t a blanket, not like Caretaker’s. It was a black rubber sheet. And there was something else. A hand. There was a hand sticking out of the rubber sheet.
But then Ma pushed through the blue and the yellow. She found me. And we walked away from the lights. Into the darkness. We were invisible again.
And when we were far away from that alley, she knelt down in front of me and held my hand, and said, ‘I’m so sorry. I woke up and you weren’t there. I went to find you. But I shouldn’t have. I should’ve stayed and waited for you.’
I told her it was all right cos she came back.
She was crying then, and she said in this shaking voice, ‘We’ll go find that Castle then, yeah?’
And I said, ‘Yeah. One with a moat and a drawbridge and a secret escape route.’
‘Just you and me,’ she said.
I remember all that. But I don’t remember how we got here.
And now I see Ma’s face again. That night. But this time it’s different. It’s flashing blue in the light from the van. And it’s crushed. Crumpled. She’s crying.
And I remember something else. I remember being lifted. The van doors were closing. The blue lights were fading as the gap got smaller and smaller till there was nothing left. Nothing and no one. Just me and the darkness.
I was in that van.
I open my eyes. People are walking past the gap in the fence. They glance at the mill as they pass. They don’t see me.
I lift my hand. Stick it out of the gap. A woman walks past. She must think it’s weird, this hand sticking out of the gap. But she doesn’t notice it.
‘I was in that van,’ I whisper.
Ma couldn’t have walked away with me cos there were too many Yellow Jackets. And they put a rubber blanket over me. They lifted me up. They put me in the van and took me with them.
I was on the tray. It was me.
I know it’s true. Cos I’ve always known it. Somewhere inside, I knew.
I take a deep breath. I drop my hand. I turn round and see the stones of the mill. I look up at the Silo roof and imagine I can see me looking back down.
It’s just a story, the Castle. A fairy tale.
I turn back. Look out of the gap. And I see her. Ma. She’s coming back.
Her hair is wild and she’s flying towards me and she looks just like she did in the alleyway that night. Wrecked. Scared. And sorry.
‘You came back,’ I say before she reaches me.
She stops. She’s out of breath but she looks real happy that she made it back just in the nick of time. ‘I’m sorry, love,’ she says. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She kneels down in front of me and she smiles. Her hand stretches out. She’s reaching for me. To hold my hand. To take me with her. ‘Come on, love, we have to go.’
I kneel down too. But I don’t take her hand.
‘Where?’ I ask.
And I know what she’s going to say cos I’ve heard the words before. Cos this has all happened before.
‘Anywhere you want, love. Anywhere. I promise.’
I feel a hole open up inside me. ‘A castle?’ I say.
‘Yeah.’
‘Just the two of us?’ I say.
‘Yeah.’
I nod. ‘You came back, Ma.’
‘’Course, ye eejit. I’d never leave you.’
And the hole inside me aches cos I know it’s true. ‘You came back, Ma. I know ye did.’ I pause till I’m sure she’s listening. ‘I saw ye. That night in the alleyway.’
Ma’s smile melts away. ‘No,’ she whispers.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
Ma’s eyes are going all deep. And I know what it means. But this time I can’t let her drown.
‘I left you that night,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t supposed to. But I went to look for food. And you woke up. And I wasn’t there. So you went looking for me. But you couldn’t find me. Then you came back.’
She nods. ‘I came back.’
‘I know. But it was too late, Ma. I was already gone.’
Two Yellow Jackets come up to the gap in the fence. They’re holding a board. The last board to finish the fence. They see Ma. But they don’t see me. ‘Ah here, come on! It’s time to go,’ one of them shouts. ‘Bloody squatter.’ He shakes his head. But the men drop the board and leave.
Ma doesn’t even notice them. She’s staring at me like she wants me to make it all better. So I say, ‘You’re not stuck here cos of the Authorities, Ma. The Authorities aren’t even after us. You’re stuck here cos of that night.’
Ma shakes her head. She covers her mouth with her hand. She’s going to cry.
‘But you kept your promise,’ I say. ‘You found us a castle. And it was good, Ma. It was.’
Ma nods.
‘It just got bad cos we got stuck here. That’s all,’ I say. ‘Now it’s time to go.’
She looks up at the mill and shakes her head. ‘No. I can’t. I won’t leave you.’
‘You have to leave, Ma. I’ll leave too.’ I say.
‘You’ll come with me?’
I look at the ground for a bit. I roll some grit under my fingers. ‘You know what, Ma? Every castle has a secret escape route.’
When I look up, Ma’s face has gone all soft. Like Gran’s mushroom face.
‘Yeah?’ she says.
‘Yeah,’ I say and I point to the gap. Ma turns and looks at the traffic passing by.
‘Not much of a secret, love,’ Ma says.
‘Nah, that’s not it. The secret escape route’s not a place. It’s a way.’
Ma crawls forwards a bit so she’s closer to me.
‘What is it? What’s the secret?’
I smile. And she smiles back. And it’s a real smile.
‘Together. That’s the secret way out, Ma. We have to leave together.’
Ma takes one of those breaths that makes her whole body shake.
‘Please, Ma? Will you leave with me?’
Ma shakes her head.
‘You said it was time to move on, Ma. You were right. But we can still leave together, can’t we?’
She rubs her face with the palms of her hands. She takes a few shuddery breaths. Then she drops her arms.
‘Where will you go?’
I look up at the sky. There’s a break in the clouds. The sun’s rays fan through. It looks like the fingers of a giant searching for souls, to take them out of this world.
‘A castle. With halls and secret tunnels and a massive garden. And rooms that have real curtains that hang all the way to the floor, and duvet covers that match. I’ll keep a room for you, Ma. Beside mine and Rose’s.’
Her eyebrows arch in a big question mark.
‘She’s Caretaker’s girl. She likes castles too,’ I say.
Ma smiles but she doesn’t ask. And I don’t tell. We both just sit there for a while and look at each other till I say, ‘You got to do it, Ma. Not me.’
She grabs me and hugs me real tight. ‘I miss you,’ she says. ‘I miss you so bloody much. And I love you. I’ll never, ever stop missing you and I’ll never, ever stop loving you.’
‘I know,’ I say.
Her tears are warm on my neck. I push her away and make her look at me.
‘One thing, Ma. You have to promise me something first.’
‘Anything, love.’
There’s something different about her. She looks wrecked but her eyes, they’re not drowning.
I know she’s ready. So am I.
‘You have to forgive her.’
‘Who?’
‘Gran.’
‘What are you talking about?’ she says.
‘Sometimes you look at me with the same look Gran had the day we left. You have to forgive her.’
‘But—’
‘Don’t you miss her?’
I’ve never asked her what happened with Gran. I think that’s why she doesn’t know what to say right now. She’s staring at me. But this time I stare right back. I don’t blink and I don’t look away. I don’t ask her neither. Cos it doesn’t matter now.
Ma looks down the street. In the direction that the school girls walk.
She nods. It’s only a tiny nod. But it’s a nod.
‘Nothing’s unforgivable, Ma.’
She bites her lip. A tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes it away. But more come.
‘Promise me you’ll go back to Gran’s. That you’ll get better. That you won’t drown.’
Ma closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath. Then another. Then opens them and she nods again.
‘Say it, Ma.’
‘I promise.’
‘Promise you promise?’
‘Yeah, love. I do.’
And we both stay there for a while till I say, ‘Look at the state of ye,’ cos her face is all wet and runny.
Then she does this real goofy smile and she flicks her hair like she’s pretending she looks gorgeous. I laugh.
‘Nothing a few home-cooked meals can’t fix,’ she says. She takes my hand. This time I let her.
‘And a hairbrush,’ I say.
‘And maybe some make-up,’ she adds.
Ma stands and pulls me up. We look at the Castle.
‘It was a poxy hole, in fairness,’ she says.
‘Nah,’ I say. ‘It was deadly.’
Ma smiles at me. She leans forwards till her forehead is touching mine. She holds it there a long time. Then she whispers, ‘Ready?’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘You?’
‘Yeah,’ she says.
‘Sure?’
‘Sure I’m sure.’
She takes her head away and kisses my forehead. She’s still holding my hand when she turns. She steps through the gap of the fence. Then she looks at me and smiles.
She squeezes my hand real tight. I squeeze back.
And then I let go.
If anyone is watching, they might see a girl step out of the shadow of the mill, just as the Yellow Jackets close in. They’d see her leave behind the broken windows and weeds that grow in between the big stones. They’d see her step away from a Castle that’s about to crumble and tumble into the canal and disappear like the memories of a ghost.
If anyone is watching, they’d see a girl take a deep breath and a step and then another, out of the gap in the fence and into the light and the noise and the traffic and the people.
If anyone is watching, they’d see. But no one sees me. I’m invisible.