She heard him roll into the room but didn’t acknowledge his approach. He’d been in a couple times and thought she was sleeping. He’d even taken Bitsy out without her asking. She should stretch out, curled up like this she was going to cramp if she didn’t move soon.

“Babe? Did you want me to make you something for dinner? You missed lunch you were so sacked out.”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“What would you like me to do?”

“I don’t know. Scream and yell maybe. Get angry. You’re so quiet and so—I just wish there was something I could do.”

“There isn’t. There isn’t anything anyone can do.”

“Hon…”

“I just want to be alone right now. If you want me to sleep in the guest room that’s fine. Actually maybe I should...”

“Oh no you don’t. I want you here. If you really feel like you need that kind of space then we can talk about it.”

“Whatever. I’ll just stay here then.” She felt like she was swimming through quicksand. It was too much effort to even talk.

“I’ll bring you in some soup or something. Here, let me tuck you in.” He pulled the covers over her and she closed her eyes trying to shut out the little voice in her head telling things were always going to go wrong. She just wished she could push the darkness away but it was pointless and it just covered her until there wasn’t any light.

Jameson came back a little while later with some food. He tried to get her to eat but she felt sick to her stomach and wasn’t hungry to begin with.

“Come with me to walk the beast. He misses you.”

“I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“I know. He misses playing with you and snuggling.” The dog whined on cue.

“Jameson, I’m really just not up to it.”

She could see he wanted to say something but the words didn’t leave his tongue. “Maybe tomorrow? What time did you want to leave here?”

Oh God. She didn’t know if she could face the whole crew. “I think maybe I’m coming down with something, maybe I should stay home. I wouldn’t want to get everyone sick.”

“Babe, is all of this because of Mr. Lombardi dying?”

“Maybe.”

“Is something else going on?”

“No.”

“You said yourself the guy was in his eighties. It is a shame but we all have to go sometime.”

“But not like that.”

“I guess but it sounded like he lived the way he wanted. Better to go like that than some disease that wastes you away to nothing.” Did he realize his words brought back images of her mother at the end? She had been nothing but skin and bones. What kind of daughter did it make her that she prayed her mother would go in her sleep. Just to end her suffering. Candy’s stomach cramped and she thought she might be sick.

“Jameson, I just want to go back to sleep.” Deep dreamless sleep that blotted out all the pain and loss.

“I understand.” It was obvious from his face he didn’t.

“Let me just take the little guy out and then I’ll be back.”

Ugh. Maybe she should go sleep in the guest room, or just go back to her place. How could she explain it to him? It was all such a waste of time and energy. And there wasn’t anything anyone could do to change it. She closed her eyes for what felt like a minute but Jameson was already back.

“Want to snuggle with the little guy before I put him in his crate?” She managed to reach a hand out and ruffle the dog’s fur then she tucked her arms around her and curled tighter into a ball.

“That’s it?” She didn’t bother answering, what was the point.

Once the dog was squared away he got undressed and got into bed. When he reached for her she cringed.

“What the hell? Are you afraid of me?”

“No. Nothing like that. I just don’t feel like, like having sex.”

“Fine.”

“Now you’re disappointed.”

“Hell yes. There isn’t anything I like more than being intimate with you but I get it and it’s fine. There will be other nights but for now can I at least hold you?”

“I ache all over. I think I’m just going to roll over and go to sleep.”

“Candy... Never mind. Are you going to be able to make it in to work tomorrow?”

“I don’t—there isn’t anything important I needed to do. You might need to sign a few things that’s all.”

“I’m not worried about what I’ll have to do. I’m worried about you. You said when you’re nervous you bake but today you’ve been in bed all day. It can’t be good for you.”

“Now you’re an expert on me?”

“No, it’s just, never mind. We’ll see how you feel tomorrow.”

“Night Jameson.”

“Night.” The man sucked at hiding his frustration.

“Do you want me to sleep in the other room?”

“No, just go to sleep.”

“I’m not sleepy now, I’ll just go out to the couch and read.”

“Are you trying to get away from me?”

“No, this isn’t about you.”

“Are you sure? I mean, let’s face it the odds of my doing something to make you mad are pretty high.” He was teasing her and she managed a smile.

“No, you didn’t do anything, I promise.” She kissed him which seemed to help her case.

She dragged herself out to the couch and tried to read but the book just didn’t hold her interest. It had seemed good the other day but now she couldn’t concentrate on it. Jameson didn’t have a quilt or anything to curl up with on his couch, maybe she should go back to her place. She just wanted her familiar things around her. She spent hours staring out the window into the night. With the lights from the city here you couldn’t even see the stars. Though stars made her think of heaven.

“Find a place for Mr. Lombardi to garden up there, Mom.”

Thinking of the sweet old man getting to do the thing he loved made her feel a little better. Not enough to lift her blues but at least enough she didn’t feel like crying again. Jameson hadn’t been anything but good to her so why did she want to avoid him and yet at the same time she just wanted to be held. Have him tell her that everything would be okay and believe it. She hurt all over. She’d been a fool to think she was in any shape to have a relationship. It had been amazing but she’d known all along it couldn’t last.

The light made her head ache. She couldn’t have slept more than an hour. Hearing Jameson starting his morning made her close her eyes tight. Despite how soundlessly he rolled out, she could still hear him approach. Maybe it was more that she smelled him, that comforting scent of soap and man. It helped but it didn’t make the panic that now lived in her chest ease. All night the fog inside her had gotten thicker, blacker until it was all consuming. Now her limbs felt like lead filled sponges. She didn’t think she could move if she tried and she had no desire to try. What would be the point?

“Candy? Hon, time to get up.” She opened her eyes and grimaced. Damn light.

“I didn’t really sleep.”

“You should have come back to bed, we could have stayed awake together. You staying here then?” She managed a nod. She shouldn’t be surprised at the look of disappointment on his face but it hurt none the less. There wasn’t any way a guy like Jameson would understand how powerless she felt against the things going on in her neighborhood or in her own head. The man was all about charging forward, letting nothing dissuade him from his goal. Right now getting off the couch seemed too lofty a goal for her.

“You know what? I think I’ll play hooky too.”

“You don’t have to stay with me. I’ll be fine. I’m not up to doing anything fun, actually doing anything at all.”

“Candy, I know it probably isn’t any of my business but when did you see your therapist last?”

“Maybe a month, no wait, longer. We decided I was doing well enough to only see her when I needed to.”

“I want you to call her. See if you can get in today and I’ll take you if you want.”

“I’m fine.”

“Babe, no offense but I don’t think you are qualified to make that call right now.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.” Why wouldn’t he just leave her alone?

“No, what you need is a friend, actually no, what you need is a damn battle buddy.”

“I don’t think I’m going to war anytime soon.”

“Sweetheart, you are already locked and loaded.” He got in her face. “I’m a goddamned Marine, doll, we don’t leave anybody behind.” He took her hand so gently in contrast to the words coming from his mouth. He started massaging her hand with both of his. “Babe, I know how tough you are, but I’ve lost tougher guys than you and I know the signs.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your depression. You are having a flare up or whatever the hell the shrinks call it. I want you to see someone, soon, get your meds right if they think that will help, talk you through the rest if that helps. Whatever you need.”

“What if what I need right now is to be left alone?”

“I don’t think that is a good idea.”

“It’s my life.”

“True. But you don’t get to do something stupid on my watch.”

“Now I’m stupid?”

“That isn’t what I said.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can take care of myself, thanks.” At least she was angry enough to get off the couch now. “I didn’t ask you to get involved.”

“No, you didn’t. You’re right I should just keep my mouth shut.” He pulled away from her then. She couldn’t really blame him, but again, it hurt. “Are you really going to stay home?”

“Sure. I’ve got stuff I can do here. Maybe if you feel better later we can go to lunch or something? I’m going to go to the gym, you want to come?” Her mouth was hanging open. Seriously she could barely manage to move and he thought the gym would be a good idea? He was nuts.

“I’m not the gym type on the best of days.”

“Oh, I didn’t think you were going to work out. I just wanted you to ogle me while I did.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re the most arrogant man on the planet?” He grinned like a kid.

“Nope, they’re too busy thinking how amazing I am.” Then he flexed and kissed his bicep. He was incredible. Oh God, now he had her doing it!

“Oh shut up.” There was no real venom behind her words and he didn’t really act like she had meant it anyway. “I’m going to scramble some eggs, you want any?”

“I can do that.”

“I’m up now, may as well make myself useful.” Maybe if she could keep moving she could stop feeling like the world was ending. People die every day. But not ones she knew. She could try pretending to be normal. It was the only way to hang on to someone as alive as Jameson.