Amelia
THE FIRST day of school sucked for most people I knew, and generally I was one of them. I used to hate it. The summer ended and along with it my freedom as I was forced to go back and be around a bunch of people I didn’t like in order to get through this thing called high school so I could start my life. The only good thing about it was that my best friend, Raine, would be there. Her excitement was a little infectious.
But this wasn’t just any first day of the school year. It was the beginning of our senior year, the last year I’d have to deal with all the irritating people, the last year of dealing with fake popularity, the last year I’d have to spend in the stuffy halls of Dove Valley High School. I was so ready to be done. Who knows what I’d do after this, but I was looking forward to finding out. I was ready for a change, and this was going to be it.
The only bright spot in this whole high school existence had been Raine. She was more than my best friend, she was my confidant, and the girl I’d had a crush on since meeting her when I was twelve when we were forced to be partners in science class. She’d been focused on cell division. I’d been focused on her. I hadn’t been able to stop looking at her. She’d been so beautiful, and over the years had only gotten more so. She was way prettier than me, and the cool thing was she didn’t even know it.
My routine for the past three years was simple ever since I’d made the cheerleading squad. I showered, got dressed, put on a little makeup, and then went down to the kitchen to weigh myself: 102 pounds. Shit. I’d gained 1.2 pounds. And, of course, there was no fudging since the scale sent the results straight to an app on my mom’s phone. She was so skinny and perfect. There was no way I was going to get away with this.
She looked up from her coffee at the sound of the beep that notified her of my new weight, checked her phone, and then she gave me the look. I’d seen that look off and on since I was fourteen, but it was much worse after I became a cheerleader. It was like I was disappointing her in ways I couldn’t understand. There were times I wondered if she had ever been a teenager. It was a tough life.
“Amelia,” she began as her red lips turned into a deep frown. “You know we need to work on that, don’t you? I shouldn’t have to repeat myself so often with you. You’re almost a grown woman now. We need to start acting like it more often. As you age your looks will become more and more important, and we need to get a handle on that little issue now before you balloon out of control.”
By we, what she really meant was, I needed to work on my weight. I couldn’t be a cheerleader, couldn’t be at the top of the pyramid, and couldn’t get ahead in life if I was going to be gaining weight like donuts were going out of fashion.
“I know,” I mumbled, wishing I could disappear under the table.
She nodded. “Good. Go upstairs. We’ll do a recheck before you go to school.”
A recheck meant that I wouldn’t have time for breakfast, not that I could afford the calories anyway. I went back upstairs to my bathroom and into my linen closet. There, I had a bottle of stool softeners and a bottle of ipecac. At least the ipecac worked quickly as I took some of the syrup and, a few minutes later, bent over my toilet throwing up anything I had left in my stomach. There wasn’t much since I’d done the exact same thing the night before.
When I was done, I wiped away tears with shaking hands, my eyes watering enough to blur my vision. I downed more of the stool softener than the bottle said to take and drank enough water to ward off the cramps that would come with using them. I checked my phone and definitely didn’t have time for breakfast, but I did have just enough time to brush my teeth, wash my face, and go back downstairs for my recheck.
I was down to 99.7 pounds. I passed. I got a hug from my mom for a job well done. She also handed me a bag of baby carrots for lunch and anytime I was hungry during the rest of the day. “See you after practice,” I called as I headed out the door.
“You look so skinny and beautiful! Go knock ’em dead!” she said before blowing me a kiss.
I left the house with my stomach feeling reassuringly tight. I ignored the inconvenient hunger pangs. I had my water bottle in my backpack so I’d be able to make it through until lunch, and I could eat a carrot or two between classes if I needed to. Plus, I had gum. That always helped. By lunch, maybe I wouldn’t even be hungry anymore. Maybe if I was able to get through the day, I’d be solidly under 100 pounds again and not teetering on it like I was now. Then I could probably have an orange or an apple or something for breakfast tomorrow without it possibly being an issue. I often wondered why my weight, and inversely my popularity, was such a big problem for Mom. She was successful in her online job. Why couldn’t she be happy with her life and let me find my own way? I doubted I’d ever figure her out.
I had about a mile to walk to school. I could have gotten a ride. My mom worked from home selling antique dolls online. But walking meant that I was burning calories. It was good exercise. A bonus was that a part of it was along the river trail, and I got to see the ducks and other wildlife that lived there. Unfortunately, that included some of the homeless. They couldn’t help it, but some of them were a little scary. I was always nice, but I kept my distance. Once in a while, there would be someone fishing, but not today.
My stomach started hurting about halfway to school, so I sat down on a big rock and took out the carrots and my water bottle. I sipped the water, giving it time to help me feel full without stretching my stomach out, then I ate a carrot. Only one. They were each about three calories, and I was only allowed four hundred calories per day. While I chewed the carrot into mush, I took out my phone and recorded it in my food journal, along with my lower weight. It was way too close to one hundred. I cringed at that number. Two weeks ago I’d been ninety-five and my mom had said I was the prettiest she’d ever seen me. I needed to get back there. I had to be firmly back in my size 00 jeans.
As I stood and headed on to school, I thought about how beautiful Raine had looked the day before when we met at the mall. She’d been buying new clothes for school and had needed a few last-minute things. The thing that really got me was the leather jacket she bought. It looked so good on her with her black hair and dark eyes, giving her a sort of badass vibe, even though she was the furthest thing from a badass I’d ever met. Maybe that’s why I liked it so much since it was so different from the normal funky-artist thing she usually did. Raine could pull off almost any look. And honestly, I would like her any way she chose to be. For a moment I imagined her in her leather jacket, looking at me when she’d tried it on. She’d looked like she wanted to kiss me when I’d straightened the collar for her and told her how beautiful she looked. But I was probably imagining it. Besides we couldn’t go there. Mom would have a fit if we did. It would derail her plans for me, whatever they were. Anyway, I hoped Raine would have the jacket on, even if it was probably too warm. I smiled as I continued to walk.
I heard a car pull up beside me as I came out of the woodsy copse of trees next to the river. For a moment I felt a familiar sense of panic, and I kept my eyes straight ahead. It wasn’t the first time someone had driven up next to me and leaned out the car to talk to me. Older guys had started hitting on me as early as middle school, and it had only gotten worse as I’d entered high school. Pervs!
But when I saw it out of the corner of my eye, I knew that car. I stopped walking to be able to lean in through the passenger door and smile at Raine. She was wearing the jacket, and my stomach fluttered. “Hey. You look great today. I love your makeup.” I couldn’t tell her she looked pretty. I hated that word, and it made me queasy to hear it directed at me. I couldn’t use it with another person. God. I wanted to eat her up in that jacket.
“Get in, hot stuff.” She flashed me a sweet smile.
I slid in beside her and was glad she had already dropped off her brothers. I didn’t mind them, not exactly, but I was an only child and having to share my best friend with her siblings wasn’t something I was good at. When I was with Raine, I gave her all of my attention, and I wanted all of hers too.
I reached over and touched her hair. She had it pulled back with a headband but some of her dreads draped over her shoulder and I twisted one of them through my fingers. She hated it when other people touched her hair, but she always let me do it.
I let go of her hair. Lingering touches might give my feelings away. I wasn’t sure why knowing that I was the only one who was allowed to touch her like that gave me little butterflies in my stomach, but it did.
“Did you get enough sleep?” Raine asked.
“Sure. It’ll probably end up being the best night of sleep I get for a while since the homework and last-minute papers are about to start up. How come?”
Raine pulled into the school parking lot and maneuvered into the student section. It put us right near the cafeteria. Since we had off-campus privileges our senior year, I hoped that a space so close to the main exit would give us extra time to go out and get back to class in time. I had my carrots, but I knew Raine would be happy to grab something better than cafeteria hot dogs and limp nachos.
“Your eyes are a bit red. I thought either you didn’t get much sleep or….”
I bit my bottom lip. I wasn’t missing sleep, but I knew what made my eyes so red. Puking always took a toll on me. Maybe I needed to start using eye drops afterward. But she couldn’t possibly know what I was doing. I hated keeping secrets from her, but I’d always been super careful not to let her know anything about that part of my life. How could she possibly understand? She was so comfortable in her skin. Unlike me. “Or?” I asked with a smile, masking the fear and uncertainty squeezing my empty stomach and twisting it into a knot.
“Or maybe you’re getting high and not sharing any with your best friend,” she joked. “It’s not like I’d care if you were. Maybe I’d even sneak some with you. We’re in Colorado. It’s totally legal to indulge a little.” She gave me a mischievous little wink. She knew I knew it was illegal for kids under twenty-one. Still, she and I had tried it once and had both gotten super paranoid. As far as I knew, she hadn’t tried it again. I certainly hadn’t. I couldn’t afford the munchies.
I scrunched up my nose. “No way in hell. Ugh. I can’t stand the smell of that crap.” Not to mention what my mom would do to me if she ever found out I was doing drugs, even something minor like pot. I hadn’t even smoked a cigarette, ever.
Raine shrugged and laughed. “Use some eye drops or something next time. We can’t have you looking high while going around school. They might start doing random drug tests or something. You know I can’t pee in front of anyone except you. C’mon, I want to go get a soda before school starts. The vending machine in the art classroom has that orange soda, and I can’t start the first day of school without one. It’s tradition.”
Laughing, I followed her as we headed inside. This year was going to be great, and it was going to be the last year either of us ever had to deal with in this school or in this town. We were going to be home free in a few short months, and I couldn’t wait for that to happen. No rules, no parents, just us doing our own thing and being great at it.