Chapter Four

 

 

There were no windows in this small space, but Ezra knew it was night outside. He didn’t need to look at a clock to know it was late. He stood in the bathroom, his hair still wet from the shower he’d taken, and wondered why he even cared about time. Somehow the realization that it was dark outside and they were alone in the building made his heart thud in his chest.

She was no more than a few feet away. All he would have to do was open the two doors that separated them and he could be in the same room. She would have changed into the pajamas provided for her and she would look soft and sweet, and her breasts would press against the T-shirt, her nipples outlined by the thin cotton.

Not that it would matter. Not that she would look at him.

It had been more than an hour since the light had come on above the door, letting them know the club had closed for the evening and Rene had locked the place up. Nothing was stopping them from going downstairs, picking an apparatus, and testing it out.

Nothing except the fact that he was a massive ass who couldn’t control his anger. He stared at himself in the mirror and wondered if his brother would even recognize him now. The real Ezra Fain had been better. He would never have dismissed his wife, would have found some way to forgive her. His brother had been the generous one, the one who could find a reason to like everyone he met. Beck had been the hard-ass, stubborn one, the righteous, judgmental one. He’d taken on his brother’s name in an attempt to find some of his brother’s grace, but he was failing at that, too.

The burner phone that had been in his go-bag buzzed against the small sink where he was supposed to be shaving. The scruff would have to wait. He picked up the cell and answered it. “Yes?”

He wasn’t giving a name or asking for one. If he didn’t recognize the voice on the other end, he would hang up and destroy the phone.

“Are you settled in?” Ian Taggart’s voice came over the line.

He’d thought it would be Damon. “Yes. I’m surprised to hear from you. I thought you would be on a plane. Rene told me you would be here in the morning.”

“I am on a plane. I borrowed it from Mia. I’ll be there in the morning and I’ll be cranky as fuck because the time difference sucks, but I need to get in and get out as soon as possible. It’s freaking eight p.m. my time. If I get a couple of hours of sleep, I’ll count it a win. At least the girls are sleeping.”

“You’re bringing the girls? You’re bringing your six-year-old girls to a Parisian BDSM club when the Agency is likely to be all over this place?”

“I have my reasons. The girls can totally handle it, and I wasn’t about to leave them home to help their mother who is currently taking care of their newest brother. I’d have Seth with me if Mia and Case hadn’t offered to take care of him. The good news is I’m bringing Chelsea, too. If anyone knows how to deal with Agency dickheads, it’s my sister-in-law. Look, I’m coming in on a different project, but it’ll be good cover. I wanted to warn you that Levi’s already looking. Chelsea’s been on the Deep Web.”

Kim had been on the web all night, barely looking up from the laptop. “If you’re talking about the bounty on her head, we know.”

The fact that she’d barely registered an emotion on finding out Levi had put her in the crosshairs of all kinds of unethical hunters was a real problem. She’d shut down. Kim was an emotional woman and she’d always needed an outlet.

He was worried she wouldn’t cry in front of him.

“Good, then you understand that he’s not playing around this time,” Big Tag replied. “Solo’s in serious trouble. Damon sent me a copy of his report. Tell me you understand this is all bullshit and that Levi plays a long, very convincing game. And again, it’s all bullshit.”

“I know she didn’t betray her country. But we have to prove it.”

A snort came over the line. “Did you not understand the word convincing? I’m already trying to give her an alibi, but the very nature of her job is working against us. I’ve got about two hours tomorrow, and Chelsea and I will go over all of this with Solo. If we can prove even one of his claims is false, we can likely bring the whole house of cards down.”

At least someone was working on the problem from the outside. Big Tag still had some Agency contacts. “Good. The faster we clear her name, the faster I get to kill Levi Green.”

Big Tag sighed. “Yeah, I was worried that was what you would be focused on. How is Solo? Not that I care because I barely know the woman, but Charlie worries about everybody and she’s going to ask.”

Sure. Only Charlotte wanted to know how Kim was. Big Tag was a notorious busybody. “Solo’s solo. Her name is more than a nickname. It’s a very good description of who she is.”

But not of who she’d been. It was odd to think about it now. When he’d met her, she’d seemed to fall so easily into his life. She’d been a flower drinking up water and blooming under his affection. She’d been a lonely child, and as an adult she’d desperately wanted to fit in, wanted to build some kind of family since her own had been cold and distant.

They had not approved of him. And yet it hadn’t mattered to Kim one bit that he hadn’t fit in with her parents’ fancy lifestyle. She was the only ridiculously wealthy person he’d ever met who he believed genuinely could have done without the money. Some of the best times they’d had were simple. A picnic in the park. Staying in and ordering sweet and sour chicken and watching TV.

She’d loved Bliss, Colorado. There was nothing fancy about the place, yet it had been plain how much she’d wanted to fit in there.

“Well, I’m sure she’s feeling pretty alone now,” Tag pointed out. “Unless you’ve gotten your head out of your ass.”

He rolled his eyes even though Tag couldn’t see him. “My head is exactly where I want it to be. Look, I got her out. I’m staying with her and protecting her. We’re fine.”

“I seriously doubt she’s fine. She understands that you hate her on an intellectual level, but living in close quarters with a man who despises you is another story.”

“I don’t despise her.” He’d had to come to that conclusion weeks ago. It was easy to hate her when she wasn’t sitting in front of him. He could shove out all the good memories they’d made together when she wasn’t smiling and lighting up the room. Somehow when she walked in, the world seemed more vibrant than it had been before.

“You put on a good front.”

He sighed. “Yeah, and the second she’s in danger I toss out my whole life to rescue her.”

“Ah, see, your brain does work. And what does that mean?” Tag asked.

“It means I have complex feelings when it comes to her.”

Tag chuckled. “Excellent. Explore those feelings, especially the ones concerning your dick. Now I know I talk a lot about how dicks are dumb, but sometimes dicks are so dumb they’re smart. Dicks don’t let the past get in the way of something they really want.”

“Tag, I’m not one of your projects.” The last thing he wanted was for Tag to treat him like one of the Lost Boys.

“I don’t have projects, brother,” Tag shot back. “I merely impart knowledge, and if anyone understands your position, it’s me.”

He’d heard this lecture before. Charlotte had done Big Tag wrong by faking her own death and blowing up Tag’s life. She’d cost him his career with the Agency, and he’d mourned her for years before she’d shown back up in his life. To hear Big Tag tell it, he’d been a saint, welcoming his wife back with loving arms. To hear Charlotte tell it was a whole other story.

It wasn’t the same. Charlotte had been trying to save her sister. She hadn’t sent Sean Taggart on a mission that got him killed—after Big Tag begged her not to do it.

It wasn’t the same.

“Do you have anything else you need from me? I’d like to read that report.”

Big Tag was quiet for a moment. “I’ve got a printout and Chelsea’s got a report for you, too. We’ll be landing in Paris early in the morning. My package is being delivered in the afternoon, and then we’ll be heading back to the States if everything is in order. You should know Levi’s still in London. He demanded to be let into The Garden, and Damon gave him a tour.”

So their plan was already in motion. “You expect he’ll show up in Paris.”

“Oh, I think he’ll come sometime tomorrow, and I’ll be there waiting for him,” Tag promised. “You will stay in that hidey-hole of Rene’s. I know the bed looks small, but you can actually do some pretty nasty stuff on it. See, there was this time Charlie and I had to hide from a whole bunch of groups because she’d assassinated the head of a syndicate. Got stuck there for five days. Best days of my life, man.”

He did not want to hear about how the man got his nasty on for five days. “We will definitely stay inside. Rene explained the way the place is set up. I might go downstairs for a while. Hopefully they have a hamster wheel like Sanctum. I could use a run.”

“Unless he’s gotten all modern and shit, I wouldn’t look for that in Rene’s club. He’s pretty old school,” Tag replied. “Have you thought about the fact that Solo is very likely sexually submissive?”

Only every minute of every day since he’d understood what D/s was really about. He’d sat in the classes at Sanctum and a couple at The Garden and finally realized what had been missing from most of his sexual encounters.

He’d finally realized why sex was so much better with Kim.

“Somehow I don’t think she’s going to be up for a session.”

“I think after the day she’s had, a good long session ending with a screaming orgasm would be exactly what the doctor ordered,” Tag suggested. “But what do I know? Anyway, you might think about it. It could do you both good. Unless you’re willing to let me take her back to Dallas when it’s safe and have you go your own way.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. “I’m not leaving her until I know she’s safe.”

“That could be a while.”

“It’s not like I’m doing anything else with my time.” When he thought about it, he’d been drifting since the divorce. He’d blamed it on his brother’s death, but pushing Kim away had been a big part of him losing his direction. He hadn’t thought about the future in anything more than a vague way in years. Not since he and Kim had sat up in bed and talked about having a couple of kids, eventually moving into the private sector so they could have a normal family life.

“All right, then you should think about calling a truce since you’re going to be together for at least a few weeks, maybe longer. Better to spend that time working out your shit than fighting. See you tomorrow. And do I have to say it?”

Ezra hung up because he didn’t need Big Tag to tell him to wear a freaking condom. Like he was fifteen and couldn’t control himself. Besides, he hadn’t had sex in a very long time, and Kim was on birth control. All operatives with working ovaries were.

He wasn’t going to have sex with his ex. Not that she would. Except she’d spent the last several months saving his ass as often as she could. He could tell himself it was guilt, but she was as alone as he was. Neither of them had been able to move forward with their lives.

Maybe it was time to figure out why.

He dragged on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. What would it hurt to talk to her? To try to end the day better than they’d begun?

He’d felt uncomfortable with some of the things she’d pointed out to him, and he was old enough to know that if he felt uncomfortable about it then she was probably right.

He stood in front of the door to the bedroom and wondered if she would welcome him inside. Or punch him in the face. He would take either because either meant they were communicating.

But what if they could find a better way to work through the pain? Tag was right. Kim was a deeply independent woman who needed to submit sexually to feel free to enjoy the pleasure sex could bring her. He was a man who needed control in order to truly unleash a part of himself he didn’t indulge in his daily life. It was why they’d been so good together back then.

It’s why you can be good together now. All you have to do is stop being so fucking angry.

Or he could talk to her. He could start there. He knocked on the door and waited.

After a moment he opened the door and realized she was gone.

Ezra shoved his feet in shoes and vowed to not let her get away.

 

* * * *

 

Solo wandered around the dungeon, letting her hands brush against the leather-covered furniture that probably wasn’t meant for seating. She was pretty sure she was looking at a spanking bench. The dungeon floor was a pretty red and black stained concrete, but the walls were mostly decorated with heavy velvet drapes that would mask the sounds coming out of here, trapping all those moans and groans and shouts of pleasure/pain in this space.

She had to wonder how many times Beck had walked the floor of The Garden. The dungeon at Damon Knight’s London club was totally different from this, but it was every bit as decadent and beautiful.

Of course she hadn’t been allowed to play. She’d been allowed to use one of the privacy rooms, specifically the one that contained a sauna, but only because she’d requested it for medical reasons.

All of her life she’d looked for a place where she could be accepted. It sucked that Beck—the one who’d kind of had a stick in his ass when it came to sex—had been the one to find it. It would have been cool, but he was the very reason she was left out in the cold.

I’m sorry. Normally I welcome a submissive who wants to explore, but I think having you in the dungeon would make Ezra…uncomfortable.

She could still hear Damon’s words when he’d turned her down. It had taken a lot of her pride and courage to ask him. It wasn’t easy to admit what she wanted. Of course she’d heard the words he hadn’t said—everyone would be uncomfortable. Even Ari.

She’d gotten used to the fact that even her friend didn’t completely trust her. No one did.

She groaned as the pain shot down her right leg, and she was reminded why she’d come down here in the first place.

Pain.

“Is it bugging you?” Beck asked.

She nearly jumped out of her skin but managed to stay cool. “I didn’t hear you behind me.”

“I thought we should still be quiet even though the light tells me we’re alone. You snuck out while I was in the shower.”

“I didn’t think you would notice since you wouldn’t take the bed. Did I forget to close the door?” She’d snuck out because she’d needed a place to stretch. The bedroom was far too small, and she hadn’t wanted to bother Beck. They’d pretty much been silent for hours. She’d sat at the laptop searching the Deep Web for anyone who had information they would share with her. He’d been on the phone with Damon. She’d made them both sandwiches that she’d forced herself to eat in silence.

“I opened it to check on you,” he admitted.

Of course he had. He didn’t even trust her to sleep properly. “I wasn’t trying to leave if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know, but I did check to make sure your bag was still there. I know you think it would be easier to do this on your own.”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t. Not in any way. But I do think it would be easier to have a partner who trusted me, who wanted to be with me.”

His hands went to his hips, a sure sign all that silence from him was threatening to explode. “I came for you.”

“I know, and I have to wonder why.” She winced as the pain shot through her again.

“Lie down on the table. The one to your left.”

“I’m fine but I need to stretch.” She’d managed to go hours without talking to him. She didn’t intend to start now.

He wasn’t ready to move past what they’d been through. He might never be ready. When his brother had died, something had broken inside Beck and she wasn’t sure it could be healed. At least not by her.

She would walk a bit and stretch and get through the pain.

He moved in and she suddenly found herself swept up into his arms.

“Hey,” she said even as she held on.

“I’m sorry I’m being an ass,” he said quietly as he moved toward the table he’d pointed out. “I can’t seem to help myself with you.”

“A good reason for you to go back to The Garden as soon as it’s safe.” In so many ways it would be easier to be on her own. Simply being around him broke her heart.

He laid her gently on the big table. “Roll on your stomach. I still remember how to do this.”

Because in the beginning, he’d been the one to deal with the pain left from her time with an unfriendly government. In their defense, she had been spying at the time, but it didn’t help the shooting pains she still got or the aches she suffered from the broken femur.

Beck had been the one to come for her. Her husband. They’d only been married a few weeks when she’d gotten in trouble. He’d been the one standing at the opposite end of the tunnel at the prisoner exchange. He’d been the one to pick her up and hold her. He hadn’t let go of her hand until they’d wheeled her back for surgery.

And Beck had been the one to hug her and kiss her and not give her a second’s grief when she went on her next assignment. He’d understood the job, known she was competent.

She rolled on her stomach, giving him the access he needed. “I think eight hours in the car probably did it.”

He put one big hand on the small of her back and heat flooded her system. “Really? You think it was the drive and not the fact that you were in a horrific car accident?”

The minute he pressed down in exactly the right place she sighed. Sometimes the absence of pain was pure pleasure. “Can you call it an accident? I think that was pretty much what Ari intended to do. I’m not complaining. I was never happier to get out of a limo in my life. God, that feels good.”

He started to work the muscle in easy strokes. “I would have done pretty much anything to get you out of that car. I know I was an ass earlier. I’m sorry. I do want to be here with you. It’s complicated. Ever since I saw you again in Colorado, I can’t stop thinking about you, about our marriage. I thought I was over it all.”

“I don’t think our marriage is the kind of thing you get over. I know I haven’t, and I know why, but I don’t think we have the same reasons.”

“Because you still love me.”

She hated how vulnerable that made her, but it was true. “Yes.”

“Why do you think that can’t be my reason, too?” Beck asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to fight. Anything I say right now is going to push you over the edge and I just can’t.”

He was quiet for a moment, his strong hands easing her pain. She wished she wasn’t wearing the pajama bottoms she’d found, wished she’d had a gown on instead so she could feel those hands on her skin.

“That’s what I do, isn’t it? I argue with anything you say. Even if I agree with it, I fight. Do you wonder why that is?” Beck’s voice was as soothing as his hands.

“Because you hate me.”

“Because if I don’t, if I let my guard down for a single second, I’ll remember everything I ever loved about you and I’ll give in. But lately I’ve wondered if I’m not punishing myself as much as I am you. And I’m wondering why I’m punishing you at all.”

She needed to remind him or they would both be in a bad position. She pushed up off the table so she could look him in the eyes. “Because you blame me for what happened to your brother. Please don’t forget that. I say it because I know if you forget, it won’t be long before something reminds you and we’re right back to you hating me again.”

He stood where he was, dangerously close to her. “Tell me why you took the Colorado job.”

Her chest felt too tight. It always did when she thought about the time she’d spent in Bliss. It had been a place she’d almost managed to think of as home. “It was Colorado. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful. I got to spend months and months surrounded by those mountains and those crazy people. It’s the best job I’ve had and all I had to do was watch John Bishop.”

“Tell me why you really took the job.”

She kind of wished she’d taken the pain and stayed in bed. Telling him the truth would likely be far more uncomfortable than her leg had been. “Because you were involved with Ian Taggart, and I knew there was no way you didn’t end up in that town. Because John Bishop was one of Ian’s mentors. Because by then you had gotten involved in the Lost Boys lives, and it was a good bet someone was going to go for The Ranch.”

The Ranch had been a research site funded by some of the darker elements of the CIA. It was a secret site deep in the Sangre de Cristo mountains. It was where Hope McDonald had done much of her early work. The site had been closed down suddenly and without notice, so all the research and data that had been inside had gotten trapped. She’d known the Lost Boys would someday come for that knowledge because they’d been a big part of those experiments.

Beck stared down at her. “You wanted to work your way into my life again?”

“No, asshole. I wanted to make sure you survived.” She started to move off the table. He was so fucking arrogant.

He put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, I was asking. That’s all.”

He was also forgetting a few very important facts about that time. “I didn’t exactly announce I was there, you know.”

His lips kicked up in the sweetest grin. “No, you made damn sure you were never in the same room with me. I thought River’s friend Heather was a figment of everyone’s imagination. Especially Tucker’s.”

She winced. “He was definitely interested in female companionship. And he wasn’t picky about it at the time. We’re never telling his wife that story.”

Roni was one of the only people in their world who didn’t look at her with suspicion. Roni had made her feel like one of the girls. She would do a lot to avoid hurting Roni Croft-Seeger.

A single brow cocked over his eyes. “Yeah, you’re the one the less picky guys go for.” He studied her for a moment. “You’re still the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met.”

She rolled her eyes at that. “Yeah, you followed Mia Lawless around for a good six months. I’m sure I’m still the most gorgeous.”

His hand moved to the ponytail at the back of her head and he tugged gently. “I said what I meant, Kimberly.” He seemed to realize what he was doing and let go of her hair, backing off slightly. “I’m sorry. We’re in a dungeon and I’m acting like a Dom.”

Her heart had started racing the minute his voice had taken on the deep timbre she remembered so vividly. “You were always a Dom. I just didn’t know what to call you.”

She’d been all of twenty-two years old when she’d met him, and he’d been twenty-five. So freaking young, and they hadn’t even truly begun to explore their sexuality. She’d thought she would have decades with him, decades to learn with him, grow with him.

She’d barely gotten two years with him from when they started dating to their divorce. It was funny that she’d been divorced from him for far longer than she’d been married, but those precious months were the most important of her life.

“Yeah, I figured that out, too.” He moved so he was leaning on the table next to her, their hips almost touching. “Big Tag pointed out a lot of things to me. The man’s an ass but he’s an observant ass. He might have pointed out how much Mia looks like you. She was a safe version of you to follow around for a while. I didn’t even realize I was doing it at the time. I thought she was pretty and nice, and I had a job to do. She was also madly in love with Case Taggart. I never touched her. We became friendly, but I wouldn’t even say we were friends.”

Somehow hearing he hadn’t gone to bed with the gorgeous, do-gooder reporter made her feel a bit better. “One of the things I liked about Bliss was that I didn’t get hit on very often. Most of the men around town are married, and the others are super respectful. Being there, it was the most free I’d felt in forever.”

He shook his head. “I would never have said you would be happy in a small town. You like the city too much.”

“I probably wouldn’t have dreamed it either. Then I found one I liked. That’s the funny thing about change. It doesn’t happen until we let it. I took that job because I was worried about you, and I ended up loving the people there. Of course, now they all hate me. That’s the story of my life.” Once they’d figured out she’d lied to them for months, that she’d been watching one of their own, they hadn’t been so welcoming.

“It’s the nature of the job. I had the same problems at first. No one at McKay-Taggart and Knight trusted me with anything until I sacrificed for them. For a long time I was the Agency dude they hated the least.” He sighed and seemed to relax a bit. “They didn’t really trust me until they realized I wasn’t ever going back to the Agency.”

“I don’t know. I think it’s more than that. I’ve felt it all my life—that distance from other people. When your parents are the not-so-kind overlords of all they survey it’s hard.” From an early age she’d realized her playmates were carefully cultivated. It hadn’t been until she’d entered the ultra-exclusive boarding school her parents selected for high school that she realized almost everyone she knew was afraid of her because all it would take was a whisper from her mother to ruin their family in their society.

“Well, that’s how he got to you,” Beck pointed out. “Levi, that is. I’ve been thinking about it all night. You were lonely and he was willing to be your friend. He should have been upfront with you. He should have told you what he wanted and let you make the decision.”

Some memories were sweeter than others. Some pushed out the darkness. A vision of Beck sitting on a barstool beside her, telling her exactly what he wanted, haunted her in the best way possible. “Like you did?”

His smile deepened, finally revealing the dimples that only showed up when he was genuinely amused. “Hey, I was very open and honest that I was trying to get into your pretty panties.”

Their attraction had been out of control. He hadn’t approached her until he was no longer teaching her class, but she’d had some ridiculously over-the-top fantasies about the man. “Yeah, well, I didn’t make you wait long. If I remember correctly we were going at it in a motel because neither of us wanted to wait to get back across town.”

“The Kingsman. I remember that motel fondly.”

She wrinkled her nose. “It was not nice in the cold light of day. There was a definite layer of grime in that bathroom.”

His expression went serious. “There was nothing cold about that day.”

No. It had been a sunny, gorgeous summer day, and they’d laughed as they decided to not use that shower. They’d held hands on the metro and bought bagels and gone back to her place where they’d spent all Saturday in bed. She’d known she was madly in love with him that day.

That day seemed so far away now.

“Are you all right?” Beck asked.

She wanted to break the intimacy between them. The moment felt too warm. It was a falsehood, and she would end up hurting again. “Yeah, you got the exact pressure point. I’ll be fine as long as I move.”

“I wasn’t talking about that. That call from Levi… He’s stalking you.”

He’d been stalking her for years, but no one called it that when the man stalking her used to be a friend, still pretended to be one. She was the bitch who couldn’t see how much he cared about her. “He is.”

“Tell me what he did. Not that sanitized report. I want to know how he made you feel.”

“If I do that, you’ll get angry again.”

He shook his head. “No. I promise I won’t make this about me. I heard you. I’ve let those words sit with me, and I realized I was doing exactly what you said I was. I’m marginalizing what happened because I can’t stand the thought that this wasn’t about me, that I was incidental in this story. It’s hard to think that all this pain I’ve felt didn’t have any real meaning.”

“That’s not what I said. Of course it has meaning.”

He shrugged. “But oddly it feels worse that the pain wasn’t intentional.”

He had some toxic masculinity to work through, but then she’d always known it. He had anger issues that he’d never turned her way before the incident with his brother. What did she owe him? In her rational moments she knew she owed him nothing. But her stupid heart kept wanting more. “He told me he was going to use the drug on me. He told me he’s got a dose with my name on it.”

Beck went still and she knew she’d made a mistake. There was a reason she’d left that specific part out of the report. She’d thought someone like Taggart would understand the underpinnings of the threat without putting it baldly out there to taunt Beck.

Or maybe she’d been worried Beck wouldn’t care.

It seemed one way or the other when it came to this man. He either went over the top with rage or he was cold. There was none of the in between she needed from him.

He pushed off the table. “I’m going to kill him.”

She should have known. “Good. Way to make it not about you, babe.”

He turned on her, his jaw clenched tight so every word came out peppered with tension. “How am I supposed to act? Am I supposed to be perfectly fine with the fact that he means to drug you and put you through everything McDonald put my men through? You expect me to be okay with that?”

She’d wanted to avoid more masculine bullshit. “This is why I didn’t put the specific threat in the report. And I seriously doubt he was going to train me to commit crimes for him. He was interested in other things. He wanted a good little wife who would submit to him.”

There was a fine flush to Beck’s face. “Don’t you bring that into it. That is not what submission is about.”

Why did she love him? Why did it have to be this one stubborn, obnoxious man? She bit back a wince as she got to her feet. “Fine. I didn’t use the right words to describe what he was going to do to me. Maybe you can write up my next report so I get it right.”

She was done with this, done with the seesaw of emotions this man brought out in her. Maybe Ari was right and it would genuinely be better for both of them if she walked away and was never heard from again. She would take her secrets with her and leave Levi and Beck to fight this out on their own. Or Levi would leave Beck alone once he realized she wasn’t trying to get close to him anymore. She could find a deserted island and Survivor the crap out of the rest of her life.

A big hand gripped her elbow and whirled her around. “Hey, where are you going?”

She was out of his hold in two seconds. One more and she was the one with hands on him. She wrenched his arm behind his back and had him on his toes. “I think I’ve been manhandled enough for one day.”

He went still. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m mad because he threatened to hurt you. You can’t expect me to not care that he’s planning to dose you with that drug. I’ve spent the last few months of my life trying to fix the results of that fucking drug. Tell me you wouldn’t be upset if he’d done the same to me.”

She sighed and let go of his arm. “I wouldn’t let anger take away from comforting you. You would be my first priority. The way I used to be yours.”

He ran a hand through his hair, pressing it back as he began to pace. “All this time and we lose it to him. To fucking Levi Green.”

She understood his frustration. “Levi always wins. It’s why the next time I have a shot at killing him, let me take it. No matter the cost.”

His jaw went tight. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I want this over with. All of it. If it means I go down then I go down, but I will take him with me.” This could all be over with if he’d simply allowed her to get back in the limo. Yes, she would have probably been taken out, but Levi would be done.

She could have done one good thing before she died.

“I couldn’t stand there and let you die.” He moved in behind her, his hands coming to her shoulders. “I’m fucking everything up again. I swear I came down here to make sure you were okay.”

“I thought you came down here to make sure I hadn’t run.”

“I walked out of that shower and damn near panicked,” Beck admitted. “It’s because I know if you run this time, you won’t come back. My feelings for you are so complicated, but I knew I couldn’t sit there and let him take you. You’re right. I’m not putting you first. I haven’t in a very long time, but I don’t know if that’s my place anymore. I worry if I put you first, I’ll disappear.”

“No, you’re worried if you put me first, if you let go of the anger you still feel, you’ll be betraying your brother,” she corrected.

He gave her a slow nod. “Yeah. I guess that’s what it comes down to.”

“The funny thing is, the real Ezra wouldn’t have blamed me and you know it.”

He sighed. “I don’t want to talk about him. I want to talk about you. I’m sorry. Not that I got mad, but that I didn’t control it. You haven’t cried. Not the whole time. Your life fell apart and you haven’t cried.”

“Well, it wasn’t much of a life.”

“That’s something to cry about, too,” he said. “Talk to me. Tell me what you felt while you were in that limo. I want to hear it because you need to say it, because under all that toughness, I know there’s a soft heart. You need to cry and let it out or it’s going to fester.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Yes, I’ve let things fester for a very long time and I’m a walking wound.” He drew her back against him. “I’m feeling helpless. I don’t handle that well. Maybe we both need to deal with the day. I’m not going to sleep tonight if I don’t try to take care of you. You can talk to me or we can try something else.”

She let her head drift back and then she was surrounded by him. Despite the fact that she knew it couldn’t work out in the long term, she wanted this moment, needed it so badly. It would be better to run back to her room and lock herself in, but she couldn’t do it. He was a drug and she’d never stopped craving him. The temptation to find out how this Beckett Kent could take care of her was far too much to turn away. “What do you want to try?”

“You are one big ball of stress and you don’t trust me.”

“Beck,” she began.

“No. It’s true and I understand it. I have trouble with trust, too. So let’s work on it. Let’s take this time and see if we can figure out a better way to deal with each other. Let’s start with brutal honesty.” He took a shaky breath behind her. “I’ve missed you.”

She closed her eyes and let the words sink in. “I missed you, too.”

“I’m still angry with you, but I don’t think that matters now. I think what matters is that my instinct is to protect you. I need to follow my instincts.”

Yes, she should definitely run because there was still so much he didn’t know, so many other reasons to be angry with her. But they didn’t matter because she couldn’t talk about them. Those promises had been made to someone else and she couldn’t break them. Not even to save her marriage.

“Can you trust me enough to let me touch you? I know I did that when I helped with your leg, but you know damn well it would feel better if you didn’t have clothes on, if it was my hand on your skin. Let me touch you.”

There was nothing she wanted more, but she couldn’t say it. All she could do was step out and turn to face him. She held up her arms and let him pull the T-shirt she was wearing off. She’d been ready for bed so she’d taken her bra off, and now cool air whispered across her skin. But it was the fact that his eyes were on her that made her nipples tighten.

“I’ve been with other women,” he said carefully.

They’d been divorced for years. She hadn’t thought he would be faithful. “I’ve dated some. Not much. Two guys. Not…”

He shook his head. “No. He wasn’t a date. I know that. He was a mistake you made, and Levi likely manipulated you.”

She suddenly felt so vulnerable. “If we’re going to actually talk about this, I should be dressed.”

“No. That’s been our problem all along.” He reached down and pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. “Every single time we’ve talked in the last ten years, we’ve put on our armor and gone into battle. This isn’t a battle. It doesn’t have to be. It can be something more.”

Like once, they’d been something more. “I’m afraid to be vulnerable with you.”

He kicked off his shoes. It was obvious he’d shoved them on his feet when he’d come down to look for her because he wasn’t wearing socks. How odd that the sight of his feet made her heart clench. She’d seen his chest, his arms and legs. But it had been so many years since she’d seen his feet, brushed hers against them when they were in bed.

“I’ve never loved a woman the way I loved you. I put it in the past tense, but we both know there’s still something here.” Beck shoved the pajama bottoms he’d been wearing down and revealed he wasn’t wearing any boxers. “I don’t know where we’re going, but I know as long as we’re stuck here together, I won’t be able to keep my hands off you. I’m sick of being angry with you.”

She was so sick of his anger, though she knew there was some justification to it. “You want honesty? You want to know what I felt when I was in that limo with him?”

He moved in, his body on glorious display. The man was even more lovely than he’d been all those years before. Though he bore a few new scars. She did, too. It was funny because they were almost in the same place. He reached out and touched the place where she’d been shot in Colorado. It was a few inches under her collar bone. She waited for his anger to rise, but he merely touched the spot. “Yes. I want to know. I want to know how you felt so I can try to fix it.”

He couldn’t fix it, but he might be able to make her feel something. She’d been numb for so long, forcing herself to not want anything. The few times she’d allowed herself to hope, she’d found the depths of despair. It felt good to want even though she knew it wouldn’t last more than a night or two.

“When I realized he’d come for me, I was scared at first, but then I felt so fucking lost because you wouldn’t look at me. Because you didn’t say anything. I wondered if you thought I was guilty and I was getting what I deserved.”

“Damon stopped me,” he admitted. “Damon begged me to stay calm. He knew we could get you back, but we couldn’t stop him from taking you. I wasn’t calm or cool in that moment. I was white-hot raging angry, and there was a part of me that was angry with you.”

Just like that she was done. She couldn’t handle another second of his anger. Not when they’d gotten so close to something else. He couldn’t help himself. He was made of rage and he’d found a place to put it all. On her.

This had been a terrible mistake. She shouldn’t ever be vulnerable with him because for all his sweet words, they were still at war. He wanted the chance to really wreck her this time.

“Hey, don’t,” he began. “I promised I would be honest and that anger was there, too.”

She nodded. “Of course it was. You’re always angry. I would bet you sat there and wondered if it wasn’t some sex game between me and Levi. Or if I was doing it to get your attention. Like a kid who acts out because she can’t get love any other way.”

His gaze went hard. “I was worried we might have to do it this way.”

“What way? It’s your way. It’s always your way.” It had been for years. The divorce had been his way. The anger had been his way. The inflexibility was his way.

“I assure you losing my brother wasn’t my way.” His hands clenched. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I meant to get you talking.”

“About what? About Levi? Are you trying to trick me into telling you I did it? Is that why you came after me? Did you think you could get the truth out of me better than he could?”

“I never once thought you were guilty,” he replied. “This is why we have to talk. You’re a bundle of emotions but you won’t let them out. If we’re going to get through this, we’ve got to do it together.”

Hearing the word come out of his mouth made her ache inside because that word was a lie coming from him. “Together? We haven’t been together in years, and maybe we never were.”

“I assure you we were together once. I still dream about it at night. It’s the reason I can’t have another relationship.”

She couldn’t do this with him. She’d been stupid to think they could have some sex and she would feel better. There was too much between them. God, the day had been too much. It all threatened to crash in on her. She’d lost it all, and now she was stuck with a man who actively hated her. He might be able to hide it for brief periods of time, but he hated her with as much passion as he’d ever loved her. He would turn on her and she wouldn’t survive it this time.

She tried to move to grab her shirt but he was right there, getting in her space.

He loomed over her, his face gorgeous in the low light of the dungeon. “No. We’re going to talk. I’m not leaving you like this.”

He was in his element. Somehow even without a stitch of clothing on, there was nothing vulnerable about Beckett Kent. He stood there, his stupid attractive feet planted on the ground, his gorgeous cock hard. He belonged here. Like he seemed to belong everywhere. This was his place of power. She didn’t have one. “Fuck you, Beck.”

“Yeah, I’d intended for this to end that way, but if you need to rage a little more, go on. I assure you I can take it.”

He’d already taken so much. She wanted to have it out with him, to let him know the truth about all things, but she couldn’t. So instead she gave him some truth of her own. He wanted honesty? She could give it to him. She moved in, needing him to understand that he couldn’t intimidate her. “You know what I thought when Levi told me he had the drug?”

“No. What did you think?”

He was infuriatingly calm now. It bothered her because she felt white hot. Like a live wire that was twitching and jumping, looking for something to send all that energy through.

“When he told me he had that drug and that he planned to use it on me, I was afraid at first. Then he pointed out that all my pain would go away because I wouldn’t remember who you were. I wouldn’t remember how easy it was to break me because I wouldn’t remember meeting the man who’d done it.”

His eyes flared, the first sign of his emotion. “You think you can forget me? You think some drug can make either of us forget?”

“I think I might like to try.” She didn’t mean it. She would never give up her memories of him. For a brief time he’d been everything to her. He’d been her future, and while they’d been together the world had been a better place. She would cling to that memory until the day she died.

His hand came up, gripping her hair and forcing her head back. “Then maybe I should remind you.”

His mouth came down on hers and all thoughts of leaving fled.

She knew she should be fighting him, but how long had she wanted this? How long had she waited for those gorgeous lips of his to be on hers again? All these years and she’d had a few encounters, one she didn’t remember at all, the one that cost her any hope of a reconciliation—but no one ever moved her the way Beckett Kent did.

She brought her arms up to circle his shoulder and bumped against the bandage on his arm. He hissed. She tried to pull away, but he tugged hard enough on her hair to make her gasp.

“No. Don’t stop me.”

She shook her head. “You’re hurt.”

“I’m always hurt around you. Make me feel better. You’re the only fucking person in the world who can make me feel better.”

She couldn’t resist him, couldn’t say no, though she worried there was a stark undertone to his words. All that mattered was taking this moment. She might never see him again. This might finally be the end, and she wanted something sweet, something to hold on to, something that she would fight to remember even if Levi caught her again.

She wanted one more moment with Beck.

He devoured her mouth, kissing her with a hunger she matched with her own.

“This is what you need, what we both need,” he whispered against her mouth. “Take off those pants and those fucking panties and let me touch you. Let me help clear some of this poison. Let’s get it all out of our systems, and then I’ll beg you to not make me sleep on the couch tonight.”

This was such a dangerous place to be. “You can’t make me forget. You’ve been an asshole to me for years.”

“I can. Give me a chance. You don’t have to love me again. You only have to want me. You have to trust me to get you through this. Let me start by getting you through the night. Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t want to know what I can do to you now and I’ll walk away. I’ll sleep on that couch and we can go right back to being polite in the morning.”

“You are never polite.”

“Because you don’t need polite. That’s not what you want in bed. You want me to take charge. You want to be able to close your eyes and focus on the pleasure. You want to shut your brain off and know that you can relax. I promise you won’t be thinking about anything but the way I can make you feel. Let me show you what I’ve learned over the years we’ve spent apart. Let me show you how much better I can take care of you now. Give me the power.”

She wanted to, but there needed to be boundaries. “I can’t make love to you.”

His hands tightened in her hair, lighting up her scalp and making her skin tingle. “Who said anything about making love? I want to fuck you. I want to spank you and make you cry for me. I want to hurt you but in the best way, in the way that unleashes your pain and makes me feel like I can do something good with all the bad inside me.”

If he’d offered her something tender, she couldn’t have even considered it. There was no tenderness between them, but there was need. The need to find out if he could do all the things he promised, if he could take her out of herself, if he could make her forget even for a few moments that she was alone in the world.

She nodded.

“No, you have to say it,” Beck commanded. “You have to give me the power, but with the understanding that you can take it back at any time. You can stop me. But I have to hear the words. There’s no shame in it. There’s no shame in this dungeon. It might coat the world outside, but it has no place here.”

She wanted to believe it, needed at least to try this with him. She shoved away every single reason to run from him.

“Please hurt me, Beck.”