Chapter Sixteen

 

 

The mood in the ladies’ locker room at Sanctum was jubilant. It was a stark contrast to the quiet that had fallen over her the minute they’d dropped off Roman in the building next door. She’d been told it was owned by Beck’s therapist, Kai Ferguson, who allowed a couple of conference rooms to be used as kids’ care when Sanctum was open. This evening Kai and his wife Kori had been there to greet them along with two women and a man who were working as caregivers that night. It had been explained to her that Doms and subs who couldn’t afford the cost of a Sanctum membership could still gain access by working one night a week.

Though it didn’t look like work. It looked like holding babies and playing games with kids.

Roman had immediately found Jeremy and the young Taggarts and had barely waved good-bye.

Then had come the nearly silent walk to the club where Beck had dropped her at the ladies’ locker room door and told her he would see her in twenty minutes. She’d walked in and been faced with some kind of party complete with champagne, bouncy music, and someone had brought cupcakes.

What the hell was she doing here? She wasn’t in a party mood.

Charlotte Taggart was sitting in what appeared to be the lounge portion of the large locker room. There were several comfy-looking sofas and a large ottoman covered in a gold tray that held the aforementioned champagne and cupcakes. Charlotte was wearing a silky robe, her hair up in a loose bun and a gorgeous diamond collar around her throat. She flashed a brilliant smile as Kim walked in. “Solo, it’s so good to see you. Welcome to Sanctum. Come in and meet the girls.”

“Thanks.” She kind of wanted to run. The “girls” were all gorgeous women, every one of them happily married for long periods of time. They were all friends who had barbecues and supported each other. They were a family.

She didn’t belong here.

Charlotte quickly introduced her to Avery O’Donnell, Serena Dean-Miles, Grace Taggart, and Erin Taggart. She already knew Eve, who sat to Charlotte’s left. There were other women moving around the locker room chatting, but these six women seemed to be their own club. “Thanks for having me. Do you know where my locker is? Beck told me there would be one for me.”

He’d also told her he’d arranged for her clothes for the evening. She was supposed to wear what he wanted her to wear, do what he wanted her to do, be who he wanted her to be.

Did she want to do that?

Charlotte stopped and Kim could practically see the wheels in her head turning. “Why don’t you sit for a minute and have a glass of champagne with us? Just one though. Club rules and everything. Ariel and River aren’t here yet. We can keep you company. Was Roman okay with the babysitting arrangements? Sorry you had to leave him in another building, but I promise it’s secure. We used to have on site care.”

Erin wrinkled her nose. She was a lovely redhead. “Then a couple of twins got way too nosey for anyone’s good.”

“Hey, TJ helped them get into the air vents,” Charlotte pointed out.

Serena set her glass down. “It was only a matter of time. When the kids got older they were bound to get curious.”

“The boys can be distracted with video games.” Avery O’Donnell wore an emerald green corset that peeked out of her robe. “But the girls are terrible. Daisy is the worst. She looks so sweet but she’s sneaky. The twins call her their secret weapon because Daisy turns on those doe eyes of hers and suddenly her dad lets her get away with anything. She’s going to be a menace, my girl.”

“Carys wants to start dating,” Grace announced. “She’s fifteen. I don’t think she should date until she can drive herself out of a bad date. Sean’s heart seizes every time she mentions it. I’m genuinely worried about him. And anyone Carys tries to date.”

“Start dating?” Serena said, her eyes wide. “Grace, you do know Tris has been paying for her movie tickets for years.”

“And Aidan pays for her snacks. All those times we dropped them off at the theater or the mall? They’re basically dates,” Avery affirmed.

Grace went a little pale. “Dear god, don’t tell Sean.”

“Sorry.” Charlotte turned her way and patted the seat beside her. “Our teens have a whole lot of drama. Tasha’s the only one who doesn’t seem to create tidal waves of angst. It actually worries me.”

Eve shifted to form a conversation group away from the main one. The others were talking about how hard it was to have teens. Eve glanced Charlotte’s way. “You know I think she’s well adjusted.”

“I’m worried she still thinks she’s going to be kicked out if she misbehaves,” Charlotte admitted. “I worry I praise her so much for being helpful that she’s decided it’s the only way to keep her place. But that’s trouble for another day. Solo, I need to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to react.”

She could guess what had happened and why they were drinking champagne. The thought made her lips curl up despite her weird mood. She’d spent most of the day studying the information they’d gotten from the woman named Reva. Kim admired her. Reva had managed to avoid Levi Green for years, and she’d held on to the one card guaranteed to take him down. Hutch had talked her into giving it to them. “Did they arrest him?”

Arrest wasn’t the right word. There wouldn’t be a fair trial for Levi Green. There would be pain and interrogation, and he might be allowed to live in a prison cell, but it was far more likely the Agency would put him down like a rabid dog.

She liked dogs way more than she liked Levi. Even rabid ones.

She’d sat on the back porch before dinner and thought about Roman playing with a dog. But it hadn’t been Beck’s backyard she’d seen in that happy vision. However, it had been Beck sitting beside her, watching their son play.

It was one more reason she shouldn’t be here. She was getting in way too deep.

Charlotte nodded. “We got word that he was taken into custody about an hour ago. And you got a bunch of flowers after you left work. I put them on your desk. But I brought the card.”

She reached into her pocket and handed her a note.

Glad you picked up the trail, Solo. Hope your second act is happier than your first.

“It isn’t signed.” She stared down at it. It was a typed note. “Do we have any idea where it came from?”

“Turns out the woman Levi was going to marry has a cousin named Drake,” Eve explained. “According to him, she’s one of the only people he can stand in his family.”

“He was in Germany at those meetings with Levi.” Charlotte set her champagne down. “Apparently he’s been looking for a way to take him down without doing it himself. He’d found the Reva connection, but couldn’t locate her. He managed to get a message out, but she refused to take his bait. He was hoping you would have more luck. I think he was also hoping sending you that note would let you know you had a problem on the way.”

Kim frowned. “He could have picked up the freaking phone and called Beck. He could have said hey, heads up, a psycho’s about to take out your ex.”

“I don’t think that’s how spies work,” Eve said. “Also, we can’t know he was certain Levi was coming after you. I wonder if the Agency found you. Alex was on the conference call with Drake. He says he has no idea how Levi found you.”

“I’m worried he’s got eyes on us,” Charlotte admitted. “Ian had the boys do another search, but we couldn’t find anything. Not here. Not at home. I’m going to be nervous until we figure out how he knew where you were.”

“And to look for Ezra. I’m with Beck. There’s no way he simply got pulled over by a cop who has ties to DC. That wasn’t a coincidence.” There were still things to figure out, but if Levi had been taken into custody, she could breathe easier. She also had decisions to make. That office at McKay-Taggart was sitting there waiting for her. She didn’t have to live with Beck after their agreement was up. It was only smart to do it for a while, to let Roman get to know his dad. At some point she would explain that it was time to find their own way.

Would she go back to Malta? Stay here in Dallas? Or start all over again somewhere else? She had the money to do it now that she could get back into her accounts.

The vastness of her options was overwhelming. She had to shove it all down or she would lose it. Quite frankly, it had been easier when she’d had one choice—to stay with Beck and stay alive.

“Are you okay?” Eve asked quietly. “I know you were close to him once. Even if he hurt you later on, he was your friend at one point.”

Did they all think she cared about him? “He was never my friend. I know that now. He was always trying to use me in one way or another. Seven years ago he was willing to take all of my memories to serve his own purpose. He’s a sociopath who doesn’t understand love. He’s only capable of obsession. I hope his corpse is already rotting. What I was feeling earlier was about how hard the job was. I was remembering how it felt to be all alone because I’d gotten burned. I was thinking about how that job that seemed so important to me had almost taken my soul.”

“Which is why it’s awesome you don’t have to go back,” Charlotte said brightly. “You can stay here. No one gets burned here.”

“Charlotte,” Eve said, and they exchanged a look.

Charlotte put a hand up, obviously conceding the lead to her friend. “I should go and finish getting ready. Again, Solo, it’s awesome to have you here. I hope you enjoy yourself. If you’ve got any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Charlotte stood and started for her locker.

“Thanks.” Despite her wariness, she was excited to see Sanctum.

She was also excited to forget about everything for a little while and sink into the role of the submissive. She could enjoy Beck in those moments because they weren’t Beck and Kim. They were other sides of themselves, sides that existed only in this time and in the spaces they chose.

She would “play” with him until it was time for her to go. She would have to think about how to handle it if she decided to stay in Dallas.

If she stayed in Dallas, how long would it be before she was right back where she was in the beginning? Working cases, getting dragged into subterfuge. Falling madly in love with Beck again, and this time when he left her he would be leaving Roman, too.

“Do you have any questions?” Eve asked.

“How did you forgive him?” The question was out of her mouth before she could think better than to ask it. That hadn’t been the knowledge Eve had offered to share. Eve had been following up on Charlotte. She’d been asking her if she had questions about BDSM and the club.

But Eve McKay and her husband, Alex, had divorced at one point and then figured their shit out, and they seemed solid this time around.

Kim held a hand out. “Forget I asked that. It was rude. I’m sorry. I think I’ll…”

Eve reached for her hand. “It was hard. I didn’t want to for a long time. I was punishing him in a way, but the worst part was all the years I punished myself.”

Kim hesitated. This might not be a road she wanted to go down. It might be better to let it lie and move on. Wasn’t that what she’d been trying to do all along? She’d chased after Beck for years. She didn’t need to do it anymore. They could be over.

Eve leaned in. “I’m glad you’re talking about it. It’s healthy to talk about it, Kim.”

“You’re the only one who calls me Kim. Everyone else calls me Solo.”

“You’re only Solo if you choose to be,” Eve said softly. “I think you hide behind that nickname more than you want to. I think it feels like a shield here.”

Eve was good at her job. Which was precisely why Kim should stop talking, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.

“It was always armor. It was a stupid nickname I got in training, but it came to mean something to me. I needed it when I worked with the Agency.” She shook her head because she wasn’t being honest, and there was zero reason to lie. Being open felt…better. “I think I’ve always had some kind of armor. Whether it was a nickname or a blustery attitude, I’ve always hid behind something. I learned early on how much other people could hurt me. I learned that from my parents, from the kids of people who hated my parents. The world I grew up in sucked.”

Eve cocked a brow. “Did you ever wonder why you didn’t get out when you could?”

“I did get out. That’s why I joined the Agency when I did.”

“But the Agency is full of intrigue and backstabbing,” Eve pointed out. “Don’t get me wrong. There are great people at the Agency, but when you work as an operative, you’re always lying to someone. Beck was in that world, too, but I don’t think he was as ready for it as you were.”

“He was excellent at his job.” For some reason she always felt like she needed to defend him.

“No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t able to follow orders in the end,” Eve argued. “There were several cases of his where he went against what he was asked to do.”

“An operative isn’t a soldier. Beck made the best decisions he could.”

“Would you have made the same?”

“No, and I probably would have been wrong.” She sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened between us if we’d met in a regular office. If he’d been an accountant and I’d been the chick who made copies.”

“See, that’s interesting. You put yourself in an inferior position.”

“I’m not here for a session, Eve.”

Eve shrugged. “But you kind of are. It’s what D/s is for a lot of us. It doesn’t have to be some therapy where you process your emotions. Think of it as a session where you attempt to get what you need, whether that be a particular type of stress relief or being able to communicate more intimately with your partner. This kind of play often reveals parts of ourselves we don’t give much consideration to. I find it interesting that you put yourself in a position where Beck is over you even in your fantasies. Is that because you think he needs it?”

The whole conversation was making her uncomfortable. But didn’t she need to figure out why she did this to herself time and time again? Was it comfortable behind her walls? What would she teach her son if she kept this up? She didn’t want Roman to learn to live the way she did. “Maybe it’s because he was teaching a class when I met him.”

“I don’t think so. Did you ever work together?” Eve asked.

She shook her head. “No. He mostly worked alone, and so did I.”

“So once you completed your training, you were equals.”

“Yes.”

“Were you submissive in your marriage?”

She snorted at the thought.

A knowing smile crossed Eve’s face. “I didn’t think so.” She sobered. “So why do you think you imagine yourself as his subordinate?”

When she really looked deep, she knew the answer. “I lied to him. I did it for reasons I thought were good, but I lied. I suppose I feel like I need to make it up to him.”

Eve nodded as though she’d come to the same conclusion. “He’s forgiven you. I don’t believe he wants to punish you in any way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t punish yourself. I’ve found humans are excellent at finding ways to hurt themselves.”

“I can accept that.” She had been in such a bad place. “But I wasn’t punishing myself when I walked away from him in Paris.”

“Weren’t you?”

“Eve, you don’t know the things he said to me. He ripped me apart.”

“And there was a man waiting in shadows to do worse,” Eve argued. “You could have called Ian. You could have told him you wouldn’t spend another minute with Beck.”

She hadn’t even considered making a call. “Ian wasn’t my friend. He was Beck’s.”

“Yes, but Ian understands how people can tear each other apart. He would have sent someone else to be with you. You left for two reasons. You left because you didn’t trust anyone else in the world to help you once Beck had lashed out.”

That was true. “And the other reason?”

Eve reached out and put a hand on hers. “Because everyone who should have loved and protected you in your life betrayed your trust. Your parents. The man you thought was your friend. The man you loved. Because life taught you that you were not worth saving. You walked out because deep down you didn’t care if Levi caught you.”

Kim went quiet. The need to cry was there inside her, but there was a wall between her and that emotional well. A wall she’d erected so many years before. A wall she wasn’t sure she could live without. “Maybe. But I don’t feel that way now. My life changed the minute I found out I was pregnant. I love my son. I can’t live the same way. But I don’t know how to handle having Beck back in my life.”

Eve shifted, sitting back and giving her some space. “The question is can you forgive him. You lied but he walked away. You have to acknowledge that his was the greater infraction. He caused the greater harm. It’s not a contest, but you get to be angry with him.”

“Beck has high standards.”

“I think you’ll find Beck has relaxed a bit over the years. He’s done a lot of work on his anger issues.”

There was far more to the problem. “I guess I don’t understand what he was so angry about. I know his bio dad was a piece of shit, but he spent the majority of his childhood with Ezra’s dad. He was a good guy. His parents loved him. He had a brother who looked up to him like he was some kind of a superhero.”

“Some men don’t need a reason to be angry,” Eve replied. “They’re born with it. It fuels them in a way. But it can eat them up if they don’t figure out how to control it. My husband took something that happened to me and made it about him.”

Kim nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s safe to say Beck did that, too. What he doesn’t want to acknowledge is that Levi would have done this to anyone I fell for. He was incidental.”

“Harsh, but potentially true,” Eve agreed. “Some men struggle to understand anything they can’t control. It was easier for Beck to understand someone coming after him. The same way it was easier for Alex to think about revenge instead of taking care of me. I was the one who’d been assaulted, but Alex focused on punishing my attacker instead of helping me piece myself back together. It took years for me to forgive him, but I did because I love him and I’m happier with him than I ever was without him. Our marriage is far stronger today than it was then.”

“What if it happened again?” It was why she really couldn’t wrap her head around reconciling with him fully.

Eve was silent for a moment. “I believe deep in my heart that Alex would let Ian handle any investigation and he would concentrate on his family. I believe Beck has changed, too.”

Could she love the new Beck? It was a foolish question because she already loved him. She simply wasn’t sure she could trust him. “Charlotte thinks I should move here and pretend like nothing happened.”

“You don’t want to do that, do you?”

“I’ve changed so much. I worry if I stay here, I’ll fall back into the same patterns I used to follow. I didn’t like who I became in the end. I learned to treat it all as a game. I don’t want to be that person again. I know a lot of people would say then don’t be.”

Eve shook her head. “It’s difficult to change your nature. It’s much easier to understand what kind of pressure you can handle and what you can’t. Kim, you need to do what fulfills you. Not what you thought you should do or what would shock your parents. You’re past that, and now you don’t have to worry about Levi. You need to ask yourself what you want.”

“And if it isn’t Beck?” It was a question she wasn’t sure she wanted to answer.

“Then you two need to sit down and figure out how to move forward as parents,” Eve advised. “Before that, I want you to think about giving him the chance to confront how he treated you, to truly see what it did to you. To take that into himself and apologize with his whole heart. You might not want to be his wife again, but he’ll always be Roman’s father. You understand that you don’t owe anyone forgiveness, right? People who transgress against you are not owed your grace. You decide who deserves it. But I think Beck is important enough to you that you do owe him your honest emotion.”

That wasn’t what she’d been expecting from Eve. “I would think the psychologist would tell me forgiveness is important.”

Eve seemed to consider what she said next. “It is, but it’s also important to know that forgiveness is like submission in D/s. You’re in control of it. It comes from you, and you make the decision whether or not to give it. Our society puts pressure on people to forgive even when the transgression cuts so deeply the injured party will never be the same. You can live without forgiving. You can let go of what he did to you without forgiving him. It’s up to you.”

She was sure of one thing. “I’ll never forgive Levi.”

“But the question we’ve been dancing around is the one I had to deal with before I could move on.”

“What’s that?”

“Can you forgive yourself? And that, my friend, is the one forgiveness you might truly owe. I know it sounds crazy but tonight might help you figure out how you want to move forward with Beck if you let it.”

She shook her head. “We agreed this would be a place where we don’t worry about those things.”

Eve went quiet for a moment. “All right. Well, if you want to talk more, my door is open. Beck has Kai. You should have someone to talk to as well. If you don’t feel comfortable with me, I know some great people you could talk to.”

Therapists. Eve thought she needed a therapist. Someone she would pay to be her “friend.”

The door came open and Ariel walked in with River right behind her.

The joy she might have felt at seeing her friends was dimmed by her conversation with Eve. Were they really her friends? Or were they Beck’s, trying to get her to do what Beck wanted?

God, she hated this. She hated not trusting anyone. It was an anchor keeping her in the dark, cold water.

“Just think about it,” Eve said, standing and welcoming the newcomers.

Ariel briefly said hello to everyone, but her focus was on Kim. She came and sat down beside her, reaching for her hand. “Hey, I heard they took Levi into custody. Are you okay?”

She had a choice to make with the woman in front of her.

River was on her other side. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

And the one beside her. Trust. It came so easily to some people. It didn’t to her, but if she never trusted anyone again, how empty would her life be?

Did she want to live in a world where Ariel and River tricked her?

She held Ariel’s hand and leaned her head against River’s shoulder. “I’m okay. I’m relieved it’s over. Now tell me how the trip to the aquarium went.”

River had spent the day showing her sons around Dallas.

She wanted to think about pleasant things.

Because she feared if she let the darkness in, it would swallow her up.

 

* * * *

 

Beck glanced down at Kim. She was doing and saying all the right things, but there was a distance that worried him. They were standing in front of Sanctum’s main stage, watching a scene play out in front of them. Simon Weston was flogging his wife. The big Brit was graceful as he moved the heavy flogger over Chelsea’s back and legs.

“She started with BDSM because she found it helped her deal with the chronic pain in her legs,” he whispered. “Maybe we should try it. One of the things that kept me up at night the last seven years was wondering who was taking care of your leg.”

She didn’t look at him but kept her voice low in deference to the scene in front of them. “Ezra recommended a TENS unit. I use it a couple of times a week. I probably need to buy another one, but I’m fine. I can handle it.”

He moved behind the crowd, gently taking her hand and urging her to come with him. When they were far enough away, he stopped. “I don’t want you to be in pain.”

“I told you. It’s fine.”

“I can get a TENS.” He was actually pretty sure there were several right here in the building.

A blank smile came over her. “Sure. That would be great.”

God, she was so fucking far from him. And all because he’d fucked up this afternoon.

No. It went so much deeper, but they couldn’t get through it if she wouldn’t talk about it. And it was obvious that she didn’t want to talk.

“Let’s go up to a privacy room.”

She simply nodded and followed when he started for the stairs.

She was so fucking gorgeous in the sapphire-colored corset and boy shorts he’d picked for her. Her legs looked a mile long in the stilettos he’d chosen. She loved shoes, and he hated that she’d had to leave them all behind. She walked gracefully in them, like she’d been born wearing the damn things though he knew it was likely something she’d had to learn.

Kim had to learn lots of things. She’d had to learn that she couldn’t depend on anyone but herself. He’d had a hand in teaching her that lesson, and it was up to him to teach her something else.

That he would never leave her. That he would always love her.

Tag nodded his way as they made it to the stairs that would lead them up to the privacy rooms. It was a gesture that let him know Tag understood how hard this was going to be on both of them.

Did he have any right to push her the way he was going to? Should he simply follow her around until she figured out he wasn’t going anywhere and let him back in her heart?

The trouble was he wasn’t sure she would. He wasn’t sure she wouldn’t run the first chance she got, and then he would be out. He knew she wouldn’t keep Roman from him, and her moving back to Europe wouldn’t be about making things hard on him. All those moves would be about protecting herself.

He needed her to understand that she needed no protection from him. Not anymore.

He led her upstairs. The dungeon monitor let them onto the floor where the privacy rooms were located. He was a big guy who manned the floor that held five privacy rooms. Beck hadn’t been up here to play. This afternoon had been his first visit since he’d taken the original tour. He’d been struck by the sign on the monitor’s desk.

Carpe Noctem.

Seize the Night.

That was what he was planning on doing. Seize the night so he and Kim could have all their days together.

It was quieter on the third floor, the thud of the music now a distant thing. The minute the door closed on the room he’d selected, he felt the heavy weight of being alone with her.

This would either work or she would hate him more than she did now.

He didn’t want to live in a world where she hated him.

“Did you like the scenes we watched?” Beck checked the tray he’d prepped earlier, making sure he hadn’t missed anything.

“I did. The rope was pretty. I don’t know that my arms could be in that position for long though.” She walked around the room, running her hand over the wood of the St. Andrew’s Cross. This particular room was decorated for heavier scenes. “Are all the rooms the same?”

“No,” he replied. “They’re all different. They serve different functions. There’s one room that’s nothing more than a big bedroom.”

“Is that the one Ezra’s staying in?”

He’d almost managed to forget his brother was hanging around somewhere. “Maybe. I hope Tag hid the butt plugs or the good father is going to be shocked.”

She sent him a look that let him know he was on thin ice. “He’s not a prude.”

Unfortunately, she was just going to have to get used to how he and his brother communicated. “I thought that was part of his job now.”

“And I thought you were getting along.”

He had to grin at that. “You forget how we were before he died. We’re brothers. We give each other shit. We are better. I promise. But I hope he’s not right next door to us. It would be weird to walk out in my leathers and see my brother trying to get ice or something.”

He got his first smile out of her. “It’s not a motel.”

“No, it’s way kinkier than any motel. But there is an ice machine on this floor. There’s a tiny pantry because a couple of members are into food play. Also, as we’ve seen with Ezra, Tag often stashes people he wants to hide here.”

“It seems to be a theme,” Kim replied. “Does Big Tag have a thing about multiuse spaces? He seems to think all BDSM clubs should also be safe houses. Maybe he thinks the bad guys will be scared off by all the leather.”

He loved joking with her, but tonight it was a way to distance herself. He could see it in the blandness of her expression. “Or he knows how to use lube as a weapon, and there’s plenty of that here.” He had everything he needed. He couldn’t put it off anymore, but he could give her one last chance. “Do you want to change rooms? We can sit and talk in one of the bedrooms.”

A stubborn look crossed her face. “I’m fine with this one. It looks like fun.”

She was going to fight him until the end. “Excellent. Then take off your clothes.”

“I don’t know that I would call them clothes,” she snarked.

He wasn’t having that tonight. It all started here and now. He picked up the paddle he’d bought for her. “Turn around and lean over. We’ll start with five.”

Her eyes widened. “Why?”

“Now it’s ten.”

She huffed but turned around and reached for her ankles. It gave him the most gorgeous view of her ass. “I’m going to take it this is about sarcasm.”

“It’s mostly about wanting to spank your pretty ass and make it red.” He put a hand on the small of her back and gave her ten rapid smacks. He wasn’t playing around. He wanted her to feel it.

Physical pain to release the emotional pain. And he would be the bad guy.

But then wasn’t he always the bad guy with her?

“Watch your mouth while we’re playing. I’m due respect in this place.” He knew he sounded like an asshole, but that was the point.

She stood up straight. “Respect. Got it.”

Oh, she was on the edge, and he prayed they got through this. He knew exactly what had pushed her to this point. He’d reverted to form earlier in the day, and she suspected that was the truth about him—that the asshole who’d torn her up was still there just waiting to be set free by a single misstep.

He saw the moment she decided to play a part with him. Her expression softened as she turned around and offered him her back. She looked over her shoulder, her hair tumbling down. “Is it all right to ask you to help me? Or should I do it all on my own?”

She wanted the sex and she meant to get it without any of the scary emotions he wanted between them. He moved in and put his hands on her shoulders, easing her hair to one side so he could kiss the nape of her neck. It wasn’t fair. What he was going to do to her wasn’t fair. It wasn’t what they’d agreed on, but if he didn’t try, he would lose her. Maybe he deserved to lose her, but he worried that he was the last stop on the road her heart had been on since she was a child. If he failed to get to her, she might never open herself up again, and he couldn’t live knowing Kim was alone.

“You deserve the whole world, you know,” he whispered.

He felt her muscles go tight. “Sure, Beck.”

He took a deep breath and hardened himself. He quickly got her out of the corset, setting it aside. “Take off the panties. If you have a comment about them, keep it to yourself. And take off the shoes.”

They were one more bit of armor, and he wasn’t leaving her with any tonight.

“But I…” She stopped as though realizing saying anything more would put off getting to the place she wanted to be. She stepped out of the shoes and handed them to him.

With the four-inch heels, they were almost eye to eye. Without them, he could loom over her.

When she handed him the underwear he’d selected for her, she stood in front of him naked, and her eyes had gone soft again. She was like a caged cat, testing every inch of the fence she found herself in for weaknesses.

“Back up to the St. Andrew’s Cross. We’ll start there,” he said, paying no attention at all to the sex she was exuding.

He wanted her more than he could say, but her soul was more important than her body.

He started to tie her to the cross and prayed they came out of this night whole.