Chapter Seventeen

 

 

Frustration was starting to get to her. She gently pulled against the ties that bound her to the X-like cross. She’d thought she would be facing the cross like Chelsea had during her scene with her husband, but Beck had turned her around.

She didn’t like it this way. She’d been excited when she’d thought he would flog her back and legs like the scene. But he’d proven that he didn’t like gentle suggestions tonight.

He was so freaking sexy in those leather pants with ties that would make it super easy for him to release his cock when it was time for him to fuck her. He’d worn a leather vest that showed off his chest and abs, but he’d just taken it off. He was dressed for sex, a decadent walking sex toy, but he seemed determined to make her wait.

But then this was all a game, and she had to play it if she wanted mind-blowing orgasms. That was the goal.

Life was transactional. That was what she’d reminded herself of all afternoon. You had to pay for anything in life, and playing Beck’s mind games were the price of her pleasure.

He stared at her for a moment, looking her up and down, his eyes hot on her body.

Maybe he wouldn’t take so long after all.

He stepped up and came so close she could practically feel the heat coming off his skin. “I’m going to introduce you to some toys.”

She bit back a groan. She wanted him to touch her.

A brow cocked over his eyes. “Unless there’s something you want to talk about.”

He seemed to want to push her tonight. She knew why. He wanted to talk about what had happened this afternoon, but there was nothing to talk about. He was the same old Beck.

Except the same old Beck would have been more than happy with her ignoring what he’d done. In fact, the same old Beck would have never apologized. He would have thought he was right and been stubborn as hell about her agreeing with him.

“All right.” She was here to explore her sexuality. That included more than mere orgasms.

“I wonder how long you’ll be this agreeable,” he murmured. His fingertips came up and brushed against her nipples. A shiver raced across her skin.

“I thought that was the point.” She wished he would blindfold her. Then she could concentrate on nothing more than the sensations he could pull from her body.

“The point of D/s for most couples is to find greater intimacy. To learn to communicate better. I wouldn’t know because you’re my first submissive. So far my only experience has been to give my partners what they need.”

He’d given her an excellent opening. “I need sex.”

His fingertips twisted her nipple, sending a delicious sensation through her. “And you’ll get it. Do you know what your job is?”

“To do what you tell me to do.”

He sighed and stepped back, turning away from her and walking over to the tray he’d checked out when they’d entered the room.

She wasn’t sure how much she liked this room. It was on the cold side. There were none of the romantic trappings they’d had when they’d been in the dungeon of The Velvet Collar. Even earlier downstairs, there had been a softness to the place. Perhaps because she’d been surrounded by all those happy couples and singles who were perfectly comfortable with themselves. There had been a joy that had surrounded her.

Once again the idea of family played through her brain. It was a weird kinky family, but it was a family all the same. Beck’s family.

Beck got everything. Beck fucked her over and still managed to find a place in the world while she was left all alone.

That was not what she was thinking about tonight. She wasn’t thinking at all.

It would be so much easier if he would get on with it.

When he turned around he had what looked like earrings in his hands. “That’s because you don’t understand D/s. And maybe because neither one of us truly understood marriage.”

“I don’t want to talk about our marriage.”

If that bothered him, he didn’t show it. “D/s only works if it’s a two-way street. Now that two-way street might look different to a lot of people, but at the end of the day, an intimate, long-term D/s relationship has to be about both parties getting what they need and communicating about what those needs are. The Dominant works hard to meet the sub’s needs, and the sub does the same for the Dom. It’s not enough for the Dom to worship the sub. All that does is put the sub on a pedestal, and those tend to topple over. These are nipple clamps.”

She wanted to argue that she knew what he was trying to do, but he was holding up the earrings, and they were not meant for her ears. He showed her the clamp that would hold the jewelry in place. They would bite into her nipples. They would hurt.

She kind of craved them. “You’re going to put them on me to sensitize my nipples?”

She would ignore all the stuff she didn’t want to hear.

His frown told her he knew what she was doing, but he moved on anyway. “I’m going to put them on you so you’ll be very aware of your breasts. They’ll go numb at some point, but when I take them off, you’ll get a hard rush of pain that I think is going to do something for you. You’ve got a masochistic streak. It’s okay to indulge it. To a point.”

“Yes, I think I can look back and say my masochism has gotten me in trouble many times. It’s certainly kept me hanging around when I shouldn’t.” Fuck. She hadn’t meant to say that.

He cupped her breast with that big palm of his. She didn’t have petite breasts, but Beck could hold her in one hand. “Good. That’s honest. I think you’ll find I reward honesty.”

He dropped to one knee and leaned over, sucking her nipple in between his lips.

She gasped and felt heat curl through her system, making her hold on to the rope that bound her wrists. It was over all too soon and he was straightening up.

He gently pinched her nipple again, twisting it before he slipped the clamp on. It bit into her flesh and made her grit her teeth, but there was something about the pain that made her hot, too. She could feel it in her pussy, feel herself getting slick and wet.

“I’ve got a bit of a sadistic streak when it comes to you, my love,” Beck admitted. “But I promise I’m going to keep it to the dungeon from now on.”

“What are you talking about?”

He cupped her other breast, giving it the same treatment. “I’m talking about taking my anger out on the one person I should protect above all others. Except Roman. He’s up there with you. I’m saying I don’t ever want to hurt you the way I did. I’ve worked hard for seven years to make sure I don’t. You’re safe with me.”

Safe? She’d thought she was safe with him and the minute she’d proven inconvenient he’d tossed her aside like a piece of fucking garbage. His words made her stop.

His actions made her body go liquid. He was kissing her breast, biting it softly and getting her ready for the clamp.

She hissed when the teeth bit into her nipple. She wanted to sink into the feeling, to float along, but he was being every bit the sadist he claimed to be. “Fuck you, Beck.”

His eyes were on her breasts, as though studying his work. “I didn’t think I got the clamps too tight. Did I?”

He was such a bastard. “Stop talking about the past.”

His eyes came up, holding hers. “Fine. Let’s talk about your clit.”

That was better. It was certainly a safer subject. And it was good to know he wasn’t serious. If Beck was serious about something, he rarely let himself be sidetracked. “My clit wouldn’t mind some attention.”

He turned and she was treated to a delicious view of his back. His strong back. When they’d been married she would wrap her arms around him and feel the muscles of his back, the long line of his spine, and she had felt safe with him.

She wanted to feel that way, but how stupid would she be if she walked back into that fire again?

You’re playing around the edges. You know you’ll fall in and you’ll burn up this time.

Beck had gone to the mystery tray again, and this time he came back with a chain in his hands. “This is for you, too.”

She gasped as he gently pulled on the ring of her clamp and attached one end of the chain. When he attached the second part of the chain, he released it and she felt the drag against her nipples. She bit her lip against the ache the weight caused.

It brought her right back to that nice place where she didn’t worry about anything but how good it felt to have Beck touch her. She still had hours before she would have to even think about the future again.

“I thought we were supposed to talk about my clit.” Every word made the chain move slightly, and she felt it in her nipples.

He moved in, his left hand disappearing while his right came up around her throat. “I would never forget your clit.”

Her whole body reacted to the buzzing sensation that simulated her clit when he ran his finger across her pussy. “What the hell?”

“It’s a small vibe that fits on my finger. But what it lacks in size, it makes up in power.”

Her breasts bounced and she was trapped between the pleasure from the vibe and the bite at her nipples.

“Oh, you like that, don’t you?” He was looking right into her eyes, that gaze of his piercing her.

She liked how close he was, that she could almost kiss him. She loved how she was on the edge, caught between pleasure and a pain that defined the pleasure in a way she’d never felt before.

God, she could get in so deep with this. If they could have this…maybe they could keep a small connection. Maybe.

“You won’t let me talk about the past, so let’s talk about the future,” he whispered. “I want you to stay with me in Dallas.”

She shook her head to clear it because that wasn’t what she’d expected. “What?”

She shuddered as he stroked her with the vibe.

“I want to throw out the three-month thing. We don’t need it. We need to acknowledge that we were always supposed to be together.”

“Again with the fuck you.” What was he trying to do?

He sighed and stepped back, taking away the pleasure part of her torture. His hand came up and he gently pulled on the chain, making pain flare through her nipples. “No cursing. Not unless the fuck is used kindly. Like fuck me Beck, or I need to fuck you. Those fucks are acceptable. Anything else will get you punished.”

“You said we only live in the moment here. We’re not supposed to talk about anything but sex.”

He was gorgeous when he frowned. “I think that was our problem in the first place. We didn’t talk enough. Kim, I love you, but beyond that I know you. I know what you’re planning. You want to take this time with me so you can tell yourself and Roman that you tried, but you’ve already checked out.”

That was too close to the truth. “I’m here, asshole. What more do you want?”

He winced and suddenly he was pulling the chain again. “We only talk about pretty assholes and how fun it would be to fuck yours.”

She was thinking he wouldn’t ever see her pussy again, much less her asshole. “Are you into that now?”

He moved in and touched his forehead to hers. “I’m into everything about you. I want us to be together in any way that brings us both pleasure. But I can’t do that if you won’t open up to me.”

This wasn’t going how she’d thought it would and everything she’d talked to Eve about threatened to bubble over. She couldn’t do this with him. “Maybe you should untie me. You said you wouldn’t use this time to rehash our relationship.”

Without the vibe, her nipples ached with nothing to balance them, but that reminded her what life with Beck had been like. Pleasure and pain. Mostly pain.

Except the last few days had felt like a new beginning.

He kissed her forehead. “I can’t treat this like sex. I know I said I would, but it’s too important. I love you. You’re in my soul and I’m empty without you. If you don’t want to talk here, let’s go to therapy and talk it all out there.”

He was pushing her every button. “You want to relive some past history, Beck? You’re such a hypocrite, and you don’t even realize it. You get me all hot and bothered and then think I’ll do anything to please you?”

“No,” he replied. “It’s the attempt of a desperate man. Say you’ll go with me and I’ll do my best to get this scene back on track.”

He wanted to bargain? When he’d just broken their last one? “Or it’s proof that you never change. Not ever.”

His eyes were oddly soft as he stepped back. “How do I not change?”

Apparently she had to say it. Maybe it would feel good to say it. She was naked and clamped, and he’d done it all to her. “You’re always a bastard. You’re the one who tells someone you want them and then it turns out to be a trick.”

“That’s not all I did.”

Was she falling right into his trap? “No.”

“Say it, Kimberly,” he said quietly. “Say what I did to you.”

She wasn’t going to do anything he told her to. “Fuck you.”

He stepped in and lowered his head to her forehead, cupping her cheeks and whispering to her. “You can’t heal until you acknowledge the wound.”

Had he been talking to Eve? Was this one big conspiracy to force her into fucking therapy? “Let me out.”

He didn’t move, simply kept stroking her hair. “Baby, you can walk away from me. Maybe I don’t deserve a second chance, but you do. You deserve a chance to find a man who doesn’t hurt you, who stands by you no matter what. I want to be that man, but more than that, I need to know if that man shows up, you’ll give him a chance.”

She was not doing this with him. No. He was being a manipulative fucker and she wasn’t doing this. He didn’t get to put her in a damn corner. “Let me out. This is over. Get these stupid things off me and untie me and I am leaving. Do you understand? Roman and I are going to be on a plane tomorrow and you can fuck yourself.”

“I don’t want that. I’m trying so hard to avoid that.” There was a stubborn gleam in his eyes. “If you get on a plane, I’ll be behind you. You need to understand that. I won’t leave you again. Even if you never let yourself love me again, I’ll be your friend.”

“You were never my friend. You wanted to use me until I proved I wasn’t worthy of you.”

“I was cruel to you.”

She wanted him to fight, wanted him to argue that he’d been justified. The fact that he was agreeing with her made her even madder. “Get me out of these ties, Beck. I’m not playing with you this way one second longer.”

But the thought of not getting one last night out of him threatened to break her.

He looked like he wanted to argue. “Please talk to me. We can’t go on this way. We have to find a way through this.”

“I told you what I wanted. Or was this one more trick? Beck gets what he wants. Beck gets to do whatever he wants and everyone forgives him. Beck fucks me over and still comes out of it with a family. I do everything I can to save his brother and do you know what I get?”

“Left alone. You get left alone.” He smoothed back her hair. “If I’d reacted differently you might have trusted me enough to tell me the secret.”

She struggled against the bonds, needing desperately to fight something because he was so close to the truth. “If you’d shown one moment of love to me, I would have told you. I would have broken my promise to Ezra. Do you know how alone I felt? Do you think I wanted all that responsibility? I had to smuggle him out of a foreign country. I had to keep the fact that he was alive a secret or he would have been killed. Do you think I wanted to fucking do it alone?”

“No.” He was staring down at her, a stark look on his face. “No. You didn’t. You saved my brother and I never thanked you. All I did was tear you apart. I made you the bad guy because I didn’t know how to handle my grief. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I’d lost most of my family by that point. My stepdad. My brother. My mom was sick. It was good to be angry with you. It was good to lose you, Kim, because if I went ahead and broke off that piece of myself, I could get on with my life. If I could cut you out of my heart, I didn’t have to mourn you, too.”

“You fucking coward.” The world had gone watery and she couldn’t even feel her nipples anymore. “I’m doing it. I’m saying my safe word. You let me out of here right now.”

A hollow look came into his eyes. “Kim, please…”

She was going to have to use his language. “Red. That’s my safe word. Get me out of these bindings or I’ll make sure Tag never lets you in this club again.”

“I won’t come here without you,” he said, but his hands were working the ties that held her to the cross. “I won’t be here without you. Baby, we need to talk.”

Naturally now he wanted to talk. And Beck always got his way. Always. “I tried it for years after our divorce. You didn’t want to talk to me then. You could have turned to me. I loved you so much I would have moved heaven and earth to help you. But you didn’t. You were scared? That’s your excuse?”

He moved to her other hand. “It’s not an excuse. There is no excuse. And at the time I didn’t think I was scared. I was angry at the world, and I took it out on you. I truly believed you made the mistake that cost my brother his life. I should have talked to you. I should have given you a chance.”

She was free, but she didn’t feel that way. Rage poured through her. He’d ruined it all again. She felt so stupid. “We could have had this, Beck. We could have had this one connection, but you can’t accept anything less than full submission, can you? This has all been bullshit. This has all been a way to get what you want.”

“Let me help you out of the clamps, baby.”

She wasn’t letting him do anything for her. She reached up and released the clamps, wincing as the pain hit her. It pulsed through her, oddly reminding her of everything she’d wanted out of the evening, everything he’d denied her.

“Damn it,” Beck said. “That had to hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She threw the clamps at him, hitting him in the shoulder with one and narrowly missing his head with the other. “You should have been the one wearing them. I don’t have to submit to you.”

He stared for a moment. “Okay. You can put them on me if you want. You can tie me to that cross and use every toy in this room on me. There’s some cock and ball torture toys in the closet.”

Her nipples ached and she knew she should take her clothes and leave, but she watched as he kicked off his boots and worked the ties of his leathers. He shoved them off and tossed them to the side. She heard something ping against the tray, but she was staring at him as he moved around her.

He went to the cross and laid his arms against the ties. “Do it. You do whatever you want to me. I deserve it and I want it. If you want me to submit to you every night for the rest of my life, I’ll do it.”

She laughed, but it wasn’t because she was amused. It was because the entire thought was ridiculous. “You want me to torture your balls?”

“If that’s what it takes to get you to forgive me. Yes. It’ll hurt so much less than losing you again, than losing this chance we have at making a family together.”

They’d lost that chance years before. “You threw that away. You threw me away.”

He nodded. “I did. I did all of it and more, and I am begging you to not be as cruel as I was. I’m begging you to do what I couldn’t. Be brave. Be Kim. Be the best part of us.”

Us. For so many years she’d wanted to be a part of an us. No. Not any us. She’d wanted to be part of Kim and Beck.

Why did it have to be this man? Why?

“Please, Kim. I’ll do anything. I’ve spent seven years working to figure out how to be the man you need.”

He was naked and vulnerable. He had tears in his eyes.

“Are you doing this for Roman?” It would be okay. She could handle it.

“I didn’t know Roman even existed.” He brought his hands down, his shoulders slumping. “I went into therapy for you. Because I wanted to be ready if I got another shot. Let’s try couple’s therapy. We don’t have to do anything but talk.”

Talking was where he would get her.

“I meant what I said. If it’s not me, then I want there to be someone for you. You deserve it. I fucked up. I fucked up my life. I fucked up your life. God, I fucked up the life we could have had, but I promise I will dedicate the rest of my life to making sure you’re happy.”

It was everything she’d longed to hear from him. It was all she’d ever wanted out of life—to have someone who loved her and she could love back.

But they’d missed their chance. Hadn’t they?

She shook her head and backed up. And pain flared across her foot. She bent down and picked up what she’d stepped on. A ring. She knew that ring. She held it in her palm. “I thought you threw it away.”

His wedding ring.

“I couldn’t. I’ve carried it with me pretty much everywhere I’ve gone. At first to remind me of what went wrong, and later to remind me you were still out there in the world and we still had a chance. Kim, I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

She stared down at that ring and remembered the vows he’d made, the promises he hadn’t kept.

She’d never loved anyone the way she did Beck. Roman had opened her heart to a different kind of love, but it had been Beck who’d haunted her dreams.

She tossed the ring aside. She would have her one last night with him.

She walked right up to him and kissed him, pressing her aching nipples against his chest. She wanted the pain, wanted it to balance out the pleasure, to remind her that there would always be pain with this man.

Who gets out of this life without pain? Even as his arms encircled her and he held her with a desperation she could feel, her mind was working.

She didn’t owe Beck anything. Not forgiveness. Not another chance. She didn’t owe Roman anything but to be civil to his father and accommodate their relationship.

“God, I’ll never get used to having you in my arms again.” Beck’s hands moved across her back and down to her ass where he cupped her and pressed her against his body. “It’s like I was missing a piece of myself.”

He kissed her again, his tongue going deep, sliding against hers and bringing her right back to aroused as hell, though this time it was tinged with deep emotion. There had been something so good about telling him how she’d felt all these years.

She could feel his cock, long and hard against her belly.

What did she owe to herself?

Did she owe herself one last chance at happiness? Should she simply take every chance she had, never giving up on finding what she needed? Never shutting herself off?

Never giving in and truly becoming the Solo she’d been on track to be when she’d found Beck. The Solo who needed no one, cared for nothing but her own ambition. She’d joined the Agency because she’d wanted the cold precision it offered, wanted to numb herself out, and hadn’t it been irony that she’d found the one man who could tear down all her walls.

Did she really want to live behind walls for the rest of her life?

She let her arms wrap around him and she surrendered to the inevitable. She loved him. She didn’t want to stop loving him. Maybe if she could have stayed away from him… No, if he hadn’t come back into her life, she’d been ready to live it strictly for Roman. She hadn’t even wanted another man, hadn’t wanted this connection with anyone but Beck.

But she owed herself more. If she was going to try, she was going to do it her way. “I’m not living here in Dallas. There’s some place else I want to be.”

He backed her up against the wall, right next to the cross where he’d bound her, trying to force her to break.

Because sometimes a person had to break down to build back up again. To be stronger. To want more.

“Anywhere,” he vowed. “I’ll go anywhere with you.”

She felt the wall against her back as he pressed her there. He positioned her so his cock was rubbing against her clit, and she was so aware he wasn’t wearing that piece of latex that he usually would. “You can’t work for McKay-Taggart if you’re not in one of their cities.”

He pulled her leg up, urging her to wind herself around him. “I’ll get another job. Or I’ll become a stay-at-home dad. I don’t care. My job will be loving you, building a future with you. I love you so much.”

She couldn’t say it back. “I don’t know if I can ever fully love you again.”

“I’ll make you believe. I’ll make you believe in me again, in us. All I need is a chance. Give us a chance. I won’t let you down this time.” He winced and started to pull away. “I’ve got to…”

She lightly dug her nails in, holding him tight. “I want more kids. I want Roman to have a brother or a sister.”

If she was in, she was going all in. She wanted everything they should have had the first time. She waited for him to argue with her, to tell her they needed time to adjust. It was what the old Beck would have done. It was precisely why they hadn’t had a kid back then. She’d wanted to step back from work, and he’d wanted to give it a little time.

She’d learned time was the one thing she couldn’t get back.

“I know I should argue, but I won’t ever make you wait again,” he promised. “Hold on to me.”

She wrapped her arms around him and gasped as he entered her in one powerful thrust.

The little pains in her nipples and on her ass were incidental now. All that mattered was how good it was to have Beck inside her once again.

She would try. She would give them another chance. If he would really let her decide where they lived, where they worked, then he’d changed.

“You can’t leave me again,” she said as the pleasure started to build inside her.

“Never. We’ll fight it out. No matter what, we’ll stay together,” he promised and then he kissed her again, letting his mouth take hers, drinking down the shout that came as she went over the edge.

He ground out his own orgasm and held her tight.

They were still for a moment. She breathed him in.

“I’m still mad at you,” she said quietly. “But I’m not going anywhere.”

He nuzzled her neck. “I’ll take it because I am so in love with you.”

She kissed him, content with her choice. They would see where they went from here.