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LIV HAD NEVER FELT so alone.
It was as though she was going through the motions of her life, without actually taking part. There was a screen between her and the real world, and she didn’t know how to break through it. Ellen wasn’t speaking to her. The only person she had was Michael, and she wasn’t sure she could trust who she was with him.
It was strange being in the flat, but she didn’t know where else to go. Everywhere she looked, she saw Tammy’s belongings. What would happen to them? She guessed Tammy’s mum would send for them at some point, but that was probably the least of their concerns right now. The poor woman must be reeling in shock and grief. Liv wished she had some way of contacting her, to tell her how sorry she was, and ask if there was anything else she could do—box up some of her stuff, perhaps. But she didn’t want it to look as though she was trying to get rid of Tammy’s belongings. She could always look through her things and see if there was an address book or something else that might have her family’s contact details, but even with Tammy dead, it felt wrong to rifle through her private things.
At some point, she’d need to think about all the practical side of things as well, about how she no longer had a flatmate to split the rent and bills with. There was no way she could afford this place on her own—she’d go broke within a couple of months—and even if she could afford it, the atmosphere in the flat was haunted now, and she wasn’t sure that was something she’d ever get over.
Michael came over after work. She didn’t really want him there, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask him to leave. Everything Ellen had said was playing on her mind, and she wanted some space to process what had happened.
He came up behind her as she stirred pasta sauce on the stove. His arm wrapped around her waist, and he planted a kiss on the side of her neck. But she froze at his contact, and he pulled away.
“What’s wrong?”
She didn’t want to tell him, worried he’d hate Ellen for it, and things would get even more awkward between them all when they made up, but, as always when she was around Michael, she couldn’t seem to help herself.
“You mean other than my flatmate apparently killing herself a few days ago?” Her voice was laced in bitterness.
Michael pressed his lips together and folded his arms across his chest. “You know what I’m asking, Olivia.”
“Ellen and I had a fight,” she admitted reluctantly.
“Oh? What about?”
“You. She thinks there’s something off about you, and she thinks I should put some distance between us.”
She hated the way the words came tripping off her tongue. It was as though all he needed was to fix her in that dark gaze and command her to tell him, and she’d have no choice but to do it. She’d seen him do that same thing to others—like when that man had tried to take the black cab. All it had taken was a few words from Michael, and the other man had backed right off. She didn’t know how he managed to do that.
His eyes narrowed. “She thinks you should put some distance between us? Who the hell does she think she is, trying to come between us? Just because her relationship failed doesn’t mean she has to destroy yours, too.”
“She’s not trying to destroy us.”
“Yeah, right. Misery loves company, isn’t that what they say? She just wants you all to herself. How about we turn this around on her and we make it so she’s the one who needs some distance?”
Prickles of unease crawled up Liv’s arms. “What are you saying?”
“You should stay away from Ellen. She’s bad news.”
Liv shook her head. “No, she’s my best friend. She’s my only real friend.”
“She’s no good for you. Stay away from her.”
She could feel the intensity of his gaze, how he always locked her in his dark stare and then told her exactly what he wanted her to do. She felt it now, something deep inside her pushing her to agree with what he wanted.
Behind her, the pasta sauce was starting to burn, and she reached back and turned off the stove.
“I think we should stop seeing each other.” The words came out of nowhere, her heart beating so hard it made her lightheaded and nauseated. “This isn’t working out.”
His expression grew tight, as though the muscles in his cheeks, jaw, and forehead might pop out of his skin. “What?”
His dark eyes focused on her, and she took another hitching breath.
“I don’t think we should see each other again,” she forced herself to say.
His upper lip curled, and he slowly shook his head. “No.”
“No? What do you mean, ‘no?’”
“You don’t get to finish with me.”
“Yes, yes, I do.” She had to stick to her guns, but she felt him drawing her in.
“That would be a mistake, Olivia. Is this just because of what Ellen said? You’re allowed to have two separate worlds, you know. Before this, I never told you to stay away from your friends, but they’re allowed to tell you to stay away from me? Doesn’t that make them the bad ones? The controlling ones?”
You just did tell me to stay away from Ellen, she thought but didn’t say.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “This is all too much. I just need some space.”
He stepped in, and she reared back, but he took her chin in his fingers and lifted her face to his. “Tell me you don’t mean it.”
“What?” She was frozen in his grasp.
“Tell me you don’t want us to break up.”
He’d locked her in his stare again, and she could feel the urge to give in to what he wanted. She fought to keep her tongue still and not allow him to influence what she did and thought. Because that was exactly what he was doing. She didn’t know how—if it was a kind of hypnosis or something else—but he was making her do and say things she didn’t want to.
“How do you do that?” she said, staring up at him, his face swimming through her unshed tears. She’d heard of songs that got stuck in your head referred to as ear worms. That was what Michael’s voice was like. An ear worm that drilled into her brain until she had no choice but to give in or lose her mind.
“Do what?”
“I don’t know. You suggest things and they just feel right to me, even though I was thinking the exact opposite only moments before.”
“I don’t know. Maybe you simply don’t have much conviction in your own thoughts.”
She yanked her chin out of his grip. “But I do! With anyone else, I do. But then I come up against you, and it’s like I can’t hold my own thoughts in my head. You tell me something, and I just believe it, or do it.”
“Perhaps you need to be a little stronger.”
Her chest swelled with righteous indignation. “This has nothing to do with me. This is something you’re doing!”
A small line appeared beneath his brows. “Do you really believe that, Livvy? Do you know how insane that sounds?”
A horrific thought entered her head. “Did you do something to Tammy and that other woman? Did you tell them to do something to themselves?”
“Yeah, I told them to go kill themselves, and they did it.” His tone was filled with sarcasm, but she knew it hid the truth. “Not everyone is as suggestible as you, Livvy.”
“Fuck you!”
He grabbed her arm, staring hard into her eyes. Liv squeezed her eyes shut, but she knew it wasn’t enough. The way he captured her in his gaze was only a part of what he did. It was his words that conjured the magic, that wove their way into her brain and played over and over and over until she eventually gave in to them. It was the only way to silence his voice—by doing what he wanted. Was that how the other women felt—Holly Newie and Tammy, too? Did he tell them to hurt themselves until they eventually gave in and did it?
“Maybe you’re the one who should have killed herself,” he spat.
She stared at him, unable to believe what she’d just heard. “What?”
The handsome, charismatic man she’d known had vanished. His face was contorted into a slash of anger and hatred. “You heard me. Stupid bitch like you. You’re worthless. Thinking you’re better than me. Acting all suspicious just because I happened to drop in and pick up a jacket. Are you even hearing yourself? You’re insane. Those pills you take clearly aren’t doing the job. Put an end to your misery and finish it for the good of all of us. No wonder your flatmate killed herself. She probably couldn’t stand to be around you any longer.”
Liv snatched her hands out of his grasp, but the damage was already done. He shot her a final look of disgust before he turned and stormed from the flat.
But his words stayed with her.
Kill yourself.
Put an end to your misery.
Finish it.
Over and over they rolled in her head, until she was unable to think anything else. Tears seeped from the corners of her eyes, spilling down her face. No, no, no. Was this how he did it? How he’d got rid of the other two? Had he told Tammy the same thing when he’d been here on Friday, and she’d been compelled to take her own life?
She knew thinking such a thing was crazy, yet the words continued to work their way into her head. He had a kind of power over others, and she wasn’t strong enough to defend herself against it.
He was right, and he didn’t even know about her past, about the terrible thing she’d done. She brought nothing to this world.
With her thoughts a cyclone inside her head, her feet took her to the bathroom. It would all be over then. The idea of sweet nothingness felt like bliss. Just for it all to end. All the running and the fighting. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t contemplated it before. There had been plenty of times when she’d thought it would be for the best, and now here she was again. A full circle.
Thoughts of Michael went from her mind. Instead, these were her thoughts now, her ideas. How should she do it? Tablets? She had plenty of pills, including some strong sleeping tablets. But she knew the chance of throwing them all up before they’d done the job was high.
Disposable razors caught her eye in her medicine cabinet. She could smash one open, and cut, cut, cut. Yes, that seemed right to her, somehow. It balanced things within her, calming her mind. She deserved to be punished for everything, and for that punishment to be at her own hands resonated with her.
That didn’t stop her hand from trembling as she reached into the medicine cabinet and took down the razor. It was brand new, the piece of clear plastic still covering the blades for protection. She slipped the piece of plastic off and let it drop into the sink then looked around for something to smash the head of the razor. Her toothbrush holder was a grey marble pot and should be heavy enough. She flung the toothbrush to one side—it wasn’t as though she’d need it again—and placed the disposable razor face up on the side of the sink. With the toothbrush holder in one hand, holding the end of the razor steady in the other, she brought the marble pot down hard. The plastic cracked, the vibration travelling up her arm, but it wasn’t enough. With teeth gritted, she brought the pot down again and again, slamming the marble into the plastic and metal until the plastic was no more than fragmented pieces and the slivers of razorblades lay discarded between them.
Liv’s heart caught and her eyes filled with tears as she pushed the pieces of shattered plastic to one side and picked up one of the blades. When she thought of everything that had happened, it seemed only right that things would end like this. What was the point in her keeping going? She was all alone now—she’d even managed to drive her best friend away because of her short temper and loose tongue. No one was going to miss her when she was gone. Everyone would continue with their lives, regardless.
Though she knew it was the right thing to do, that didn’t stop misery and regret filling her soul. She blinked back tears, and sniffed, and brought the sharp edge of the blade to the skin of her inner wrist. It was going to hurt, but she deserved that, too. After all the pain she’d caused other people, it was only right that the last thing she experienced was anguish herself.
Liv dug her teeth into her lower lip, squeezed her eyes shut so she didn’t have to watch what she was doing, and brought the blade across her skin.