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OLIVIA LAY ON THE NARROW bed of her hospital room, staring up at the ceiling.
She was feeling better now, though the drugs they gave her dulled her senses and made it so she didn’t quite feel like herself. The doctors told her it wouldn’t be forever, just long enough to make sure the drugs were working, and then they’d be able to start to reduce the dosage again.
It wasn’t so bad here. She was allowed to feed the fish kept in a tank in the common room and help serve up the meals, as long as she made sure each patient got the same amount and didn’t play favourites. Liv didn’t have any favourites. She kept herself distant from everyone else, knowing her and friendships didn’t mix so well. It was fine. She was happy with her own company.
A knock came at her door, and she half sat.
“You have a visitor, Olivia,” said one of the nurses.
She sat up straighter. Her parents had been here a few days earlier, and she wasn’t expecting anyone else.
Olivia climbed off the bed and left her room to go to the common room where the patients met with visitors.
Her heart jolted as she spotted a familiar blonde head. As though she’d sensed her enter, Ellen turned in her seat.
The two women locked eyes, and Liv’s breath caught. She’d come here to see her, but what would she say? Would it be anger and accusations? She couldn’t blame Ellen if she hated her and was furious with her. After what she’d done, she deserved it, but that didn’t make it any easier to take.
Olivia took a seat opposite her ex-best friend. “You’ve come to see me?”
Ellen nodded. “Yes, I have. This doesn’t mean we’re friends, though.”
“Then why are you here?”
Ellen gave a shrug. “I’m not sure. Closure, I guess. I wanted to see how you were. I understand that you were sick and you didn’t do what you did to hurt me.”
Tears filled Liv’s eyes. She’d cried so much over the past six weeks. Even the numbness from the drugs hadn’t been able to stop the tears. “I’m so sorry, Elles. I should have got help sooner. If I’d realised, I would have. I swear to you. There were signs, and I shouldn’t have ignored them, but I didn’t do it intentionally.”
She nodded. “I know that.”
“How’s Michael?” she dared to ask. “Have you seen or spoken to him at all?”
“Only the once since you were committed. His wife found out everything, of course. It wasn’t only you he was cheating on her with. He’d been sleeping with his secretary, too. It came out because one of his work colleagues had caught him having sex with her over his desk. Apparently Michael had begged him not to say anything, and claimed it was a one-off, but then when everything came out about you, it was all over the papers, and his colleague spilled the beans, too.”
Liv gave a cold laugh. “He told me about that during one of our early dates, but he said he was the one who had caught the colleague and the secretary.”
“Wow.” Ellen pulled a face. “That guy certainly had some nerve, right? I mean, I know he didn’t deserve what you did to him any more than I did, but it really couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.”
Liv didn’t miss the sarcasm in her tone.
“Even if he was a terrible person, it still doesn’t excuse what I did.” Her hands rested on the table between them, and she picked at the dried skin around her nails, picking, picking, picking, until specks of blood appeared against her skin.
“No, it doesn’t, but you didn’t do anything out of hate, Liv. You did it because you thought it was for the best.”
She lifted her gaze to meet Ellen’s. “Didn’t I? What about Tammy? What about Holly Newie? How do we know I didn’t hurt them? I still don’t remember what happened during those blackouts. Maybe I never will.”
“You just latched onto Holly Newie because you were sick, Liv. Michael still insists he’s never even met the woman, and I tend to believe him. And as for Tammy, well, you know what she was like. I spoke to Tammy’s mother when we cleared out the flat. She’s heartbroken but not surprised it came to this. Tammy had a history of drug abuse that goes back to her teenage years.”
“She did?”
Ellen nodded. “Yes, she did. It had nothing to do with you. It was just bad luck that the two of you ended up living together.”
It occurred to Liv that she and Tammy had had more in common than they’d realised. Perhaps if either of them had actually opened up about who they really were, they might have even been friends.
“What about you?” Liv asked. “How have you been, after everything?”
She nodded and glanced down. “I’m okay. Suffering from nightmares and panic attacks, but they’re getting better.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, looking down at her hands again.
“I saw Ryan and the new woman,” Ellen continued. “She has a bump now, and she was ordering Ryan around like she was an invalid, and he was chasing around after her, doing everything she said.”
Liv bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry about that, too. About not telling you sooner.”
Ellen shrugged. “It’s fine. I understand why you didn’t. You kind of had a lot going on in that head of yours. It was Ryan’s fault for cheating on me in the first place, not yours. You should never have been burdened with his lies on top of everything else.”
“So, you forgive me for that part, at least?” she asked hopefully.
“Yes, for that part.” Ellen gave a sigh. “Look, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not going to make a habit of visiting you.”
“I know that,” she said, her voice small.
“You understand why we can’t be friends anymore, don’t you, Liv?” She shook her head. “I mean Sarah.” Ellen gave a small, nervous laugh. “I don’t know what to call you anymore.”
“Liv,” Olivia said. “I changed my name legally. It’s still Liv.”
She nodded. “Okay, good. It feels weird to call you something else. Anyway, I just wanted to come and say goodbye.”
“Thank you for coming.”
Ellen got to her feet and gave Liv one final, tight smile before turning away and walking from the common room.
Olivia stayed where she was for a moment, trying to keep her emotions in check. She didn’t trust her emotions. If she lost the small grip she had on herself, she didn’t think she would ever get it back again.
Movement in front of her caught her attention, and, for the briefest of moments, she thought Ellen had come back again. But then she saw it was one of the other patients, a blonde woman a couple of years younger than she was, who she’d seen around but hadn’t spoken to.
“Was that your friend?” the young woman asked.
Liv nodded, not trusting herself to speak just yet.
The blonde woman smiled. “You know, it would be nice to have a friend in here, too. I’ve seen you around, and I thought you looked like my kind of person.”
Olivia allowed a small smile to touch her lips. “You have?” It was all she ever wanted, just to be liked, to be accepted.
“Of course.” The blonde stuck her hand across the table. “My name’s Grace.”
Liv hesitated for a moment and then shook it. “Hello, Grace. I’m Olivia.”