Chapter Twenty-Eight

Niva

My father loves me, of that I’m certain.

I’m growing to be as certain that Graven loves me. Though that will take some time to comprehend. When a human says “love,” does it mean forever? Or do they have to also say forever for it to be forever?

But I don’t have time to think about that now.

My father takes us to a speeder that, surprisingly, very unusual for a Fellamana, has a concealed cargo area behind the glass-enclosed pilot seat. It’s meant to transport goods that would perish if exposed to too much sunlight. That’s the only reason Fellamana have something that’s not translucent. He ushers Graven and me into the enclosed hold.

“You planned this?” I ask him. He must have sought out this vehicle for the express purpose of transporting Graven and me unseen.

He nods. “Get in.”

Graven and I sit on a bench in the back, and my father closes us in and drives us off. I don’t know where he’s going.

Graven holds my hand. “Where do you think he’s taking us?”

“Someplace safe and hidden, I guess. Some place I don’t know about and the council doesn’t know about.”

He’s silent, absently playing with my hand and staring at the floor.

“You don’t have to come with me,” I say. “He can take you back to the rebellion. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

He squints at me, the dim lighting of the cargo hold casting shadows over his brows. “I won’t leave you. Especially not when I can protect you.”

I smile. “I don’t need you to protect me.”

He turns closer to me. “But if your people came after you and tried to arrest you, would you be able to bring yourself to hurt them to keep them from taking you?”

At the thought of injuring someone just for doing their job when the council told them to confine me… I can’t imagine lifting a hand against them.

“Exactly,” he nods. “You need me. I’ll keep them away from you. However I have to.”

“I don’t want you to be a criminal, either.”

“I go where you go, Niva. You can’t stop me.” He bends to kiss my forehead, and I can’t help wrapping my arms around him. I climb into his lap, desperate to be as close to him physically as I can.

“I’m afraid,” I whisper, my face buried in his neck. “I don’t want to be a fugitive to my people. I want to be with them. Help them. Heal them.”

“I know.” He rests his face in my hair, and his arms are so comforting around me, holding me tight for the first time.

I smile against him. “We did it. You’re healed.”

“You did it,” he kisses my head. “I can feel you now against me.” He sighs heavily and presses me closer. I never want to leave him.

We rest like that together, but our intimate time comes to an end. The speeder stops, and my father lets us out.

“Hurry,” he whispers. “Follow me. Stay low and close to the shadows.” He leads us around the speeder and into the dark.

There are shadows all around us, and I recognize a Fellamana fleet of spaceships. My heart races, and my breath catches. My father means to help us leave the planet.

He stops in front of a small but fast ship and presses his palm to an invisible panel. The door to the ship whooshes open. “Get in,” he orders.

“But where are we going?” I hesitate. “Father, I don’t know…”

“To Koviye,” he says breathlessly. “The frequencies of the Liberator should be easy enough to find. The ship has a self-fueling engine. It’ll take you however far you need to go.”

It would work. Graven and I could escape just like my cousin did. We could join the human rebellion just like Koviye and his human did. It would be good for Graven. He could be among his people.

But I would leave everyone. My father, my people, my duties. I’d be running and escaping every responsibility I’d ever had, every person I ever loved.

“It’s the only way I can ensure your safety, Niva. Please. Go.” His expression pleads with me to do as he wants. “I couldn’t bear to lose you, if they hurt you.”

“But you lose me this way, too.” I nod at the ship. “I’d never be allowed to come back.”

“I’d rather it this way, knowing you’re alive and with someone who loves you”—he nods at Graven—“rather than here, where I can’t protect you from those who would kill you.”

I glance at Graven, terrified. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“It’s going to be all right,” Graven reassures me. “I’ll be with you.”

“And Koviye will be with you,” my father reminds me.

I burst out with a sarcastic laugh. Koviye, impulsive, unpredictable Koviye. “I do miss him.”

My father kisses me on the cheek and embraces me, hard. “Goodbye, daughter.” He whispers to me in Fellamana, “My love follows you wherever you go.”

I whimper with the sudden surge of sadness, and the overwhelming need to cry.

He pulls away from me. “Go, before someone sees.” He looks around to be certain none of the fleet guards are watching.

I don’t want to let him go, but Graven encourages me. He puts comforting hands on my shoulders. “You can do this.”

I wipe my eyes, determined to not have my last moment with my father be one of sobbing. “Wherever I go,” I say back to him. “I love you.” I kiss his cheek quickly and embrace him one more time, then force myself to get onto the ship.

“I will watch her and love her with everything I have,” Graven says to my father. “I promise.”

My father says something to him I don’t hear, then Graven joins me on the ship and closes the door. I stare at my father through the glass walls of the ship, memorizing his face, terrorized that this may be the last time I ever see him.

“Do you want me to take off?” Graven asks.

I try to see his face through the tears blurring my eyes. “Do you know how to fly it?”

He glances at the control panel. He’s used enough Fellamana tech in the last few weeks living among us, he should be able to figure it out. “Strap in,” he tells me.

My hands shake too much for me to do anything. I’m utterly numb and unable to process any of this. I’m leaving my home, my family, my father, my people, forever. I’ve never pictured myself a traveler, an explorer. I’ve never had any desire to leave my home, yet here I am, forced to give it all up for mistakes that weren’t even mistakes.

Because of prejudices and judgments by those in power who don’t understand my choices.

Graven helps me strap into the copilot’s chair and captains the ship himself, taking off from the landing pad and slowly, conservatively, flying us into the dark night sky.

“It’s going to be okay.” He pats my hands. “You’ll be safe now. And we’ll find Koviye in no time.”

“And I have you,” I add, the most precious part about this whole mess. I squeeze his hand, taking all the comfort from him I can. I’m losing so much, but I get to keep him. I wouldn’t be able to keep him if I stayed.

“Gods damn it!” I punch the console with my foot, anger bursting in me from behind a hot dam. “Why do the council members have to be such idiots?”

Graven flies us slowly into a high altitude, not skyrocketing us out of the atmosphere yet, giving us an easy ride rather than a skull-rattling surge into null gravity. “They are idiots.”

“If they would only listen to me, if they’d only hear what I have to say and truthfully hear about my intentions and see my emotions and how honest I am, how truly my desire is only for love and peace within myself and for our people, they’d understand.”

“They should,” he encourages me. “That would be right.”

“It’s their fault I’m having to give up my home and my family.” I choke on tears again, unsure how to accept this. Everything in me is rebelling against this being true. I can’t possibly leave. “It feels like I’m abandoning my people. There’s no one else with the Exstare power. They’ll be without someone for the first time in our recorded history.”

“But Koviye—”

“I exhibited the power before he left. That’s one of the reasons it was safe for him to leave. There’s no one to take my place.”

“They’ll be all right,” he comforts me. “You’ve said their medical tech is advanced enough now they don’t really require your healing powers anymore anyway.”

“They don’t but…” I sigh and lay my head back. “It’s so much more than that. It’s not even about the sex, either; it’s more about the presence. The Exstare is the embodiment and strength of love, the full power of what love is really capable of. It’s more about what it represents to the people. Love is what our society is made of and built on. Yes, we live with the desidre, and so sex is a big part of our way of life, but it’s really about loving and caring for one another.”

He shakes his head. “Which is why their hatred of monogamy makes no sense to me.”

“Exactly. What is it but another form of love’s expression? It’s just one we’ve never understood or experienced until you humans came to us.” I meet his eyes. “It’s a beautiful thing.”

He smiles gently but sadly. “I’m sorry you have to leave. I wish there was some other way.”

I stare back out the windshield at the clouds, at the stars fast approaching. “I feel like a coward for not facing the trial.”

“The trial?”

“Where they ask me the questions and give me the opportunity to explain myself.”

He stiffens in his chair. “You’re not a coward. You’re preserving your life.”

“But am I?” I choke on my own words. “Can I live with myself if I run from my people without at least attempting to convince them?”

“Niva…” His voice catches. “If we go back, they could…they might…” He shivers and can’t finish his sentence. “Is it worth risking your life to give them a chance to believe you?”

I pause, and at the thought, every stress and fear inside me releases, and my whole body fills with a strength and determination. “Yes.”

Graven slows down the ship and puts it on autopilot, maintaining our current altitude. “Niva, this is serious. You realize what you’re saying?”

I sigh heavily. “I do.” I think about it and say the truth that I couldn’t admit to my father, but I have to tell Graven. “I’d rather die than abandon them.”

His eyes fall closed, and he goes so still for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Graven,” I say. “I have to go back.”

He unbuckles his restraint belt and leans toward me, cupping my hand in his. “I’ll do whatever you want. It’s your decision. But please be certain. Understand what you’re saying, Niva. Your life depends on it.”

“They deserve a chance to prove themselves. If I don’t tell them the truth and give them the chance to change their minds, it will scar the Fellamana civilization forever. I have faith in them.”

He meets my eyes, and his emotions are a swirling riot of fear. “You’re sure?”

I nod. “You don’t have to go with me. Just drop me at the council hall, and you can go back to the rebels. Or take this ship and still go after the Liberator.”

He snorts and straps back in. “Fuck that. I’m not leaving your side for a minute.”

Fear bursts in my chest. “They could imprison you. They could—”

“Niva, I’d die for you. Don’t even ask me a second time.” He navigates the ship back toward the city. “I won’t leave you. We’re in this together.”

I stare at him with admiration and wonder, more grateful to have him and not have to do this alone than I could ever put into words. “Thank you,” I whisper.

“I love you. Get used to it.”