Chapter Six

Niva

I stare at my father through my sleepy eyes. I got almost no sleep last night. I couldn’t stop seeing the look on Graven’s face as they took him away from me. How desperate he looked. How much pain he felt at leaving me.

How much his expression mirrored the riot of emotions going on inside me.

“Niva, you need to go away for a few days,” my father repeats for the third time this morning. “You’re tired. You’ve overextended yourself and need rest. That’s all this obsession over this human is about.”

“This isn’t about my needing rest,” I protest. “This is about me helping someone who desperately needs it. I was up half the night learning his language so I can talk to him about what’s wrong.”

The problems Graven is having are so much worse than what I thought. I should’ve been able to heal him with one touch, one orgasm. I healed him some, but he needs so much more. His pain, his emotional and physical problems, go deep, as deep as his cellular makeup, almost like his sickness has been implanted in his DNA.

“Then let him go to the medical center,” my father insists. “If you like, I’ll send some people to find him and ensure he gets the care he needs.”

“Maybe.” It might work. The med technology is so advanced, my healing is hardly necessary for anyone’s survival now. That was in the old days. Now things are better. The demands for my power to save lives are nowhere near as severe as in our history, thankfully. I can’t imagine living in those times when the health and wellbeing of our entire society would’ve been wholly dependent on my abilities.

My father puts his hands on my shoulders. “Take a speeder and go to our mountain retreat house. You can spend three days there alone with no one making any demands of you. Restore yourself.”

“But I like helping people. I don’t want a rest.” I want to find Graven. I need to find him. He needs me.

That’s not the only reason, though. Something inside me wants him, too. Just touching him last night wasn’t enough. I want him. Not just to help him, but for me. No one else will do. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is about him that I can’t find in another lover today, in anyone else, but there’s a visceral rejection in my gut to having sex with anyone other than him today.

It’s so strange. I’ve never felt that way—wanting only one person—I don’t understand why.

“Maybe I do need a rest,” I concede.

“Having so many partners in one day, every day, as much as I know you enjoy it, drains you.” He cups my cheek and presses one of his fatherly kisses to my forehead. “Rest, my daughter. You need to care for yourself, not just other people.”

I give in to the desire for his comfort and wrap my arms around him. I’m an adult, but there’s something about my father’s hugs I feel I’ll never grow out of. His comfort amid my confusion, even if he doesn’t completely understand my problem, is priceless. “You’re right.”

I’ve been through so many changes this month. I’ve been wrapped up in the excitement of coming into my Exstare, of Koviye suddenly leaving and all his responsibilities falling to me, I’ve taken no time for myself. That must be why I don’t have a desire for anyone else today. That’s why my focus is so skewed toward this human whom I’m forbidden to be with—which highlights my other problem.

I step back from my father. “I’ll go away if you promise to speak to the council. They overstepped their bounds and interfered with my authority last night.”

“I will. That was unacceptable.”

I’m well versed in the traditions of our people. “If the public doesn’t trust that my wishes are absolute, they’ll lose faith in me and in our traditions. Fear and chaos could result.”

He smiles. “You truly are growing into the maturity of the Exstare. Our people are lucky to have you.”

I nod. “I won’t have the council dictating who I can have sex with. I must have absolute control of what I do with my own body and desires.” I can’t do this job any other way. “No restrictions.”

He hesitates. “I will reiterate that to them. But Niva, you cannot be with humans. You’re already feeling the effects of that man last night. You can’t stop thinking about him. It’s what these humans do to us. It’s a power they have of some sort. They’re brainwashing us into wanting only one of them.”

I jerk back, shocked. Is that what’s happening to me? Has this Graven brainwashed me? “No. I felt his emotions last night. He had no desire to exert control over me.”

“They don’t do it consciously, Niva. It’s just in their nature to attach to lovers.”

“But I’ve seen no other Fellamana besides Koviye tempted to do monogamitic—” I stumble over the word again.

“Monogamy.”

It’s such a strange word. “Mongogeamay with one of them.”

“That we know of. It’s not something a Fellamana would broadcast. They’d be ridiculed for it.”

It’s true. As free-loving as our society is, a Fellamana who declared they wanted only one lover for the rest of their life would probably be reported to the medical center for testing to see what was wrong with them.

My father backs away from me. “You need to get out of the city.”

I’m in such turmoil and confusion. It must be due to fatigue. “You’re right.”

“Good!” He starts typing on his wrist com. “Sending a message direct to the news boards right now. You won’t be seeing anyone for three days, due to a much-needed recuperation. Everyone will understand.”

“Thank you.” I would’ve felt so guilty about writing that.

“There. That’ll post immediately. No one will contact you.” He taps the final send button then looks at me. “I’ll bring the speeder around front. Go pack anything you need. Bring some books! You love to read and haven’t been doing any of it.” He opens the front door of our co-op.

“I’ll bring my reader.” I do love to read, it’s true. I haven’t had time to this month, and I’d enjoy that.

I go up the stairs to my room. But at the thought of packing, of leaving, a protest tightens in my gut.

I don’t want to go on this retreat alone. I want to take Graven with me.

I want to spend three days alone in a mountain cabin reading but also having as much sex with my big human as it would take to bring him back to health.

Which would be a lot.

I bite my lip and smile. It sounds heavenly. Exploring that enormous body of his, feeling his ridiculously large, erotically sexy hands all over me as much as I wanted for three days… I’m salivating and heating to arousal at the mere image.

I could do it.

I could take the speeder and search the city for him before I leave. I could find him and take him with me. But I have no idea where he is. It could take hours. All day. The only place I know he likes to go is my sex-doctor office.

I pause in my footsteps—which is exactly where he’ll be. He didn’t want to leave me last night. He’s going to be desperate today for more of me, too desperate to stay away even if he tried. It’ll be so easy.

I grab the pile of books from my bedside and toss them in a bag. I add a few of my favorite comfy robes, seal the bag closed, then burst out the door with a broad smile of excitement on my face. I love my plan.

My father mistakes my good mood for excitement for my solo retreat. I don’t correct him, just hug him and say goodbye.

I hop in the two-seater speeder, a silver one with glass seats and instrument panel. Once my father is back inside his house, when he can’t see, I program the destination for my office and take off.

I have a moment of guilt, of betrayal, and worry that my father is right. What if this human does, without knowing, hold some kind of sway over me, making me want only him just by his makeup?

I don’t think so.

The council says he’s dangerous. But I think they’re wrong. And part of me wants to enact this plan just to defy them, just to prove that no matter what they might try, no one rules me or can tell me who to be with. It’s wrong of them. If they’re going to dictate what I do, then I don’t want this job anymore.

My breath stops, and the wind in my hair suddenly feels stale and uncomfortable.

I can’t possibly quit. That’s not an option. I have no choice. I’ve been born into this. Fate ordained me. My power dictates this is my job for life.

I’ve only ever felt love for my new position, but suddenly, I’m trapped. My chest tightens, and a fear sprouts there. I can never stop. I’m destined to have sex with whoever wants me for the rest of my life. I don’t have a choice.

I have no more say over who I have sex with than whoever happens to knock on my door that day. I’d never thought of it that way—an obligation rather than a freedom.

Bile rises in my throat, and I have to swallow back the sick feeling.

I shake myself. This is ridiculous. I love my job. Healing people with sex brings me joy. I like doing it. It’s what I’m called to do. These weird thoughts are just because of what my father said.

I need rest. That’s all. Three days will cure me of this strange feeling.

I rub at the tightness in my chest, but it doesn’t go away like I want it to.

I pull up to my office and hop out of the speeder, but I don’t see Graven. No one else is here. Every Fellamana got the instant alert on their wrist coms that my father sent saying I’m not available for the next three days. But Graven has no wrist com, since he’s not Fellamana. He won’t have gotten the message. I’d assumed he’d be here.

I had no doubts that he’d want me again as much as I want him—more, actually.

But I look around. No one. He’s too big to hide.

I was wrong. He didn’t come.

A depression filters down my spine, and my shoulders collapse. A wretched feeling I’ve never felt before wrenches my insides—rejection. He doesn’t want me again. Once and done.

Dejected, I go back to my speeder and fight back the urge to cry.