Not everyone who walks through darkness makes it out, and that was exactly how I was feeling after the Miss Universe Pageant. I was in desperate need of my mother and a home-cooked meal. Even though she didn’t always know the right thing to say, my mother was the only person in the world who could comfort me just by being there. They say that the best kind of people in your life are the ones that you can sit next to, not say a word to, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you ever had.
On my way to my mother’s, my mind was racing a million miles a minute. Everyone thought that I was the woman behind this successful, inspiring company. But behind that facade, I was crumbling, and it wasn’t pretty. I had gone back to work full time at the cosmetics company in order to pay my bills and keep my company afloat. I was falling deeper into depression and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to dig myself out.
I had become extremely insecure and hated my body, my hair, and everything about myself. It was hard to even look at myself in the mirror. Every day was a struggle, and I had to start promising myself that I wouldn’t wake up every morning crying. I wanted to stay strong and not let down the few people who believed in me, but even the thought of trying to do that gave me more anxiety. I felt like I wasn’t smart or talented enough to make my clothing line work. I felt like my dreams would always be just dreams and never become a reality.
Suddenly I found myself, in a daze, parked outside my family’s house, staring blankly at the garage door. I don’t even remember how I got there. As I walked in and threw my bag on the kitchen counter, E! News blared loudly in the background, and the aroma of delicious Persian food reminded me how hungry I was.
I headed straight to the refrigerator to find a quick snack before I fainted. Maman didn’t waste any time taking jabs at me. She asked, “Why are you dressed like that? And why do you reek of cigarettes?” I took a deep breath before opening the fridge.
Could I never catch a break? My spirits were low and I wasn’t in the mood to make an effort. And, yes, I had been chain smoking because my stress levels were through the roof. How was I not even good enough for my own mother?
I had gotten pretty good at masking my feelings, so she had no idea how low I’d been feeling lately. I never told anyone what really happened with Miss Universe or why I went back to work. I just couldn’t bring myself to look anyone in the eyes and talk about failing, both personally and professionally. In Maman’s mind, my life was moving in a positive and exciting direction. Little did she know that what appeared to be a career high had actually led to the lowest point in my life.
As she continued to talk about my unfortunate outfit choice, my blood started to boil. My head turned slowly toward her face, and my eyes met hers with so much anger. Make it stop, I thought. But I couldn’t.
“Leave me alone!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “I want to look like this! Look at yourself! I hate this life; I will never be good enough for anyone or anything!”
I said this to the woman who raised me and did everything in her power to give me a better life. How could I disrespect her like this? Tears filled her eyes. I had never seen her look at me that way before. She wasn’t scared of me, but she was scared for me. I briskly grabbed my bag and continued to yell as I ran out of the house.
My body was convulsing. I could barely inhale a breath. I climbed into my car and sped away as fast as I could. Looking in my rearview mirror at the house, I realized I had forgotten to close the door, and Maman hadn’t gone to close it. After driving a block, I slammed on the brakes and pulled over, put my hands over my face, and collapsed on the steering wheel.
What the fuck just happened in there?
I pulled out my cell phone from my purse and stared at it, praying that she would call. But she didn’t.
I had poured my heart and soul into my businesses and my mission. And for what? Is there a point where you just have to give up and accept that your dreams are out of reach, or do you continue to push forward? I spent more time avoiding the pain of failure than confronting it. I felt like I was dodging bullets in the middle of a war zone, except it was a pointless battle. I kept getting hit no matter how hard I tried to maneuver around the speed of those damn bullets.
When you try to achieve anything in your life, it can create a mess. The best thing to do is to clean up that mess. Once you start picking up the shattered pieces, you will discover all the magical reasons that got you there. No matter how big or small your mess may be.
So I turned around and drove back to the house to clean my mess with Maman. The door was still open. I slowly walked back inside the house, not knowing what to expect. Before I could say anything, Maman looked at me and said very calmly, “Your dinner is on the table.” She looked relieved that I had returned.
“I’m so sorry. It’s just that—”
She cut me off. “What do you want to drink?”
It’s okay to fall apart once in a while. We are human, and there is only so much we can take. Maman and I are two completely different women who had taken very different paths in life. And I know that if I ever had a daughter, she would be completely different than me. Maman couldn’t understand what I was going through, but I knew she could feel my pain. You don’t always have to pretend you are strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going great when it’s not.
I had been racing at the speed of a Ferrari, except that I was out of fuel. I was running on empty, damaging myself and everything I was working on in the process. Sometimes you need to stop, pull over, and refuel. Success is not achieved by speed or out of anger. You need to have a clear mind to see your vision through.
A few months later a friend of mine, James, got in touch with me regarding a pageant called Miss Sinergy that he and a few of his friends were putting together in DC. He didn’t have to say another word. The second I heard the word “pageant,” I stopped him. Another request for a pageant? I would be out of my mind to agree to attend. But when James asked whether I could donate bikinis toward breast cancer research and deliver a speech for the Miss Sinergy contest, I couldn’t bring myself to reject him. How could I say no to people trying to raise money for a good cause?
The event was held at the Swedish embassy, an elegant venue by the Georgetown Waterfront. I wore a semiformal dress to the black-tie event. There was an assortment of different auction items, including Dar Be Dar bikinis. The guest list was mostly comprised of college students, people working in PR, housewives, and local celebrities. There were also some past Miss Universe titleholders, and of course, Miss Maryland, Miss District of Columbia, and Miss Virginia.
I delivered my speech about women’s limited freedom in some parts of the world and what inspired me to start my line. After I stepped down from the podium, a young woman approached me and said, “I just want to say that I am so impressed with everything you have done, and I find you very inspiring.” I thanked her, and she continued, “This is the third year in a row that I’m competing to win the Miss Maryland Pageant.”
Without thinking, I asked, “Why would you do that?”
She looked at me in shock and replied, “Because it represents world peace.”
“No, sweetie,” I said in a judgmental tone. “You know what represents world peace? The people who are fighting for their freedom every day. You waving your hand and getting your hair and makeup done so that you can say ‘world peace’ in front of a camera isn’t—” Before I even finished my own sentence, I stopped. I shook my head and said shamefully, “I am so sorry. You should do what you want, and that’s all that matters. Good luck.”
As I walked away, my friend grabbed me and said, “Tala. That was so mean.” I knew it was. But I couldn’t help myself from lashing out with all my Miss Universe emotional debris.
By this point in my life, I was 100 percent ready to give up. And I did give up after the Miss Universe catastrophe. But when I went back to a nine-to-five life, I realized that it’s better to be at the bottom of a staircase you want to climb than at the top of one you don’t. Just because your dreams aren’t happening to you right now, it doesn’t mean they will never happen. Sometimes, things have to go really wrong before they can go right.
It took me some time and a little break to realize all this, but when I did I went back at it full force. Don’t get sad, get mad! Get mad enough to find a way to achieve what you really want. I put all my energy into making what seemed so impossible at the time possible for myself. I started fighting for my dreams like I never had before, and now I am living them every day with no regrets. Because if fashion is a form of freedom, so are the choices you make to follow your dreams.