“How we met?” Hannah repeated slowly. Rather than confess the truth, she glanced shyly in Cheryl’s direction and said, “That’s rather an involved story, and if you don’t mind, I’d prefer to leave it for another time.”
“Of course,” Cheryl returned, easily appeased. She glanced anxiously at her watch. “I’ve got to be at the hospital in an hour. If I’m not careful, the time will slip away from me.”
“You work at the hospital?”
Cheryl nodded. “In Labor and Delivery.”
Hannah brightened. “Really? That must be interesting work.”
“Believe me, it is. I find it incredible how many babies decide to be born while Daddy’s out to sea. Speaking of which,” she said, waving her hand as she hurriedly finished a sip of tea, “isn’t it the pits Riley and Steve are leaving for that training session? I hate it when the Navy does this, but then I should be accustomed to the way the military works by now. Steve isn’t any more thrilled about this than I am, and I bet Riley feels the same way.”
Hannah hadn’t a clue what Cheryl was talking about, but she didn’t want the other woman to know it. If Riley was going on deployment, he hadn’t shared the news with her. Hannah felt lost in the dark, groping around, searching for meaning. She forced a smile when she noticed Steve’s wife anxiously studying her. “The pits is right.”
“So soon after you two are married.”
“Do they know exactly when they’ll be going?” Hannah hoped she effectively disguised the eagerness in her voice. She felt hollow inside, as if a giant void had opened up and exposed what a farce her marriage really was. It hurt more than she thought possible for Riley to have hidden this from her.
“It looks like they’re scheduled to head out Monday morning, but I doubt it’ll be a full cruise. At least, that’s what the scuttlebutt claims. They should be home before Christmas, at any rate, although I fully expect them to be gone the entire seventy days this spring.”
Seventy days. Hannah’s mind went blank. Spring was when their baby was due. Alarm gripped her chest, and she struggled to conceal the apprehension. It was bad enough being cut off from her father and friends and from all that was familiar to her, but knowing she’d be facing the birth of her baby without Riley terrified Hannah. She pushed her fear aside, determined to deal with it later.
“I wish I could be here Friday night,” Cheryl added, downing the last of her tea. “I would have been content to meet you then, but I’m scheduled to work. The next time the guys get together for poker, the two of us will have our own night out.”
Hannah managed a smile and nod. “That sounds like fun.”
They spoke a few minutes more, then Cheryl had to leave for the hospital. Hannah saw her to the door and impulsively hugged her, grateful Steve’s wife had taken the time to stop by and introduce herself. Their conversation had been a fruitful one.
For hours afterward Hannah felt numb. A disquieting, uncomfortable knot lodged itself in her stomach. In three short days Riley would be leaving for a lengthy patrol, and he had yet to say a word to her about it. Nor had he mentioned it was likely he’d be at sea during the birth of their child. Surely a wife should be entitled to such information. Hannah felt she had a right to know. Every right.
She was frying up hamburger for chili when Riley walked into the house two hours ahead of schedule. He hesitated when he saw her. “You’re not ready,” he said, his tone lightly accusing.
“For what?” She had a difficult time burying her sarcasm. Perhaps there was something else he’d purposely forgotten to mention. He seemed to think she was a mind reader.
“The doctor’s appointment.”
“Oh...dear.” After her conversation with Cheryl, her appointment with the Navy physician had completely slipped her mind.
Flustered, she headed toward the bathroom. “I’ll only be a minute.” She ran a brush through her hair, applied a fresh coat of lip gloss and changed her top all within five minutes. When she returned to the kitchen, she found Riley adding the cooked meat to the simmering kidney beans. He replaced the lid on the Crockpot.
As they drove to the clinic, Hannah glanced over at her husband several times, amused by how well his personality was portrayed in his facial features. His chin was nothing short of arrogant. His jaw was as sharply chiseled as his pride. His eyes and nose and mouth—every part of him gave the overall impression of strength and power. Yet he was a stranger to her, sharing little of his thoughts and even less of himself. She felt like an intruder into his life, extra baggage he was forced to drag around with him.
Riley must have felt her scrutiny, and when he returned her look, she blushed and dropped her gaze to her lap, then waited a moment before nonchalantly glancing at him again.
She felt dangerously close to repeating everything she’d learned that morning from Cheryl Morgan. She would have if she hadn’t been anxious to learn how long it would take Riley to tell her of his plans. She was his wife, although she was more certain than ever that he didn’t want her in his life and only tolerated her presence. No, Hannah decided, she’d say nothing. She would play his waiting game.
* * *
Riley was anxious about Hannah’s health. He’d never known anyone could be so pale. Her coloring had something to do with it; but it was more than that, far more, and he was concerned. He intended on talking to the doctor, to reassure himself she’d be all right while he was out to sea.
The fact he’d be gone for a few weeks didn’t sit well with him, either. He hadn’t broken the news to her yet, delaying the inevitable as long as possible for fear of upsetting her. There’d been enough upheaval in their lives in the past few weeks without this. When it came right down to it, Riley realized he’d rather not leave Hannah, but the training schedule wasn’t optional. Damn little in the Navy was.
Riley loved the sea, loved life aboard the nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Atlantis. But he didn’t want to leave Hannah. Not so soon. Not yet.
He’d had several days to assimilate what he’d learned about her and her former fiancé. It didn’t sit well with him that Hannah loved another man. He tried not to think about it, to push the other man to the far reaches of his mind and pretend Jerry had never existed. It was the only way Riley could deal with knowing Hannah might be married to him, but she would never truly belong to him.
Hannah made Riley feel vulnerable. He didn’t understand what it was about her that touched him in ways no other woman ever had. One hurt look from her had the most curious effect upon him. It was as though someone had viciously kicked him in the solar plexus. The irony of it all was that the person Riley sought to protect her from most was himself. His insensitivity. His pride. His anger.
If what he felt for Hannah was love, Riley couldn’t say. His brushes with the emotion were best described as brief. He cared about her in ways that had never concerned him with others. That was understandable, though; no other woman had ever carried his child. He was anxious about her health; she was a fragile thing, delicate and rare. It seemed all he could do was make her as comfortable as possible, and that felt like damn little.
Other than a few slips, Riley was working hard at gaining her trust. Convincing her to share his bed was motivation enough. He longed to have her by his side, to rest his head upon her stomach and feel for himself the new life her body nurtured. Every once in a while he’d lie awake and grow wistful, dreaming of the time she would willingly turn into his arms and snuggle her lush womanly body next to his own. Marriage had made him fanciful, Riley decided. He’d enjoyed the physical delights a woman’s body could give him from the time he was in his teens, but he seldom spent the night with a woman. Hannah had been an exception from the first. He’d wanted her the night he met her in Seattle, and nothing had changed. The fact she was in love with another man didn’t seem to matter.
The time Dr. Underwood, the obstetrician, spent with Hannah added to Riley’s concern about his wife’s pregnancy. The doctor took several minutes to talk to them both, and ordered blood tests for Hannah.
Riley’s concern must have registered because Dr. Underwood took a few extra minutes to explain the reasons for the additional tests. He strongly suspected Hannah was still anemic, and as soon as the results were available he would write a prescription for a higher dosage of iron tablets. There were several questions Riley had, as well, although it was apparent Hannah felt it irrelevant to have Riley bring up her sleeping habits and the fact she still suffered from occasional bouts of morning sickness.
Riley was silent on the short drive back to the base. His mind was digesting the answers the doctor had given him. If the truth be known, he was worried. Damn worried.
“You’re being awfully quiet,” she said as they exited the freeway. “Is something troubling you?” Casting anxious glances his way, she seemed to be waiting for him to make some declaration. Riley hadn’t a clue what she wanted him to say.
“I’m fine,” he answered shortly.
She gazed out the window then, turning her head away from him. Feeling bad for the brusqueness with which he’d responded to her, he reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his own. “I’m concerned you’re not eating the way you should be,” he said as an explanation.
“I’m very conscious of everything that goes into my mouth.”
“You pick at your food. I swear you don’t eat enough to keep a bird alive.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
Riley swallowed a tart reply. The last thing he wanted to do was argue with her, although she seemed to be looking for an excuse herself. They’d done too much of that in the past few days. He didn’t want to leave for the training exercises with matters strained between them—at least not any more strained than they already were.
“I’ve gained two pounds since I was in to see my family doctor,” she said, apparently unwilling to let the matter rest.
He didn’t respond, knowing it wouldn’t help to chastise her further. “You promise to take the iron tablets?”
“Of course,” she returned, then hesitated before adding, “Junior is my baby, too, you know.”
Junior. Riley cracked a smile. He’d nearly forgotten there was a baby involved in all this. His primary concern had been for Hannah, so much so that he’d forgotten the very reason she was sitting at his side.
When they got back to the house, there was a message on the answering machine informing Hannah of a job interview scheduled for the following afternoon. If she couldn’t make the appointment, she was to contact the personnel office first thing in the morning.
Hannah’s eyes brightened as she listened to the message, and she smiled over at Riley.
“The job’s right here on the base,” she said, sounding pleased.
“Doing what?” In an effort to disguise his uneasiness about the whole issue of her working, Riley opened the refrigerator and brought out a chicken leg, munching on it although he wasn’t the least bit hungry.
“Secretarial work. I...was employed at an insurance agency before...before we were married.”
Riley nodded. “Is the position you applied for full-time?”
“I...I think so. It must be.”
“I see.”
Hannah glared at him as though he’d attacked her family’s heritage. “Why’d you say it like that?”
“Like what?” He pretended not to understand, although he had a fair idea what she was talking about. He wasn’t keen on her taking on a forty-hour workweek—not when her health was so delicate. Riley swore he never knew anyone who required nine hours of rest a night the way she did, although Dr. Underwood claimed this need for extra sleep would soon pass.
“Like...like you don’t approve of my working.”
“I don’t.” There, he’d said it, bold as could be. “I don’t happen to think it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” Hannah demanded. “Because of the baby?”
“Yes. And other factors.”
“What other factors?”
Riley sighed. Already their voices were raised, and he could see he wasn’t going to be able to extract himself from this easily. He tossed the chicken leg into the garbage and washed his hands, carefully considering his words. Hannah was staring at him, impatiently waiting. “You claimed you needed some time to adjust to our marriage.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“I feel you should put your efforts into our relationship.”
She took her own sweet time to digest his words, but when he looked in her direction, he noticed she didn’t seem pleased with his straightforward answer.
“In other words, if I agree to sleep with you, you’d approve of my working.”
That wasn’t what he’d meant in the least. Yes, he’d been honest enough to admit he wanted to make love to her. He’d made that fact abundantly clear on their wedding day. A brother-and-sister relationship didn’t interest him then, and it appealed to him even less now.
“Well?” she asked, demanding a response from him.
“I don’t want to quarrel over this, Hannah.” He was smart enough to recognize a loaded question when he heard one. Smart enough to extract himself as best he could, too. “All I’m saying is that I’d prefer it if you invested as much time in our relationship as you would in a job. There are only so many hours in a day. You can’t do everything, you know.”
“In other words you wouldn’t be willing to help with the cooking or the housework?”
Riley was quickly losing his grip on his patience, which had always been in short supply. Hannah seemed to be looking for an excuse to pick a fight with him by tying him up in verbal knots. She had been from the moment he’d arrived home. Hell if he knew what he’d done that was so terrible now.
“I’d be willing to help with the cooking and housework.” He fully expected his answer would take the starch out of her arguments. How willing he actually would be to help around the house was another question entirely. Having her there when he walked in the door after a long day with dinner prepared and waiting was a luxury he could easily become accustomed to enjoying.
“What about the times you’re out at sea?”
“What about them?” Frankly he couldn’t understand why that would make any difference. If anything, it was a strong argument to keep her home. With him away, no one would be around to make sure she wasn’t overworking herself.
“I’ll...be bored without a job.”
“What makes you say that? The other wives seem to have plenty to do to occupy their time. You will, too.”
Once again she seemed to need time to assimilate his words. For several minutes she said nothing. Then, as if by rote, she stepped over to the cupboard and brought down dishes and began to set the table.
“Do you want any help?” He felt downright noble asking. It seemed like a husbandly thing to do.
“No,” she said softly, shaking her head. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”
Apparently this was the end of their discussion. “What about the job interview?” he asked, trying not to let his feelings on the issue leak into the question. True, he’d rather she didn’t work, but he wouldn’t stop her if that was what she truly wanted. Once again he felt the fleeting twinge of being truly virtuous.
“I...I’m not sure what I intend to do about the job yet.”
Riley felt encouraged by that. At least she wasn’t going to openly defy him, and was willing to take his concerns into consideration. Other than a few rocky places, their marriage was coming along nicely. They were learning the give-and-take necessary to make any relationship work, and Riley couldn’t help feeling good about that.
Dinner was ready twenty minutes later. There was a batch of steaming cornbread fresh from the oven, and the tureen of hot chile con carne. All homemade. All delicious. Riley eyed the table with appreciation, complimenting her.
They ate in silence, and once again Riley noted how she continued to glance his way several times, as though expecting something. What, he wasn’t sure. He complimented her once more on the excellent dinner and made some fleeting remark about never having eaten better, which was true. Before he’d married Hannah, dinners had consisted of microwave specials or something he could grab on the run. Nothing like the home cooking he’d enjoyed since their marriage.
When they’d finished, he helped clear the table. He rinsed the dishes and set them in the dishwasher. With only the two of them, the task was complete in a matter of minutes.
Hannah stored the leftovers in the refrigerator and wiped down the counters. The evening news was on, and Hannah sat on the chair across from Riley’s recliner and picked up her knitting. The sight of her needles working the soft pastel yarn into a blanket for their child had a curious effect upon his heart. It warmed him in ways he was only beginning to understand. It dawned on him suddenly that she loved and wanted this baby.
Glancing up, Hannah found his eyes on hers. She openly glared at him before looking away, as though she deeply resented it was him sitting across from her and not Jerry, the real love of her life. The good feelings he’d experienced a few moments earlier drowned in a sea of resentment.
A heavy dose of anger simmered in him for several minutes before he stood and made himself a cup of instant coffee. Reaching for the evening paper, he worked the crossword puzzle.
“I’d like to visit my father over Christmas,” Hannah said, working the knitting needles with a vengeance. She jerked hard on the ball of yarn, then looked up at him as if she fully expected an argument.
“Fine.” He rarely made plans for the holidays. Frankly, they didn’t mean that much to him. “Am I included, or would you rather I stayed away?”
Once again she glanced upward, obviously surprised by his question. “Included, of course. We are married.”
Riley didn’t know what to read into that comment, if anything.
Following the brief snatch of conversation, the only sound in the entire house was the gentle hum of the dishwasher and the noise coming from the television. Riley thought of several topics he wanted to discuss, but dismissed them all. It was apparent Hannah wasn’t in any mood to chat.
Looking away from her, Riley realized that despite everything, he wanted this marriage to work. For their child’s sake, for Hannah’s sake, for his own peace of mind, Riley was determined to do everything he could to ensure its survival.
He’d taken the biggest gamble of his life by agreeing to marry Hannah. He’d done it without realizing he was playing with a loaded deck, but he was coming to grips with her love for Jerry. The stakes were too high to back down now. Something told him, something deep and primal, that Hannah and their child represented his one chance for finding happiness, and he was taking hold of this opportunity with both hands and holding on tight.
By eight-thirty, right on schedule, she was yawning. Although he pretended an interest in a television program, Riley was aware of Hannah with every fiber of his being. He’d hoped by this time to be able to kiss and hold her whenever the mood struck him, which he knew would be often. Looking at her now, busy tearing out several rows of stitches, her back ramrod straight, Riley marveled that in two weeks of marriage that he’d been allowed to kiss her as often as he had. She’d never looked more untouchable than she did at this moment.
“A penny for your thoughts.” Riley couldn’t believe he’d said that. He hated the ineptitude he experienced, attempting to deal with his wife. He felt like a bungling youth when it came to understanding her moods.
“You don’t honestly want to know what I’m thinking,” she replied, stuffing her knitting into the wicker basket resting on the carpet next to her chair.
“I would,” he countered sharply.
She stared at him, and Riley was shocked to read the stark emotion marred by a glistening veneer of tears. Although she battled to conceal the stubborn pride, it burned from her eyes. With some difficulty, she managed to keep the tears at bay. “I...I was just thinking I’d adjust to our marriage a whole lot easier if you behaved more like a husband.”
Riley didn’t have time to react before she stood and hurried to her bedroom, closing the door. He intended to follow her when he heard the lock slip noisily into place. Sharply expelling his breath, he stood alone in the living room, wondering what the hell she’d meant by that. Maybe, he mused, he would start acting more like a husband when she started behaving like a wife.
* * *
The interview went poorly. As childish as it seemed, Hannah would have liked to blame Riley for that. She’d slept fitfully all night and felt nauseous the moment she lifted her head from the pillow. The bouts of morning sickness had all but disappeared of late, and she delayed getting out of bed as long as she could. By sheer determination she managed to hold down her breakfast until Riley left for work. The last thing she needed or wanted was him fussing over her.
Hannah wasn’t proud of the way she’d acted the night before. She’d been cranky and unreasonable and on the verge of weeping. Her emotions were playing havoc with her, and she hated being so thin-skinned. Riley had hurt her. He didn’t know or understand that, which only complicated matters. If only he’d tell her he was leaving. She’d done everything she knew to prompt the information out of him. It hadn’t worked, and she battled a deep sense of betrayal and regret.
Although she felt physically wretched, she dressed carefully for the interview and went into the office with high expectations. Her credentials were excellent, as were her skills, but as soon as the interviewer learned she was pregnant, everything had taken a turn for the worse. It seemed the office was interested in someone older. In other words, a secretary beyond her childbearing years.
Riley was home by the time she returned. He stood when she walked in the door, glancing anxiously in her direction.
“I didn’t get the job,” she announced on her way through the living room. Her voice shook slightly, and she did her level best to ignore him. Dealing with one disappointment at a time was her limit.
He followed her into the kitchen. “What happened?”
“It seems they aren’t interested in a secretary after all. They want a...a grandma.”
“A what?”
“Someone who isn’t pregnant,” she explained tersely. “Only they dressed it in more delicate terms. I could sue them.”
“There’ll be other job interviews.”
Hannah had fully expected Riley to gloat when he learned she hadn’t gotten the job. He didn’t want her working, and had said as much. Having him gently reassure her only served to confuse her. Her throat thickened—something she’d always hated because it was a sure sign she was close to tears. Hannah hated to cry. Some women had perfected the art of weeping with a natural feminine grace. That wasn’t the case with Hannah. Her skin got blotchy, her nose ran, and if she tried to speak, her words sounded as though they were coming out of a pepper grinder.
“I’ll never get a job,” she said, hating it when her voice cracked.
“Sure, you will.”
Hannah glared at Riley. She was depressed and miserable. The last thing she wanted was for her pragmatic husband to pretend to be Mary Sunshine, especially when she was fully aware of the fact he didn’t want her to take the job in the first place.
“I...I find your optimism to be downright hypocritical.” She tossed the words at him with a vengeance.
“Hannah, whether you decide to take on an outside job is entirely up to you. I voiced my concerns and left the matter in your hands. Better than anyone, you know how much you can or cannot do.”
“You’re singing a different tune than you were yesterday.”
He nodded. “I talked it over with a friend.”
“Steve, I suppose. After all, Cheryl’s employed full-time, isn’t she?”
His eyes flew to hers. “How’d you know...?”
“She stopped in the other morning to introduce herself.” Hannah refused to look away, hoping he could see the pain that was in her heart. She was doing everything she knew to be the best wife she could to Riley Murdock. More than anything, she longed for this marriage to work, but they didn’t stand a chance if her husband insisted upon keeping her emotionally at arm’s length. He should have told her he’d be leaving for six weeks the minute he’d learned that he’d been assigned sea duty. It cut deep slices against the grain of her pride whenever she realized how short a time they had left to be together. In a matter of hours he was scheduled to leave for heaven only knew how long—weeks, possibly months—and he hadn’t seen fit to so much as tell her. But then she was holding him at arm’s length herself, refusing to make love with him.
“I’m pleased you had a chance to meet Cheryl. I’m hoping the two of you will be friends.”
“I’m sure we will be.”
Riley glanced anxiously at his watch. “Listen, Steve reminded me of something this afternoon. I apologize that I didn’t have time to talk it over with you, but apparently it’s my turn to host the poker game.”
“The poker game,” she echoed, playing innocent.
“Yeah. Four of us from the Atlantis get together every other week or so and play low-stakes poker. With the wedding and the move, the game completely slipped my mind. Steve mentioned it this afternoon. I couldn’t very well cancel it on such short notice.”
“In other words, you’d like for me to disappear for the next several hours?”
“Not at all. You can stay, if that’s what you want.” But his words didn’t sound the least bit sincere. “Only...”
“Yes?” she prompted.
“The guys aren’t used to having a woman around. Steve’s the only one who’s married, so there might be some objectionable language. I’ll do my best to be sure the guys tone it down.”
“I see.” Hannah could picture it already. She’d be as out of place at her husband’s poker party as she was the night she rushed into the waterfront tavern. No doubt if she stayed she’d be wheezing cigarette smoke and picking up countless empty beer bottles.
“We generally drink a few beers, too, but not enough to get drunk,” he added, confirming her suspicions.
“I get the point, Riley,” she said, reaching for her coat and purse. “How long should I be gone?”
Her husband wasn’t a man to hesitate. He didn’t do it often but he did so now. He exhaled sharply and jerked his fingers through his hair. “I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that. I feel like enough of a heel as it is.”
“One movie? Or should I plan on taking in a double feature?” she asked stoically.
“I forgot about the stupid game, all right? There’ve been other things on my mind lately. If you want to crucify me for that, then go ahead.”
She took her own sweet time buttoning her coat. “Do you need me to fix you something for dinner before I leave?”
Riley shook his head. “No, thanks.”
“All right then, I’ll go now. I assume you have no objections to my taking the car?”
“Of course not.”
“Fine. Then I’ll plan on being back as late as I can.”
He closed his eyes tightly. “Why do I feel so damn guilty?” he shouted. “I forget about a stupid poker game and—”
“Perhaps it’s the other thing you’re forgetting that’s troubling you,” she announced calmly. Her heart was pounding at double time, but for all outward appearances she was the picture of serenity. A deep blue mountain lake couldn’t compare with the tranquillity she faultlessly portrayed.
“The other thing?” he yelled. “Damn it all to hell. There’s nothing I hate more than a woman who refuses to talk straight. If you have a problem, I suggest you spell it out right now, because I refuse to play guessing games with you.”
“Guessing games?” she returned flippantly. “I don’t like playing them myself.” With a scornful tilt of her head she tapped her finger against her lips. Until she’d married Riley, Hannah hadn’t known it was in her to be so sarcastic. “Now let me see, when will Riley be shipping out next? I do wonder.”
His mouth tightened. “Cheryl told you.”
“No,” Hannah cried, battling fury and pain. “She assumed I knew...assumed any husband would tell his wife. Only I’m not any wife, am I? You want me about as much as you want this marriage. You couldn’t have spelled it out any plainer than this. Well, I don’t want this marriage, either.”
The crescent-shaped lines around Riley’s mouth went white. His eyes, sharp, clear, intense, cut into her as effectively as a hunting knife. It was all too apparent he was having difficulty holding on to his composure. “We’ll discuss this later.”
“There’s nothing more to discuss,” she retorted. “You’ve already told me everything I need to know. I’m an encumbrance in your life. You don’t want to be married to me. Trust me, it doesn’t come as any shock. I didn’t want this marriage, either—you were the one who insisted. I don’t understand why. I never intended to drag you into this. I never even intended for you to know about the baby. You were the one... Why, Riley, why did you insist upon marrying me? I have a right to know that much.”
Her demand was met with stark, naked silence. She rubbed the heel of her hand down her face, wiping away evidence of her tears. She stared at him, damning him for being there that fateful night. How much simpler her life would have been if she’d called a cab. She’d been such a fool, and her stupidity was ruining three lives.
“Why did I insist upon marrying you?” he repeated hoarsely. “Because I didn’t want my son to grow up a bastard the way I did.”