IF I WERE THE OCEAN, I’D CARRY YOU HOME

Paul drives west on the 10 Freeway, over the 405. His step-daughter is in the backseat. She is seven years old. Her name is Scharlene. She asks him where her father is. Paul doesn’t want to tell her where her father is. He doesn’t want to tell her where he actually is, but he also doesn’t want to lie to her about where her father is either. He doesn’t want to lie because he had promised her to always tell her the truth, a promise he made when her father, Tomas, first introduced them. Paul had knelt down and tried to shake her hand, but she wouldn’t shake his hand. He had then said that he respected her reticence. He couldn’t tell if she understood what he was saying. She had not looked like she understood. Then it had occurred to Paul to make a deal with her. If Scharlene would give him a chance, he promised to always to tell her the truth. She still would not shake Paul’s hand, but she did smile and that seemed enough.

It’s now two years into that promise. Paul has kept his end of their deal. It was easier than he expected, until today. Today, he starts by trying to tell Scharlene what Tomas told him to tell her, that Tomas has to go away for work. This is not untrue, but it’s also not really true either.

Paul then tries to tell Scharlene what is really true: Tomas left to go live in Chengdu, China. No, they are not going with him. Yes, Paul is Chinese, Chinese American. No, Paul has never been to Chengdu and actually had never heard of it before Tomas’s news. As for Scharlene, Scharlene is now supposed to go live with Priscilla, Scharlene’s mother, whom she hasn’t seen since she was a baby.

Paul doesn’t tell her any of that either.

Scharlene looks at him for what feels like a long time. Paul looks back at Scharlene. Then Scharlene looks out the window.

Paul exhales and goes back to trying to figure out where he’s going.

He’s heading toward Priscilla’s apartment, or at least the last place that he remembers that Priscilla lived. He takes his cell phone and tries calling her. He’s not sure if he has the right number. He hasn’t talked to Priscilla in a long time. The phone rings. Nobody answers. It goes to voicemail. The voicemail is not Priscilla’s voice. It’s the robot voice. The robot voice recites the phone number. Paul hangs up.

He can’t remember the name of Priscilla’s street. He knows it was close to a small airport. He finds the airport. He circles the airport. Planes fly overhead. They look like old-timey planes. Small, noisy propeller planes. Then Paul passes Send-agaya Station, the bar they used to go to. When he sees Send-agaya Station, the directions come back to him. He turns a corner onto what he’s pretty sure is Priscilla’s street. Then about halfway down the block, he finds Priscilla’s apartment building.

The shape of the building looks the same as Paul remembers. It’s a two-story complex with ten units, maybe twelve. It looks the same except now there’s a chain-link fence and the grass has been paved over. Priscilla was in apartment number one, on the first floor, up in front, facing the street. Its door is closed but the curtains are open. Paul can see someone through the window, a woman. It has to be her.

He puts the car in park but leaves the engine running. He checks on Scharlene. She’s asleep. He takes another look at the building. He takes out his cell phone and redials Priscilla’s number. This time someone answers.

“Pri? Is this Priscilla Zhou?”

“Who’s this?”

Paul sighs. He knows the voice, low and always tired-sounding. And he can see her now, through the window talking on her cell phone. They talk for a minute, maybe two. They start with small talk, “How are you? Oh my God. It’s been so long. It has. I’ve been okay. How’s Tomas. Oh. How’s the baby.”

Then after the small talk, “Oh. China? Really? The baby’s still here in LA. No. I don’t know. I don’t.”

Then Priscilla says, “Wow.”

Paul says, “Tomas wants you to take her.”

“No?”

“That’s what he said.”

“Wow, Paulie. It’s really a bad time though. I’m actually up north right now. On a job. Don’t really know when I’ll be back in LA.”

Paul sighs. He watches Priscilla pace.

He says, “I’m outside your apartment. I can see you through your window.”

“What?” she says. “That can’t be. I’m in Fresno, man.”

Paul gets out of the car, walks toward the building. He’s still on his phone. The car is still running.

“What are you doing? This is your child we’re talking about.”

Priscilla doesn’t respond. Paul keeps walking.

“Pri? Come on.”

Paul gets to her door and knocks. There’s no answer. He knocks again and shouts for Priscilla to answer. There’s no answer. He tries the doorknob. It’s locked. He stands at the door and waits for a second. He’s still holding his cell phone to his ear. He then walks over to the window and looks in. There’s not much to see, a big TV and a long couch. He doesn’t see Priscilla. He looks back to the car and worries if Scharlene is okay. He waits for another few seconds. Every second feels very long. He then hangs up his phone and puts it back in his pocket and walks back to the car.

Paul pulls into the beach parking lot. He turns off the engine. Scharlene wakes up when he turns off the engine. She asks again about Tomas.

Paul says, “Your dad’s not feeling well.”

Scharlene looks at him. She doesn’t look like she believes him.

Paul says, “Your dad’s getting some rest right now.”

Paul doesn’t say anything more. He gets out of the car. He looks up. There’s a glare from the sun. His eyes adjust. He looks at Scharlene. She’s squinting. He puts a hat on her head. He looks at the hat. The hat’s a little crooked. He adjusts the hat, pats her head, and then helps her out of the car.

The two of them walk toward the boardwalk. Scharlene seems tense. Her shoulders are hunched. She has her hands balled up into fists. Paul stops and kneels down. He takes one of her hands. She relaxes it. He puts his hand over hers. She grabs on. She looks worried. Then a man on a bicycle rides by with a loud radio strapped onto his handlebar. He comes close. Scharlene flinches.

Paul says, “You’re okay.”

Scharlene doesn’t say anything back. Paul thinks maybe they should go home. He tells her again that she’s okay. She still seems uncomfortable, but she starts walking.

Paul feels self-conscious as they make their way past a crowd in the parking lot. It’s obvious to him that he and Scharlene are not related. Paul thinks he looks about as Chinese as humanly possible. He is short and fit, with a round face, narrow eyes, and thick, straight, perfectly black hair. He has always been self-conscious of his looks. Working out daily to bulk up and, until recently, dying his hair into a sandy blonde. Meanwhile, Scharlene has almost no trace of her mother’s Asian ancestry. Instead, she’s like a clone of Tomas. Her shoulders broad. Her arms and legs sinewy. She has a square jaw and rounded cheekbones, light hair and grey eyes. Paul imagines the crowd’s suspicion, or at least curiosity. What’s the deal with this Asian guy and this white little kid? But no one says anything.

The two of them reach the end of the parking lot. They go up the wooden steps to the boardwalk. Paul thinks of the boardwalk as a place for tourists. He calls it a capitalist carnival.

“Real LA people don’t come here,” he says.

“We’re not real LA people?”

Paul laughs, and they both seem to loosen up a little bit.

They get up to the boardwalk. Scharlene looks around. There’s a lot for her to see.

He says, “Go ahead. Whatever you want.”

Scharlene looks up at Paul with a questioning look on her face. Paul isn’t usually this relaxed about his money.

“Yes, I mean it.”

She doesn’t go, but she leans forward a little. Paul lets go of her hand and gives her a soft push. She doesn’t budge. He takes her hand again.

“Okay. We’ll do this together.”

The two of them go. First, they play carnival games. They don’t win anything. Paul jokes that the games are rigged. Scharlene doesn’t seem to understand what he means.

Next, they ride carnival rides. The rides are shaky. Surprisingly, Scharlene isn’t scared on the rides. This reminds him of Tomas, brave when it comes to physical things.

Next, Paul buys her a conch shell. Scharlene holds it to his ear. He doesn’t hear anything.

He says, “I don’t hear anything.”

Scharlene laughs. Paul then buys her a blue parasol. It gets blown away by a gust of wind. He offers to buy another one, but Scharlene says, “No thank you.” Then Paul buys her a framed Polaroid picture of Scharlene next to a cardboard cutout of the mighty Thor, because they both agree it looks like Tomas.

Slowly, they work their way to the quiet end of the boardwalk. Scharlene stops at a woman sitting on a heavy blanket. The blanket has wooden toys on it. Scharlene looks at each toy. Some are animals. Some are people. Some are things like cars or treasure chests. Scharlene picks up a boat.

She says, “I like this one.”

The woman says, “It’s gopher wood.”

Paul says, “Like Noah’s Ark?”

Paul laughs and then reaches out and takes the boat from Scharlene.

He says, “Maybe I’ll keep this one for my office.”

Scharlene snatches the boat back from Paul’s hand.

Paul shouts at her before he can stop himself.

“No!”

Scharlene is startled. She looks down. Her eyes get teary. She holds the boat out to Paul.

Paul exhales and rubs his face. He looks at Scharlene. She looks scared but also angry. He puts both hands on the boat. He tries to push the boat back to her. He tries not to push too hard. Scharlene resists by locking her elbows. The pointy end of the boat digs into the palm of Paul’s hand. He pushes the boat a little bit hard, but Scharlene still won’t take it back. Paul stops pushing.

He looks at her and wants to say that this is all unfair. That he’s not the bad guy here. He’s the good guy. He wants to grab hold of Scharlene and tell her that he is the good guy here. He wants to make her see that. That this is not his fault. That this is neither his fault nor his responsibility. But all really just an act of goodness on his part. And isn’t he hurt here as well? Doesn’t he deserve some care and sympathy? Someone to buy him candy and toys?

He can feel his eyes tear up now. He wants to break the boat. He squeezes the boat very hard, but it doesn’t break.

Then he exhales, and then he breathes in.

He exhales again.

He relaxes his hold on the boat.

He says, “Good, quick reflexes. Like a cat.”

Paul does not like cats, but he knows Scharlene likes cats. When he talks about cats, he thinks of it as some kind of code to let her know that the two of them are on the same team. He doesn’t know if she understands.

Paul gives the boat back to Scharlene. She holds it for a second and then puts it back down on the woman’s blanket. Paul exhales again, but now not so much in a frustrated way as in a tired way. He thinks about how sensitive Scharlene and Tomas are. How can such physically strong people be so emotionally fragile?

Paul takes out his billfold.

“How much for the boat.”

The woman frowns.

“Six dollars.”

Paul gives her a ten and says to keep the change. The woman takes the money without thanking him. He picks up the boat with one hand and reaches out his other hand to Scharlene. She takes his hand. They walk back down the boardwalk. They don’t talk for a little while. Then, Scharlene starts talking about the rides and then the candy and then the umbrella. Paul nods his head. He’s still a little mad, but he’s also happy that things seem back to normal.

By the time they get to where the tarmac meets the sand, Scharlene looks tired. Paul puts her things into his backpack. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and shakes it. There’s one cigarette left. He takes it out and then puts it back. Then he puts the backpack back on. Then he picks Scharlene up and puts her up on his shoulders.

Paul looks out across the beach as he walks. He’s surprised at how big everything looks. The sand seems to go on forever like a desert from out of the Bible. And the sky too. It stretches out like a big blue tarp. Then, he thinks, the ocean is like God, mumbling in a secret language. He listens as he walks. He feels the sand spray behind him. Scharlene is still on his shoulders. When they get close to the water, Paul finds a dry spot. He rolls up his pants legs. He opens the backpack and takes out a clipboard. He starts to dig out a flat spot. He calls it, “the base.”

He then starts piling wet sand on to the base. He forms it into a stack of blocks. Scharlene seems to realize what he’s doing.

Scharlene says, “Sandcastle?”

Paul stands up.

“Correct. And you are in charge of hydro-engineering.”

Scharlene looks at him.

“Get the water.”

Scharlene nods.

Paul says, “This is not a child’s job. This is real work. Are you sure you can handle it?”

Scharlene salutes him.

“Yes, sir.”

Paul laughs.

He salutes back.

He hands her the bucket. Scharlene wades into the surf, splashing her feet as she goes. She gets about waist high and starts to fill the bucket. Then a wave comes and knocks her off balance. The water spills. She fills the bucket again. The same thing happens. She looks up at Paul. He can tell she is frustrated. He thinks it’d be easier to get the water for her, but instead he pretends not to see her, making a show of carving out the notches on the castle walls. Scharlene frowns and halfheartedly scoops at the water. The bucket fills halfway and then gets dumped out and then gets filled halfway again. Then a wave comes in. Scharlene holds the half-full bucket, and it doesn’t spill. Her eyes widen. She looks up to Paul. She wraps her arms around the bucket. She lugs it up through the surf, up the shore, and back to the castle. When she gets to Paul, he takes the bucket and pours it out around the castle.

Paul says, “We’ll need more.”

He looks at her from the corner of his eye. She claps her hands together and hurries back to the water. Paul goes back to work. Scharlene gets more water. Paul keeps acting like he’s too busy with his own work to notice how happy she is. Scharlene doesn’t seem to mind the lack of attention. This goes on for a while. Then, before he knows it, Paul is almost done. He’s just finishing the tower. The tower is tricky because it’s so tall and also skinny. Paul takes his time. He just has one more thing to do, a little window on the top floor.

“That will be your room, Charley.”

Scharlene nods.

“What about your room?”

Paul thinks. He thinks he needs a big room for his many books. He also thinks he’d like nice lighting, and also a view of the ocean. Keeping all that in mind, he points to the southwest corner of the castle.

“That will be my office. So I can watch the sunset.”

“That’s a good one.”

She looks up at Paul.

“And Daddy?”

“Your dad?” says Paul. “Well, what about your mom?”

Scharlene looks at Paul like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“Your mom might want a room in the castle.”

“No, you know my mom doesn’t live with us.”

“Oh,” he says. “Okay.”

“What about Daddy though?”

“Daddy? Well, as for your dad. Let me see.”

Paul looks around the castle. He tries to picture Tomas in the tower with Scharlene or in the office with him, but both of those feel wrong. He tries to picture Tomas in the courtyard, practicing sword fighting or bow and arrow or just having a laugh with the other knights. Tomas would like that, but it’s still not quite right. Then Paul reaches into his backpack and takes out the toy boat. He holds it up in front of Scharlene. He points at the little steering wheel and captain’s chair.

“Here,” he says. “Here is where Tomas will live.”

Scharlene takes the boat and holds it up to her face, right up to the tip of her nose.

“Here?” she says.

The two of them look at the boat. They look over the deck from front to back and to the front again. They focus in on the little captain’s chair.

“Yes,” says Paul. “Here, right here.”

Scharlene takes the boat to the castle. Scharlene looks over the sandcastle. She checks the top of the tower from a few different angles. Then she puts the toy boat on the top of it. She moves it around a little to make sure it’s level. When she’s done, she lays down on her stomach and rests her cheek on a warm pillow of dry sand. Paul leans himself back onto his elbows. He takes out his last cigarette. He twirls it in his fingers. He imagines this tiny sandcastle version of his family. Scharlene is the princess. Tomas is the king. Paul is also a king. Then he thinks that it’s odd to have the one king stuck in a boat. It’s like a kind of a jail, but a safe and loving jail.

The tide quietly rises as Paul thinks about Tomas in the boat. It creeps up the shore a little bit at a time, a little bit and a little bit. The sun starts leaning toward the horizon. Clouds float through the sky and pass in front of the sun. The sunbeams poke through the gaps. One beam shines onto Scharlene like it’s directed by some angelic stagehand.

The first wave to reach the castle just touches and then retreats. The next wave does the same. This goes on until a small corner of sand gives way and collapses. Paul sees this and looks to Scharlene. She gets up off the sand and goes around to the broken corner. She looks worried. Then, another wave comes and takes another chunk out of the same corner. Scharlene jumps back. She runs over to Paul.

Scharlene says, “The castle is breaking.”

She says more, a frantic tone in her voice. It is hard to understand all of what she’s saying. She is already so upset, and Paul can feel himself getting upset because Scharlene is upset. He feels like he has to fix this for her. Then he’s mad that he can’t. Then he realizes he’s really waited too long to tell her about Tomas.

Paul says, “Scharlene, sit with me for a minute.”

She points to the castle.

Paul says, “I need to tell you something. Something important.”

She pulls his arm. She doesn’t seem interested in what Paul has to say. But Paul doesn’t budge. So, Scharlene sits.

Paul says, “The world of adults is much more complicated than the world of children.”

Scharlene says, “I know that.”

“Yes,” he says. “You know that, but there are things you know here.”

He taps her forehead.

“But that you don’t yet know here.”

He taps her sternum.

Scharlene says, “The heart.”

“Yes. So, you understand what I’m talking about? You can know something like from a book or from a story, but it’s not the same until it happens to you.”

Scharlene squints at him. Paul points to the toy boat.

“It’s like Noah. We teach that story to children your age. You understand what happened. He collected the animals, the flood came, and he sailed in his boat until the flood was over. It’s a nice story. Right?”

“There weren’t any sails on Noah’s ark.”

Despite himself, this makes Paul laugh.

“So,” he continues. “For us it’s a fun story. But think about it for Noah. For Noah, it wasn’t fun. It was really scary. God tells him to do this very strange and scary thing. And he does it, but then he has to see everyone he’s ever known drown in the ocean. Gone. Everything. People he knew since he was little. His friends. His neighbors. His family. His mommy, and then his daddy.”

Scharlene nods.

“Yes, yes, I understand.”

But she’s only a kid. Paul doesn’t think she really understands.

He says, “The ocean will take everything, eventually.”

Scharlene looks at him with a confused look on her face.

“Not everything. The ocean didn’t take Noah.”

“Well, I guess not.”

“And the ocean didn’t take Noah’s animals.”

“No, I guess not them either.”

This is not the point that Paul wants to make. He wants to explain something about loss to Scharlene, but he’s not saying it right. He tries to think of a better way to say it, but nothing comes to mind. Meanwhile, Scharlene looks impatient.

Paul gets up. He puts his still-unlit last cigarette in his mouth.

“Okay, then,” he says. “Let’s get started.”

They walk up the shore toward a pile of driftwood. Paul tells Scharlene they need the wood for a wall. She runs off to get the wood. Paul watches the waves come in. A small wave hits the castle and brings down what was supposed to be Paul’s office. Scharlene drops an armful of branches and runs toward the castle. Paul follows after her.

They work out a little system. Paul piles the branches while Scharlene sods the pile with wet sand. This holds for a while. The wall redirects the smaller waves and absorbs the bigger ones. But each wave breaks down a little bit of the wall. The sand melts and the wood gets washed away. The two keep working, but the tide keeps coming in deeper. Paul finds a long, paddle shaped branch. He uses the paddle to dig a trench about a foot in front of the castle. He calls it the moat. Scharlene does the same with the clipboard. Then she gives up on the clipboard and starts using her arms and legs to block the water, laying down as a human barricade.

This goes on for a while, but it is, as Paul knew from the start, a lost cause. Eventually, the tide comes in too far and overtakes the moat, then the wall, and then finally the castle itself. By this time, Scharlene can barely lift her arms to shoo away the water. She lays limp like a washed-up ocean animal. Paul picks her up and carries her the four or five feet to dry land. She lifts her head up to look at Paul. He holds her by the armpits and looks into her eyes. She pats him on the top of his head.

Scharlene says, “Good job, Daddy.”

Paul looks at her. He tilts his head to the side and wonders if she called him that on purpose, but it doesn’t seem like it.

Paul says, “Good job to you.”

Scharlene says, “We’ll make another one tomorrow.”

And Paul says, “Of course.”

She pulls away and goes back to the water, about knee-high. She’s wobbly, but looks okay. He follows her. Together they step around, feeling with their feet for their castle, but it is just flat smooth sand now.

As they feel around the ocean floor with their toes, Paul sees the toy boat float by. It sways with the tide, rushing toward the beach. Then it’s still for a second before being carried back out. Paul tries to wade over to it. At about chest high, Paul closes in, but a receding pull carries the boat past his reach. He thinks he might be able to get to it if he swims. He might, he thinks, as he watches the boat being carried further and further away, until it’s lost in the swells and shadows.

And then he hears a voice through the noisy surf and wind.

The voice says, “Paul!”

Paul turns back to the shoreline. He sees Scharlene waving at him. What’s left of the sunlight shines on her. The noise from the ocean rumbles around him. It sounds a little bit like a song. Paul listens. Waves and waves and waves and then birds, some birds squawk as they fly overhead. Scharlene waves and waves. Paul waves back and starts to walk toward her.

“Charley,” he says. “Are you okay?”

He wipes water from her face and tucks her hair behind her ears.

She says, “I’m okay.”

“I was, I don’t know. I was getting the boat. But I couldn’t reach it.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Paul picks her up and bounces her in the crook of his elbow to secure her balance. She wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him. He hugs her back. Then he starts walking to shore. They sway with the tide. When they get to the beach, they pass his backpack. Paul reaches down and picks it up with his free hand. He does this without slowing down. With the bag on one shoulder and Scharlene on his hip, everything feels balanced and light. Scharlene feels light. So light it’s as if he can toss her up into the air, and she’d float away. But he doesn’t toss her up into the air. He holds on to her. She leans her head on his shoulder. She’s quiet for a second, and then startles as if she fell asleep and then suddenly woke up.

“I’ve got you,” he says. “I’ve got you.”

Scharlene nods and drops her head back onto his shoulder. As they make their way, she tells him what her favorite things about the beach are, and Paul picks the grains of sand out of her hair.