Okay, Dubya has now been sworn in. Along with the official and unofficial swearing, if we’ve heard one thing over the past few months since our national electile dysfunction, it’s that it’s a time for healing. We agree. We’ve begun with things that soothe.
First, ostensibly to help heal Bonnie’s knee injury, we ordered a new bathtub with whirlpool jets. Our original tub, when filled to its brim, would not cover Calista Flockhart much less one of us.
So the plumbers came, pulled out the teeny tub and set the new one in place. Then, the two butch plumbers, wearing dangerously low-riding blue jeans, explained that we needed to build a frame for the tub that extended at least six extra inches so “you have room to put the candles and wine glasses.” Oh???
“Yeah,” said the second plumber, “this should be the last thing you girls do each day so you can really relax and enjoy it.” It was a wonderfully surreal moment.
Unfortunately, when the two most sensitive plumbers in history turned the motor on to test the whirlpool, water spewed all over the floor, the plumbers and our hopes of a candlelit evening.
“O.K.” said the chief plumber, “while we arrange for replacement parts from the manufacturer, you can fill the tub, but don’t use the jets.”
That only sounded easy. First off, the faucet wasn’t installed, so water just dribbled out of the copper pipe. At this rate we’d have a bath for the 2004 inaugural (Go Hillary!).
Eager to get to the candles and wine, we grabbed our spaghetti pot and lobster steamer from the kitchen, started filling them with hot water from the sink and dumping them overboard into the tub. There hasn’t been so much running with pots of boiling water since Butterfly McQueen began birthing babies in Gone With The Wind.
By the time the tub was one third full, we uncorked the Merlot and figured that our ample body displacement would make up the difference. Just after we hopped in, the faucet’s dribble turned icy cold.
Then we became uncorked. We sat in 8 inches of water, realizing that our water heater had just hollered Uncle. Not only didn’t the tub’s plumbing work, but when it did get repaired we wouldn’t have enough hot water in the house to fill it. Great, our bargain spa needed a new water heater. Talk about taking a bath.
In the meantime, we hastily clinked glasses and climbed out of the tub—not as easy as we’d imagined either. Hauling ourselves up from the depths wasn’t pretty. I now understand the value of grab bars, if not ejection seats.
Hence, the next part of our quest for healing involved striving for more flexibility. We signed up for yoga class.
I’ve always suspected that yoga was way too California-wear-some-flowers-in-your-hair for me. I just couldn’t see myself quieting my brain or my mouth long enough to practice anything involving relaxation and patience. But alas, I was persuaded to go to a complimentary class.
Skeptical and scared of displaying my physical and mental inflexibility, I diffidently followed my mate into the studio —a room bathed in soft light and arranged with a dozen mats on the floor. Very kindergarten nap time.
As Yogameister Susan started her melodically soft-spoken instructions, I found myself going with the flow and coming as close to total relaxation as I’d ever imagined I could achieve.
So we signed up for a semester. Ours is the gentle yoga class, which is a polite way of saying it’s for the elasticity challenged. We each have our own particular infirmities, with some of us just suffering from too much Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
But yoga eschews judgment at every turn. At our next class I found out that nothing is a problem. If somebody can’t stretch far enough to achieve a specific position, a dowel in hand can bridge the gap. And you can roll blankets under any body part you want for comfort. Can’t reach far enough around your own thunder thighs to pull your knees to your chest? There’s a canvas belt available to help. I appreciated the assist, but I’m sure I looked like a piece of furniture cinched into place on a Bekins Van.
Of course, I shouldn’t have been thinking about how I looked, since I was supposed to be concentrating on my breathing and letting my brain and internal organs relax.
You know, it is possible to relax too much. Under the heading of “that’s okay, it’s supposed to happen,” certain yoga positions can, how shall I put this, cause …um… flatulence. I think everybody in our class, at one time or another, has produced an audible emission. I find myself watching what I eat for lunch on yoga days. I don’t think that praying you’ll get through the hour without breaking wind is the kind of meditation we’re encouraged to practice.
Anyway, when we did some bending movements, I was surprised to hear my instructor say I was very flexible. And not just my jaw, which I knew was in shape from blabbing. Apparently my waist and shoulders weren’t as unyielding as I’d thought, either. Gee, next time Bonnie and I are having a “discussion,” and I’m accused of being inflexible, I will have a retort.
This yoga stuff really is impressive. We’ve learned to be in the moment, concentrate on our breathing and try to calm the adrenalin rush of our daily lives. After stretching, comes quiet time, when Miss Susan reads to us. We all lie on our mats, surrounded by our blankies, dowels and belts, and, if we’d like, little black beanbag masks to block the light from our eyes.
I know I’m supposed to be resting my mind, but I did wonder if, with all our innocent apparatus lying about, we looked like some kind of S&M cultists.
But the truth is, our yoga sessions are fun, good exercise and very, very soothing for both body and soul. Which is a good thing. Because the bathtub is still a construction site. And we’ve spent weeks trying to select tile. Hmmmm, now we’ve got a bad case of selectile dysfunction (sorry).
Bidding a fond farewell to tiling, we’re off to yoga class to cleanse our minds of home improvement. I just love when Susan ends her class with the soothing mantra “Be in the moment, Go in peace, Take it with you.”
I usually take it with me right to half price fajita night and there’s a whole week for Beano before the next class. Between the calm of yoga and our plumbers’ prophecy of wine, women and song, I can feel myself healing already. Be in the moment, you-all.