Dearest Ben,
We are coping well here at the school but missing you terribly. The canteen witches have been very kind and given us their jobs while they take a few days off to visit a theme park. Apparently a new roller coaster has just opened. The witches may be magic, but roller coasters absolutely astound them.
I must say, getting the hang of human things is tricky after a lifetime on Mist. My job is to deep-fat fry things, and I am rather good at it now, if I do say so myself. I’ve done chips, fish and homework jotters. Your father is on washing-up duty, which is a lot more difficult here in the canteen. He’s been doing plates and cups and all the gym kits, which the kids tell us is definitely the responsibility of the canteen staff. Oh, and a squirrel.
The head teacher is so incredibly lovely and always asking us if we’re feeling all right and if we need our ‘heads checked’, which is presumably her area of expertise, given her job title.
All in all, this experience has been wonderful, though I am plagued with constant worry for our island and especially your dear mistmakers. I am so proud of you for all that you are doing to help, and our steadfast and wonderful Odge too. But please, dear Ben, do be careful. The harpies’ tricks and talons are not to be taken lightly, and I do not want you doing anything that could put you in harm’s way. You must not let them find out you’re still there.
We think of you always and await your arrival through the gump. Come soon, Ben.
Love,
Mother and Fat-
P.S. Mistma ter Miss-es visit
The last section of the letter had been so thoroughly deep-fat fried that the final sentences were too crispy to read. They crumbled to nothing before any of them even noticed they were there, which was unfortunate because there was a very important P.S. right at the bottom.