A few minutes later, Kaitlyn pulled into her parking spot in front of the Bean. It was marked by a sign with a pink cup of steaming coffee on it that read “Owner,” which had been a gift from the town council when she’d first reopened the Bean after her grandfather died. The council was grateful that she’d saved it from being made into a chain coffee shop.
Every time she pulled into this space, she reminded herself that what she’d accomplished with the café had been risky and scary. She tried to derive strength from that for this next big challenge on her plate. But the sign wasn’t reassuring her now, and the thought of going up to her apartment alone was giving her the shakes. So she drove to her mom’s instead.
She dreaded telling her the thing she’d been warned against her entire life…getting pregnant with the wrong guy. Her mom had gotten pregnant in college with Kaitlyn’s older sister and had ended up marrying Kaitlyn’s father, which had turned out to be nothing short of disaster. He’d left when Kaitlyn was ten. Nothing in Kaitlyn’s own experience had proven to her that men stick around when the going gets tough.
Still, Kaitlyn hadn’t given up on the idea of finding a good man. She’d dated some questionable guys before Steve, but Steve had been a genuinely nice guy. He’d wanted to marry her, for goodness’ sake. And yet Kaitlyn couldn’t move forward with him, couldn’t put thoughts of Rafe aside. And look where that had gotten her!
She’d told Rafe she was capable and prepared to take on the responsibility of a baby with or without him, and she’d meant that. She was strong and she would get through this just fine. But sometimes, a girl just needed her mom.
“What’s up?” her mom asked as she let her into the tiny Cape Cod–style house. She was wearing a brown fuzzy robe that had reindeer antlers sticking out of a hood at her back. “Aren’t you usually crawling into bed with a book and the remote by now?”
“I—” Mom, I’m pregnant didn’t seem like the greatest lead-in for a conversation. “I was wondering if you’ve been able to find Grandpa’s snowcap cookie recipe anywhere.” Okay, maybe she wasn’t quite as brave as she thought.
Plus, she’d been the daughter who hadn’t made waves. Who was goal-oriented and capable and practical. And she couldn’t shake the feeling her mother was going to be very disappointed in her choices, no matter how much her mom loved Rafe.
“Oh! I did dig up something from the attic.” Her mom walked over to the dining room table and brought a big cardboard box back to the kitchen, where Kaitlyn had just sat down. “Here you go. Have at it. I was going to give this to you for your birthday, but there’s no sense in waiting. Also, I bought you and Hazel Christmas robes.” She lifted the fleece-lined hood of her robe over her head. Two padded reindeer antlers stuck straight up. Eyes and a bright red nose accompanied the antlers. “Do you want this style or one that has a penguin face on the hood?”
Guilt stabbed her again, as she realized that elevating the conversation from reindeer robes to babies was going to rock her mom’s world. “The robe is cute,” she said. “I love it. Hazel will too.”
Kaitlyn opened the box, which was full of old spiral-bound cookbooks and a stack of gallon-sized plastic freezer bags stuffed full of yellowed clippings and handwritten recipes—in her grandfather’s handwriting. That made her tear up.
She carefully thumbed through the old recipes. Hot cross buns, Swedish coffee ring, blueberry muffins. She remembered those blueberry muffins. She’d have one warmed up, dripping with butter, every Sunday when she visited him at the café.
“I’ve gone through all the clippings and loose papers for that darn cookie recipe,” her mom said, setting tea bags into Santa mugs. “But you’re welcome to search again. I asked Aunt Bea and all the ladies in my sewing club if they might have it, because we used to trade recipes all the time, but no luck.”
Kaitlyn got up and hugged her mom, maybe a little too tightly. “Thank you for doing this. I love looking at old recipes, even if the cookie recipe’s not in here.” Images of ones she could create—low-fat versions, vegan versions, gluten-free versions, organic versions—danced through her mind…Experimenting with baking was sort of Kaitlyn’s crack. Thinking about it centered her a little.
“Your grandfather was planning to put all his favorite recipes into a book for you, but then he passed so suddenly…”
Oh no. That choked her up a little too. “This is the next best thing.” She sat back down and forced herself to look her mom in the eye, ignoring her clammy hands and pounding heart. She spoke past the wad of cotton balls in her throat. “Mom, I need to tell you something…” she began.
“Oh dear, what’s wrong? I know that look. Just come out with it,” she said clutching her hand. “Did someone die?”
“I’m pregnant,” she blurted, then held her breath as the words processed. Her mom’s eyes grew wide.
“Well, I wondered. You’ve looked a little green around the gills.” She squeezed Kaitlyn’s hand with both of her own and looked at Kaitlyn with eyes full of love and concern. “Tell me, sweetheart.”
“Rafe and I slept together at that wedding a few months ago,” she blurted. “It was…impulsive. A mistake. We used protection but…it didn’t work. I want you to know even though this isn’t the most ideal way for this to happen, I’m thrilled, and Rafe…”
“Rafe what?” her mom asked, frowning. Her mom tightened the death grip on her coffee mug.
“He and I are going to raise this baby as friends.”
“As friends,” her mom murmured incredulously. “You’re kidding yourself if you think you two are just friends. Anyone can see the chemistry between you.”
Kaitlyn shook her head. “I know how he is. He’s not the kind to settle down. Like I said, it was a one-time thing. I—”
“One-time things don’t come out of nowhere when you two have been such close friends.”
“I don’t think he will ever get over what happened with Claire.”
“But that was years ago. And he was so young.”
“It devastated him. He still won’t even talk about it. And he doesn’t have to. I’m okay with raising this baby on my own. He doesn’t want a relationship. And I—I don’t either. I’ve always had a thing for him, but it was a fantasy. It’s time I put those feelings aside and grew up anyway. I just—worry that I’ve let you down.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” she said, clasping Kaitlyn’s hand across the table. “You can never let me down. When I found out I was pregnant, I quit college. You’ve got your degree and a thriving business. You’re far more mature and capable than I was at your age.”
“I don’t feel very mature and capable right now.”
“I’m glad you’re not going to jump into marriage with issues to work out. But I’m not sure you should give up on your relationship with Rafe either.”
Kaitlyn shook her head. She had to set her mother straight on this. “I know you love him, Mom, but there is no relationship.”
“In some ways, you’re the opposite of me—so capable and independent. Just don’t be afraid to need somebody else.”
Capable and independent was a compliment, right? Was there actually such a thing as being too independent?
“I’m thrilled. You’ll be a wonderful mother. And I’ll be a wonderful grandmother!” She left her chair to hug Kaitlyn, tearing up again.
It felt so good to be wrapped in her mom’s embrace that Kaitlyn started crying again too.
“I saw the softest, cutest yarn today in the craft store,” her mom said. “I can just imagine it being tiny baby booties and a little sweater and hat. And maybe even a matching baby blanket. I’m going to go back and buy it and start looking for patterns.” Then, she said softly, “This is wonderful news.”
“I love you, Mom,” she said. “And thanks for the recipes.”
“I’m excited to see what you do with them. Your grandfather would be so proud.”
Because life would go on, despite this little bump in the road.
* * *
“What’s your impression of me—as a guy?” Rafe asked. He glanced over at Colton as they both jogged up the hill they jokingly referred to as El Capitan, the biggest incline in town.
“I’m not sure if I understand the question,” Colton said, breathing hard.
The sun was bright and warm despite the cold, the light reflecting off a coating of fresh snow like millions of diamonds. Only the brilliant day did not come near to penetrating Rafe’s pensive mood. “Like, do I strike you as a mature adult that can be counted on?”
“Yeah, in a bar fight,” Colton said, laughing. Then he looked over and saw that Rafe wasn’t smiling. “Counted on to save someone’s life? Yes. To be a good brother and son—sure. To haul your ass up this hill—maybe. I mean, you are a little bit of a wimp about that.”
“You’re just saying that because I beat you last time.” They jogged in silence for a while. “I mean as far as being reliable and dependable.”
“I’d trust you to bring milk home after work. Rafe, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I mean as far as with women. Do I strike you as the kind of guy you can count on?”
“Oh,” Colton said, going radio silent.
“Colt?”
“I’m trying to think how to answer that. Because you’re…complicated. And why are you asking me this? Why don’t you ask Kaitlyn?”
“What makes you think this has anything to do with her?”
“Because it’s no secret you two were spending a lot of time together until recently. You know you could talk to me about that if you wanted to, right?”
“Just answer the question, okay?”
Colton sighed. “Most people would say you’re fun and easygoing. That you’re young and sowing your wild oats. But I’ve known you for a long time, and I’d say that’s probably only half true.”
The pavement below Rafe’s feet was punishing, and the cold air felt like fire in his lungs as they fought their way up the steepening incline. Colton knew his history better than anyone, and Rafe knew he wouldn’t judge him.
Rafe thought Colton was done talking, but he eyeballed him from the side. Judging by his dead-even gaze, he was about to say something Rafe wouldn’t like. “The truth is, you haven’t had a real relationship in years. Seems to me that you shy away from anything serious.”
“Well, I can’t this time.”
Colton slowed down and, on seeing the expression on Rafe’s face, came to a dead stop. “What do you mean?”
“Kaitlyn’s pregnant.”
Colton cast Rafe a bewildered look. “Whoa.”
Rafe doubled over to catch his breath and hold his side. He looked over the guardrails on the side of the road to see hills dotted with pine trees, a perfect winter postcard. But inside his head, nothing was picture perfect. “Sara knows. Kaitlyn had a doctor’s appointment with her.”
“I see.” He paused for a long time. “I had no idea you two were…you know.”
“We weren’t.” Rafe forced himself to continue. “I mean, we only did it one time.”
“Rafe, are we talking about sex here?” Colton asked. “Just to be clear.”
“It happened at Stephanie and Everett’s wedding.” Rafe held up his index finger for emphasis. “One time.”
Colton blew out a big breath. “That’s all it takes.”
“Tell me about it.”
“It’s clear you two like each other a lot,” Colton said.
“We were best friends,” Rafe said. “I mean, she’s easy to hang around with and talk to and kind and cute and…sort of the whole package…if I was the type of guy to want a relationship, that is.” Which he was not. If he ever needed confirmation of that fact, his reaction to Kaitlyn’s news about the baby solidified it. “Plus you know how close she is with Sara and Gabby. I knew to stay away, you know? And after it happened…things got weird. I never meant for it to happen. I should have kept it to friends.”
Colton snorted.
“What?” Geez, he was looking for some support here.
“Come on, Rafe. You’ve never looked at her like any kind of friend, even a bad one. Surely even you get that.”
“It was just the booze at the wedding, the blackout, the…why are you looking at me like that?”
“Rafe, it’s too late for excuses,” Colton said gently. “What are you going to do now?”
Rafe raked his hands through his hair. “Last night after she told me I was just…speechless. Dumbstruck. I tried to say the right things but I just…couldn’t. I’ve already let her down.”
“Shock is understandable. But only to a certain point.”
“I’m going to do the right thing,” he said, straightening. “I—I’m just not sure I got that across.” He’d fumbled badly. He’d done an awful job of showing any support.
Colton’s gaze was sympathetic. Maybe a little pitying too, which Rafe hated. “You know, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to try a relationship.”
Rafe shook his head, the sweat dripping off his face. “Not that. I can’t do that.”
“Why not? She’s a great woman. You get along. And clearly you have chemistry together.”
“I’m not cut out for that. For a relationship.”
“Rafe, I ought to kick you in the butt. How do you know that?”
Rafe couldn’t answer. Finally he looked Colton dead in the eye. “You were there. You know why.”
Colton put his hand on Rafe’s shoulder. “Let them go, Rafe. Don’t let the past prevent you from living a good life now—a great life. Two years ago I never imagined I could have the life I’m living now—with the woman of my dreams and a baby on the way. Love changes things. But you’ve got to make yourself vulnerable enough to let it in.”
Rafe stared at his friend. Saw the look in his eyes change as he spoke about Sara and their baby due next May. Kaitlyn’s and his baby would come along a month or two after that, he imagined.
A baby. His and Kaitlyn’s baby.
“I can’t tell you what to do,” Colton said. “But if you tell her you don’t want to try a relationship, she’ll move on. She’s not the type to sit around and pine after someone.” He slapped Rafe on the back. “Even if it’s your pretty face.”
An image popped into his head, clear and bitter as the cold air, of Kaitlyn carrying a toddler with a tumble of blond curls and big blue eyes…right over to Steve.
Another man with her. Raising their daughter. Or son, whichever it was.
Okay, he was not having that. He might be the unworthiest person to be given the opportunity to be a parent, but over his dead body would he ever surrender that responsibility to somebody else. Especially to Steve, who didn’t know what made Kaitlyn laugh or that she secretly loved those bloody horror movies where the teenagers all do stupid stuff to get themselves eaten by zombies or even how she took her coffee. I mean, how could you be with someone who didn’t even know how to fix your coffee?
And he might not be able to do a relationship, but he could do everything else.
Suddenly he realized he hadn’t told Kaitlyn any of this. That a baby was a blessing. That a baby was a miracle and a privilege. That thinking about that made him scared out of his mind but also…hopeful.
Hopeful of what? That he could maybe one day live the life he was once denied?
No. He couldn’t even go there. But the point was, he could do better. A lot better.
Suddenly he knew what he had to do. “Last one up the hill buys the beers,” he said, and took off running.