The ER was bustling at three in the morning. The staff had hung tinsel and Christmas lights from the nurses’ station, and the long counter was filled with gift boxes of Christmas cookies, candy, and other goodies. As Kaitlyn sat down in a wheelchair and let herself be wheeled to an exam room, Rafe stayed by her side, nodding to several paramedics, the charge nurse, and a few ER docs he knew from bringing in patients over the years. Rafe looked worried and uncomfortable but Kaitlyn was glad that the staff knew him, glad he knew the doctors and nurses personally.
A woman in a white coat who wore a stethoscope around her neck approached them. “Hey, Rafe,” she said, before turning her attention to Kaitlyn. “I’m Amira Miruwani,” she said, “one of the ER docs.” She smiled kindly at Kaitlyn and gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll be in to see you as soon as I can.” That left them to do one thing—wait.
“She’s a good doctor,” Rafe said.
Kaitlyn nodded. “I’m calling my mom to go over and check on the puppy. Is that okay with you? I don’t want him to be crying and no one to be there.”
Rafe ran his hands through his hair, which made it stick up at odd angles. “I can call one of my sisters instead so you don’t have to bother your mom.”
“She’s usually up early. You would just have to tell her how to get into the house.”
In the exam room, fifteen minutes felt like fifteen hours.
“Rafe, it’s going to be okay,” she found herself saying. “No matter what happens, we’ll get through this.” She’d said we’ll on purpose. Because after tonight, there was a we, wasn’t there?
She was trying to be strong for him, but she could see how upset he was. He paced the small room, clenching his hands into fists. She motioned to the chair beside the exam table. “Come sit with me?”
She wanted him to be near her, to hold her hand. To comfort her with his presence. But she wanted to be a calming influence for him too.
“I’m going to ask what’s taking so long,” he said, walking over to the door.
“You’ve already asked three times,” she said in a coarse whisper.
Rafe glanced nervously at his watch. “I just don’t understand why they can’t hurry up.”
“There’s nothing they can do if—if I’m losing the baby. It’s too…early.” Her eyes filled with tears. Across the room, Rafe’s face went white as the walls. She’d never felt so helpless in her life. To help herself or him.
Finally Dr. Miruwani came in with the portable ultrasound machine, asking questions as she set up. “Okay, sweetheart,” she said, patting Kaitlyn’s arm, a gesture that had a surprisingly calming effect. “Take a deep breath. You too, Rafe,” she said over her shoulder. “Now, I’m just going to ask you a couple of questions. Are you passing clots? Do you feel light-headed? Do you have pain or cramping?”
No, no, and no. Dr. Miruwani did an abdominal exam and a pelvic exam.
“We had sex earlier,” Kaitlyn said. “Could that have done something?” One glance at Rafe showed him to be deathly pale.
“First of all, your cervical exam was normal. There’s no external evidence that you’re miscarrying the baby. And to answer your question, no, having sex could not have caused this problem. But I’m going to do an ultrasound right now. We’ll see if we can hear the baby’s heartbeat and maybe find out what else is going on.”
Rafe stood next to Kaitlyn’s bed as the typical black-and-white fuzz appeared on the screen. And something else too. A rapid, regular whooshing sound, a heartbeat under water, that pounded out loud and clear.
Kaitlyn still held her breath, waiting for Dr. Miruwani to speak.
“Oh, that’s a good sign,” the doctor said, breathing a sigh of relief. “That’s a great, strong heartbeat.” She pointed to the screen, where they saw, clear as day, the outline of the baby, hands and feet moving as actively as when she’d first seen it.
Hi, baby, she said silently. Be okay. Please, please be okay, so your daddy can be okay too.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Rafe staring at the screen. She saw him swallow, his jaw taut. She had no idea what he was thinking, just that he looked like he was ready to bolt.
Her eyes blurred as the doctor continued to point out things, reinforcing again that the baby was just fine. But her fear was that Rafe was not.
“The placenta is in a good location,” the doctor continued, “and there are no abnormalities there. But I do see a blood clot between the bag of waters and the wall of the uterus. What we call a subchorionic hematoma. That’s the likely source of your bleeding.”
“What does that mean?” Kaitlyn asked. She really couldn’t picture whatever it was the doctor was pointing to.
“In most cases, no one knows why these bleeds occur, but they tend to resolve spontaneously without problem. You should have a follow-up ultrasound in a week. And no sex for now.”
At the mention of sex again, Rafe cringed.
“Once it’s resolved, you’re free to resume sexual activity,” she continued, making Rafe turn the color of the sharps container on the wall. “There is a slightly increased risk of miscarriage with this condition, but most of these resolve without difficulty. We tend not to put patients on bed rest for this, but my advice would be to at least take tomorrow off and limit the time you spend on your feet.”
“Thanks, Doctor,” Rafe said, shaking her hand before she excused herself from the room. “That’s great news,” he said, briefly catching Kaitlyn’s gaze. She tried to connect with him across the room, but he busied himself gathering their coats and papers.
He came and stood by the exam table, exhaling deeply. “I’m really glad the baby is okay.”
“Me too.” She reached out for his hand—it was a natural instinct. He didn’t step away, but he didn’t hold it either. He didn’t hold her. That’s when she knew. “Rafe,” she said. Come back to me. She tried to meet his eyes, but he would not look at her.
“I should get the car,” he said.
“Okay,” she said. “Good idea.” He seemed to be fading away from her, going to some unreachable place, and she didn’t know how to get him to stay.
“You’re going to take today off, aren’t you?” he continued as he headed toward the door. “Rest. And maybe you should take more time off than that. Until we’re sure everything’s okay.”
She forced a smile. “I’ll make sure to follow the doctor’s orders,” she said.
He’d put on his jacket and was pushing open the exam room door when she stopped him.
“Rafe.”
He half turned toward her. “Yes?”
A thousand things that she wanted—no, needed—to say came to her lips. Things like I need you, right here, by my side.
“Oh, never mind,” she ended up saying. “You’d better go get the car.”
Rafe wasted no time leaving. This time, she wasn’t staying silent because she was afraid to say things, or afraid to confront him. It was because she wasn’t going to guilt him into being there for her. As much as she’d believed loving him would heal him, she saw now that it wasn’t enough.
* * *
Rafe was shaking. He somehow managed to get them home, take care of the dog, and ask Kaitlyn if she needed anything.
He took a shower, but it didn’t calm his nerves or give him any clarity. He seemed to know only one thing—he couldn’t do this.
He hadn’t been able to be there for Kaitlyn tonight when she most needed him. He’d tried but he hadn’t been able to hide from her that something was wrong. He’d seen the disappointment reflected in her eyes.
He got out of the shower and walked over to the bed where she was stretched out asleep, still with her clothes on. He should’ve helped her get her pj’s on and made sure she was comfortable.
Instead he was all tangled up inside his own head, terrified for her, terrified for the baby. He walked over to the closet and pulled a thick blanket from the shelf and covered her, making sure to tuck it carefully around her feet. That’s when he noticed she’d been holding a wad of Kleenex when she’d fallen asleep.
She’d fallen asleep crying. Because of him.
“I’m sorry, Katie,” he whispered.
This past week had made him think he could handle a relationship, but tonight had taught him he clearly could not. He couldn’t love someone—two someones—just to risk losing them again.
* * *
Rafe was relieved to spend the next twenty-four hours at work. He texted Kaitlyn several times to ask how she was doing, and each time her reply was short. Okay. Doing fine. The next night was Rafe’s night to spend with his grandmother, and he had to admit he was glad not to have to face Kaitlyn at home.
“How’s Kaitlyn feeling?” Nonna asked. Rafe was making them some hot cocoa the old-fashioned way, from scratch, the way she’d taught him years ago, with milk and cocoa and sugar in an old cast-iron pan on the stove.
“She’s doing fine. She took yesterday off to rest.”
“That’s good. Maybe she should take the rest of the week off too. She’s on her feet a lot.”
He nodded. Guilt pummeled him because he knew he was avoiding Kaitlyn at a time when she was probably frightened too, even though the doctor had been very reassuring. He certainly continued to feel freaked out, and he told himself it was probably better for Kaitlyn not to be around him when he was like this. But it felt like yet another way he’d fallen short.
Rafe carried their mugs into the living room while Nonna sat on her old floral sofa. A small artificial Christmas tree that they’d put up a few weeks ago and helped decorate with all her favorite ornaments sat on a table in the corner. It was surrounded by a crocheted tree skirt with tassels. Nonna moved a sizeable afghan that she was in the middle of crocheting and sat down. “What’s on your mind?” she asked, patting the seat beside her.
He sat down, knowing he could never hide things from his grandmother. She always seemed to know when something wasn’t right, from the time he’d accidentally broken the neighbor’s window with a baseball to the first time a girl broke his heart. He wished his troubles now were that simple. “Nonna, I’m glad you’re feeling better. And I would never want to hurt you or make you feel stressed out.” He needed to tell her that their engagement wasn’t real. He was tired of lying to her, to his entire family, to himself.
Nonna sat back with her cup of cocoa and eyeballed him in that way of hers that was half-suspicious and half-understanding. Like she knew he was about to say something she didn’t want to hear.
He wished he could keep on with the lie just so he wouldn’t hurt her. But this time, things weren’t going to get better, and holding off telling her wasn’t going to do anyone any good.
He set down his mug on the coffee table and turned to his grandmother. He felt her disappointment in him even before he uttered a word, something he’d always been determined to avoid at all costs. But this time, he couldn’t help his failings. He just had to confess them. “Kaitlyn and I…we’ve been friends for a long time.”
“You two remind me so much of your grandfather and me. We grew up together, you know.”
Rafe nodded, thankful for the stall.
“You know the story about how my father sent me away to America to get me away from the Jewish boy I loved. That was heartbreaking. I never thought I’d get over it. Especially when I found out I was pregnant.”
“Nonna, I would never leave Kaitlyn alone to raise our baby,” Rafe said.
“Of course you wouldn’t,” she said. “But listen, there’s a point. Jacob, the boy I loved, joined the merchant marine and ended up falling in love with another girl. It was your grandfather, Alphonse, who came all the way to America for me. To ask me to marry him.”
He’d heard the story, but he didn’t know the details. “As a friend?”
“Of course not. He loved me all along. But I was still in love with Jacob.” She sighed. “See, your grandfather figured it out before I did. He knew we were right together. That we would always love and care for one another, and that we understood each other like no one else. That’s how it is when you’re best friends with someone. They know your deepest secrets, and they still love you.”
She grabbed his arm like she did whenever she needed him to listen to what she was saying. “Alphonse was the kindest man I knew. I had a lucky life. And I ended up with the right man. But it was only because I had to learn to move on from heartbreak. And when I did, my life became what it was meant to be—full of love and family and joy. You can have that too.”
Rafe let out a big breath. “Nonna, I don’t think I can get over what happened in the past.” That had been hard to say. But it was true.
She reached over and patted him on the cheek. “You see, that’s exactly what I said too. But that’s the surprising thing about love. It does the impossible.” She sat back and looked at him. “It breaks my heart to see you suffer. You’re a good boy, Rafe. But you’re trapped in a bad place. Fight your way out of it.”
His grandmother loved him. But she couldn’t fix him. “Thanks, Nonna. I appreciate your concern for me. Now, how about if we watch an episode of that emergency room show?”
“The one where you tell me if it’s really like that at the hospital? I love that show.”
Nonna fell asleep after ten minutes, leaving Rafe to stare at the screen without seeing anything. He got her message loud and clear. Love had healed Nonna, but it would not work for him. He had too many hang-ups and failings. Kaitlyn deserved a whole lot better.
He picked up his phone to text Kaitlyn again. How are you feeling?
His answer was a thumbs-up emoji. No words.
Great. Wanted to let you know I picked up another shift for someone so I won’t be home again tomorrow.
Okay, came the answer.
And then, before she could add anything more—or worse say nothing more at all—he sent her one final text:
We need to come clean about this fake engagement.