The next day, Rafe was home, trying to decide if he wanted to replace the leaky showerhead in his bathroom. Or rather, he was trying to convince himself to get started on the project. He needed a project to get his mind off Kaitlyn leaving. Everything in his house had been cleaned up, with no traces of her remaining except for her packed bags, sitting in a neat row near his front door, and the very faint scent of some kind of holiday bodywash that smelled like peppermint.
He read through the showerhead instructions for the fiftieth time, then finally set them down and stood up, pacing the length of his house. Kitchen, family room, hallway. And back again.
He should be glad she was leaving. Things were awkward between them, and he’d managed to avoid her for most of the week. This was what he wanted…wasn’t it?
Just then Kaitlyn walked in, taking off her boots and leaving them near the front door.
“Hi,” she said, pressing her lips together. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Just got home. I see you’re all packed.” He’d tried to sound casual, but his voice was laced with regret. Yes, regret. He hated looking at those suitcases. He was suddenly overcome with a crazy urge to grab them up, unzip them, and empty them all over the floor so she couldn’t leave.
He rubbed his temple. What was he thinking?
“I just have to grab some stuff out of the bathroom,” she said. “And Bandit.”
Not the puppy. But of course she was taking him too.
She walked into the laundry room to get the dog. But she must’ve forgotten to secure the gate behind her, because Bandit came tearing out of the laundry room and headed straight down the hall.
They both chased him into the bedroom, where he wasted no time hopping onto the bed and burrowing under the covers.
Kaitlyn began lifting layers of bedding. “Where did he go?”
“Hey, Bandit,” Rafe called. “Get over here.”
“Don’t use a gruff tone,” she said. “You’ll scare him and he’ll burrow down even more.”
“That wasn’t a gruff tone,” Rafe said. Was it?
She held up Bandit’s leash, ready to clip it to his collar at a moment’s notice. But still no dog.
As they stood there waiting for the dog to surface, Rafe filled the silence by asking, “How are you feeling?”
“Great. I have a follow-up in a couple of days.”
“You shouldn’t have cleaned.”
“It wasn’t a problem,” she said. “I just tidied up a little.”
“Still.” Didn’t she work enough all day? She didn’t need to be cleaning here too.
“You don’t have to act so concerned,” she said, peeling back bedding layers to get to the puppy, which they could see as a wiggling pot roast–sized lump in the middle of the bed.
“I am concerned.” Were they really arguing over being concerned? Great. This was a new low point.
She frowned at that. She finally found the dog, scooped him up, and snapped on his leash. “Okay, buddy. Time to go home.”
Rafe winced. Home? This was her home.
He ran to catch up with her as she headed out. “You know, you don’t have to go.”
In the front hall, she turned around for a brief moment. “Yes, I do,” she said quietly and with an air of determination that almost killed him. “You know why I do.”
“Stay a minute. Maybe we could—have some tea.”
She looked at him like he was crazy. Because he hated tea. And that sounded really lame.
“I have a lot to do before the shelter party tonight,” she said, the puppy wiggling in her arms. “There are still some presents to be wrapped for the kids, and I promised to bring Bandit.”
“I’ve got to get my Santa suit ready,” he said. He’d finally agreed to do it and that shouldve sounded upbeat, but it came out the opposite. “Katie,” he said, stopping her with his voice. “Maybe we could—talk.” There. He’d said it. He wanted to talk. Needed to talk.
She looked him over for a heartbeat. But then she turned away to tuck some of Bandit’s toys into her bag. “What good would it do, Rafe? We’ve talked a lot,” she said softly. She didn’t sound angry, only sad, and that skewered him. He’d known that he’d let her down, but now he saw it clearly in her face, heard it in her voice. “You can only give someone what you can give. I understand that. I’m not angry with you. I just need someone who can weather the storms, you know? It’s not your fault. I knew how you felt about commitment from the beginning. I just thought…” She lifted her shoulders in a sad little shrug “…we might be able to overcome it.” With that, she set the dog down on the floor and slung a bag over her shoulder. “Goodbye, Rafe. I’ll see you at the party tonight.”
Then she walked out his door for good.
* * *
When Kaitlyn entered her apartment later that day, she found that Rafe had dropped off her suitcases, the broken-down dog crate, and a baby gate for Bandit and left them sitting in front of her door. She stood there for the longest time, unable to open the door, unwilling to go back to the way things were in her life pre-Rafe. But she had a squirming puppy in her hands and the shelter Christmas party to get to, and she couldn’t waste time on what ifs.
There were just so many of them.
“Okay, Bandit,” she said, setting him down to scramble around on the wooden floors. “This is your new place. What do you think?” She rolled her suitcases in, and then she stopped in her tracks.
The apartment was spotless. There was no trace of the things she’d left scattered about—clothing, mail, dishes. Her shoes were lined up neatly in a plastic boot tray—a sure sign of Rafe’s doing. The puppy immediately grabbed a shoe and ran, indicating that his sock fetish had now spread to include shoes, but at the moment she was tearing up too much to care. Finally she walked over to the window. The new caulking was neat and tidy, and Rafe had installed new blinds on the windows. Nice, fashionable blinds that actually worked.
And then there was the baby’s room. The track lighting was done, the holes in the ceiling gone, and in the corner was the cradle. In the cradle sat a little stuffed dog—one that looked exactly like Bandit.
She sat down on the couch. Bandit immediately hopped onto her lap and settled in. She gave him a few pats and picked up her phone. She had an hour before she had to be at the shelter. She wondered if Rafe was already there, practicing his Santa act. He’d be great in the role, and she’d have to steel her heart against the sight of him laughing and charming the kids.
She wondered if he’d try to get her to talk again tonight. But after she’d pushed him away, there was no guarantee that he’d try again. Yet he’d gotten her apartment ready for their child. What did it all mean?
“Yoo-hoo,” came a voice at her door. Kaitlyn turned to see her mom walking in with a couple of grocery bags. The puppy darted off her lap and ran to give her an enthusiastic greeting.
Her mom made her way over to the couch, setting down her bags on the kitchen counter. “I stopped by to see if I could help you unpack, and…oh dear. You look terrible.”
“I don’t look terrible,” Kaitlyn said, folding her arms, a move that took her back to her teenage years.
“What’s wrong?” her mom asked, lowering herself onto the couch. “You want to talk about it?”
Kaitlyn suddenly found tears dripping down her cheeks as she spilled everything she’d held in for so long. “The engagement’s not real, Mom. It was something we did for Nonna in the hospital.”
The confusion on her mom’s face made her feel even worse. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “We kept trying to find a time to tell the truth, but things kept happening…and, for a while, things were really good and we thought…I thought…” She finished on a sob.
Her mom passed her a tissue box that was sitting on an end table. “But…the puppy. You two bought a puppy together. And a tree. A tree! How…”
“When I had that scare, he just…withdrew. He said he couldn’t handle losing someone he loved again.”
Her mom looked around the apartment. “But he somehow found time to do all this?”
“For the baby.” She tried to sound matter-of-fact, but her voice cracked on the word baby. Because she wanted him to have done it for her too.
Her mom frowned deeply. “Kaitlyn, Rafe loves you.”
“Rafe tries to love me, but he’s too…damaged. But he tried to talk to me today, and I pushed him away.”
“He may have freaked out about your scare. But he didn’t leave, did he?”
“Mom, I need someone who’s going to be there for me. You should have seen him in the hospital. He barely held it together.”
“Because he loves you. Because he’s afraid to lose you.” She let that sink in before continuing. “You know, I raised you to be independent because I was not independent when I got pregnant. I married your father because I was frightened that I wouldn’t survive on my own with a child. I wasn’t done with my degree and I had no job. I was basically terrified. Getting married seemed like the most reasonable solution for everyone, but it wasn’t. And all that made me determined that I would raise strong, independent women.”
“You did, Mom.” Kaitlyn thought of something else. “And you’re a strong, independent woman too.”
“Well, thank you,” she said, waving the compliment away, “but that doesn’t change the fact that I screwed up in forcing all this independence talk down your throat.”
Kaitlyn jerked up her head.
“You’ve accomplished so much, and I’m very proud of your accomplishments. But you’re not me. And Rafe is definitely not your father. You two love each other. But sometimes you can use your independence to push people away—to keep from getting hurt. Marriage is give and take. No one’s perfect. Rafe is trying to tell you he loves you.”
“How do you know that?”
“I may not have found true love, but I can see when two people have it. I see it in the way he looks at you when you share a private joke. The way you two finish each other’s sentences. The way you look at each other when you don’t think the other one’s looking. I don’t believe this is insurmountable. I don’t believe he’s damaged for life. But if you let your pride keep you from hearing him out, you’ll never know, will you?”
“Hey, what’s going on?” Hazel asked, walking in and unbuttoning her coat. She was wearing a fancy curly scarf made of sparkly green-and-blue variegated yarn, and her plain navy knit cap had blue and green feathers tucked into the side.
“Hazel, I have to tell you something,” Kaitlyn said, as Hazel sat down on the couch. “Rafe and I aren’t really engaged. That was something we did for Nonna when she was sick and the whole thing got out of control. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Wait, but…you and Rafe…” She frowned, trying to puzzle it all out.
“Aren’t together,” Kaitlyn finished. Hazel had to see that she was just as fallible as everyone else. Maybe more so.
“Oh,” Hazel said quietly. “I’m so sorry. I hope you two can work it out because Rafe is cool. And hot. But…whatever happens, you’re going to be a great mom.”
“I haven’t exactly been a great example for you.”
“Actually,” Hazel said, fishing into her coat pocket, “you’ve been a great example.” She pulled out a piece of paper folded in fours, which she carefully unfolded.
Hazel held the paper in her lap. “I watched you pour your heart out into this cookie contest, putting in long hours even after you worked all day. You never gave up. And you didn’t give up on me either.” She passed the paper to Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn took the paper but didn’t look at it, pleased for a lot of reasons. That Hazel was a lot different than when she first came. That she appeared to have left her life of crime behind. That she was sweet and special. And Kaitlyn didn’t really care what the paper was. She only hoped that Hazel had somehow managed to pass her math class.
The paper turned out to be an acceptance letter. To the Fashion Institute of Technology, in New York City.
“Hazel, I…this is amazing.” Kaitlyn was speechless. She glanced from the paper to Hazel’s gleaming eyes. “You got in early admission to FIT? This is incredible!”
Hazel grinned from ear to ear and clapped her hands. “I didn’t want to say anything because I never thought it would happen but…it happened. Thanks to you, Aunt Kate. And Gram.”
“Sweetheart,” Kaitlyn’s mother said, “you’re…amazing. I’m so proud.”
“Oh, honey,” Kaitlyn said. “I’m so proud too. This is the best news ever.”
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Hazel said. She pulled out a tiny package and handed it to Kaitlyn. “For the baby.”
Kaitlyn opened it to find a pair of tiny crocheted baby booties. They were a soft beige with a tiny crocheted flower on each one.
“They’re made of organic cotton, and they come in four colors right now, and they’re flying like hotcakes off of my Etsy site.”
“How did you learn to make these?” Kaitlyn’s mother asked.
“Nonna taught me. And these are going to help pay for some of my college expenses.”
They were all hugging and crying in the middle of the living room when Bandit ran in with the ear of the stuffed dog in his mouth and deposited it at Kaitlyn’s feet.
“Thanks, Bandit,” she said, petting his back and picking up the stuffed toy. He looked very pleased at his good deed.
“That dog is a little heart stealer,” Kaitlyn’s mother said.
Just like Rafe. Rafe had stolen her heart a long time ago, before she even understood anything about love. Before she’d understood that love meant accepting people’s imperfections and always striving to be better. She wanted to do better. She’d pushed him away, and she wondered if it was too late for another chance.
* * *
The women’s shelter was housed in an old Tudor mansion on the other side of downtown. At five o’clock on the Friday before Christmas, it was teeming with firefighters, cops, and their families, all of whom had spearheaded a big effort to round up toys and make a fun evening for the kids. Rachel was playing Christmas carols on the piano, Jazz had brought some therapy dogs, firefighters had come early to assemble bikes and other big toys for the kids, and Lou’s had just delivered fifty boxes of pizza.
Kids and dogs were running everywhere, a big group of seniors from a retirement community had come to do things like make balloon animals and play games with the kids, and a big chorus of “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” started up as the excitement built for the kids to see Santa.
Kaitlyn felt a tug on her pants leg. “Excuse me, but can we have another cookie?” asked two adorable twin girls who looked to be around four as they stopped to pet Bandit. “Of course,” Kaitlyn said as she walked over to a table to grab a tray and bring it down to their eye level. On it were a bunch of snowcap cookies she’d baked and frozen over the past few weeks (only the good batches, of course).
“Can the puppy have one?” one of them asked, giggling as the dog licked at her fingers.
“Oh, I’m sorry, but dogs aren’t allowed to have chocolate,” Kaitlyn said.
“Is Santa on the way?” asked the other, biting into a cookie.
“Yeah, because we’ve been waiting for a whole year,” the other one said.
“That’s a long time to be good, isn’t it?” Kaitlyn said, and the girls nodded vehemently. “He’ll be here very soon,” Kaitlyn said. “Don’t stop being good,” she called, as they skipped away.
Bandit was a big hit with the kids, which made Kaitlyn feel a little better, but she kept looking around for Rafe. She wanted to take him up on his offer to talk, tea or no tea. The problem was, it was a half hour before Santa was supposed to show up and…still no Rafe.
Nonna drained her glass of eggnog and came up to Kaitlyn. “This is the best eggnog I’ve ever had. But where’s Santa Claus?”
“Good question,” Kaitlyn said. “I’d better go find out.”
In the kitchen, Gabby and Sara were helping bring out boxes of pizza, and they had no idea where Rafe was either. She ran into Colton just coming through the door from outside.
“Colt!” she called. “Can you text Rafe? I left my phone in my car, and he’s still not here. Have you seen him?”
Colton checked his phone. “No, nothing.” He sent off a quick text. “Maybe he fell asleep?” A frown shaded his brows. “It’s not like him to be late for anything.”
As she waited for Colton to call Rafe, a strange chill ran through her—an eerie premonition of worry, which she tried to shrug off. It was probably that she was on edge and upset anyway. She’d been looking for him around every corner.
“Evan’s out on patrol,” Colton said, punching in Rafe’s number for the second time. “Rafe’s not picking up. I’m going to have Evan run over to Rafe’s house and see if he fell asleep.”
“Okay,” Kaitlyn said. She walked over to visit with Cade and Ava, who were watching over Bandit, but returned a minute later, unable to wait any longer. “Any word?” she asked.
“Evan’s just coming on duty. He’s going to ride by Rafe’s house as soon as he can.” He gave Kaitlyn a compassionate look. “Hey, you’re starting to act like a worrywart like Rafe. He’s fine. Everyone oversleeps once in their life.”
Still, she couldn’t shake off her concern.
Colton ended up having to put on the Santa suit. As he walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, it was apparent the legs were a bit too long on him, because Rafe was so tall.
“Let’s put more stuffing on your belly,” Sara said, playfully squeezing the rounded lump. “That might help.”
Colton sent her a look that said he wasn’t quite sure about being rotund and jolly.
She kissed him on the cheek. “I love you whether you have a squishy belly or not,” she said.
“Hey, Chief, I think you’re getting lax on the push-ups,” Cade said, just to get his goat.
Colton mumbled something like, “Where’s Rafe? I’m going to kill him for this,” but he was smiling as he said it.
While Colton was assuming the role, Kaitlyn held the puppy and allowed the kids to gently pet him, something they did with a happy sense of awe and a surprising sense of order. Bandit was on his best behavior until a small child asked Kaitlyn if he had time to go to the bathroom before Santa came. Distracted, Kaitlyn must have loosened her hold on the puppy, who jumped up in the flash of a second and stole a slice of pizza right out of another child’s hands.
“That’s why he’s called Bandit!” one of the kids said, and that made everyone else laugh.
Cade, who was close by, quickly stepped in with a plate of cookies to avoid any tears, and everyone ended up laughing more as the rambunctious little puppy continued to charm.
Colton came out with a deep ho-ho-ho, which made all the kids scream in anticipation. He visited with every single child and joked around with many of them.
“He’s a great Santa,” Kaitlyn said to Sara. “I’m really impressed.”
“Even if his pants are a little long,” Gabby said.
“See, Kaitlyn,” Sara said, beaming at her husband as he made a child giggle. “Once these guys fall in love, they love completely.”
That comment just about tore Kaitlyn’s heart out. She thought about how she’d passed off Rafe’s efforts to talk with her, and the foreboding feeling that she’d managed to push down came surging back up again.
Everyone had their fill of pizza and cookies, and the guys helped install batteries in all the toys, some of which had flashing lights and made a lot of noise, adding to the happy chaos. Colton was just taking off the Santa suit when his phone rang.
Kaitlyn, keyed into Colton’s reactions, watched his smile drop and his brows knit down in worry.
“What? What is it?” she asked, grabbing his arm. Because she knew something was wrong, down to her bones. She just knew.
Colt pocketed his phone and took hold of Kaitlyn’s shoulders, a move he’d surely meant to be reassuring but which helped freak her out more. “There’s a fire in the farm machinery warehouse on the highway between here and Clydesburg. It started small but then the adjacent buildings caught. And Rafe is inside.”
“Colton, no,” Kaitlyn said. The world suddenly went mute, like she had water stuck in her ears. She was vaguely aware of Cade relieving her of the dog’s leash. Sara and Gabby immediately flocked to her side.
“Rafe knows what he’s doing,” Colton said, keeping a hand on her shoulder. “He’ll be fine.”
Kaitlyn let out a sob, then covered her mouth, not wanting to make a scene in front of the kids.
“It’s okay, honey,” Gabby said. “Rafe will be fine.” But she was crying too.
“I want to go there,” Kaitlyn said. “I’m going there now.”
An arm came around her shoulder. “We’re all going,” Dr. Langdon said. “I’ll drive.”