Wisdom Seeking
“Other people can’t make you see with their eyes. At best they can encourage you to use your own.”
—ALDOUS HUXLEY,
AUTHOR OF BRAVE NEW WORLD
“It’s the blood of the ancients that runs through our veins. And the forms pass, but the circle of life remains.”
—ELLEN KLAVEN, AUTHOR OF
THE VEGETARIAN FACTFINDER
“When the student is ready the teacher will come.”
—CHINESE PROVERB
EVERY ONE OF US NEEDS the blessings and wisdom of a spiritual teacher, mentor, or elder. The Thundering Years are the best time to seek the wisdom of those who have walked successfully down the creative and spiritual path. Living your dreams can be a struggle in this chaotic world, where too many adults have given up. It’s difficult to take healthy risks, stay off drugs and alcohol, work hard in school, and be creative when so many around you are being destructive to themselves or others. To successfully walk the road of the Spiritual Warrior we all need guidance from others who have journeyed ahead of us. The Navajo are guided on their spiritual journey by a spiritual teacher they call a haatati, or chanter (what we often refer to as a “Medicine Man”). Tibetans seek guidance from lamas (master spiritual teachers) or tulkus (someone who is a recognized reincarnation of a deceased lama). Tibetan lamas and Navajo chanters begin preparing for their position in the community at birth.
“Why should young people suffer the ordeals of self-knowledge if there’s no one waiting to welcome them home?”
—MICHAEL MEADE,
CELTIC STORYTELLER,
AUTHOR OF
MEN AND THE
WATER OF LIFE:
INITIATION AND THE
TEMPERING OF MEN
Those who have made it through some similar rough times—or have some special insight into your circumstances, whatever they may be—would be good spiritual guides for you. A mentor or spiritual teacher can be someone who is recognized as a spiritual guide (such as a meditation teacher), or a lesser-known person who is a gold mine of love and wisdom for you. He or she can be someone within your family—a grandparent, uncle, aunt, or godparent—or someone outside your family such as a teacher, professor, church or synagogue member, neighbor, priest, rabbi, lama, or meditation instructor. Anyone has the potential to be a mentor. One teenager found his mentor while volunteering at a nearby retirement home. As it turned out, the mentor was an elder from his Finnish community and loved helping his young “student” through the telling of stories. The young man has been keeping a journal of these stories that may likely become a book someday.
“Find and learn more about your cultural background. This will help you get through many things. Knowing who you are, being connected to your history and your culture can help you overcome many difficulties. And, understanding of other people’s beliefs, this is important too. This is all part of living the creative life. Find good people to help you answer your questions.”
—SALAKWA, ONEIDA NATION, AGE 23
“Those who seek mentoring will rule the great expanse under heaven.”
—SHU CHING, MARTIAL ARTS MASTER
“A mentor has walked the wisdom trail and is now able to open you up to this wisdom inside of you.”
—MYRON ESHOWSKY, SHAMANIC HEALER
In those traditional cultures in touch with the value of mentoring—the Chinese, Tibetan, Native American, African American, and Celtic, for example—the mentor will seek out the mentoree. Since the mentor relationship is not fostered by our current Western culture, you may need to seek out a mentor for yourself. In your search for a mentor, here are some things to look for:
- Someone older (around 10 years or more), who has wisdom, integrity, and personal power.
- Someone who is not your counselor or one of your parents (although you may have a very good relationship with your parents).
- Someone who has found a way to live creatively and well in the adult world, without abusing drugs or alcohol.
- Someone who participates in play and work in ways that do not cause anyone (including themselves) any harm.
- Someone who has the ability to take healthy risks and learns from his or her mistakes.
- Someone who holds a unique understanding and fondness for you, but is not selfish with you.
- Someone who does not want anything from you (such as money, work, sex, or gifts) but is in your life to guide and teach you.
“If he is indeed wise, he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.”
—KHALIL GIBRAN,
LEBANESE POET AND
PHILOSOPHER,
AUTHOR OF
THE PROPHET
Myron Eshowsky, a shamanic healer who works with healing youth gangs, believes a mentor should be someone who “listens to you and understands the truth about you—has insight to what your purpose is. A mentor can see your soul.” A mentor is someone who is willing to give you the time and attention you need and share his or her knowledge and wisdom with you. Your mentor should be the same gender as yourself. And, he or she may have other things in common with you, such as sexual preference, religious or ethnic background, talents, and interests. The important thing is that your mentor is someone you can identify with. If you are gay or lesbian, you may want to seek a gay or lesbian mentor. If you are Hispanic, you may seek a Hispanic mentor to guide you. Or, your mentor may share spiritual ideals with you, or be into something you enjoy, such as hunting and fishing, or music. Steven found his mentor at the rodeo:
“I was heavy into weed. Most of the time I was stoned I was bored and lonely, even though I was hanging with a group of stoners like myself. Then I went to the rodeo and fell in love with horses. I met up with a group of other horse lovers and then met my mentor, Paul, who helped me learn to ride and do shows. Riding and caring for horses lifts me up, and Paul understands this.”
—STEVEN, AGE 21
Your choice of a mentor needs to be someone who can commit to a relationship with you. Someone who actually has the time to guide you and be with you. A good mentor will encourage you to participate in activities that benefit you and help you to learn about all of your choices by getting exposed to different people and experiences.
On your journey through the Thundering Years you need the special help that only a mentor can give.
“Today, there are many products and services available for self-actualization, learning, and personal growth, usually in the form of self-help books, magazines, computers, and other audiovisual technology, seminars, retreats, and so on. Yet a very important component is missing from these methods of self-growth: that of individualized, tailored, one-to-one environments for giving and receiving the gift of wisdom—the time-honored process of mentoring.”
—CHUNGLIANG AL HUANG AND JERRY LYNCH, AUTHORS OF
MENTORING: THE TAO OF GIVING AND RECEIVING WISDOM
Your mentor’s foremost responsibility is to help you know all that is good about you, while helping to guide you down a safe and good path.
Mentors are respected in their community because they have earned this respect through their own choices and behavior.
Mentors for Young Men
“There are men who wield power without pride, who are rich but simple in their ways, who are learned but have no arrogance. They are divine spirits in human form.”
—BABA MUKTANANDA, INDIAN ELDER
According to Robert Bly, a well-known elder and poet, a good choice in a mentor for young men would be a “strong man who deals with his anger in a healthy way. He also is a man who enjoys his work.” Anger is a common emotion shared among young men today. This emotion is part of your Thunder-energy. Search out a mentor who doesn’t escape into drugs and alcohol to cover up his anger or unhappiness, who expresses his anger in healthy and creative ways that help, rather than hinder, a situation.
A mentor isn’t out to prove anything; he has become skillful and happy at just being who he is. Competition, winning, and proving oneself through physical strength are not a big deal to a man who feels his success from within. A truly strong man is part of a community of men who value each other for who they are, not just for what they do. A male mentor will demonstrate a successful life, without the intense competitiveness and hostility that is too often expected of the men in our culture.
“You can be big, without making someone else small.”
—TERRI SEVERSON,
TEEN MENTOR
Mentors for Young Women
“You have enough agendas placed upon you as a young woman. A mentor in your life should help you open up to the mystery and potential that is inside of you. This woman has succeeded at doing this for herself.”
—DR. LAUREL ANN REINHARDT, PSYCHOLOGIST AND MENTOR
Young women need an active woman for a mentor. Too many girls and young women try to gain a sense of self-worth by seeking acceptance from others. Or they put all their hopes and dreams on a boyfriend (or relationship), losing touch with their own creativity and uniqueness. Although relationships are important and women are naturally gifted in building relationships, true and lasting self-esteem comes from within—not from others. Find a woman mentor who has discovered and demonstrates her own strengths and talents. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, a well-known Hispanic storyteller and mentor, speaks about the value of young women seeking the company of “wild” women. Wild women are those who have held on to and nourished their creative fire. Wild women are strong women who get their self-esteem from within themselves, rather than always having to be approved by others. A good female mentor would show signs that she values herself.
“Before you choose a counselor, watch him with his neighbor’s children.”
—SIOUX PROVERB
Male or female, a good mentor is someone who will:
- appreciate you and express this appreciation;
- teach you about things you are interested in;
- demonstrate such qualities as truthfulness, respect, curiosity, cooperation, and compassion for all things;
- ignite your creative spirit;
- motivate you to be all you can be;
- listen and learn from you;
- not impose his or her will upon you.
That Which You Are Searching for Is also Searching for You
Where to look? Where does one find a mentor? We all want to be in loving relationships with others. We all benefit from sharing our lives with those who share some common ground. A mentor wants to mentor, only he or she may not know that this kind of relationship is possible. We are not told that when we reach a certain age we will begin to be mentored, or that we will mentor someone else. The tradition of mentoring has gotten lost, but many people are rediscovering the need and joy of such relationships and are offering ways to hook up young people with mentors.
Places to look for a mentor include your church or synagogue, or whatever spiritual or religious group you may belong to; twelve-step groups (AA/Alateen/Overeaters Anonymous); Boys and Girls Clubs; your local YMCA/YWCA; community centers; meditation groups; Dharma centers; or ethnic organizations. A local nursing home can also be a good resource. You can also ask your school guidance counselor, college advisor, or teacher for ideas. At the end of the chapter is a list of groups you can contact.
“Seek and you shall find.” Begin the search for your mentor, because he or she is also searching for you.
“The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth.’”
—DAN RATHER,
TV JOURNALIST
Come to the Council Fire
“All children of the earth will be welcome at our council fires.”
—SENECA PROVERB
What follows is an account of wisdom collected in dozens of interviews and conversations with mentors, spiritual teachers, healers, and known elders from a diversity of cultures and experiences: African American, Irish, Guatemalan, various Native American, Australian Aboriginal, Tibetan, Asian, Caucasian, and Hispanic men and women.
Here is their collective message to you:
Imagine yourself in a council among elders from many cultures, including some from your own. You are sitting on one side of an open fire and many elders are sitting opposite you. Their faces are lit up by the orange flames and their shadows dance about, rising and falling with the flames. . . .
You have come to them for guidance and advice. Knowing they care for your well-being, you are prepared for what they have to tell you. You understand and respect that those present are wise and have the insight of those that have walked a truthful path. You are excited and grateful for this opportunity, and a little afraid of what they might expect from you.
They have no desire to control you in any way—they know it is useless to try to force you into anything. They know you will do what you want. They simply hope you will receive what they say as a gift. Those sitting around the fire know it is part of their responsibility as teachers or mentors to invest in you, the young Spiritual Warrior. They understand that the past was theirs and the future is yours. This council fire is a bridge between the past and the future.
You respect each other’s place in the circle of time.
Now, sit back . . . open up . . . and listen to what they have to say.
Forgiveness . . . “We are sorry for any pain and suffering brought on you by your parents or other adults in your life. We regret any fear and hostility that has been part of your heritage. The truth is, our society has lost much of the respect and understanding of your time of life. Too many are afraid and are confused about what to say to you. Some are starting to bring back recognition and respect for you—but we need your help in this. Help us mend this broken alliance, help us heal from the mistakes of misunderstanding that have come between us.
“Accept this apology and our promise that we are here to help mend the sacred relationship between us.
“We understand that if you are in trouble, your trouble is an expression of
the trouble in our communities—you alone are not the problem (no matter what you have done.)”
Now, some of the council members rise to place more wood upon the fire. The room is warming up. . . . Imagine the heat surrounding you and filling you . . . as they continue to share their wisdom.
Keeping Life Sacred . . . “One way to mend this sacred relationship, and our communities, is to hold rituals that celebrate and acknowledge the stages of life. Boys and girls need to be initiated into adulthood, to have rites of passage. Find adults who will offer you ceremonies as a way to celebrate and acknowledge this transition in your life. Spirit wants to talk to you. Ritual is a way to be acknowledged and to have a conversation with Spirit. It is a time to be recognized by your community as an adult.”
A voice of an elder is heard from the back, his face is half lit up by the flames of the fire and although he speaks softly and low . . . everyone listens.
Once, Everything Was a Prayer . . . “Prayer was a part of everyday life. We would pray to receive blessings and power from the spirit world for everything we did. When the clothes were washed, we would sing and pray; when we hunted for our food, we would pray to the animal world; when we needed rain, we prayed . . . and if the spirits were happy, rain would come. There was a feeling of goodness and purpose about everything we did.”
The flames seem to dance on the faces of all the teachers and elders. . . . You feel part of a circle of power.
“Hold fast to the word of your ancestors.”
—HOPI PROVERB
The elder continues, “Hold a conversation with Spirit every day. Pray for help. Pray for guidance. Seek the help that is available to you. You will be heard. Be patient. Spirit wants you to have all you ask for . . . keep the conversation going. Spirit is listening. Then, find some time to sit quietly so when Spirit speaks to you, you will hear its voice.”
Again, there is silence. . . . What wisdom do you seek? Are there questions stirring in you that you would bring to such a council of teachers? What would you ask? . . . Now, imagine one of you getting up and adding wood to the fire.
You can hear the questions of your generation, and of your own soul . . .
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Is Spirit real?
Will things work out for me?
How can I be happier?
What is my destiny?
Does it really matter what I believe?
Where are the mentors in my life?
Then, someone begins to speak to you again, and the one voice sounds like many voices talking in unison.
“A special place was made for you the moment you were born. Your life matters. You were created for a reason. You are here for a reason . . . you are here for a reason . . . you are here for a reason. . . . Everything that is born into the world, whether it be plant or animal, a place is made for it. For you. Help honor your place in this great circle of life, by honoring yourself.”
Now the council fire is burning down. . . . The shadows of the elders have grown smaller and they are whispering among themselves. They wonder about you. . . . Their thoughts and whispers turn into prayers, as you turn to leave and head home.
“Work hard, keep the Ceremonies, live peaceably, and unite your hearts.”
—HOPI PROVERB
Books, Resources, and Wisdomkeepers Related to This Chapter
Mentoring: The TAO of Giving and Receiving Wisdom, by Chungliang Al Huang and Jerry Lynch (HarperSanFrancisco, 1995). A delightful book that describes Tao mentoring, written for those in a mentoring relationship.
Your local school and university are likely to have a mentoring program available. You may also want to do a search on the internet for mentoring programs.
ASPIRA Association, Inc.
1444 I Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20005
(202) 835-3600 Fax: (202) 223-1253
Encourages and promotes leadership among Hispanic youth. Local offices offer youth leader-ship development and educational counseling. See online resources below for Web site information.
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America
230 N. 13th Street
Philadelphia, PA 19108
(215) 567-7000 Fax: (215) 567-0394
e-mail: BBBSA@aol.com
Matches you up with an adult volunteer that serves as your mentor and role model. See online resources below for Web site information.
Myron Eshowsky
Foundation for Shamanic Studies
P.O. Box 1939
Mill Valley, CA 94942
www.shamanism.org
Works with youth gangs, communities, and shamanic healers on issues of nonviolence.
Indian Youth of America
609 Badgerow Building
P.O. Box 2786
Sioux City, IA 51106
(712) 252-3230 Fax: (712) 252-3712
A general referral source to local resources.
National Indian Youth Leadership Development Project
P.O. Box 2140
Gallup, NM 87301
(505) 722-9176
Provides opportunities and contacts for Native American youth. Holds leadership training camps in 5 states.
National Network for Youth
1319 F Street, N.W., Suite 401
Washington, D.C. 20004
(202) 783-7949
e-mail: YOUTH-NET@aol.com
Promotes teen-adult partnerships, particularly with those who are considered “at risk.” This means at risk of falling into a life of drug and alcohol abuse, crimes, or violence.
National Urban League Youth Development
500 E. 62nd Street
New York, NY 10021
(212) 310-9084
Promotes and develops leadership by offering opportunities for community service for young people up to the age of 18.
Online Resources
The Aboriginal Youth Network
www.ayn.ca
This site was made by Canadian youth to share ideas and information to keep cultural traditions alive. It is a fun site with a chat/rant space for us to voice our ideas, online games, news and current events relevant to Canadian youth, and answers to some of our health concerns.
ASPIRA Association, Inc.
www.aspira.org
This is a nonprofit organization “devoted to education and leadership development of Puerto Rican and other Latino youth” with leadership development, education, talent search, and youth and community development programs. The site contains links to other resources and to local offices of ASPIRA.
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America
www.bbbsa.org
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America is a youth mentoring organization. Their site includes ways for us to contribute and volunteer and has other mentoring and volunteering links.