BACKWORD

For so much of our life and death, we pine to be someone else, someone perfect. Inside and out (usually out). The catch is that no one is perfect, in particular those who say they are, since conceit is a flaw; therefore, those who claim they aren’t perfect are closer to being perfect, unless they are just feigning humility because they read this, and nothing screams “flaw” like feigned humility. And reading ahead. And screaming “flaw.”

The point is, we should spend our time wanting to be ourselves—deliciously flawed as we are—rather than wanting to be someone else.

Let’s say that you wanted to be, I don’t know, let’s call her Zazu Zenith. First, let’s assume that you aren’t Zazu Zenith: a multibillionaire pop star/actress/perfume/clothing line with a face that launched a thousand A-list parties. Now, it’s no one’s fault, really, that you aren’t Zazu Zenith. Not being Zazu Zenith is hardly a crime: after all, people who are not Zazu Zenith outnumber those who are by about 6.5 billion to 1. This makes “not being Zazu Zenith” the second most common moral failing on Earth—just after “taking a piece of candy from a box of chocolates, biting into it, realizing it has some weird whipped pork and jelly bean crème center (with just a hint of braised rhubarb), and putting it back.”

Sometimes the only thing separating the “flawless” from the “lawless” is the letter “f.”

Down in the hot, humid, and humility-free recesses of Heck (where there is no recess), the laws are changing, and many are finding themselves hip-deep in all manners of stews, jams, and pickles. Even those divine, pristine creatures upstairs may soon find themselves down in it.

But this mess of perfection and misconception, flawlessness and lawlessness isn’t simply confined to Below and Above. It’s about to leak into the In-Between. Gush, in fact. And a whole lot of people—namely, you and all of your friends—may be in for a rude awakening, like the unfortunate child who actually falls asleep at a sleepover, waking up to find that their so-called friends have done something terrible to them.

Sweet dreams.