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As I watched the women arrive, I grew disheartened. Nearly expendable. Most of the newly arrived women were simply gorgeous. I could only hope they had lousy personalities except that would be mean and petty. Since Jack hasn’t bothered to see me in nearly a month, I’d just leave him to it. Or them. Whichever.
Although...I could maybe drop a few hints that Jack wasn’t quite right in the head or something. Or even lie outright. But no. I was going to play fair and square and now, well, now Jack was going to have to work for it. It being me.
But when I saw sexy blonde twins and a brunette with swishy hair who looked like she’d just strolled off the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, I suddenly had a whole list of things I could say. Not that I would since they were all lies, but still. Wasn’t there a saying about all things being fair in love and war speed dating?
Maybe I’d just casually mention a few things, like:
Jack? Sure, I know Jack. He’s a total mama’s boy. Buy bibs. And watch out, his mom makes Sasquatch look like a sissy. (She’s actually a lovely woman, but still)
Jack? Mamma mia. He’s never even heard of Ernest Hemingway. Total Neanderthal. And his ass looks like oatmeal. Has a back like a Gorilla.
Jack? Oh. Well. He likes to channel Liberace. Minus the piano. Plus, he’s only into threesomes.
Jack? O’Donlan? Ugh. He hasn’t brushed his teeth since Y2K.
Oh, sure, I know Jack. He’s really into insults. Especially about his penis. And it takes a hard left.
I sighed. If any of that were true, it would make my life easier. But no. Even Max seemed to be happier when Jack was around. Of course that might be because Jack brought Buttercup and Tilley along.
Jack walked over with Buttercup and I automatically went into complete nonchalant mode. Since I hadn’t heard from him in nearly a month, I’d give him a warm but formal reception, as though we were meeting for the first time at some ambassador’s reception.
“Hello, Jack. Nice to see you again.”
Jack smiled, all white teeth, dark hair, and blue eyes. I hated when he did that, especially when all I wanted was to stay mad. His eyes got crinkly and his smile was all sincere, and my insides instantly turned to mush. I realized too late I should have gone with acting as though I were glowing radioactive.
“Sophia. You’re looking lovely as always. Like a beautiful kaleidoscope of color.”
I made myself ignore the charm. Instead I noticed his dog and asked, “What’s the matter with Buttercup?”
“Nothing, why?”
“I’ve never seen a Golden Retriever anything but joyfully and gleefully ecstatic. Buttercup seems downright gloomy.”
“Oh, that. I won’t let her steal anything. And there’s no hoarding station.”
“Hmm.” I tossed her a dog treat and that seemed to cheer her up. Then Max jumped her and for the first time I swear I could see a smile on her face. Her eyes lit up like Christmas and together the two of them tumbled and barked and ran pell-mell all around us. “She’s lonely.”
“Are we still talking about my dog?”
My back stiffened. “What else would we be talking about?”
Jack scratched the side of his neck. “I don’t know. Are you happy? Doing okay? Work is good?”
“I am nearly always happy. I’m doing fine. And work is fulfilling my every fantasy. Jeez.”
“The word fine and sarcasm in the same sentence. Life must be wonderful.”
Oh, that superior attitude of his did it. Still, I kept my tone reasonable. “You are a broken toilet, O’Donlan.”
“What? Why? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You just run and run and run.” I debated whether to go with a self-respecting pout or forgiveness and a kinder attitude but then I couldn’t seem to manage my mouth. Reason fled and my manners with it. “You good for nothing cretin of ass boils, broccoli of a full-winded mule bunion! You are two thousand illnesses of the rectum! You are lord of donkey balls, O’Donlan, a crazy hag of a turd! Porca vacca, I couldn’t give a stinking rat’s cauliflower.”
Max whined and covered his face with his paws. Even Buttercup stopped and looked at me sideways.
Jack pulled me to him and kissed me full on the mouth. Before I could push him away, he backed off and said, “I’m guessing that means you missed me. I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, too. And I can explain.”
“Well, then. For the love of all things holy, I’m hoping you make it good.” I didn’t squint or roll my eyes, I just looked at him straight on and waited.
“I had to be sure, didn’t I? It’s not like it’s some part-time half-arsed gig. I mean it’s a full-time forever kind of thing, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you have to know, too? Sure and I’ll be askin’, doesn’t everyone?”
I didn’t have one single clue what in blue blazes Jack had just said and was about to ask him to explain when I suddenly heard a kerfuffle across the way.
A small, fluffy, orange marmalade kitten bolted out the door of the prison vet clinic. Tilley!
But, uh oh. So many dogs! What if they hated cats? What if one decided to break for it and hurt her? Before I could panic, Tilley (who was only five months old and nearly blind and totally in love with my big, hairy, bossy dog) stopped dead in her tracks.
“Tilley’s here, Max! Call Tilley.” Max bolted to his feet and gave a high-pitched happy bark. The kitten ran through an obstacle course of dogs. The first dog who tried to chase the cat, Max bared his teeth to. Max wouldn’t dare growl, he knew he’d scare his friend. The other dogs settled down and Max braced for Tilley to hit.
Tilley ran toward Max like a drunken rocket, hop-scotching over and under all the other dogs. Max strained against his leash as Tilley bounded, flew, then LEAPED onto Max’s back and dug in. Like a cute furry leech.
Max suddenly went from a big obnoxious ox to a gentle giant. Max loved Tilley and always gave her rides on his back. Where some dogs might yelp when the claws dug in, Max simply winced lolled his tongue out as if to say it’s good, it’s all good, move along, nothing to see here.
And now, now I realized what I’d forgotten. Tilley’s mesh crate-saddle thing that straps onto Max. I smacked my hand against my head. Max might never forgive me. Tilley might decide she’s an actual cat after all and ignore me.
I left Max off his leash and watched him softly lope around the yard, away from the other dogs. Tilley had her head raised to the wind, happy and safe and utterly enthralled. Both of their faces emitted an endless joy.
This interspecies love affair started the day Max and Tilley met. They’re never separated for long periods of time, and I was hoping Bailey would let me take Tilley home soon. She’s precious and smart and I don’t know who loves her more, me or Max.
“I guess I’d better get back to the man side until things get started,” Jack said, looking almost despondent. He leashed Buttercup and off they went.
What would put that look on Jack’s face? Thinking back, I tried to decipher what Jack had been trying to tell me. I’ve never in my life seen him to stumble over words like that. Or be so almighty cryptic. Unless...
Oh, jeez. Oh, no. It had to be one of two things. Either he’d been trying to let me down nicely, or trying to say he ... loved me?
For crying out loud! How could I know? Why hadn’t he just said what he meant? Was that a good-bye kiss or a hello forever kiss? Aauugghh!
Oh, pffft, whatever. Of course Jack’s in love with me. He’s shown me a million times over.
But ... what if I really am expendable and Jack has stopped loving me?
Why couldn’t I break the freakin’ man code! Gah!
Either way, the rotting toad deserved to suffer. For two reasons, one—for letting me wonder and stew for a month, and two—for not saying what he actually meant. I could probably add a third, which was the confusion, fear, and hope I was currently experiencing.
I called Max and he came trotting back with Tilley bouncing along for the ride. They both looked euphoric. Max was all but quivering and I could feel Tilley purring as I plucked her from Max’s fur.
Max flopped onto the grass in a puddle of pouting canine. Tilley kept purring and trying to climb onto my head. Bailey came by on her way toward the clinic and took Tilley. “Do I get to take her home soon?”
“I’d have to say yes to that,” Bailey said, hugging the furry sprite. “I’ll be sad to see her go, but you and Max will make her a good home.”
“You really mean Max and my entire crazy family, don’t you?” I’m sure Jack had told her what had happened the first time Tilley came to the restaurant (Try The Veal) for a visit.
“I heard about the fiasco with your family, yes. She’ll fit right in.”
“Glad to hear it,” I said with a smile. Wouldn’t be long now before there wasn’t going to be room for me in my own bed. I couldn’t wait.
The women were mingling, dogs at their sides, and Bailey announced that things would begin in just a few minutes.
Oh boy.
#MenSayWomenAreComplicated
#BecauseTheyCan’tEven
#SendMeTheCode!
#AtLeastMaxUnderstandsMe
#PassTheTylenol