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Zane beat back his aggravation. Of course. He’d tried to cross that line one too many times with her, and she was getting tired of it. The realization pulsed through him, and he tried to grab any lingering emotion from inside, wrap it in a ball, and tuck it away in the bottom of his gut. “What is it, then?”
She perched on the edge of the futon he’d never folded back into a couch the night before. She was several feet away, ankles crossed and knees tucked to the side. “I was hoping we could just hang out.”
“Watch movies or something?”
She shrugged. “Or talk or something.”
Like they used to do back in high school. When they both pretended they didn’t have a crush on each other, and neither of them knew it. He didn’t miss those days. Except maybe the bits when she fell asleep in his bed. That was always nice. Though it had been innocent, he’d loved being able to curl around her like they were the only two people in the world.
He pushed the thought away. Childish fantasy. He dropped onto the opposite edge of the futon from her, the battered quilt wrinkling under him. “I can do that. How’s your sister?”
There. That was neutral, right? So why did she look like she swallowed a mouthful of bad milk?
“She’s good. Great. I think she’s the kind of person who was made to get married. I’m pretty certain this whole planning thing is just one orgasm after another for her.” She clamped her jaw shut. “I mean...You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
She fidgeted. “I’m going to try this one more time and hope I make myself clear. Whatever happened while you were gone, it doesn’t change what I think of you or how I feel about you. I know who you are, even if you can’t see it. I’m not going to run away because you made mistakes. I’ll leave—walk out of your life for good—if that’s what you want. But don’t you dare push me away because you think that’s what’s best for me. That’s my decision to make, not yours.”
The words struck a chord he didn’t want to acknowledge. He couldn’t have this conversation with her. Not now, maybe not ever. The high-school memory popped back into his thoughts, and he was about to ignore it when inspiration struck. That memory was exactly what he needed. “Do you want to sleep over?”
“Zane.”
He ignored the pleading in her voice. “Like we used to. Except this time we don’t pretend we fell asleep on accident. Stay over. We’ll be careless kids. We’ll have a sleepover, pop popcorn, and watch the stupidest movies ever. The ones we loved back then.”
A smile crept onto her face. Sadness tinged it, but it was a start. “Did you hear anything I said?”
“All of it.”
“Are you going to respond?”
“Give me time.” He tried to hide his wince as soon as the words passed his lips. Had he let too much of himself show?
Something flickered in her eyes, but it was gone before he could interpret it. She bounced to her feet, false cheer flooding in. “All right. I’m in.”
This was what they needed. Teasing. Joking. Fun. It was what they were missing. Even if her actions did look forced and mechanical. That would pass.
She bent at the waist to flip through a list of films on his hard drive. “What do we watch first?”
“Whatever you want.”
She double-clicked on Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. He shouldn’t have been surprised. They’d watched that movie to death when they were younger, each of them taking one of the lead characters’ lines. “You know, I kind of miss that old black-and-white TV of yours,” she said as the movie started rolling.
“I kind of don’t.” He much preferred the widescreen multi-media laptop he’d gotten as a welcome back gift. It didn’t have the horsepower he needed for some of his extracurricular activities, but since he had more or less outgrown hacking websites—and didn’t miss it nearly as much as Sabrina thought—he wasn’t too concerned about it.
She pushed him back on the futon as the movie started. “Get comfortable.”
He shifted his weight until his back was against the wall, legs out in front of him. His cock throbbed when she crawled over the blanket toward him. The sitting-in-his-lap thing was new, since he’d gotten back.
“I swear”—she pushed his legs apart, to sit between them—“if I feel something hard poking me in the butt...”
She would. There was absolutely no way around that. “You’ll know I’m a healthy man and you’re an incredibly sexy woman, sitting as close as is physically possible?”
She pulled his arms around her waist. “I was going to say I’d be flattered, but you win.”
He wanted to strip off her clothes and watch her squirm and moan in pleasure, instead of paying attention to the movie. But this was nice too. Actually, when he thought about it, this was amazing. Maybe it was a bad idea.
“When did it happen?” Riley’s voice was soft, as she leaned more of her weight against his chest.
The almost overwhelming desire to spend the night making love to her? He was starting to think it had always been there. “When did what happen?”
“When did we lose this? The ability to let loose with each other. Things have been strained for so long. I mean, not like in a way most people would notice, but I see it, and I’m pretty sure you do too. Those awkward pauses that never used to be there. Did it happen when you enlisted?”
The answer popped into his head, and he realized he’d been thinking about it for a long time yet never recognized it. “It happened when I started dating Amanda.”
She leaned her head back on his shoulder, touching her cheek to his. “How do you figure?”
He expected the memories to hurt. He hadn’t been down this road willingly in so long. “She hated me spending time with you.”
“Why?”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“She was insanely jealous of you. Vocally. Intensely.” Zane had never understood why, until now.
“She was insane. It’s not the same. I’m still not getting it.”
Because Amanda was just the girl he’d been fucking. Riley was the entire other half of his universe. “I couldn’t talk to her the way I talk to you. I tried a couple times. I guess it felt like... I was betraying you.”
She closed her eyes, a soft smile playing on her lips. “You were together for so long.”
It was true. “She asked me to marry her, not the other way around.”
Riley sat up and turned to look at him in shock. “Seriously?”
“There was always something missing there. I think she hoped marriage would fix it.” The same thing Archer had said.
Riley shook her head. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“I know that now, but back then... Let me put it this way—why did you think people were going to hate you when they found out you turned Archer down?”
Suddenly her body wasn’t molded to his anymore. Her spine went rigid. “At least one person does.”
He moved a hand to the back of Riley’s neck, to rub lightly. “Their opinions aren’t worth shit.” She relaxed under the attention. Or maybe it was the words. He wasn’t sure. “That’s my point. It’s what we’re told people do. Right? They date for a while, and as long as they get along, they get married. Everyone expects it. She and I had been together for years. I figured it was the next step.”
Riley leaned back into him again. “Except there was something missing.” He didn’t know if she was talking about him and Amanda or her and Archer. “Getting along, nice qualities... they don’t really mean anything if the two of you don’t click. I mean, maybe I’m just a cynical romantic, but I’d rather go without, than tie myself to someone I don’t have that spark with.”
He wrapped his arms around her waist again and rested his cheek against hers. “Yeah, me too.”
“About Sabrina...” She trailed off.
Where had that come from? He tried to keep his tone light and his posture casual. “What about her?”
“I guess it’s none of my business, and I probably don’t want to know the answer, but since I’m wondering and we’re being open, I’m going to ask anyway.”
He frowned, glad she couldn’t see it. What was she getting at?
She shuddered. “Do you have a similar agreement with her that you do with me?”
The line of conversation made less and less sense the deeper it dove. “I don’t have anything with her, let alone something even close to what you and I have.” Speaking the words sent a sharp spike of heat through him. They hit so close to home, and at the same time seemed woefully inadequate to the love he had for Riley.
“So this afternoon was just a tumble because you were bored?”
It took him a moment to process what she said, and when he did, he almost choked. “This afternoon was her telling me I was stupid for turning down the CIA job. There was no tumble. Did she tell you that?”
“Yes.” Riley’s answer was almost lost among the exaggerated boguses in the background.
That explained why Riley seemed removed and on edge. Or he hoped it did. “I swear on all I hold dear, I haven’t done anything with her or even thought about it for ages.”
She sagged against him, but her neck was still straight, rigid. “The guy who fantasizes about every attractive woman he knows isn’t even thinking about it in regards to her.”
A smile leaked out at the dry teasing. “Most guys do that. Besides, not every woman—just you and a couple of movie stars, and honestly... really only you since we started fooling around.”
“I have a hard time buying that.”
He brushed his lips over the outside edge of her ear. Relief flooded him when she sighed and relaxed further instead of pulling away. “You can be a pretty all-consuming thought. I mean that in the best way possible.”
When she shifted her weight and rubbed her back against him, it called to the lust he’d tried to beat back since she turned him down. Apparently his dick wasn’t listening.
She trailed her fingers lightly down his forearms and then back up again. “You’re just saying that to get laid.”
A small laugh shook his frame. “I’m saying it because it’s true.” His mouth hovered millimeters from the curve where her neck met her shoulder, the soft melon scent of her shampoo searing his veins with need. Maybe this was what he needed, to let go. Guilt and regret surged back, taunting him, reminding him he hadn’t earned that privilege.