DOUBLE JEOPARDY

Each day I wake in the court of conscience to be judged guilty and unworthy. In this sorry realm I am the judge, prosecutor, and jury, and, without defense, I accept the verdict and the sentence, a lifetime of regret and guilt to be administered by myself.

—The Mistletoe Promise

Have you ever punished yourself for a mistake over and over? Learning to forgive ourselves is difficult for many of us, but especially for the most caring among us—those with kind, sensitive hearts. (I’m pretty sure sociopaths don’t have this problem.)

Not only do these good people condemn themselves harshly but, in a true act of injustice, they also try themselves over and over for the same offense. There’s a name for this—double jeopardy—and it was considered an act of such injustice to America’s founding fathers that they specifically added this line to the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution: “Nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb…”

The goal of the double jeopardy amendment is to avoid multiple prosecutions for the same crime. Yet that is precisely what many of us do to ourselves. We try ourselves repeatedly for the same offense, inflicting multiple punishments of self-hate, shame, and rejection. This is wholly unjust and wrong.

There is nothing wrong with feeling guilt for doing wrong. In fact, people who don’t feel guilt scare me a little. But once we have acknowledged our mistakes and, if possible, made amends, the just and right thing is to let it go. Holding on to past wrongs is as foolish as a professional basketball player perseverating over a missed shot in a previous game. It not only distracts from the current game but also increases the chance of repeating the same mistake.

There is another reason to pursue self-forgiveness. Oftentimes we specifically attack others for the crimes we are unable to forgive in ourselves. The act of forgiving ourselves opens us up to the possibility of forgiving others.

So how do we forgive ourselves?

It begins with a decision to do so. But it usually takes more than that. Since humans are ritualistic by nature, here’s an idea someone shared with me that helped: Take a piece of paper and write down your mistake in detail. Be very specific—when it took place, who was harmed, and how many times you’ve punished yourself for the error. (You’ll probably have to estimate, as the number could be unknowable.) Then burn it in the backyard barbecue or firepit. Let it go. Be free.

The memory of your mistake may come again, as punishing yourself might have become a mental habit, but don’t worry. When the thought pops back into your mind, this time you’ll counter it with, “Nope, already processed that.” Eventually your self-condemnation will completely vanish.

Remember, in considering past offenses, both yours and others, the key question to ask isn’t whether anyone was wronged but, rather, what are you gaining by your lack of forgiveness? Victimhood is a cage, and you hold the key. Let yourself out.