by Dallas Jennifer Cobb
This year has brought big change. After almost fifteen years of partnership with the father of my daughter, I chose to leave the relationship. Wait. This is not an article about “why” I left the relationship, but an article about “how.” And how to use Pagan beliefs, principles, and practices to help you through this process.
Separation and divorce are often portrayed as angry, nasty, and painful for everyone involved. People are expected to “lawyer up” and fight their battles viciously, attacking one another in hatred and anger.
But as a Pagan, I believe that like attracts like. So, wanting to avoid negativity, I approached separation from a less acrimonious point of view. I wondered if I could consciously work through the process of dissolution knowing that separation and divorce, like autumn and winter, are normal events—part of the cycle of life. Surely Pagan beliefs, practices, and rituals could help guide the process and transform the energy of our dissolving relationship.
The magical unfolding that took place, the rapidly changing energy of the relationship, and a ton of research has taught me a lot about how to approach separation with magical intent and outlook. And I want to share some ways I approached the daunting task of “untying the knot” with my previous partner.
Tying the Knot
When we handfasted in 1999, people called it “tying the knot.” Our hands were literally tied together, binding us physically, symbolic of how we were bound by love, vows, and commitment.
I chose a handfast ceremony with my community gathered to witness because it reflected my spiritual beliefs and felt more relevant than being legally married under the laws of Canada. (Incidentally, if a couple lives together for six months or has a child, they are considered “equivalent to married” under our taxation laws.)
My partner and I planned and organized the handfast. We invested our time, energy, and the resources available through our community. And we saved ourselves a lot of money.
With happy events, it’s easy to plan a ritual that supports the process. Like spring, the energy is growing, the enthusiasm engaging, and the possibilities seem endless. But what do we do when a relationship starts to wane, when there is no longer happiness, and the future feels emotionally overwhelming and painful?
Untying the Knot
When loved wanes, vows are broken, and commitment is no longer desired, it feels bleak and hopeless. I have learned the importance of using structures like rites and rituals to ease me through the wheel of the year and life’s ups and downs. Seeing our relationship as a cycle that was coming to completion helped me understand that I could rely on my beliefs and use ritual to get through the cycle of a personal union, including its end.
Structures can help anchor painful emotions and keep them from overwhelming us while accepting their existence, affirming their expression, and engaging their transformative energy.
When I initially proposed a conscious dissolution of our relationship, my partner was very angry and hurt, but after processing his grief, he agreed that we were better off conserving our time and money to help us on our independent paths rather than spending money on a long, drawn-out process involving lawyers.
With his agreement, I turned to conscious planning, employing magic and my Pagan foundation to help change the energy surrounding separation. I examined all the ways we were bound to one another and consciously tried to “untie the knot.” While separation is difficult, there are ways to make it easier and less painful. There are also ways to save time, energy, money, and heartache.
However, while we can do so much of the personal, financial, and legal work of separation and divorce ourselves, never underestimate the magical power of a good lawyer, tax accountant, social worker, or police officer when one is needed.
Naming the Knots
We’re bound to our partners in so many ways that it may take time to identify all the ways you are linked. And then there’s the matter of making plans to dissolve those particular knots.
If you were legally married, you need to legally file for divorce. There are some great online resources, including the aptly titled www.untietheknot.ca, a Canadian-based resource, for doing most of the work toward an uncontested divorce yourself. For more, see www.collaborativedivorcebc.org.
If you were not legally married, then your union is considered “equivalent to spouse.” In Canada, it is called a “common law” relationship. Such unions don’t require legal divorce, but in many provinces and states you are required to draft and file a separation agreement, which is a document outlining how you will address the care of children and the division of joint assets and debts.
In addition to legal and financial untying, it is important to consider social and emotional untying and make plans to release each other from the family and emotional bonds that held you.
Collaborative Separation or Divorce
A collaborative separation or divorce is exactly what it sounds like—working together to dissolve the union and avoid the financial and emotional pitfalls of adversarial separation.
Professionals used in the collaborative process can include lawyers, mental health professionals, mediators, a financial specialist, and a child advocate, depending on the family’s needs. A collaborative divorce process is often less time-consuming, costly, and emotionally draining than adversarial legal proceedings. In the United States and Canada, there is a growing movement of “collaborative lawyers” who believe that couples can figure out how to best dissolve their union.
I spent $700 for a collaborative lawyer and $400 for a real estate lawyer who handled the property transaction in which I bought out my ex’s interest in our shared home. Almost everyone who is separated or divorced will tell you that they paid much more than $1,100 for their lawyer’s services.
My ex and I were committed to resolving our union as affordably and peacefully as possible and used the well-being of our daughter as the guide for how we would negotiate. We both used collaborative lawyers. We got a template of a separation agreement off the internet and for two months went back and forth negotiating it. We wrote a detailed and far-reaching document that addressed everything we thought needed to be resolved. When we finished, we both took a copy to our respective lawyers.
Independent legal input and oversight on a separation agreement is important. Lawyers are trained to think about the things that we don’t and give sound advice. They also help you comply with your region’s Family Law Act and protect your interests and the interests of any children.
Hiring a collaborative lawyer was money well spent. My lawyer reviewed the document, tightened up ambiguous wording, recommended changes, and advised me on aspects of the law that I hadn’t considered, which helped me make sound, informed decisions. Following legal input, my ex and I forwarded proposed amendments to one another, and our respective lawyers helped us to find solid middle ground.
The agreement detailed the division of assets, furniture, and fixtures; the financial net equalization of our union; child custody, visitation, child-support, and financial care; and even outlined the proposed tone and method for future communication. The use of a real estate lawyer was a mere formality to ensure that the property transfer transaction was done correctly.
In my case, the collaborative lawyer worked well because my goal was a quick and fair separation. Conventional lawyers make more money if your case stretches out, which provides an incentive to fan the flames of discord. If you and your ex-partner are on speaking terms, have a conversation about using collaborative lawyers. The money you both save can be money that helps each of you move into the future.
Emotional Knots
Untying emotional knots is a long and sometimes messy process. As when winter is approaching, it is important to stock our emotional and social “larder” with supplies for the long journey ahead.
The emotional impact of separation is similar to the stages of grieving following death. Even the person who chose to end the relationship has do deal with loss, grief, and pain. Emotions can be huge and scary, so put supports in place. I chose to process emotions privately and not air dirty laundry in public. I used a therapist who provided perspective and guided me in providing emotional care for myself and my daughter. My mother and her partner acted as sage counsel to check out my big decisions. I turned to my closest allies to practice strong cleansing, protection, and blessings magic, and I undertook a lot of solitary practices to help steer myself (and my daughter) into the future.
I tried to communicate with my ex in a clear, straightforward manner and specifically focused on our legal and financial processes, our daughter and her best care, and the practical details of moving and dividing. When he lapsed into acting out his emotions, trying to badger me with anger, blame, or bullying, I carefully broke off the conversation. I chose not to delve into the negative with him, or about him, believing that like attracts like.
In our fifteen years together, we fulfilled the purposes of our union: we loved one another, created our daughter together, moved to the country and built a home, and supported one another through many difficult life experiences. With these tasks complete, our purpose—and our union—was complete.
My closest friends supported me strongly throughout the process, spending time in ritual clearing old, stagnant energy, and helping to welcome, envision, and enliven my new life. These women helped me grieve, honored my feelings, and showered me with love, affirmation, and affection. They sowed the seeds of new life in me as I came through the winter of grieving and letting go.
When I bought my ex out of our shared home, my friends helped to ritualistically clear, cleanse, and bless the house. Throwing doors open, we moved through each room, smudging away the old energy, clearing the final bits of his property, and ringing a small bell to clear the vibrations of the past from the premises. I wept through the entire process, overwhelmed with feeling. And these women held me.
Magical talismans from my altar were then placed on the feast table and charged with love and merriment. Later, people placed these objects throughout my home, energizing the new life my daughter and I were starting. The objects remain where they were placed, and when I see them, I’m affirmed by the energy of love and merriment.
Untying the Knot Ritual
A ritual provides a structure to consciously work toward changing the energy that needs to change. Untying the knot is useful for symbolically loosening the binds that held you together and creating space for letting go of anger, hurt, expectations, and resentments as the relationship ends. The blessings offers a chance to create a vision of a future separate and apart, and affirms the people leaving the relationship. Blessed and empowered they leave the circle to start life anew on a fresh path.
This ritual can be adapted for a group of any size. You could have a large group such as those who witnessed your handfasting, a smaller group consisting of your ritual circle or coven, or conduct the ritual with just an officiant you and your ex. In fact, this ritual can be done alone, without your previous partner, and still be highly effective. Don’t get too hung up on the format. Focus on the process of magic—transforming or changing the energy.
Prepare an altar. Use the handfasting rope if you have it, otherwise take a length of rope and tie many knots in it, visualizing the ways you are bound to your partner. This work can be done in advance by the couple or by one person. With each knot, know the ways you’re tied.
For endings and beginnings use a black candle and two white candles, one for each person. Prepare blessing oil in advance.
The ritual is one of transformation, dissolving the partnership, blessing each individual.
A sacred circle is cast:
Come together and circle round,
In circle’s center safety be found.
The couple moves to the center
We encircle this couple in sacred space,
And work strong magic in this place.
Call in the directions clockwise:
From the North this couple received nurturing.
From the East, delight and joy together.
From the South, this couple received passion.
And from West their fluid feelings.
Then stand here at the center in spirit.
We gather to witness the end and new beginning, as ____________ and _______________ are untying the knot. This rope represents the many ways they have been bound together.
Light the black candle.
We illuminate the gifts of this relationship.
Light the two white candles.
We illuminate the two strong souls who grew together.
Knotted rope is handed over to the couple who hold it together.
The couple unties each knot, saying aloud what they are dissolving: Commitment, monogamy, shared banks accounts, cohabiting … whatever is relevant to them.
We witness your untying.
The priestess takes the rope, then extinguishes the black candle. The two are separated, anointed with blessing oil, and handed a flickering white candle.
We bless you in your choice to walk apart.
Your spirit is yours to guard.
Join the circle.
The two people ease into the circle.
Close the circle counterclockwise:
Bless these two as they journey on:
West bless their clarity and deep resolve
South bless their strong spirits
East bless their conscious thought and choice
North bless their firm foundations
May you walk in peace, and meet in peace, as you go your separate ways.
The circle is open, but never broken.
Merry meet, and merry part, and merry meet again.
Each person walks away in a different direction, on their own. The priestess takes the black candle to bury, the individuals extinguish and take their white candles home.