The Importance of Practice

To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.

THOREAU, Walden

There is no doubt that just hearing about the importance of being more present, more aware, more empathic, and more accepting in one’s life and, particularly, in one’s parenting can be suggestive enough to some people to put them on a different track, to awaken them to their own capacity to, as Thoreau put it, “affect the quality of the day” intentionally, to inspire them to new openness and sensitivity in their lives and in their parenting.

But we also know that the human mind has its own particular way of operating, which makes it difficult for most of us to “just wake up” all of a sudden. To get in touch with the present moment usually requires effort and consistency. Seeing clearly is not something that easily sustains itself. For instance, we may catch only occasional glimpses or vague intimations of our own sovereignty and our capacity to embody it in everyday life. Insight and transformation do not, as a rule, come easily to us as human beings.

We have to practice learning to live in the present. We have to practice seeing with eyes of wholeness. Why? Because, perhaps due to the nature of the human mind, we spend much of our lives practicing the exact opposite of mindfulness. We practice not living in the present moment. We practice being carried away from ourself, from our sovereignty, from our interconnectedness by our thoughts and feelings, by our likes and dislikes. We practice anxiety. We practice getting angry. We practice grasping for what we most want. And the more we practice, through repeating these patterns in our lives, the “better” we get at them, and the harder they are to break out of.

This is why mindful parenting has to be understood as a practice, a discipline, and not simply a philosophy or a good idea. As a practice, it helps us liberate ourselves from the deep patterns in our minds and in our lives that keep us apart from ourselves and from the only moments we have in which to live and grow and affirm our interconnectedness.

We are using the word practice somewhat differently from the way it is ordinarily thought of. Practice here means “embodying presence and wakefulness right now.” It is not like practicing the piano or a dance step. It is not an exercise or a rehearsal. It is not to get better at something by repeating it over and over again, although a deepening does happen the more you practice being mindful.

Every time you pick up your baby, if you do it with awareness, it is practice. It is a matter of being fully there. And what does “being fully there” mean? It means “being fully here.” It means knowing that you are picking up your baby while you are picking up your baby. It means being in touch with feeling, smelling, touching, listening, holding, breathing, with whatever is happening, and embracing it all in awareness as you do whatever it is that your intuition, and your baby, and the moment tell you is what needs doing, whether it is feeding, diapering, dressing, singing, or something else. This something else can include nothing at all. It may be that nothing is called for other than just being as present as you can be in that moment.

You do not have to be “good” at this, and certainly judging yourself is not part of the spirit of being mindful. It’s good enough to be present in this particular moment. Why? Because you already are. Why not be here completely? Then you might be able to taste wholeness in this very moment, because it is always here, now, to be seen, felt, and embraced. We are separate and yet not separate at the same time.

So practice simply means intentionally remembering to be fully present with whatever comes up so that you are not on automatic pilot or acting mechanically. When you are picking up the baby, you are picking up the baby. When you are hugging your child, you are there with hugging your child. When you are setting a limit or communicating an expectation, you are fully present for that. Your mind is not off someplace else, or if it is, you are aware of that, too, and so can bring it back. It is simple, but it is not so easy, because our minds are so readily carried off elsewhere.

There are many, many ways to practice. There is no aspect of life or of parenting that cannot become practice simply by bringing it intentionally into awareness and holding it in awareness as it unfolds. The more we are willing to pay attention, the more firmly grounded we become in mindfulness and in mindful parenting. Each one of us has all the equipment we need to do this inner and outer work. Each child, each circumstance, each breath, every moment, it is all here, waiting to be embraced right now. If we approach life in this way, then, as Thoreau was suggesting, affecting the quality of the day truly becomes an art form. It is an ongoing refining of how we live and are in the world, allowing ourselves to be refined by what each day provides.