Letters to a Young Girl Interested in Zen

One day, I (jkz) received a letter from Caitlin, the daughter of a friend. She had chosen to do a project for school on Zen Buddhism and wanted to go beyond what she could learn from the few written sources that were available to her. Her father had suggested she write to me. Her letter was so beautifully composed, her tone so self-possessed, her questions so filled with genuine interest, that I sat down on the spot and tried as best I could to convey to her a sense of the beauty and the depth of the Zen perspective on meditation practice. I realized later that my response touched on elements of meditation practice in ways that might be helpful to adults, and so I include it here.

In general, we believe that we have to be very careful in offering meditation to children, and that parents may not be the best people to teach it to their children. It is wonderful, of course, when they see you meditating. Sometimes, when our children were little, they would come and sit on my (jkz) lap as I was sitting. I would wrap them up in my blanket and arms, continuing to sit silently. When they were ready to go, I would open the blanket and they would emerge. If they said, “Daddy, I’m hungry,” that was the end of my formal practice that morning. Still, in the spirit of bringing mindfulness to all aspects of our parenting, it is important to be sensitive to what is coming from our children, and what we may be forcing on them from our desire to have them value what we value. Now, there are several resources for parents who want to try to meditate with their young children, in the form of books such as Sitting Still Like a Frog and Building Emotional Intelligence, both of which have guided meditation CDs that approach practice with a very light and playful touch (see Suggested Reading).

In Caitlin’s case, the impulse to learn about meditation came from her. You might say that my response was an attempt to provide her with some tools for cultivating her own garden. What I found out was that she was quite a gardener already. With her permission, I share parts of my letters to her and some of the poems she sent me.

February 11, 1996

Dear Caitlin:

Thank you for your wonderful letter of January 31. I was happy to hear that you are excited about Zen and Buddhism, and I think it is great that you are taking your interest out beyond the usual sources from which we gather information when we have a project such as yours. Books can be very helpful, and I have enclosed a few of my favorites here, which I hope you will dip into every now and again, as what they say to you will change over time. But especially in Zen, you have to go beyond what the books say, to EXPERIENCE what they are pointing to, to really understand what it is about.

What Zen and Buddhism are really about is KNOWING WHO YOU ARE. You might say, “Well, that is silly. Of course I know who I am!” Then you might say, “I am Caitlin and I am 11 years old.” But “Caitlin” is just a sound (we call it a name, and a very beautiful one) that your parents gave to you when you were born. And 11 years old is just the number of times the Earth has circled the Sun since you were born. Weren’t you “you” before you got the name Caitlin? Also, are you the same “you” that you were when you were five, or when you were two? Of course you are; and also you’re not, because you are always growing, and changing. What you thought then, or wanted then, or felt then may not be what you think or want or how you feel now. But the deep something that is “you” is still you and will always be you.

But can you see that this is also a little mysterious, the question of who you are? So Zen is about knowing yourself, understanding yourself, and knowing what that means. Part of what it means is knowing that some kinds of knowing and understanding are beyond words, and beyond thinking, and beyond anybody being able to tell you about. This knowing is very personal and intuitive. That is why much of Zen is in the form of poetry and impossible riddles. They cut through the thinking mind, and point to something beyond it, which is freer, and more fundamental. That doesn’t mean that thinking is “bad.” Thinking is great, and very important, and it is necessary to learn how to think well. But it is not all there is, and thinking, if you’re not careful, can dominate your life and make you forget the deeper, more feeling, more intuitive, more artistic aspects of your being, of your true self (as the Buddhists call it… who you “really” are… beyond your name, your age, your opinions, your likes and dislikes). Sound confusing? That is only because I have to use words to talk about what is beyond words. It is really very simple, and that is one of the beauties of Zen… its utter simplicity. But that also makes it seem mysterious on the surface when it’s really not. You just have to understand what it is pointing toward.

So here are some traditional Zen pointers. A friend of mine once wrote a tiny book full of them, which she illustrated.

When sitting, just sit.

When eating, just eat.

When walking, just walk.

When talking, just talk.

When listening, just listen.

When looking, just look.

When touching, just touch.

When thinking, just think.

When playing, just play,

And enjoy the feeling of each moment and each day.

NARAYAN LIEBENSON,
When Singing Just Sing: Life as Meditation

You ask me if there are any Zen riddles (they are traditionally called koans in Japanese) that are meaningful to me and that really stay with me throughout the day. Yes, there are, and I have found them to be quite wonderful and helpful over the years. The key, as you suggest, is to be open to letting them visit you and revisit you throughout the day.

Here are a few:

• Does a dog have Buddha nature?

• What was your face before your parents were born?

• Who are you?

• Have you finished your breakfast? Then go wash your bowl!

Remember, you cannot answer these adequately or understand them by thinking about them and speaking in the usual way. One of my teachers, a Korean Zen Master, used to say, “Open your mouth and you’re wrong.” (This is sometimes the way Zen Masters speak.) They have a saying, “Don’t mistake the finger pointing at the moon for the moon.” So think about Zen riddles and stories as fingers pointing to something. The pointing is not the something. (You wouldn’t climb on top of a sign saying “New York City” with an arrow, and think you had gotten to New York City, would you?) In the case of Zen koans, the “something” that is being pointed to is not even a “thing.” So it’s best to just keep the riddle or the question or the story in mind, to hold it, to cradle it in your mind and in your heart, whatever that means to you, and not try to answer it, or even understand it in the usual thinking way. This is what meditation is really about. It is keeping in the front of your mind the mystery and the beauty of living, of “having” a body, of being alive, of being connected to your family and friends and to nature, and to the planet, of not having all the answers, or even knowing where you are going all the time. It is all OK. What is important is to be AWAKE, to be present in this moment, with the whole of your experience, with your feelings, your intuition and imagination, your body and everything it feels and does, and with your thinking. It is all part of who you are, but you are more than all of it, being whole, and always growing as well, being and becoming, knowing and not knowing. Not only is it OK, it is absolutely wonderful. That means, YOU are absolutely wonderful already, and so you don’t have to become wonderful, or better, you just have to let yourself be yourself, and learn not to get in your own way all the time (this is a problem you may not have, but a lot of people do, unfortunately, and that is why meditation can be so helpful to them). This was the Buddha’s original discovery. It’s both very special, and not so special, since everyone’s mind is potentially the same as the Buddha’s. It’s just a matter of being awake and paying attention. That’s why my friend Joko Beck’s book, which I have enclosed, is called Nothing Special. By the way, she is a 78-year-old American grandmother Zen Master, and if you met her, you would think she was just a regular person, because she is. Just like you and me and your mom and dad. Nothing special, only very special.

So, this brings us to techniques, which is your third question. Yes, there are techniques to help cultivate this understanding of who you are, and of a full appreciation of being alive and sharing in life with all living things. But it is important, before I tell you a few of them, for me to say that you will have to remember that the techniques are also just fingers pointing at the moon. They are not the goal, they are merely signs pointing to your own experience, and helpful aids, like training wheels on a bike, to use formally until you get the “feeling” of what it is really about to be present from moment to moment (remember, “when walking, just walk…”) for that, in a nutshell, is what it means to have “Zen Mind.”

It turns out that “just walking” or “just sitting,” in fact, just doing anything, isn’t so easy. Take walking, for instance. If you try to “just walk,” you may find that, in addition to walking, you are also thinking about where you are going, or worried about being late, or what will happen when you get there, so that you are not fully aware of your body, say, your feet, or your hands, or your spine, or your breathing. So just walking is not so easy. You have to work at it, and this working at it is called “practice” or “meditation practice.” That’s right. Meditation is simply working at being aware of each moment, no matter what you are doing, and not being carried away by your thoughts or feelings, whatever they are, whether they are interesting, happy, unhappy, or blah. It is not about trying to change anything. The point is just to be aware of this moment as you are experiencing it.

If you learn this when you are young and it becomes a way of life with you, it can have an incredible effect on your life for years and years and years, because it develops your deep inner capacity for being a wiser, happier, and more caring and playful person. We all have this capacity, especially when we are young, but age and life can sometimes weigh on people to such an extent that they forget that they are miraculous beings, and that they have tremendous capacities for wisdom and compassion and creativity. Meditation practice is a way to keep yourself from forgetting this, and a way to develop WHO YOU ARE, fully, across the entire lifespan. Then, it turns out, things will change in marvelous ways sometimes, and difficult ways other times, and you will be able to participate in those changes and contribute to them, and give direction to your life out of your own wisdom and awareness. Then your life choices will be healthier, and you will be better able to handle all manner of things, even very difficult times and lots of stress.

So, if you want to practice, there are lots of techniques. Paying attention to your breathing is probably the best one to start with, because you can’t leave home without it. You are not always walking, or talking, or sitting, or eating, but you are always breathing. So you can pay attention to your breathing, and become friends with it at any moment. If you do, it will calm you down when you are upset, but more importantly, it will help keep you in touch with the present moment. This moment is it. You will never have it again. So Zen says, don’t miss it. “Don’t let an opportunity like this go by” (the great Sufi/Indian poet Kabir said that).

One more thing. Just as the techniques are not what it is really about, but just a systematic way to get more intimate with your own life, so the practice of meditation is not limited to just sitting or lying down and tuning into your breathing for a period of time each day. It is really about being present, awake, and aware in your life, moment by moment, and day by day, in everything you do. And since your breathing goes with you, wherever you are, you can always use it to bring you into your body and back into the present moment so that:

when you are walking, you are just walking,

when you are eating, you are just eating,

when you are helping your little brother, you are just helping your little brother,

(when you are teasing your little brother, you are just teasing him),

when you are talking on the phone, you are just talking on the phone,

when you are studying, you are just studying…

I think you get the idea.

One more thing: the idea is to practice moment-to-moment awareness of your breathing or anything else without judging, and without a lot of emotional reacting. It’s not that these won’t happen. Of course they will. But the idea is to be aware of your constantly judging mind, and try to suspend judgment and just let things be as they are, at least while you are practicing. If you are always judging everything and everybody, and have opinions about everything, your mind and your heart will already be filled up with thinking and judging, liking and disliking, and your opinions will cloud your ability to see clearly.

Here is a favorite Zen story: A university professor came to see a Zen Master to ask him what Zen was really all about. He had done a lot of reading, and was now following up to get the real story.

The Zen Master invited the professor to sit down across the table from him and proceeded to serve him tea. He poured the tea into his guest’s cup, and when the cup was full, he just kept pouring and pouring, and the tea ran out of the cup and over the saucer and all over the table and floor.

The astonished professor yelled, “What are you doing? Can’t you see the cup is already full?”

“Yes, I see,” said the Zen Master. “Similarly with your mind. How can you expect me to put anything in it when it is already so full of ideas and opinions?”

So remember, try not to judge everything all the time and have a strong opinion about everything. I know this is difficult, because school and the whole of society is constantly trying to get us to have opinions. But you are not your opinions, and it’s good to know that. In fact, you are not any of your thoughts. You might say, you are the thinker, the feeler, the seer. But, coming back to page one of this letter, who is that? That is the question to keep in mind. Trust awareness and wakefulness above all else. Trust your true self, your own heart, your own intuition. Another way to say this is that it is fine to have opinions, but if you are not aware of them, you will get so attached to them and closed-minded that you will not be able to learn anything new.

You asked me why I chose to start practicing these techniques and teachings. Because I knew in my heart that there had to be more to life than what I was experiencing when I was a graduate student studying molecular biology, and I didn’t want to miss my own life as it went by. So I got into yoga and meditation and the martial arts because I found that they fed something deep in me that nothing else was feeding. And as a result, I became a lot less angry, and a happier person. Meditation helps me to be calmer and clearer and more loving and accepting, and to take more effective action in my life than I think I would have been able to do if I had not started practicing it, now some thirty years ago. And I still keep at it every day… not to get anywhere or even to feel good. I do it because it is one good way to love life and to be in touch with what is important. I love listening to silence.

You ask how Buddhism and Zen affect the world? I think they are pointing to something universal in life and in people that is important for our survival as a species, and for our happiness in society and as individuals. As the world gets more and more complicated, and as it goes faster and faster, and we feel more and more time pressure and stress, we will need to learn how to take better care of ourselves and our planet. Buddhist wisdom can help us out a lot here. There is such a thing as “Buddhist economics.” Perhaps you have heard of the phrase “small is beautiful.” That is part of it. Not causing harm to living creatures is another part of it that the world could learn from. I think that we need more awareness and more selflessness in politics and in business, and in the world in general. Nowadays, millions of Americans are practicing meditation. This is very different from even twenty years ago. This is a very positive change.

Finally, you ask about unusual beliefs or practices that I find interesting and insightful. I guess you might say that all of the above is somewhat unusual. I suppose that we should just come full circle here, to say that watching your own mind is what it is about. Beliefs are fine, but it’s important not to get so attached to them that they blind us to other aspects of reality. In the end, it is just a matter of being yourself, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. The practices are all to help us to do that, and to remind us that we are already OK, and very precious. And unique.

There is a saying that goes, “I asked him what time it was, and he told me how a watch works.” Maybe it’s the same here, I don’t know. All I know is that I loved your letter and the enthusiasm behind it, and so I find that I have written you seven pages in response. I hope you don’t feel overwhelmed by this letter. Perhaps I have said too much, or made it too complicated. If that is the case, just take the parts that make the most sense to you and throw away the rest.

Feel free to write if you like. And good luck on your project.

With warm best wishes,

Jon

February 22, 1996

Dear Caitlin:

Thank you for your letter, and for your poems. What a wonderful project you have chosen (or did it choose you?). William Stafford, one of our great contemporary poets, wrote a poem every morning, before he did anything else, for thirty years. Quite a meditation practice!

And while you are right to think that your understanding of Zen and Buddhism will grow over the years, I can see from your letters and from your poetry that you have “soaked up a lot,” as you put it.

Thank you for the pleasure of getting to know you in this way. Good luck with your project. Feel free to write any time.

With warm best wishes,

Jon

A SAMPLING OF CAITLIN’S POEMS

Branches

Thin, intertwining

A silhouette no artist could cut

But nature.

Mara takes the many shapes

Of gold and jewels and satin drapes

Of diamond rings and plastic hearts

Of false I-love-you from Hallmark cards

It chases, tempts, and hooks you on

And entraps you with its phony song

To search for the Truths as Buddha told

You must listen to riches from days of old

The trees, the air, and NATURE’S song

Have been the real pleasures all along.

(Mara tempted the Buddha with worldly delights just prior to his enlightenment.)

Zen

Still, distinct

Appreciating, being, watching

A single flower in the starlight

Awareness