Media Madness

We live in a time when things are changing more rapidly than ever before in history. We have infinitely more information available to us, but perhaps much of it is not what we most need. We have moved across an invisible and irreversible threshold, from the analog world of all of human history, nature itself, and evolution, into a brave, new digital era in which our lives are interfaced with ever-increasing computing power in an interconnected web of virtual global communication. From a time when parents were concerned about the effects of television watching, we now face the ubiquitous presence of ever-smaller and more mobile digital devices that connect children to the Internet and the World Wide Web, the world of texting and other forms of social networking, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, video, graphics, music, games, as well as countless cable channels, and movies… a Pandora’s box of infinite access to unlimited content. What are parents to do in the face of our children being exposed to worlds we may know little or nothing about, or feel may be unhealthy, even toxic in some cases? How do we protect our children from these kinds of unfiltered exposures? And how do we identify and regulate, depending on their ages, whatever aspects of the technology we think may be positive and growth enhancing?

Between smartphones and tablets, parents now have access to anything and everything digital, and also infinite occasions to distract ourselves and be so absorbed in the digital world that we are out of touch with the present moment and the natural world. Not only do we need to consider our children’s exposure and use of the various media available to them, but we also need to be aware of and perhaps regulate our own use and possible addiction to it in order to be present at all in our lives and with our children. More and more, children are having to compete with these devices to get their parents’ attention. What is more, parents are handing them to small children to keep them occupied. Smartphone apps are increasingly being developed for this very purpose. Our children may be at risk for developing a primary attachment to electronic devices rather than to human beings. And so may we.

There’s no question that the world we live in is transforming before our very eyes. These technological inventions and those yet to come, both in hardware and software, are making a new world. By the time they are adults, our children will be immersed and well versed in it. All the more reason for them to be strong and balanced in body, mind, heart, and spirit, and develop a deep connection to and appreciation for the analog world.

There is no question that the ubiquity of the Internet as well as of social media adds new dimensions to childhood and to parenting that need continual adjusting to and monitoring. This relatively new and ever-changing world requires us to be aware of it up close and, if necessary, regulate its use and the kinds of content our children are potentially being exposed to. Hopefully, with awareness of its looming availability and its seductive pulls, we can find ways to promote balance with other activities—new and uncharted territory for those attempting to parent with some degree of mindfulness in the digital age. If we are addicted to these devices ourselves, it may convey the message that our children are not as important as our e-mails, texts, and tweets.

Fully embodied human beings cannot be nurtured through technology, no matter how clever or engaging the technology may be. We need embodied experiences and the nurturance of the human heart by human beings who feel and who care. Devices, overused as electronic babysitters when parents are busy, or as a convenience when children are bored, can too easily displace important childhood experiences and face-to-face human interaction and activities.

What may on the face of it seem like helpful additions to our lives can have ramifications we may not have fully anticipated. For example, many children now have their own cell phones. Although this can be incredibly useful at times, and certainly in an emergency, the unanticipated downside may be that any time something difficult arises, it is all too easy for a child to immediately seek help or advice from a parent rather than having to rely on his or her own ability to problem-solve. This is one of an increasing number of issues that parents face. Another is the question of whether we allow our children unlimited access to the Internet just because it exists. To what degree are we examining and thinking about its potential positive and negative aspects? Are there ways to tilt things toward the positive and minimize the negative? In this domain, we often have far more questions than answers. But the questioning itself is very important. It is one way of bringing greater mindfulness to the effects these technologies are having on our children and on the family.

Another avenue might be for us to notice the effects of these various devices and technologies on our children while they are engaged with them. What state are their bodies in? Do you see any signs of tension? What kind of movements are they making? What images are they absorbing? How much violence is there? What might the cognitive, emotional, and social effects be on children who more and more inhabit this virtual world? What messages are they getting from engaging in this way? What values might they be absorbing? How many real-life social interactions are they not having by being perpetually absorbed in their devices, even on social media sites?

When children are watching TV shows, we think it is important for us as their parents to ponder similar questions. Studies have shown that on average, the American child watches twenty-five thousand hours of television before reaching the age of eighteen and witnesses more than two hundred thousand acts of violence, including sixteen thousand murders. In its 1996 Physician’s Guide to Media Violence, the American Medical Association reported that the amount of time spent in front of a television or video screen is “the single biggest chunk of time in the waking life of an American child.” The average family in America has the television set turned on for seven hours each day. Sixty percent of families have the TV set on during mealtime. That has not decreased over time. A 2009 Nielsen Company survey showed that children ages two to five spend more than thirty-two hours a week in front of a TV screen.

Again, as parents, we need to be mindful of the effects of such exposure on our children and observe our family’s relationship to this powerful force. Questions we might ask ourselves include: What are we observing in our children when they watch television and in the aftermath of watching? What messages are they absorbing? How passive are they? To what degree are they mesmerized, in a hypnotic trance of sorts? How many hours do they do this each day, each week? What are they not doing while they are doing this? How much cruelty are they witnessing? Do fights start when the TV goes off? How is all this affecting their attitudes and behaviors at home and in school, and their views of themselves and of society? Just observing carefully and asking ourselves such questions can help us to make choices that may significantly increase the quality of family life and enhance the lives of our children. We can also foster more self-awareness in our children by suggesting they pay attention to how they feel when they are engaged in such activities, and afterward.

In many homes, the television is on almost all the time. The images that come from the news bombard even very young children with all the horrible things that are happening in the world each day. Whether they are actively watching the news or not, young people are growing up immersed in a particular, highly skewed view of reality, synthesized out of what corporate network executives decide is newsworthy. This process tends to focus on the most violent and terrible things that are happening locally and throughout the world. Conversely, huge areas of human generativity and creativity, which are equally or more important and actually new, and thus newsworthy, are virtually ignored.

Similar attention needs to be brought to other avenues through which our children are affected by the media and entertainment industry. Sometimes young children are exposed to movies with grotesque and terrifying images that sear themselves into their minds and their memories, when they have no way to filter them, put them in perspective, or understand them. It is hard enough for adults to do that with such mind-numbing and frightening images. The sound track alone can be a total assault on the nervous system, designed to elicit intense physiological distress reactions. Many of the images in violent movies are unthinkable, and it is unthinkable that children would see such things. It is unthinkable, and yet exposure to violent images has become the norm, and as a culture we have become inured to it.

Both movies and television can promote paranoia and distrust, giving the impression that the world is a terribly dangerous place full of crazy and violent people. So much good happens every day in the world but, as we’ve said, it doesn’t make the news. So the view both parents and children have of the world gets very skewed. We find we have to keep reminding our children and ourselves that in spite of the violence in our society, it is still a relatively small percentage of people who commit crimes and cause harm. They need to know that even in the most dangerous neighborhoods, there are many people who are good and caring. Helping our children to feel safe and to see the world in a realistic way that allows them to feel hopeful is a difficult, ongoing challenge. The more violence they witness in the media, the more difficult this is.

There are neighborhoods where violence is more prevalent in children’s lives, whether it is violence they are experiencing in the home or on the streets. Teachers report that children come to school having witnessed violent acts and knowing people who are harmed by them. Some teachers are now bringing mindfulness practices into their classrooms in inner-city neighborhoods to teach children self-awareness, calming skills, emotion regulation, and lovingkindness toward themselves and others. The basic practices of mindfulness, which have to do with being aware of thoughts and feelings, accepting and understanding the ever-changing nature of things, and cultivating an ability to be grounded in one’s own body and breath can be helpful for children in stressful and emotionally challenging situations.

To come back to the example of television, a steady diet of cartoons and sitcoms does not benefit a child’s development, no matter how engaging or clever these programs may be. The presence of television dramatically alters the atmosphere in the home. It looms as a constant and seductive offering, against which all the other activities children might engage in are measured. In this way, it subtly or not so subtly interferes with their experiencing the natural unfolding rhythms of the day, which include periods of quiet, even boredom, that can lead to both physically active and imaginative play, immersion in the natural world, time for musing and introspection, creative time, time playing with friends, time with the family, and time spent connecting with the larger community. Children are developing greater familiarity with characters on TV than they are with real people, and they can get attached to them. Real-life experience may be put on hold so that they won’t have to miss an episode with their TV friends.

Media can easily wind up taking the place of all sorts of developmentally essential experiences that are relational, embodied, and hands-on and that further social and emotional learning and the maturation of pathways within the brain that are critical for effective functioning in adolescence and adulthood. While certain technologies may have some role to play in learning in childhood, it is important for us as parents to be aware of what might be lost, and of the need for balance and oversight.

When our son was five, he had a monarch caterpillar one summer that he put in a jar with some milkweed. He fed it and watched it day after day as it ate the leaves, then miraculously spun itself into a chrysalis and then, after a long latent period, emerged as a butterfly, which he then set free. It is from integrated, participatory experiences such as this that children learn about the world. They are also living metaphors that point to meaning and order and interconnectedness underlying the world and living things. Such experiences stimulate the imagination and delight children with their magic and mystery.

We often noticed that after our children had been engaged in a creative process such as drawing or painting or singing, or listening to us read from books that transport and elevate and excite—creating and populating whole worlds in their minds with beautiful language and finely developed characters and relationships—books such as Ronia, the Robber’s Daughter, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, the Arthurian legends, and fairy tales and myths from different countries and cultures, there was a sense of the children being enlivened, their eyes shining, their faces awash with pleasure.

We didn’t see that look on our children’s faces after they had been watching TV or movies. The process is too passive. No imagination is required. All the images are created for them, a strange combination of numbing and overstimulating the nervous system in an attempt to keep them engaged. There is no time for introspection or reflection, for pauses in which to connect the story to other meaningful experiences in their lives, or to share moments of deep feeling when something touches them.

We found that not having a television when our children were little, although a radical step given their ubiquity in American life, was a viable option—in fact, a wonderful one. Sometimes it takes getting rid of things to see the actual effect that they are having on the family. It is not until they are out of the home that their most pervasive and insidious effects on family life can actually be seen in the contrasting peace and creative uses of time that become options and a way of being only in their absence. What is lost in terms of entertainment for both children and parents is more than compensated for by a resurgence in aliveness that can emerge within the family.

The more difficult path of setting boundaries around the various screen technologies and media-laden devices that are now such a large part of our lives and an ever-more ubiquitous presence in our homes and in our pockets will of necessity take different forms at different ages and stages of our children’s lives. Our understanding and clarity as parents is critical to setting limits. When children are little, they are not going to understand and they don’t have to understand the decisions we make. When we are clear that a change needs to be made, we can respond to their feelings of anger, upset, and frustration simply and matter-of-factly, with some understanding and kindness, and also convey the unwavering message that we are setting a limit. Of course, over time things change, and with it our awareness of what is needed. As our children get older, the need for family agreements and limits can be discussed, with everyone contributing to the decisions that are arrived at.

A friend told us that his teenage daughter’s schoolwork was suffering because of all the time she was spending on social media in the evening. They agreed that for several weeks, she would have a media-free trial period for a number of hours in the evening. At the end of that trial period, they had a conversation about the positives and negatives of limiting her access to social media. His daughter expressed the feeling that it was actually a big relief for her to have a clear boundary and wanted it to continue.

The practice of mindful parenting in large measure involves each of us discovering our own ways of navigating the various situations and conditions that arise within the family. These of course are continually changing with the times and with changing circumstances. How we hold and respond to the specific challenges we face in our lives and to the needs and demands of our children is the actual inner work itself. There are no absolute or enduring “right” answers or “perfect” solutions. The process that each of us goes through in doing this interior work, much of which involves uncertainty and at times some degree of confusion, tension, and pain, is an inevitable part of being a parent, and an inevitable part of bringing mindfulness into parenting.

It is important for us to remind ourselves that mindfulness is not simply about awareness or acceptance. It is also about taking action, hopefully wise action, in the face of complex situations. Any prescription that we might give for a specific situation would of necessity be inadequate from the start. Only you know yourself and your family and your children. What is more, when it comes to media issues, the technologies are changing incredibly rapidly. What we might recommend today may not even be relevant in a year or two. But your own willingness to work with things as they are and with sometimes not knowing how to proceed is the essence of the practice.

One very hopeful sign in terms of the new media comes, ironically, from within the world of Silicon Valley itself. Many of the hugely successful founders of the biggest Internet start-ups are presently in their thirties and forties. It is encouraging and moving to see how many of these entrepreneurs in the digital world are being drawn to the cultivation of mindfulness. They do this both for their own life satisfaction and for modulating the stress of success at an early age, and the never-ending challenges of needing to keep the momentum going forward with continuous innovation in their businesses. Many of these young innovators seem to harbor a yearning for meaning and for a more grounded life experience in and out of work. After all, some are also parents of young children and face the same challenges the digital world presents to all of us. They seem to have a growing awareness of our human interconnectedness and of the importance of working to change the world for the better—not only through new technologies but also through how those technologies are used.