Expectations

The unexamined expectations we have of our children can color how we see things and influence our parental choices and the actions we take. While some of those expectations can be useful and positive for a child’s growth and development and promote self-confidence, agency, and a sense of responsibility, others may be limiting and confining, causing unnecessary suffering for both our children and ourselves.

We all have expectations—of ourselves and of others, and we are especially likely to have them of our children: ideas about how they should behave, how they should look or dress, how well they should do in school, what kinds of relationships they should have, what they should be doing at this age or stage of their development, and so on. As you’ve probably seen in many aspects of your life, close on the heels of expectations usually come judgments of some kind. When we bring mindful attention to our thoughts and feelings, we see that expectations and their associated but often tacit assumptions and judgments are an ever-present feature of our inner landscape. They are most problematic when we hold on to them rigidly and forget that they are just thoughts, often freighted with intense emotion, and not necessarily true. Mindfulness brought to our expectations can therefore be extremely illuminating and liberating.

If we start off by examining the expectations we have of ourselves, we may find that we harbor quite a range of them, and that we often judge ourselves harshly when we don’t “measure up.” Some common expectations we may have are that we should always do things well, or “correctly,” be successful in our work, be a wonderful parent and a devoted and conscientious son or daughter, and be liked and respected by other people.

Judging ourselves harshly when we feel that we haven’t lived up to our own expectations can elicit a range of emotions, depending of course on the specific circumstances and our own life history. These can include shame, disappointment, embarrassment, anger, humiliation, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. Our children can experience similar feelings when they feel judged. For this reason, it is important to be more aware of our expectations and how we express them, the purposes they serve, and the ways that they may affect our children, both positively and negatively.

Our expectations will be different for different children and at different ages. They may also be somewhat different for boys and for girls. Some may have to do with the day-to-day workings of life in the family, such as who is responsible for doing what, and some are more about how we relate to each other. We can also carry more loaded and potentially problematic, often unconscious and unspoken expectations, for example, that a child will always be obedient, or defiant, or shy, or outgoing. We may mean no harm in doing this, but we may unwittingly end up putting our children in conceptual boxes that can be both confining and disregarding. Again, the real problem comes from a lack of awareness of how easily we can be caught up with our own ideas and opinions and not actually see our children in their fullness and complexity.

As part of our ongoing cultivation of mindfulness, we can remind ourselves from time to time to bring awareness to our thoughts and, in doing so, see into the expectations we hold and the emotions associated with them. It also helps to ask ourselves specific questions, such as: What in fact are our expectations for our children? Are they realistic and age-appropriate? Do they contribute to a child’s growth and agency? Are we expecting too much or too little? Are we setting up our child to experience unnecessary stress and failure? Do our expectations and how we express them enhance a child’s sense of self, or do they constrict, limit, or belittle? Do they contribute to a child’s well-being, to feeling loved and cared for and accepted? Are they congruent with this particular child? How do they relate to a child’s unique temperament, learning style, and interests? There is enormous creativity just in engaging in this kind of inquiry, both through questioning in this way and in bringing awareness to thoughts as thoughts, emotions as emotions, and judgments as judgments.

It can be helpful to examine whether our expectations take into account the many facets of each child’s nature and whether they allow them room to try out different behaviors. For instance, can we allow our children to express their angry feelings as long as they don’t harm others? Can we see that expecting a child to always be compassionate and loving, and then expressing disappointment when he or she shows anger or self-interest, may be neither compassionate nor loving?

If you want your children to be generous,

you must first allow them to be selfish.

If you want them to be disciplined,

you must first allow them to be spontaneous.

If you want them to be hard-working,

you must first allow them to be lazy.

This is a subtle distinction,

and hard to explain to those who criticize you.

A quality cannot be fully learned

without understanding its opposite.

NO. 36: “OPPOSITES ARE NECESSARY,”
The Parent’s Tao Te Ching

We can practice becoming more skillful in expressing what we expect of our children in matter-of-fact and clear ways. Over time we can support them in being aware of and developing their own expectations of themselves and others that are both realistic and healthy.

I (mkz) remember very clearly that my expectations for our first child changed when we had another baby. I expected him to be more responsible and independent in ways that I hadn’t before the arrival of his younger sister. The child that had been our “baby” was suddenly seen in a different light compared with the new infant, and our expectations for him started multiplying. Perhaps this common phenomenon comes about in part because it makes our life with a new baby easier, or it may be a by-product of some kind of biological species protection, where we fall in love with the new baby and the older sibling loses his magical aura, because he doesn’t need us in the same way a baby does to survive.

When I see other parents having similar expectations of their older children, I wish I could remind them that their two-year-old is still a baby in many ways; that their four-year-old is just that—a four-year-old; that their six-year-old still needs to be held at times, to feel their adoration and loving energy; and that though their eight-year-old can take on more responsibility and may benefit from doing so, he still needs hugs and time alone with them, to be free to still be a child.

Our children also have expectations of us. They may expect us to be on time, or they may expect us to always be late; to be reliable or to be unreliable; to be available for them, or not to be available; to immediately get angry, or to be understanding. Their expectations of us are based on their experience of how we have acted in the past. They can reveal to us our own behavior, to which we may be blind. This gives us a chance to change in ways that may be healthier for them, and for us as well.

When we suddenly become grumpy or short-tempered and speak in a sharp manner, it can be confusing or upsetting to a child. If we can acknowledge in that moment that we are tired and having a hard time, we give him a framework for understanding our behavior. When we act in an unexpected way and we are able to name it for what it is, we are making an unpredictable and confusing universe more ordered and understandable. Then children are not as likely to blame themselves or to feel tense and anxious when a parent’s mood changes abruptly. It also teaches them something useful about people in general, and they may eventually come to see aspects of their own behavior more clearly as they get older.

If a child accidentally breaks something, she may expect her parents to get angry about it and be surprised when they aren’t. It may be that in the past, her parents got angry in similar situations. However, on this occasion, the parents respond with greater understanding and acceptance, because they are making an effort to be more aware of their own behavior and its effects on their child, trying to keep in mind what is most important. In doing so, they are embodying greater kindness and understanding, breaking out of the realm of limited expectations that they had for their daughter, and, in the process, changing the expectations she has of them.

Our expectations of our children will vary to some degree depending on the pressures we are under and the depth of the resources we feel we have to draw upon in that moment. When we ourselves are stressed and feeling overwhelmed, we might find ourselves wanting affection and sympathy from our children. While it is very human to have those kinds of feelings and needs, we need to remind ourselves that it is not our children’s job to take care of us in this way. That doesn’t mean that they will not be compassionate or understanding at times. Sometimes children respond with tremendous kindness and sympathy, but often they just want what they want and they aren’t interested in our problems, nor should they be. Nor are young children interested in long explanations with lots of words. But it does help them to know that our behavior is connected to how we are feeling, just as their behavior is connected to how they are feeling.

When children are little, there are some basic expectations and rules that we establish, such as “You’re not allowed to cross the street without an adult”; “No matter how angry you are, you’re not allowed to hit people”; “You need to speak in a respectful way.” We also might expect them to have good manners at meals, when greeting people, and so forth. Each of us has to decide what is important to us and what best serves our children and the family as a whole. Being clear about what we feel is unacceptable behavior and what our expectations are is another way of nurturing our children. Small children particularly feel safe and secure, and a sense of relief when our expectations are consistent and clear and supported through our setting limits when they are needed.

As children get older, they start to assume more responsibility for the things they need to do and the ways in which they behave. It helps them when we hold them accountable for their actions and let them experience the natural consequences of what they have done.

At times, we may find our expectations are in direct conflict with those of our children. When one of our children didn’t want us to attend an event at her school, we were surprised and disappointed. We wanted so much to go, and our child wanted to experience it by herself. She wanted it to be her experience.

When our son was going off to college for the first time, I (mkz) wanted and expected to drive him there. As his mother, I wanted to see his new home and be a part of this important transition. He wanted something different. He wanted his friend, with whom he had traveled across the country that past summer, to drive him. He wanted to arrive at college as an independent person, not as a son being taken to school by his parents. After he told us this, for some moments I was torn between strong feelings of disappointment and my effort to see it from his point of view. Ultimately, understanding why it was so important for him to go in his own way helped me let go of my long-held expectation and be able to say with sincerity and acceptance, “I understand why you want to go with your friend, and I’m fine with it.”

In such situations, children are hoping that their parents will see things from their point of view. They want our understanding and acceptance. Sometimes parents are operating only out of the framework of their own needs and desires, not their children’s. It is helpful if we can hold both in awareness, see what is best for our children within the context of what is possible for us, and when necessary, let go of our own strong attachments to how we expect things to be.

We give our children a great if unseen gift when we wrestle with our own expectations and are able to consciously let go of those that don’t serve our children well or aren’t helpful to their growth and well-being. This is an important part of the practice of mindful parenting. When we are able to do this, the atmosphere in the family becomes lighter, there is a greater feeling of spaciousness and balance, and more room for everybody to grow.