4

On her way to the shops one morning Jessica spotted a sign pinned on a notice board outside a local church:

Parent and baby drop-in session with toys and tea in a welcoming, safe environment. Come in and chat to other parents every Tuesday 11am-1pm.

Although not a churchgoer, she went in, driven by loneliness and drawn by the promise of ‘safety’. A group of young women were seated together, seemingly all talking at once, their shrill chatter amplified by the dusty wooden floor and painted walls. Used to sitting at home with no one but a baby for company, Jessica was overwhelmed by the noise. She hesitated on the threshold, and was about to turn and leave when she noticed a thin blonde girl sitting apart from the rest of the women. Taking a deep breath, Jessica went and sat next to her, and the other girl looked up. Her greasy hair was dyed blonde, the roots dark against her pallid skin. She looked scraggy and she had a spotty face, her pimples poorly masked by cheap concealer that was too dark for her pale complexion. As she gazed at Jessica, her blue eyes softened in a smile. They both had young babies.

‘I wondered if Lily was too young for something like this,’ the other girl said, nodding towards her baby so that untidy wisps of hair flapped around her face. ‘It’s my first time here.’ She looked down at her bony fingers fidgeting in her lap.

‘Mine too. I’m not sure it’s my kind of thing.’

They were both silent for a moment and then the blonde girl looked up again.

‘My name’s Ella.’

She seemed anxious to be friendly, and Jessica had the impression that she too was unused to adult company.

‘I’m Jessica. And I know what you mean. It seems a bit cliquey, doesn’t it? It’s like they’re all ignoring us.’

‘I know. The sign said “welcome”, but you’re the only person here who seems to have noticed me. Until you turned up, I was just sitting here wondering how soon I could leave.’

Jessica glanced round at the group of chatting mothers who still all appeared to be talking at once. It didn’t look as though any of them would have noticed, let alone cared, if Ella stood up and scuttled out of the room. Jessica turned back to smile at her nervous companion.

‘Not exactly friendly, are they?’

Neither of them admitted they had gone there because they were lonely, but they recognised that unspoken need in one another. After a few minutes, her new acquaintance smiled at something Jessica said, and she felt her mood lift. No one had smiled freely at her like that in a very long time. Jason never smiled at all, and her mother’s expression was always tinged with anxiety. Even the health visitor was only doing her job, focusing on Daisy with brisk efficiency, paying scant attention to Jessica herself. She made only the most perfunctory enquiries about her, readily accepting Jessica’s assertions that she was fine without any question.

In the course of a stilted conversation, Jessica discovered that Ella was only nineteen, five years younger than her, and Lily was just a week older than Daisy.

‘I might come back next week if you’re going to be here,’ Ella said after they had sat in silence for a while, and Jessica felt an unexpected surge of happiness. She could not recall the last time anyone had expressed anything like pleasure in her company. She mentioned her husband, and Ella said she lived alone.

‘Apart from Lily, that is,’ she added with a shy smile.

‘What about her father?’

Ella shrugged. ‘Oh, he pissed off as soon as Lily was born. He wasn’t interested in her, or me.’

‘But he must still support you?’

Ella shook her head. ‘No chance. You’ve no idea what an evil bastard he was. I’m better off without him, even though I’m skint. It’s not easy trying to care for a baby with no money.’

Jessica gazed at Ella’s baby, noticing for the first time how puny and lethargic she looked compared to Daisy.

‘That’s wrong,’ she said. ‘You ought to chase him for child support, for Lily’s sake. He has a duty to pay maintenance. He can’t just walk away from his responsibilities.’

Despite her indignation, Jessica felt a twinge of envy on hearing about Ella’s untrammelled status.

‘You don’t understand,’ Ella muttered. ‘He’s not my husband. We weren’t married.’

‘That’s beside the point,’ Jessica said. ‘He’s still Lily’s father. She’s his child too, and he has a duty to pay towards her upkeep. You shouldn’t let him get away with it. The law is on your side. Go and see him and insist he helps you.’

‘I might try and chase him if I knew where he was, but he’d be more likely to kill me than part with any money,’ Ella replied, with an angry snort. ‘And anyway, it’s none of your business.’

Reluctant to antagonise her new friend, Jessica let the matter drop. Ella was right in saying it was not her business and even though she knew her advice was sound, Ella was clearly unwilling to follow it. Jessica smiled sadly. They had more in common than Ella realised, despite the difference in their circumstances. Jason was an evil bastard too. She fervently wished there was a way she could get rid of him. If she could have been certain he would never find her, she wouldn’t have hesitated to pack a bag, walk out and not look back. She would have gone anywhere to keep Daisy safe. But she was terrified of making the situation worse if she tried to run away. And in any case, with no money of her own and no friends, there was nowhere for her to go to be free of him. She did not want to end up penniless on the street, starving, with a baby as spindly as Lily.

She left the parent and baby drop-in session early, despite Ella’s request that she stay, and hurried home. Jason was at work, but occasionally he appeared in the middle of the day, purportedly to join her for lunch. She knew he was checking up on her. Before going home, she dashed into the corner shop and bought a few pieces of fruit and a bottle of milk, and filled another bag with nappies, although she had plenty. If Jason had come home, she had her excuse lined up for having gone out. He was not there, and he did not return until the evening, and she spent the afternoon comparing her own situation with that of the woman she had met for the first time that morning, the woman who was poor but free. Given the chance, she would swap places with Ella, whatever hardship she might have to endure as a result. At least she would be free of fear.