By 1999, Rick was involved with the Promise Keepers, an organization that championed the institutions of fatherhood and traditional marriage through the principles of love, protection and biblical values. He received his personalized certificate of commitment in which he promised to be obedient to the “Great Commandment” in the book of Mark: “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength; this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.”
He also committed to the “Great Commission” in Matthew: “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.”
In August, Rick volunteered to work at the San Antonio Men’s Conference at the Alamodome. Tens of thousands of men gathered to hear messages of salvation, holiness and purity, stewardship, disciplines, family, unity and revival. The thank-you note Rick received after the gathering read: “You, as a volunteer, make the conferences possible through your labor and ministry. We praise God that he prepared you and raised you up to serve Him. For the Promise Keepers staff—thank you and may God, our Father, richly bless you.”
Bill Matthews’ dislike of Rick McFarland was shared by the spouses of many of Sue’s friends. They were surprised and not a bit entertained when Rick talked for hours about Pokemon cards. They were annoyed at his habit of “face-talking”—always up in their faces, violating their personal space.
Bill knew Sue thought Rick was a computer whiz, but being in the computer business himself, he realized Rick was just an amateur with no depth of knowledge. Like a lot of men, many husbands of Sue’s friends were uncomfortable with Rick’s atypical role in the family. They squirmed at Sue’s apparent domination of Rick. But they assumed Rick liked to be bossed around by his wife—that for the McFarlands, this lop-sided relationship worked.
Sue’s women friends, for the most part, wrote Rick off as a nerd and a gadget person—the guy who ran around with the video camera at all the family get-togethers. As a rule, they tolerated as much of him as necessary to maintain their friendship with Sue. More often than not, the women got together without their spouses.
Once Sue had moved to San Antonio, she and Sandy coordinated their summer and holiday trips to visit family in St. Louis to ensure that they would both be there at the same time. The bonds they nurtured would serve them well when tragedy struck.
In 2000, Sandy’s world fell to pieces at her feet. Her second child, and first son, was born with Down syndrome—a daunting challenge for any parent. Then, when he was just 4 months old, Sandy had to endure the agony of waiting in the sterile environs of a hospital while the tiny baby underwent open-heart surgery.
Nearly depleted by this chain of events, Sandy took another blow. One month after her son’s surgery, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Through it all, she turned to Sue for strength, comfort and understanding. Sue, although she felt helpless by the distance that kept them apart, was supportive and uplifting. She told Sandy that if she wanted her there for her chemotherapy, she would drop everything and come. “If you need me just to hold your hair while you’re puking in the toilet, I’m there.”
Sue was happy to offer support to her friend—she was just frustrated that she could not seem to do the same for her husband. In fact, since they’d moved to San Antonio, he seemed to be spiraling out of control.
Sue discovered that Rick kept a telephone from a former job and used the number to charge up several thousand dollars’ worth of calls. Sue told her sister Ann, “He’s done another unethical thing and it’s going to cost me a fortune to get him out of it. I’m going to divorce him. I swear I’ll divorce him.”
Her extreme distress over the situation kept the two sisters on the phone for a very long time.
Rick felt discomfort in the relationship, too. In the fall of 2000, excruciating headaches drove him to the emergency room seeking relief. When asked about any medications, he told the doctor he was taking some of his children’s Adderol because of the problems he was having with concentration and attention. Rick theorized that if he did not feel any different, he did not have ADD. To the contrary, he found he could concentrate better when he took the drug. The emergency room physician believed the headaches could be secondary to his Adderol use and discouraged him from continuing with his self-medication.
The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving in 2000, Sue’s former sister-in-law Debbie and her family drove from Houston to San Marcos. There at Southwest Texas State University, they picked up Debbie’s oldest son and headed down Interstate Highway 35 to San Antonio and the McFarland home.
Thanksgiving morning, Sue and Debbie hustled the kids and menfolk out of the house to the mall and a movie as they tackled the holiday meal preparation. Experience in a number of cooking classes gave Sue a flair in her cooking and presentation. Debbie enjoyed trying out new recipes with her and preparing special desserts for the neighbors who would join them after dinner.
The next day, Debbie and Sue got up before dawn to hit the Thanksgiving sales. They returned with a car full of packages and prepared breakfast for the two families. Then they all went down to the Riverwalk to enjoy the holiday festivities. It was a wonderful time for all—they would repeat it in 2001.
A couple of months later, recently divorced Kirsten asked Sue about her plans to end the marriage.
“We’re going to work on this—we’ll work it out,” Sue said. “We’re going to be partners to raise these boys. Not like a real marriage—a partnership.”
Kirsten, who had been there and done that, said, “You’ll get to the point when divorce feels right and then you will do it for the kids.”
Sue said, “Rick said his religion forbids divorce, and he won’t let it happen.”