Chapter Twenty-Two

“I’m happy for you,” Julie said to Heath. “Grace seems like a great girl.”

“We’re only friends. Grace is way too good for the likes of me.” He couldn’t stay focused on the game. His gaze kept wandering toward Grace, who played peek-a-boo with the baby.

One of Julie’s auburn eyebrows arched high. “The way you’re staring tells another story. And she can’t keep her eyes off of you, either. You’re both crazy about one another, just too stubborn to admit it. Don’t let her slip away.”

Was he strong enough to hold on to such a perfect woman? His breath caught in his constricted throat. Or would Grace eventually see him the way he saw himself—a man with a dark soul?

After the game, Heath and Grace helped Julie pack the kids’ things. They agreed to meet at a local restaurant for dinner. On the drive to the restaurant, Grace talked nonstop about baby Hope and Aiden.

Obviously, she had a thing for kids. Seeing Julie and Aiden again had picked away the scab covering painful wounds. Although Heath loved them both, John’s widow and son served as a reminder of the loss of his friend. They seemed happy, which helped ease some of his guilt. Julie’s new husband, Reagan, provided them with the love and support they needed to heal.

Heath wondered if someday he would experience the same type of saving grace, and then he smiled. Maybe his subconscious was telling him something.

They arrived at a small restaurant and were taken to an intimate table set toward the rear. After a short wait, and more talk of the baby, he looked up to see Julie, Reagan, and the kids joining them.

“Sorry we kept you waiting.” Julie huffed and dropped the diaper bag on the ground. “We had to wait for Reagan.”

Reagan smiled while he set Hope in the highchair. “Hi.” He reached over to shake Grace’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Some people, mostly women, would call the pro-football linebacker handsome. And obviously, Grace fell into that camp. Her face flushed every time she glanced at him. Heath wanted her full attention. “Good game, man.” He took hold of Grace’s hand under the table. The move was a bit possessive, but he was beyond caring. “Your team looked strong.”

“I like what I see out of this year’s draft picks.” Reagan put his arm around his wife and pulled her close.

“You have the most beautiful children.” Grace turned her gaze from Reagan to the baby.

Hope was munching on a baby biscuit. Drool and crumbs covered her tiny chin. Aiden took a napkin and cleaned his sister’s face.

“Thanks.” Reagan smiled. “They’re my pride and joy. How are you, Heath? Julie told me you’re living north of Austin and working on a cattle ranch.”

“I’m working for Grace’s family. They raise Texas Longhorns. The job’s only temporary, though. I’m thinking about going home to Florida to see my aunt in a few weeks.”

Grace’s face stiffened, and she pulled her hand out of his hold.

Did she not want him to leave? If given the option, he’d stay forever.

The guys talked football, while Grace and Julie shared stories like old friends. Heath’s gaze wandered toward Grace. As she watched the baby laugh and play in her highchair, he caught a hint of longing in her eyes. She’d make a good mother, and her future children deserved a good father. Heath doubted he’d provide a child with a safe and secure home. A conclusion that added weight on his despair.

When the time came to leave, Julie pulled Heath to the side. “I worry about you.” Julie talked softly. “You look really good, but I know what’s lurking underneath the surface. I hope you have found a place that feels like home. Have you been getting any help with your, umm…issues?”

A lump of emotion formed in his throat, and he swallowed hard. “I’ve actually been seeing someone professionally. I’ve had only a few sessions, but it’s helping.”

Julie took his hand and squeezed. “I lost so much time grieving for John. He’d want you to find love and live a happy life.”

“I have a hard time imagining a life like yours, surrounded by a loving family. Maybe someday, I’ll call you with good news.” He doubted he’d make a call like that anytime soon. His journey had only begun, and he knew he’d never fully heal.

“Remember what you told me the day Reagan almost walked out of my life?” The corners of Julie’s mouth lifted and she raised one eyebrow.

Heath laughed at the memory of the look of stunned indignation on her face. “I told you not to be stupid.”

“Follow your own advice. Okay?” She winked.

With a hitch in his heart, Heath nodded and gave Julie one final hug. She was a part of his past he wanted to hold on to.

He and Grace said their goodbyes and left the restaurant. Dusk had overtaken the daylight, and a steady rain fell from gray clouds. They sprinted to the car.

Grace tossed him the keys. “Would you mind driving home? I’m tired.”

Heath opened the passenger side door. “I think I can manage.” He sounded more confident than he felt. Or at least he hoped he did. His chest and gut vibrated with nerves.

“Thanks.” She climbed into the passenger seat.

As he drove Grace’s car out of the parking lot and onto the road, his hands shook. In Afghanistan, driving meant always being on high alert. Anxiety crept inside his body and slithered through his muscles. He was wound up tight, like a rattler ready to strike. His gaze darted back and forth, looking for anything out of place. A bag, parked car, or even a person standing on the sidewalk was suspect. After a few deep breaths, his body and mind quieted. With a mental chant, he reminded himself he was in Texas with Grace.

He merged the car onto the highway. Glancing in the rearview mirror, he saw the city lights of San Antonio. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Grace watching him. “What?” He forced a laugh.

She rested a hand on his shoulder and began kneading his muscles. “You seem very tense. Are you all right?”

Right now, he’d give anything to be a normal guy driving his girlfriend home after a date. No flashbacks, no panic attacks, and no barriers keeping away the woman he wanted more than anything in the world. “I’m fine. I haven’t driven a car in a long time. When I was in Afghanistan, driving off base was always a tense situation.”

During their last session, Colleen suggested he talk to Grace about his experiences in the military. The truth was big and ugly—a hideous, taunting monster. As much as Heath wanted to share his burden with Grace, he couldn’t form the words. His fear and pride prevailed. Heath didn’t know how to cross the emotional chasm. Sooner or later, one of them would have to take a chance and jump.

Rain beat against the windshield in a steady rhythm. As they drove north, the downpour intensified. Heath’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as he strained to see the road.

“We just passed our turn!” Grace pointed back at the exit.

His heart jumped into his throat. His skin grew ice cold. In the battlefield, people died when soldiers lost their direction. Heath’s breathing came out in rapid bursts. Pull over and turn around. A simple solution. One his brain couldn’t register. In the military, nothing was simple.

“Damn. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” His shout caused Grace to jump in her seat. As soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to reclaim them. His panic and anger clouded any rational thought.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a hushed voice. “Up ahead is a turnaround. Stop there, and I’ll drive the rest of the way home.” Grace shifted in her seat.

She’s scared of me. His frustration grew. The weight of failure smothered him. He slammed on the brakes, and the car skidded to a stop on the wide gravel shoulder. He needed to escape. Now. Once out of the car, he slammed the door. He had to regain control. Everything unraveled inside him. The sight of Grace’s eyes wide with fear had punched him in the gut.

Heath ran until his whole body shook with unfettered emotion. Ten feet ahead stood a line of trees. Maybe the trees would absorb him into themselves. He could become lost forever. The echoes of his dying teammates screamed in the wind. Covering his ears with his hands, he attempted to block them out. His effort had no effect because the sound came from the very depths of his soul.

“Heath, wait!” Grace cried.

He turned to see her running toward him, her long, thick hair soaking wet.

When she caught up, she took hold of his arm.

“Go back to the car. You shouldn’t be near me,” he yelled.

Her dark eyes stared, and she didn’t move. “I’m not going anywhere without you,” she shouted. “Haven’t you gotten that through your thick head, yet? I love you, Heath Carter. I’m not leaving your side.”

****

The words tumbled out of her mouth, and she’d never take them back. Grace loved him. As she witnessed his struggle, she wanted him to know he was no longer alone. He had someone who would love him enough to stick by his side, even during the tough times.

The rain came down in sheets. A crack of thunder sounded in the distance—its rumble rolled over the hills.

Heath tried to wiggle out of her hold, but her grip held firm. She’d fight to keep him close. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Let me in.” She brushed wet strands of hair off his face with her free hand. The sparks in his hazel eyes dampened to embers. Tiny water droplets clung to his dark lashes.

“I’m sorry…I never wanted you to see me like this.” His shoulders slumped. “I’m dangerous. The US government trained me to be a killer. For twelve years, that’s exactly what I was. How could you love someone like me?”

How could she not? She wished he would see his own value. “Your past does not define you. I’m not afraid. I know you’d never hurt me.” Grace spoke loud enough to be heard over the drumming rain.

He pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against his damp chest. “I’d rather die than hurt you, which is why I can’t be with you.”

She trembled against him. “I’m tougher than you think. Don’t push me away. Trust me enough to let me in. I promise to listen and not judge.”

A flash of lightning brightened the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder. Grace jumped but didn’t move out of Heath’s embrace. The threat of the storm was nothing compared to the danger of losing him.

Heath dropped his arms and stepped back. “Get inside the car. You’re not safe out here in this storm.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not leaving?” The roar of her voice clashed with a crack of thunder.

Standing before her, Heath visibly shook. With a surprising strength, he reached out to pull her against his body. His mouth descended in a rush of unyielding passion.

He was not gentle, and she didn’t want him to be. She wrapped both arms around his neck and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. As she stood in the pouring rain with the wind whipping around them, Heath clung to her. She molded so perfectly into his body.

Her fingers ran through his short, damp hair, and his deep groan sent her over the edge. She wanted a crazy kind of love like this—the kind that had you standing in the middle of the storm, feeling like the only two people on earth. Heath touched an exposed portion of skin on her back. The sensation sent her soaring. She never wanted to come down.

“I love you.” His voice thickened. “Grace, I love you.” He nuzzled his face against her neck.

The earthy smell of his cologne tickled her nose. “Trust me,” she said. “Let me be there for you. I want to be a part of your healing.”

“Trusting you has never been a problem. I don’t trust myself.” Heath wrapped his body around her, protecting her from the rain. “Let’s go to the car. We can talk where it’s dry.”

She ran hand in hand back to her car and climbed inside, caught between laughter and an attempt to catch her breath. Grace turned the key to start the engine and cranked the heat. Heath leaned over to kiss her, holding her face like a precious jewel.

“You need to know the whole story.” He touched his cold nose to hers. “Once you hear everything, you may change your mind.”

“Doubtful.” Lowering her gaze, she saw their hands wound together. She couldn’t tell where hers ended and his began.

“Let’s go home and dry off. Then, I’ll tell you my story, but I’m warning you, it’s not PG. I won’t blame you if you never want to see me again.”

She nodded in understanding and put the car into Drive. After performing a U-turn, she drove back to the missed turn-off and headed home. What if she couldn’t handle what he’d soon share? In reality, she was scared she’d fold under the ugly truth. War was something she was fundamentally opposed to, and Heath was a soldier and the man she loved. In her mind, she worked to reconcile the two.

The bright beams of the car headlights cut through the darkness of the ranch and illuminated Heath’s bunkhouse. She parked, and then followed him to the front door. Once inside, Heath grabbed her, pressed her back against the door, and proceeded to kiss away her breath. Her lips parted at the onslaught. She lost all sense of time and place.

After Heath pulled away, he walked into his bedroom and returned holding a pair of drawstring shorts and a very large T-shirt. “These are too big, but at least they’re dry.”

She went into the bathroom, changed out of her wet clothes, and towel dried her hair. When she came out wearing his clothing, she was thankful to be warm.

Heath had also changed and started brewing a pot of coffee. He poured her a mug of the steaming liquid, followed by a dash of creamer.

“Thanks.” Her outstretched hands took the warm mug. The aromatic fragrance helped Grace regain her sense of calm.

Heath put down his mug on the table and sat on an empty wooden chair. As he pulled the chair in toward the table, the legs scraped along the plank floor, and the sound reverberated through the otherwise-quiet house. Leaning his elbows on the table, he stared.

She smiled in an attempt to reassure him. If she was nervous, she could only imagine how fearful he was of sharing terrible things from his past.

He cleared his throat. “You already know my Aunt Linda took me in after my mom died. My dad was in prison, and I was on the fast track to prison myself. Aunt Linda gave me the love and support I’d lacked in my life. I was not an easy teenager, but she was tough and fair. During one especially difficult spell, she drove me to the Army recruiting office and made me listen to their pitch. Afterward, I knew the Army was what I was meant to do. I took to the military like a duck to water.” He took a sip of coffee and smiled. “First, I was an infantry man, then Airborne, next I became a Ranger. Finally, after five years, I passed the Special Forces qualification and earned my Green Beret.”

“It seems the Army saved you…put you on the straight and narrow.”

“Without the strict discipline and guidance, I probably would’ve ended up in jail.” He shrugged, and his mouth lifted in a wry smile. “John and I were assigned to the same Special Forces team. We became fast friends. Brothers in every sense of the word. One day, we were called into our commander’s office and told we were tapped for Delta Force assessment. After weeks of grueling tests, John and I were both selected for Delta. We weren’t just running with the big dogs anymore…we’d joined a pack of Bullmastiffs.”

While Heath talked, Grace remained quiet. She was stunned and impressed by his rise up the ranks. He’d worked hard to become elite in his field. So far, he’d only told her how he’d become an exceptional soldier, not a killer.

“Delta Force is called in for the most difficult and secretive assignments. Only a few people know the details for any given mission. I raided lots of buildings and killed lots of bad guys, mostly under the cover of darkness.” A muscle twitched on his clenched jaw, and he scowled. “We were the angels of death.”

She imagined Heath dressed in full gear, kicking down doors with a rifle in hand. A departure from the normally quiet-mannered man she knew.

He reclined in his chair and wiped a hand down his face. “I was trained to provide medical trauma care in the field. Some soldiers were beyond saving. I watched several of my brothers die in combat. The loss of John was the most difficult to bear, and I still blame myself for his death.”

Grace covered his hand with hers. As she gazed into his hazel eyes, which held a bottomless pool of sorrow, her heart ached.

“My life in the Army was a crazy roller-coaster ride of deployments, with short bursts of time at home. If a crisis happened anywhere in the world, my team could be recalled at a moment’s notice. I loved every minute of it. But after John died, something inside me changed. I wanted revenge and didn’t care who or what got in my way.”

“That’s understandable.” Her words were only partially true. She could never understand what he’d experienced. Grace cleared her throat in hopes of clearing the choking emotion that settled there.

“When Operation Command sent my unit back to Afghanistan, I was out for blood. I hated everything the country represented. My commander had to reprimand me several times.” Heath’s eyes misted over.

She took a calming breath. “Your best friend was taken from you. You were angry.”

He took another drink of coffee, and then exhaled. “During my last month in Afghanistan, my unit was charged with the kill or capture of one of Afghan’s most wanted. When we finally located him, he was holed up in a rural compound. After a lengthy gun battle, we came to a stalemate. Two of our guys were shot and had to be medevaced out. I was so desperate to capture the guy, either dead or alive, I pushed for Close Air Support. The bombers would target the hostiles and clear them out.”

“You wanted to drop a bomb?” Shock numbed her body. The muscles in his arm twitched, causing his tattoos to ripple like they’d come alive.

“I worked with our TACP, our Tactical Air Control Party, to secure coordinates for the drop. Afterward, we went to secure the scene and survey the damage.” He shifted in his chair and dropped his gaze to the table. “I discovered a hut of women and children hidden behind the main structure. We never knew civilians were in the area.”

Grace’s stomach lurched at the image of innocent women and children, who’d been scared and hurt. “What happened to them, Heath?” Her voice quivered. “What did you do?”