Mack chewed on her sandwich slowly, the soggy bread nearly falling apart in her hands. She didn’t know why she decided to have Veronica go to the cheapest and clearly grossest sandwich shop in town. Though in her defense, she panicked at the last second when the cheerleader asked Mack what she wanted to eat. It was a question she hadn’t been expecting.
Veronica didn’t seem to mind though. She’d gotten a salad, which Mack should have known would be the case no matter where they went. After getting the food, Veronica insisted they go eat them at a lookout close by, for fear that someone from school might see them together. Mack was in no position to argue. It was a miracle she was even here with Veronica to begin with. Maybe jumping in front of a moving car did have its perks.
Still, she sat in silence. Veronica had given her strict instructions not to engage with her. But Mack felt her fingers twitching. Throwing her extra pieces of bread to the pigeons clearly wasn’t enough to keep her occupied anymore. Especially since she kept thinking about Beth and how hurt she looked.
“Can I talk now?” she blurted, cringing a little when the back rivet of her jeans scraped against the hood of Veronica’s car that they were sitting on.
Veronica frowned. “Fine. If you must.”
She stabbed at her salad a little aggressively and Mack flinched. She never thought she’d ever have the chance to have Veronica all to herself. Not in a million years. She had dreamed about it, sure, but it could never be reality. Mack fiddled with the last third of her sandwich and just stared at Veronica—at the soft curve of her nose and high cheekbones. Suddenly blue eyes turned on her and Mack froze.
“Well?”
“What?”
Veronica rolled her eyes. “You asked if you could talk. Are you just going to stare all day?”
“Oh! No.” Mack looked out toward the horizon and cleared her throat. “Why are you a cheerleader?”
Veronica looked at her, just blinking before stabbing her salad even more aggressively. “I mean, what other choice do I have?”
“You have plenty of choices.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re super smart,” Mack said matter-of-factly. “Seriously. You’re the smartest person I know.”
“It’s not enough. I need cheerleading for college,” Veronica said.
Mack shook her head. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“But—”
“You’re telling me you don’t have the highest G.P.A. in our class?” Mack asked with a raised eyebrow. Veronica looked at her for another moment before turning back toward her salad. “Exactly,” Mack said.
“Well don’t you think you’re so smart, that you have me figured out,” Veronica mocked. “You don’t know me.”
“I know enough.”
“You don’t know shit,” Veronica insisted. “I have to get into school on a cheer scholarship. Or else what’s the point?”
“You’re telling me you want to cheer the rest of your life?”
“Of course not,” Veronica said with a small laugh. “But I have to go to Louisville and get good grades and meet my husband. Just like my dad says. It’s my only way out of this dumb town.”
“So you’re getting out of this town just to be a wife to some douchebag who doesn’t appreciate you?” Mack asked with an amused chuckle. “Sounds like the dream.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s your plan?” Veronica said, voice defensive. “What are you going to do after school?”
Mack shrugged and crushed the rest of her sandwich into a ball as she crumpled up the paper. “Hopefully go to a college where I don’t get humiliated just because of who I like.”
They sat in silence for a moment and Mack felt Veronica physically deflate next to her.
“That must suck,” Veronica said softly.
“You have no idea,” Mack said with a humorless chuckle.
Veronica sighed. “I’m sorry Chad is such a jerk. And Suzan. And…everyone else.” Mack could feel Veronica struggling to continue before she basically choked out. “And…me too.”
Mack wanted to throw her arms up in the air in celebration but just shook her head. “It’s fine. You’re a product of your upbringing. At least that’s what my parents keep saying every time I’m made fun of.”
“That doesn’t make it any better.”
“It’s as good as it can be. In my situation.”
“To be fair, Suzan is a bitch to everyone,” Veronica said, rolling her eyes. “She’s been trying every stupid trick in the book to get my captain spot for at least a year.”
Silence fell over them again and Veronica scooted a little closer to Mack. Their shoulders touched and Mack felt her whole body flush as she looked up at her.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Veronica whispered.
Mack felt her mind going a million miles a minute and she swallowed thickly. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the time that Veronica admitted to being in love with her too. She held her breath. “Of course.”
Veronica licked her lips and pulled her knees to her chest. “I applied to Harvard. Without telling my parents.”
Mack felt her body deflate a little in disappointment but she smiled anyway. “That’s great!”
Veronica shrugged. “I mean, it’s a long shot that I’ll get in. But I did it on a whim, and you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take, right?”
“Harvard would be lucky to have you,” Mack said with a smile. They looked at each other for a moment, Mack’s breathing getting shallow before Veronica’s phone rang.
“Oh, shit,” she said pulling it from her pocket and putting it to her ear. “Hello? Mom, I—…okay. Yes. Yes. Yes ma’am.”
Veronica hung up the phone and slipped it back into her pocket with an eye roll.
“Parents?” Mack asked, trying to get rid of some of the tension in her shoulders from the moment before the phone rang.
“Yeah,” Veronica said with a sigh. “I have to go.”
She slipped off the hood and Mack followed suit, standing awkwardly off to the side while Veronica got in her car.
“Do you need a ride home?” Veronica asked after she rolled down the window.
Mack picked up her backpack from the side of the car and shook her head, rubbing the back of her neck nervously. She wanted to say yes, but she’d rather leave on a high note with Veronica and the more time she spent with her, the more chances there were to mess something up.
“Um…naw. I’m good,” Mack said with a weird little salute. “I’ll walk.”
“Okay. Weirdo,” Veronica said with a small affectionate smile before she pulled away. Mack watched Veronica drive away for a moment, but not like in a creepy way. Just in a normal way. Right? Right.
She walked up the path back toward the main street. As soon as she went to cross the street she jumped back, a car speeding and coming to a stop in front of her.
“Jesus!” she yelled, hand clutching her chest as her mind caught up with the situation. Mack frowned as the car window rolled down. “Suzan?”
“Hey, homo,” she said with a small sneer, looking Mack up and down. “I have some news for you.”
Mack shook her head and flipped Suzan off as she started walking away. Suzan’s car began to roll next to her and Mack tried to walk a little faster.
“Hey, I’m trying to talk to you. Do I need to speak some kind of gay language?” Suzan asked, lips smacking as she chewed her gum loudly. “Canadian?”
“You know there’s no such thing, right?” Mack said, finally looking over at her.
Suzan smiled. “Good. You’re talking to me. I have information about your girl, Veronica.”
Mack faltered, embarrassed that she was even considering asking her for more information.
“I don’t care,” she sing-songed.
“I think you do.”
“I don’t.”
“Even if I have information that she’s not completely straight?” Suzan said. Mack could practically hear the smirk in her voice. It felt like an invasion of privacy. Like if Veronica wanted her to know she would have told her. Not to mention the fact that Suzan was probably lying…right?
As soon as Mack looked over at Suzan, she let the car roll a little faster. Mack started to jog to keep up and rolled her eyes again.
“Can I like…get in?” Mack panted as she jogged.
Suzan shivered, “Ew, no, I just got it cleaned.”
Mack groaned. “You can’t just go around outing people, you know! It’s not cool.”
“Listen, I just want this whole thing figured out before the whole town is infected with your gay,” Suzan called airily, with a wave of her hand. “It’s like you’re a mushroom throwing your gay spores everywhere. It’s disgusting.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Just ask her out, damn it. She likes you.”
With that, Suzan put the foot on the gas and sped away. Mack coughed as fumes and dust were kicked up in her face, stopping and putting her hands on her knees to rest. She ran a hand over her face and stood back up, hands on her hips as her mind churned.
Veronica…was gay? At least according to her best friend. And liked her? Stranger things had happened, like her being able to make out with even one girl. Maybe she did have a chance. All the way home Mack let her mind review every moment she and Veronica had together and re-examine it through a gay lens.
As soon as she got home, she ran up the stairs but her mother’s voice in the kitchen stopped her.
“Mackenzie! Come here for a second.”
Mack sighed and headed toward the kitchen as she adjusted the backpack on her shoulder. Her mom was standing at the stove, stirring something in a large pot that smelled like spaghetti. Mack leaned on the counter next to her, to confirm her suspicion.
“Why are you home so late?” she asked casually, but Mack knew it was anything but casual.
“Just hanging out,” Mack tried.
Her mom couldn’t hide her smile. “With one of your little girlfriends?”
“No, Mom,” but she felt her blush increase. “I don’t have a— There is no girlfriend. Let alone multiple ones.”
“Speaking of, Lila came by earlier—”
“How is that a ‘speaking of’ moment, Mom?” Mack sputtered, lifting herself up to sit on the edge of the counter.
Her mom shrugged and continued stirring. “I just kind of always thought you and Lila might make a cute couple.”
Mack couldn’t help the laugh that burst from her mouth at that comment. She hunched over, hand on her stomach as she laughed until her mom hit her with a kitchen rag.
“Mackenzie, stop it,” her mother said, stirring a little more vigorously. “You have to admit, you two have gotten very close through the years.”
“Mom,” Mack tried to reason as her giggles subsided. “Don’t you think I would have made a move by now if I had a thing for her?”
“I don’t know. You’ve always been a late bloomer.” She tilted her head like she was thinking. “I mean, it seems like we just bought you your first bra.”
“Hey,” Mack said, cupping her boobs defensively. She looked down at them, two slight road bumps in her shirt. They weren’t much, but they would do.
“I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be surprised if you two ever got together,” her mom said with some finality to it.
Mack opened her mouth to respond but found the breath deflating from her lungs. She had never really thought about it, but Lila was her best friend. They did everything together and she couldn’t imagine her life without her. That’s what love was, right? But she didn’t have romantic love for Lila. She was just a friend. A best friend.
She shook her head, hands under her thighs as she kicked her legs slightly. “Why would you even think that?”
Her mom shrugged. “You two spend so much time together. And you’re always painting each other’s nails and cuddling.”
“Doing each other’s nails isn’t gay, first of all,” Mack pointed out, looking down at the chipped black paint currently on hers. “But…the cuddling might be a little gay.”
Mack didn’t look at her mom, knowing the look she was going to see was that knowing look that moms always got when it was implied they were right. She thought of her fight with Lila earlier and cringed, but the thought quickly vanished when she remembered Veronica. Veronica who…liked her?
“Gotta go, Mom,” Mack said, suddenly leaping off the sink and heading up to her room.
“What? Are you calling Lila?”
“No!” Mack yelled back before closing her bedroom door behind her.
“Dinner will be ready in a half hour!”
Mack threw herself on her bed, reaching over the side to grab her laptop. She typed into the search bar: How to tell if a girl is gay.
The cursor blinked at her for a moment as her finger hovered over the enter key. She quickly hit the delete button and retyped: How to tell if a girl likes you.
* * *
How to ask a girl to prom
Mack looked down at her phone, typing into the search bar and scrolling through a few articles—all way too hetero for her liking. But they all seemed far too elaborate anyway.
The overwhelming feeling of guilt still gnawed at her gut. Every time she imagined her and Veronica together at prom, another image of Beth would come to the forefront. Beth sad and heartbroken looking. Technically Beth had asked her to prom and even though Mack hadn’t given her a clear answer, she still felt awful for even considering going with Veronica.
Mack had texted Beth a few times the night before but she never answered, even when Mack sent her videos of puppies and kittens being friends and those were her favorites. Mack had resigned herself to the fact that Beth was over her. It was probably for the best anyway. Like Mack had tried to tell Beth, she was better off without her. Beth was pretty and popular but the rest of the school would not hesitate to rip her apart if they got wind that she and Mack were together. Veronica was so popular that she could probably kill someone and still be universally adored. Beth didn’t have those same protections.
Even though the thought of Beth being mad at her made Mack’s throat close, she tried to forget those feelings by thinking about what Suzan had told her. She had fallen into an internet spiral the night before that included stalking Veronica’s social media a little bit. But everything Suzan had said was starting to get to her. When she overanalyzed everything Veronica did, it did kinda seem like she had a thing for Mack or at the very least was queer.
Mack finally looked up from her phone when she ran into someone in the hall. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw Beth in front of her, hazel eyes wide and hands gripping the straps of her backpack so tightly her knuckles looked white. Mack couldn’t help but smile, but the serious look on Beth’s face squashed down any joy she got from seeing her.
“H-hey,” Mack said. “Listen, Beth—”
Beth held up her finger to interrupt Mack, face still serious.
“I just wanted to ask you a question.”
Mack just gave a small nod in agreement, curiosity winning out even if she just wanted to hug Beth and tell her she was sorry.
“I was just wondering if…all of it’s true,” Beth said.
“If what’s true?”
“If you’ve been…kissing all the cheerleaders? Like people have been saying.” Beth asked softly.
Mack sighed and looked down at her boots, shame burning the back of her neck and tips of her ears. “Yeah. I mean, not all the cheerleaders. Just you and one other.”
“Meghan?”
“I’m not at liberty to say.”
“I saw her yell at you, Mack.”
“Then you can make your own judgments.”
“So you lied to me,” Beth said, voice breaking.
“Technically no,” Mack pointed out. “I said you were the only girl I wanted to kiss. Not that you were the only one I was kissing.”
Beth shook her head, tears visibly welling in her eyes. “You tried to trick me.”
“Beth—”
“Just like everyone else,” Beth sniffled. “Everyone is always calling me stupid and they think they can lie to me but they can’t.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Mack said, reaching for Beth but she took a step back.
“You do or you wouldn’t have lied to me about Meghan.”
“Yeah, but it was whatever,” Mack said, finally fed up, mostly with her own idiocy. “It didn’t mean anything. None of the cheerleaders meant anything.”
“N-none of them?” Beth asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“No, it was all part of the stupid plan,” Mack said as she swung her backpack onto her shoulder. “None of it meant anything.”
“Oh, okay,” Beth said, her voice shaky. “I’m just going to go.”
Beth walked away, her shoulders hunched, head hung low, and Mack realized she was crying. Regret flooded her instantly and she cursed under her breath.
“Shit,” she whispered as she took off after Beth. “Wait!”
Beth turned the corner into the main hall and Mack followed right behind, but as soon as they did, Suzan was standing there with her arms crossed.
Mack felt her heart jolt in surprise and she put her hand on her chest to calm it.
“Jesus! Where’d you come from?”
“What’s your plan?” Suzan prodded.
Mack rolled her eyes. “What are you talking about? Move, I have to talk to Beth.”
A slow, almost evil smile curled Suzan’s lips up like a cat with a secret and Mack wondered if she should run. “Veronica broke up with Chad last night. Something about him not supporting her and her discovering new things about herself.”
Mack nearly choked on air, thoughts of Beth fading. Veronica broke up with Chad and was discovering new things about herself. That was one of the gayest things she had ever heard! And all after hanging out with Mack yesterday. Her mind started to turn, pulling out moments from their past like the time Veronica lent her a pencil. Maybe she did have a chance.
“I see that look on your face,” Suzan said with a smirk. “Don’t ruin your chance, homo.”
With that she sauntered away and Mack was left standing in the hallway. The bell rang and she jumped back into action, rushing to her first class of the day.
The first three periods of the day dragged. Mack had texted Beth what felt like a thousand times and went to all the places she knew she liked to hide when she talked to her pet psychic, but Beth wasn’t anywhere. Mack was worried about her but hoped she’d just gone home after the whole fiasco.
Mack found herself nervously looking at the clock every few seconds. She was going to ask Veronica to prom. She had decided officially because Beth clearly was ignoring her and damn if it didn’t seem like Veronica might actually return her crush. Mack had been dubious at first. She wasn’t completely convinced that Suzan wasn’t just being an asshole, but there was really no reason for Suzan to lie to her about this, right? After all, Suzan was one of the most homophobic people she knew, and the less gay activity she saw, the better. So if she was encouraging it, it had to be true.
After all, Mack had been making out with the cheerleaders. Maybe that’s what Veronica needed to finally realize what she was missing—that and the time they had spent together yesterday. You couldn’t eat sandwiches with someone on top of a car and not develop some kind of bond.
Mack had a plan. She had read all the internet articles about how to ask someone to prom and they were all stupid. But Mack knew she had to be presentable at least. So as soon as the lunch bell rang, she rushed to the drama room and borrowed one of the ties to pair with her button-up shirt. It had a weird stain on the back but Mack chose not to acknowledge it.
In the bathroom, she looked up a video on how to tie a tie and ran a shaky hand through her hair. She straightened her shirt and adjusted the tie one last time before ducking into the nurse’s office and taking the flowers out of a vase on the desk when the nurse wasn’t looking. As she walked to the lunch room, she shook out the water at the end of the stems. They were a little wilted and sad, but they were the best she could do at the moment.
This would be perfect. Just lovely and understated. Just like Veronica.
When she pushed open the door of the cafeteria, it felt like everyone was staring at her even when she knew they weren’t. Everyone was wrapped up in their own little worlds, minding their own business. Lila was sitting at their usual table alone, picking at her lunch tray and Beth was sitting at the end of the cheerleader table, shoulders hunched over as she pushed the food around on her plate. But all Mack could see was Veronica sitting at her usual spot at the cheerleaders table.
Her eyes caught Suzan next to her who was smiling and gave her a small thumbs up. Mack’s stomach turned nervously and she let out a shaky breath. She just hoped that people couldn’t see how her hands were trembling and felt like they were dripping with sweat.
Mack started what felt like the long walk to the cheerleader table where Veronica sat, talking to whoever was across from her. She smiled and laughed and Mack couldn’t help the way her heart tripped over herself at the sight. She licked her lips and let out another soft breath as she stopped next to Veronica, who still hadn’t noticed her.
Mack tentatively reached out and tapped her shoulder. She looked up at her, confusion written on her face for a moment as her eyes darted to Mack’s tie and flowers.
“H-hey,” Mack said nervously. They blinked at each other for a moment before Mack found her voice again. “I um…wanted to know if…you wanted to go to prom with me?”
The hopeful tilt in Mack’s voice shook as Veronica stared at her. Mack remembered the flowers in her hand, each second of silence feeling like a million years. Suddenly Mack needed to be rid of the flowers and this situation as her stomach slowly dropped. She pushed the flowers toward Veronica and she took them gingerly. Veronica’s jaw worked but no sound was coming out and Mack wished the floor would open up and swallow her. She’d rather be in hell than here even a second longer.
“Mack,” she started softly, “I—”
“Did you just ask my girlfriend to prom right in front of me, freak?” Chad’s booming voice rang out. Mack turned and for the first time noticed Chad sitting across from Veronica. The blood drained from her face and Chad angrily took a bite out of a chicken nugget. So angrily, actually, that Mack was pretty sure it was some kind of threat.
“I thought—” Mack cut herself off and looked over at Suzan who had the biggest grin on her face. Suddenly she stood up, pointing at Mack and yelling so that the whole school could hear.
“The lezzie just tried to get into Veronica’s pants!” she yelled. Everyone in the cafeteria turned to look at them and Mack felt panic rising like bile in her throat.
Veronica grabbed the edge of Suzan’s cheerleading top and tugged at her to sit back down. “Stop,” she hissed.
Suzan continued on. “Probably because Veronica and Mack were lezzing out together yesterday!”
People started whispering and if Mack had any blood left in her face before she was sure it was all but gone now. She felt sick. Her eyes darted around the cafeteria and she noticed Beth who wasn’t even looking at her and Lila with an unreadable expression.
“I’m sorry,” Mack whispered to Veronica as she backed away from the table. Veronica looked up at her helplessly, frozen in her seat. Suddenly she felt something hit her on the side of the face and frowned.
She looked down at her feet where a half-eaten chicken nugget sat on the dirty linoleum floor. Chad was laughing behind his hand, and she shook her head. “Did you just throw a chicken nugget at me?”
“Dyke,” Chad growled, throwing another nugget at Mack. It went wide and anger flared next to the embarrassment.
“So much for that football scholarship, huh? Can’t even throw a goddamn chicken nugget!”
Chad’s face turned about five different shades of red before he stood up, grabbed a handful of his mac and cheese and threw it right at Mack’s face.
“Get her! Get the dyke!”
Soon, food was flying at Mack from every direction and hitting her. She curled in on herself for a moment before running back toward the cafeteria doors blindly, just managing to stay upright as she slid through the food. She felt the hot prick of tears in the corners of her eyes as she went. Finally she pushed through the doors of the cafeteria and into the nearly silent hall. She stood there for a moment, the laughing in the cafeteria just barely muffled by the cheap school doors. Her hands shook and tears clouded her vision.
“Fuck,” she whispered. Her clothes were practically dripping with mac and cheese and whatever other sludge the cafeteria had decided to serve that day. Her heart was beating so hard she was surprised it hadn’t burst from her chest and her stomach squeezed too tightly. This was it. This was her worst nightmare.
She quickly wiped some stray tears off of her cheeks as her stunned legs carried her to her car.
She was living her worst nightmare, and she had only done it to herself.