No one actually told Barry who Vlassorina was until he was picked up by a man in a Ferrari outside the Parent Agency five minutes later. The man was wearing a black suit and shades, and had an earpiece, with a little microphone in front of his mouth.
“Hi,” he said as Barry got in.
It was a red Ferrari. Like the Rader-Wellorffs’ stretch Rolls-Royce, it was a model that Barry, who knew a lot about cars, had never seen before, with pop-up headlights and millions of dials on the dashboard and a steering wheel covered in what looked like diamonds. You sat in it very low: Barry felt like his bottom was nearly on the tarmac.
“Name’s Jonty. I work for Vlassorina.” Then to his microphone: “Ready to roll.”
“Hello,” said Barry, who thought that Jonty reminded him of a younger and trendier Peevish.
“Roof off?” said Jonty, starting the car, and revving the accelerator. The engine sounded amazing, like some kind of monster clearing its throat. They sped off down the road.
“Um… OK,” said Barry, who hadn’t realised the car was a convertible.
Jonty pressed one of the many buttons on the dashboard. The roof didn’t just go back with a slow whirr. It flew off, instantly, like a giant had flicked it off with an enormous finger.
“Oh!” said Barry.
“Good, isn’t it?” said Jonty, raising his voice, since the roar of the engine was now five times as loud.
Barry looked round. The roof was crashing down the road behind them, turning over and over. Other cars swerved to avoid it. “But—”
“Oh, don’t worry, Barry. Vlassorina has a deal with Ferrari. They just fit a new roof every time,” said Jonty, pressing his foot down so hard on the accelerator that Barry was thrown back in his seat.
“Uh… what kind of person is Vlassorina?” shouted Barry, the noise now so loud it was like they were actually sitting inside the engine.
“Vlassorina, my friend, is two people!”
“Two people? What, like some kind of two-headed mutant?”
“Ha ha ha!” shouted Jonty. He swerved round a corner at top speed. “You’re telling me you’ve really not heard of Vlad Mitt and Morrissina Padada?”
“Er… no…” shouted Barry.
“Good grief. Get with it, Grandpa. They’re only the coolest celebrity couple on the planet!”
“They are?”
“Yes!” The car suddenly braked, throwing Barry back in his seat again. They were at some traffic lights. “Haven’t you seen any of Vlad’s movies? Black Smell? A Hundred Days Till Christmas? Froggie Goes a-Courting? Insta-Man? The Shuffling Tree? Fish and Chips: the Movie, Death in the Car? Death in the Car 2? Death in the Car…”
“Er… 3?” said Barry.
“No, 4,” said Jonty. “He wasn’t in 3. They got Jackie Noodle – you know, from the Wonky Monkey movies? – to play his part in that one. Vlad was furious.”
“Oh,” said Barry.
“He’s also the face of Stink-Bombe.” Jonty pronounced this in a very French way.
“His face is a stink bomb?”
“No. He’s the face of Stink-Bombe. The smelliest perfume in the world. And Morrissina – she’s a pop star! You must have heard of her!”
Jonty was revving the accelerator pedal again as he spoke. The lights changed and they sped off. Barry had to hold on to the dashboard to control what felt like G-force on his face.
“No. Sorry…” said Barry.
“You’re kidding me. She used to be in Girlish! You know, who won Talent Mess two years ago? And then had a massive global hit with ‘My Dog’s Surprised by His Own Farts’?”
“That’s a song?”
“Yes. You must know it!” Jonty opened his mouth wide and hit a much higher note than Barry would have guessed him able to. “He sleeps by the fire/When we watch the news/Then when one pops out/He looks confused!”
“Wow…” said Barry.
“Yes, the record company was surprised by the choice of it as first single too. But it worked!! Number one in fifty-seven countries. And then there’s the dance…”
“The My-Dog’s-Surprised-by-His-Own-Farts dance?”
“Yes. You know, down in a heap pretending to be asleep, then up on all fours – surprised face! Then you move your face around, pretending to bark.”
“Right.”
“Morrissina’s solo now, of course. And she used to be called Sally. But then she did a big deal with a supermarket and – anyway, they can tell you more about it themselves. Cos here we are!!”
Jonty pulled the car up to a gate. Not like the grand old gates at Bottomley Hall. It looked just like a very, very high white wall. Jonty pressed a button on the gate.
“Can I take your order, please?” said a voice.
“Two Big Burgers with triple fries and a choco-milk milkshake, please,” said Jonty.
“Oh,” said Barry, “I’m not that hungry. Although if they do chicken nuggets I wouldn’t mind…”
“Coming right up,” said the voice.
“Sorry, Barry, that isn’t an order,” said Jonty, turning to him and winking again. “It’s a code.”
There was a whirring noise. And, as Barry looked ahead, the white wall slid slowly into the ground, revealing a very, very tall skyscraper. He looked up, up, up and up and could just make out that the top of the building was shaped like an enormous letter V.